by Libba Bray
I buried my face in my hands and wished that my dad were there to make everything right. He never would have made such a mess of things. L ached to have him put his arms around me and say, “Well, Boo, when you doooze it, you doooze it up right.” A dull, thudding ache began to expand inside my rib cage. I needed something, one thing, to salvage the night. Someone to say, “Hey, it’ll all be okay.”
I scanned through the paddy wagon crowd for Connor, but I didn’t see him. The throng in the backyard had dwindled down to a couple of animal control guys, Mom, and Isis. Mom called to me, but I had to find Connor. In the kitchen I appraised my mud-encrusted state. Not appealing. A quick rinse off and into some fresh, warm clothes, and then there might still be a chance to run off with Connor for a sane cup of coffee away from this insanity. Maybe I could even find the stomach to laugh a little at the whole mess.
It was Jared T taxi smack into first. He had been baby-sitting my camera. “Some director you are. The best action scene since Die Hard, and you don’t even have your camera. Don’t worry. I got as much of it as I could. I like the female mud wrestler look, by the way.”
I didn’t have time for Jared’s sarcasm. “Have you seen Connor?”
He gave me a pained look. “Kari…”
“What?” I asked irritably.
Jared put down the camera and headed for the front door. “Nothing.” Great. Now my best friend hated me, too. Was there anything else that could possibly go wrong? I wanted Connor. The need to see him was like an aching in my joints. Shower. Jeans. Connor.
Rounding the corner, I saw Connor first. Then I saw Nan. They were coming down the stairs together, holding hands. For a second I stopped breathing, like the time Theo threw a football and hit me in the stomach by mistake. Seeing Connor hold Nan’s hand like he’d held mine only a week ago snatched the breath right out of me.
I wanted to tell myself it wasn’t true. That he was telling her good-bye forever in a noble manner. He was letting her down easy, saying things like, “It’s over between us, Nan. Kari and I were meant to be. I see that now.” But the churning, twisting heat deep inside me told the real story. This wasn’t good-bye. I was.
I couldn’t let them see me like this, covered in mud and grass, my eyes stinging with tears. It was too pathetic. If there was one thing I couldn’t deal with, it was pity from the guy I’d totally fallen for. I slipped quietly into the kitchen, stifled the desire to burst into tears, then put on my best wasn’t-this-a-wacky-gas-of-a-party face. I “accidentally” bumped into them in the hallway by the framed print that hid Isis’s corkboard.
“Oh, hi!” I said. The good cheer sounded hollow in my ears. “Y’all missed a wild time out there! I haven’t laughed this hard in years!”
Connor and Nan seemed spooked but tried to act casual. “I wondered what all the sirens were about,” Connor said. “That’s why we…I came down.”
“I better go find Jen,” Nan said. She gave me a little smile on her way past. I couldn’t tell whether it was a victory smile or whether she really felt sorry for me. And frankly, I didn’t know which was worse.
Connor took off his fedora and ran his fingers over the brim. “You figured it out, didn’t you?”
A lump grew in my throat. “You and Nan? Yeah. I mean, I always figured y’all would get back together sooner or later. No big deal.” It was the biggest lie I’d told so far.
A sheepish smile tugged at the corners of Connor’s perfect mouth. “You are so amazing. You know that?”
“Yeah, well…” My face hurt from holding back tears. I stared at the digital clock on the VCR, willing them not to come. It was nine thirty-three. The time of my dumping.
“I think you’re too amazing for me, really.” Oh God. Not the you’re-too-good-for-me line. If he said we’d always be friends, I’d lose it. “It’s just that, you know where you’re going and who you want to be. You’re so rational, so motivated. You don’t need anybody. Nan is sort of whacked and all, but she needs me. I don’t know. I can’t explain it.” I watched the hat moving back and forth in his hand. “I’m sorry. I hope you don’t hate me for the rest of your life.”
I wished I could hate him. That would be easier than feeling my heart hurt every time he gave me that better-luck-next-time smile in the halls or tried to be overly friendly so he wouldn’t hurt my feelings.
I didn’t need anybody? Had he really said that? I felt like one big black hole of need.
