A Mother's Choice

by Val Wood

  ‘Will you let me go to school, Grandda?’ Molly said, wiping her eyes and her nose on the back of her hand and then cleaning her hand on his shirt. ‘It’s not fair if I don’t, is it?’

  ‘Where’s your hanky?’ Her grandfather pulled one of his from his trouser pocket and gave it to her. ‘Why do you want to go to school? Is it so you can be wi’ other bairns? When I was a lad,’ he wriggled his thick eyebrows and sat down with Molly on his knee, ‘I was allus playing twag and then got ’cane for being absent.’

  Molly gulped. ‘I won’t play twag, Grandda, cos I want to learn to read and play in ’playground wi’ other bairns. Louisa and Robin’d mek sure nobody teased me.’

  Peggy came towards them. ‘We’ll find a way, Molly,’ she said softly. ‘Me and you will go and have a word wi’ schoolmistress and see what she says, shall we? Mebbe on Monday when we tek Robin?’

  ‘Molly’s coming wi’ me on Monday,’ Susan broke in, holding dirty plates in her hand. ‘I’m visiting a friend and Molly’s invited.’

  ‘I don’t want to,’ Molly pouted. ‘I don’t like visiting; nobody speaks to me.’

  ‘You’re coming whether you like it or not,’ her mother said spitefully, which started Molly on another bout of crying.

  Louisa came to her. ‘Shall we go into ’parlour and read a story before bedtime?’ she asked. ‘You can choose which one.’

  Robin piped up. ‘Maybe we can find one with an adventure. Do you have any of those, Molly?’

  Molly jumped off her grandfather’s knee. ‘Yes,’ she said, snuffling up her tears. ‘Alice in Wonderland. It’s on ’bookshelf. I know where,’ and she raced out of the kitchen and down the hall until they heard her opening the parlour door.

  ‘There’s no fire,’ Peggy began, but Aaron interrupted, ‘They’ll not notice ’cold, and if they do they’ll come back in here. Don’t fuss, Peg. I’ll give our Jack a hand for an hour and then I’m off down to ’village.’

  ‘Meeting your Harry?’ she asked.

  ‘Aye.’ He shrugged into his working coat. ‘If he’s about. Find out if owt’s happening down by ’river.’

  Peggy sat by the table when he’d gone and decided that she’d have to have a serious talk with her daughter-in-law. They’d been at loggerheads ever since Susan and Jack married, never seeing eye to eye and particularly not on issues to do with the children. She would willingly have all the girls living with her, but she knew that wouldn’t happen. And neither should it, she berated herself; children should be with their parents, but she was concerned over Molly’s welfare. Molly was a special child.

  ‘Peggy!’ Susan came back into the kitchen from the scullery. ‘I think I’m starting.’

  ‘What?’ Peggy looked up.

  ‘In labour.’ Susan’s face was flushed. ‘Oh, how I hate it. Can you get Jack? Ask him to fetch Mrs Glover.’

  Peggy got up from the table. ‘Already? I didn’t think it was due—’ She stopped when she saw Susan wince. ‘Let me help you upstairs first, and then I’ll give him a shout. There won’t be any hurry,’ she added evenly, ‘if you’ve onny just started.’

  ‘I don’t know about that,’ Susan gasped. ‘I’d rather you told him now.’ She leaned on the table. ‘I don’t feel very well.’

  ‘All right. Try to keep calm.’ Peggy recalled Susan’s other pregnancies, and telling Aaron that their daughter-in-law’s shouts would have been heard on the other side of the estuary. She slipped a shawl over her shoulders and went to the back door, and as luck would have it Jack came out of the cattle shed just as she raised her voice to call.

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘It’s Susan. Can you nip up to Thorn and fetch Mrs Glover? You know where she lives, don’t you?’

  ‘I should do,’ he grunted. ‘I’ve been plenty o’ times.’

  ‘And whose fault is that?’ she said cuttingly. ‘Go on, and look sharp.’ As she went back into the house she wondered what had happened to the kind-hearted and merry boy he had once been, and how he had turned into the miserable, discontented man that he was now.

  She helped Susan upstairs and stripped the bed before going to the landing cupboard for a pair of old cotton sheets and a rubber one and making it up again. Then she went downstairs, filled the kettle and a pan with water, and put them over the fire to heat.

  All the children were laughing when she listened at the parlour door. She made out Robin’s voice, and then Louisa’s, and smiled. They were entertaining the others and she heard Molly shouting and chortling. They’ll be all right for a while, she thought. Another hour before bedtime, and then Robin had better sleep in the kitchen again. Tomorrow he could help her to clear the attic room and after that he could have it as his own.

  She knew she would have to argue her case for allowing him to stay, but what else can I do, she asked herself. He’s turned up here; I can hardly turn him away, but I’ll make more of an effort to find his mother. Why did she leave him? No mother would willingly leave her child behind with strangers. Did she see him with us? Did she know us and tell him to sit with us? Was she so desperate that she would do such a thing?

  A shout from Susan startled her. ‘Peggy! Can you come up?’

  It’s the only time she ever wants me, she thought as she hurried up the stairs. Susan was kneeling by the bed. ‘I can’t get up,’ she said, her voice strained. ‘I want to walk about; oh, God, I hope this’ll be ’last one I ever have.’