“Don’t be stupid,” I said. It came out a little harsher than I meant it to. Connor registered a startled expression. I laughed and poked my finger into his chest like a good sport. “I could never hate you.” Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll just run upstairs and sob into my pillow till I die.
“You’re the best,” he said. “Thanks for the jacket.” He kissed me on the cheek. The official you’ve-been-dumped seal.
I busied myself straightening the notepad and paper by the hall phone while I listened to Connor’s footsteps walking toward a life with Nan and away from me.
By the time I hit my room, my whole body was heaving with sobs. I curled up on my bed, muddy dress and all, and hugged my pillow tight.
I’d made a royal mess of everything. My friendships. My party. My crush. My future. And tomorrow it would hit the paper for everyone to read about. One more feather in the Odd Dobbinses’ cap.
I guessed I wasn’t so different from my family after all.
chapter 13
Mom sat on the bed and rubbed my back like she used to do when I was little and my stomach hurt.
“Mom, can I go away to school next year?”
Mom stroked my head. “Where would you go?”
My voice sounded tired and flat. “I hear Siberia has some high schools. They don’t know about my party. Yet.”
I could feel her smiling at me. “It’s cold in Siberia. You’ll need a good coat.”
We sat on the bed being quiet for a long time. In spite of everything, it felt-good. Just Mom and me and the silence. Finally she stood up.
“I’ve got to go get Lila and Theo out of jail. I suppose I’ll never hear the end of this. But watching Lila being carried away to a paddy wagon in her nightgowns well…It was worth it.” She paused at the door. “You know, any girl who can throw a party that exciting ought to make movies or something.” And she was gone.
I closed my eyes and sank into a restless sleep. I don’t remember much about my dreams, except that I was running and no one was chasing me.
The next morning Isis left the Gazette outside my door with a yellow sticky note that said. Look! You’re a star. I didn’t know which was more shocking, the fact that my Sweet Sixteen had made the front page with the headline Local Party Goes Batty or that Isis had used an exclamation mark.
I sank to the floor and read the whole article, reliving every agonizing moment. They’d even managed to compile quotes from various sophomores. Ninety percent of the kids voted it the worst party they’d ever attended. But a few kids called it “awesome,” “rockin’,” “hilarious,” and “subversive.” Words floated back to me. “It’s just a party.” Who had said that? I couldn’t remember. It didn’t matter.
Theo, Mom, and Lila were sitting in the living room when I came downstairs. Lila was giving Mom an earful about the indignities she’d suffered in jail. Meanwhile Theo was reveling in his new notorious status via the phone. “…and then I asked them to fingerprint me. Dude, I am on my way to becoming a rock-and-roll legend!”
Lila wasn’t so thrilled. “I’m going to have to pay a fine to get my bats back, thanks to that bourgeois function of yours, Kari Elizabeth. I told you this wasn’t a good idea, didn’t I?”
I didn’t have the energy to fight Lila. Not this morning. Surprisingly, it was Mom who came to my defense, and I saw faint traces of the lawyer she once thought she wanted to be. “Mother, that’s enough.”
Lila’s mouth screwed up like she’d swallowed a large dill pickle whole. “I did not raise you to speak this way to me.”
�
��On the contrary, Mother. You raised me to be exactly this way.” Mom turned her back on a slack-jawed Lila and grabbed a broom. “I’m going out to earn some good karma points by cleaning up the backyard, if anyone would care to join me.” Mom sailed out the back door, trailed by Theo and Isis.
“I’m looking for souvenirs to add to the rocker mystique,” Theo said, lumbering after Mom. “These babies should go for a fortune someday on eBay.”
I probably should have helped out, but I was still nursing my wounds. Up in my bedroom, I stared at my video camera, working up the nerve to view the heinous party footage. Faces, places, and chaos swirled past on fast-forward, a blender effect of images.
Finally I came to a part I didn’t remember shooting. It was Jared, sitting by himself in my room. I rewound and pressed play. The playback showed him leaning forward, elbows on knees, hands dangling, a few unruly bangs hanging over his eyes. “Hey, Karnage. I don’t usually go for the high school confidential factor, but, uh, here goes. You asked a question tonight, about what we want to be when we grow up. The thing is, I mean, the really funny thing is that I want to be with you. That would have been my answer. If you’d asked me. And if I’d had the mojo to answer. Which I didn’t. In fact, I’ll probably erase this. If I can figure out how. Mechanical know-how not being my strong suit. Kind of ironic when your dad is Master of the Radio Shack Universe, huh? I guess I always wanted to tell you….” The tape cut to static and snow.
I played it two and then three times. Jared. Liked. Me. When had this happened? I thought back to that day in Rose’s store when he saw me in my party dress. The look on his face. The blush on mine. I felt like an idiot for not catching it and a double idiot for trying to pair him with Dee. My screwups seemed to be growing exponentially. Jared and me. Jared and Dee. Dee and me.
Jared likes you. That’s what Connor had told me. And I had ignored it and gone after the guy who shared my zip code but not even remotely the same universe. Story of my life. Reach for the stars, miss, land squarely on butt.
Jared. Surly, smart, annoying, wonderful Jared. I let myself consider it. A close-up of Jared’s face filled my head. The movie was rolling. He was decked out in his seersucker suit and tie. Music played as he leaned in, closer, closer, closer. I reached forward and my lips found…his cheek. It was like kissing my brother. No sparks.
With a cloud over my heart, I grabbed my keys and trudged off to either win back a friend or lose him forever.
Jared’s mom said he was at Zippo Comix for some comic book signing. On the drive over, I couldn’t stop thinking about Jared’s confession. Honestly, a part of me enjoyed having him like me. I mean, Jared didn’t like most people, so I figured I had to be a little special.
It was funny. I’d wanted people to see some magic in me. Why did it always end up being the wrong people? Fate could be downright perverse.
Zippo Comix was pretty jammed when I got there. I was surprised to see Mark at the door like he owned the place. If he asked me out, that would be the capper to my miserable week.
“Hey, Kari,” he said. “I’m really glad you decided to come.”
Come to what? What was going on? “I don’t…I mean…sorry, come again?”
“To the signing. Glad you came. You’re sort of a minor celebrity around here.” He motioned at a large poster hanging just inside the doorway.
There in glorious blue, purple, and green was my comic book double in a leather superhero outfit that added dangerous curves the original clearly did not have. But the nose was there, big as life. Big, bold letters spelled out the name of the butt-kicking heroine: Kari. A new comic by Jared Jameson, published by Mark Lennard Enterprises. Special signing from three to four o’clock. Once I got past the shock of it, I was flattered and peeved all at once. How dare Jared turn me into a caricature of myself? For a minute I forgot to feel guilty about not being in love with him.
I pushed my way to a table and picked up a debut copy of Kari. Leafing through, I saw that the story line had Kari kicking serious booty to defend her home planet. She lived in a castle with two mutts. The castle and the dogs looked hugely familiar. I hung around in the back, reading from cover to cover, till most of the people cleared out. Jared was packing up his pens and shaking out his autograph hand.
“Can you sign this?” I asked, extending my copy.
Jared stuck his hands in his jeans pockets and pulled his shoulders up to his ears. “I was gonna tell you about it.”
“Along with other things?”
He stared off at a spot on the far wall above my head. “About that…”
Mark, oblivious to the bad timing, walked up. “Good signing, Jameson. I think we’ve got a hit on our hands. “You must be proud to be the muse,” he said, looking at me.
“Yeah, it’s so great to be reduced to someone else’s caricature.”
“Kinda like making movies,” Jared shot back.
Painfully good point.
“Well, congratulations,” Mark said, walking off. He stopped. “Oh. And about that other matter?”
“555–1574,” Jared said flatly. It was Dee’s phone number. Mark wanted Dee’s phone number? Once again I’d missed all the clues.
Jared was staring at me. I took another long look at my namesake. “She’s really cool. I mean it, Jared. It’s great. I wish I were like her.”
“You are like her. You just don’t know it.”
Suddenly I felt like I could cry. “I really screwed everything up, didn’t I?”
Jared smiled. “Yes. But you did it with style.”
“Jared,” I said, laughing through a fine mist of tears. “Remind me to hate you later.”
“Sure. Kari?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t forget to hate me.”
I stepped on his foot. He stepped on mine. I elbowed him in the ribs. He elbowed back harder. Before we could become the oldest people ever to play rock-paper-scissors, I made a suggestion.
“Wanna get out of here?”
“You bet.”
We went for a long drive, ending up at the swimming hole, where we sat on the rocks. We talked about everything. I told him about Connor, the artist formerly known as Prince Charming, dumping me for Nan. He gave me the lowdown on his first comic book being published. All those covert conversations with Mark, I now realized, were about publishing his work. I was such a dork. Of course Mark recognized me from the comic book and wondered what was up with me, with us.
“I’m sorry about trying to fix you up with Dee,” I said. “I really thought you had it for her.”
“Malloy? She’s a sweet girl. And a good bud. Okay, and I have to admit, I had some lustful thoughts here and there. But she’s not right for me.”
“She thinks you’re a hottie,” I said, giving the word all the girlish enthusiasm I knew Jared would hate. Old habits die hard.
“Kar, Dee would think Mr. Rogers was a hottie given the right mood. She’s a little boy crazy.”
I laughed.
Jared grinned his loopy grin and rested his chin on his knee. “So. You still haven’t told me what you thought about…you know.”
Here it came. We were getting along so nicely, I’d hoped we could just pretend it never happened. Just keep going like usual. “Well…I’ve been thinking, and…”
“That’s okay,” Jared said, standing up and throwing a stone at the pond. It sank. “You don’t have to answer that.”
I pulled him back down. “Yes. Yes, I do.” How to begin? “The thing is, if I could fall in love with anybody, it would be you. I mean, we like the same things. We hate the same things. I witnessed your piercing. It’s just… I don’t feel…that way about you. I wish I did. You’re my very best friend ever, and I love you. Maybe that’s the problem. I’m sorry.”
Jared stared down at the brightly colored comic version of me. He tore little bits of the cover into strips. “Yeah. I kinda figured that out. Well, the whole Connor experience did give me an inkling, but I thought it might be a good
-looking-guy phase you were going through.” His jaw clenched and unclenched, and I knew he was holding back hard.
“Do you hate me?” I asked, not really wanting an honest answer.
“Just a little,” Jared said, sparing me nothing. “The truth is, if you and I dated, it would either be fireworks and grand opera, or it would be a total crash-and-burn fest where we’d spit whenever someone mentioned the other person’s name.” He rolled the comic book up like a newspaper two and three times. “I think I need to stay away from you for a while.”
I felt sick. “How long is a while?”
“I’ll let you know. If I haven’t figured it out by the end of the summer, I’ll just have to join the foreign legion. Meanwhile, can you give me a lift home? My car is officially dead and gone.”
We opened all the windows and listened to the radio like we’d done a million times before, only it wasn’t before, and we both knew it. He signed my comic book like it was a surreal yearbook. Dear Kari, I didn’t really get to know you. We had some classes together. Hope to see you kicking butt in the universe sometime. Have a good summer. Your friend, Jared. Driving past my house, Jared gave a salute to Lila’s Freak Castle.
“Man, you don’t know how lucky you are, Karnage,” he mused.
That anybody could call me lucky after my hideous weekend floored me. “How do you figure that?” I asked.
“With a family like yours, you know you can be anything you want to be. No one cutting you down to size. Holding you back. Telling you how to be. It’s a beautiful thing.” His eyes twinkled for a minute, then he leaned halfway out the window. “People of Greenway! It’s time to let your freak flag fly!” He screamed it again. People were staring. They stopped watering their manicured lawns and gawked. By the time we reached Jared’s familiar mailbox, I was screaming, too.
“Freak flag! Fly your freaky deaky flags, folks!”
Jared and I laughed till we were hoarse. He shut the door and hovered for a minute, uncertain. “See you in September, Kari. By the way, I haven’t forgotten that you owe me twenty bucks.”