  ‘It probably won’t be.’ Peggy bent down and hooked her arms under Susan’s to bring her to her feet. ‘You’re onny a young woman; just thank your lucky stars you’re healthy.’

  ‘I onny hope it’s a lad,’ Susan muttered, ‘and mebbe Jack’ll think that’s enough. Five bairns are plenty for anybody. Oh!’ She groaned, and bent over the bed. ‘Did he get off to Mrs Glover’s?’

  ‘Yes. Come on, let’s walk you about. I don’t suppose they’ll be long. Just tek nice long deep breaths. It won’t be here yet.’

  ‘What would you know about it,’ Susan burst out. ‘You onny had two! This is my fifth and I’m telling you it’s on its way.’

  There was a quiet knock on the door. Louisa with huge saucer eyes said, ‘Can I do anything, Gran? Is Ma’s baby coming?’

  ‘No you can’t! Get out,’ Susan shouted.

  Peggy put her finger to her lips and said quietly, ‘Watch out for your da and ask Mrs Glover to come up straight away, will you? Then will you look after ’other bairns just as you have been doing?’

  Louisa nodded, turned about and went down again, quietly closing the staircase door behind her.

  Peggy put her arm around Susan. ‘Shall we walk, or do you want to lie down?’

  ‘No, I’ll walk.’ Susan leaned heavily on Peggy, and then muttered, ‘I’m sorry, Peg. I know I’m bad-tempered sometimes, but I want our own place as much as you want us to get out from under your feet. But,’ she went on even though Peggy had begun to protest, ‘it’s your Jack. He doesn’t want to move. He says this is his home.’

  She stopped and gave a yell. ‘Oh! God …’ She bent over again, and Peggy couldn’t make up her mind whether or not she was playacting. It seemed to be happening too fast.

  There came another quiet knock. ‘Tell that little—’ Susan uttered an expletive, ‘to stay downstairs and stop bothering me.’

  But it was Aaron outside the door. ‘Sorry,’ he whispered. ‘Shall I wait a bit afore going out in case you need owt?’

  ‘Just stop till our Jack comes back wi’ midwife, will you?’ Peggy whispered back. ‘And then you get off, but don’t let ’kettle and pan boil dry!’

  ‘Righty ho!’

  Peggy gave a rueful smile as she pictured Aaron tiptoeing back down the stairs, anxious to be doing the right thing, which was impossible with a woman like Susan. No matter how sorry she says she is, Peggy thought, she always manages to blame somebody else.

  They both heard the rattle of wheels in the yard. ‘Here they are,’ she said with relief. ‘Here’s ’midwife.�
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  ‘Yes, I heard,’ Susan said impatiently. ‘They took their time.’ She straightened up again. ‘I’m ready to get back into bed if you’ll help me in.’ She sat on the edge of the mattress and Peggy heaved her legs up and put a pillow behind her back.

  ‘I’ll go and ask if she needs anything,’ she said. ‘Do you want me to stop, or—’

  ‘No, I’ll be all right now she’s here,’ Susan said. ‘She’s been to all of my confinements. She knows what she’s doing. I wouldn’t mind another cup o’ tea, though, if you’re mekking one,’ she added.

  Peggy saw her making herself comfortable, covering her legs with a blanket and shuffling on the pillow. ‘I’ll mek a pot,’ she said. ‘Mebbe Mrs Glover will have one too, if there’s time for you both to drink it!’

  If her last words were meant to be sarcastic, Susan didn’t respond, but just lay back on her pillow and closed her eyes.

  The midwife had taken off her coat and was washing her hands in the scullery sink. ‘I hope you don’t mind, Mrs Robinson,’ she called out to Peggy. ‘Your son said it was urgent.’

  ‘No, not a bit,’ Peggy said. ‘There’s a clean towel in ’top drawer. I can’t tell if it’s urgent or not. Susan says it’s coming, but’ – she glanced up at the clock – ‘it’s less than an hour since she felt ’first pain.’

  ‘Less than an hour! Well, that’s far too soon. Somebody’ll have to tek me home if it’s a wasted journey.’

  ‘Don’t worry about that,’ Peggy said. ‘I’ll tek you myself if Jack can’t.’

  Peggy heard Mrs Glover mumbling to herself as she huffed and puffed up the stairs. The children were still chattering and laughing in the parlour and she decided she’d let them play for a little longer before bedtime if the birth of Susan’s baby was imminent.

  She’d made the tea and put a cosy over the teapot when Jack came in.

  ‘Is owt happening?’ He took off his jacket and sat down.

  ‘Midwife’s gone up. We’ll know in a minute.’ She poured him a cup of tea.

  He took a deep gulp of his drink and then wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. ‘I’m fed up wi’ this, Ma,’ he muttered.

  She gave a small scoff. ‘You’re the one who’s fathering ’em!’

  ‘I don’t mean just ’bairns; it’s all of ’bickering that goes on.’ He lifted a finger to stop her sharp rejoinder. ‘And I don’t mean between you and Susan, I mean between me and her. She’s never satisfied wi’ owt I do or say, and even if we get another place it won’t stop.’

  ‘You’ll still have to move, Jack,’ she said softly. ‘You chose her as your wife and she’s your concern. You must find out why she’s unhappy; it might be different in her own place. But we’ll talk about ’bairns. You know we’ll do right by them, and—’

  But Mrs Glover was calling from upstairs, and Peggy got up to answer her. ‘And especially Molly,’ she concluded, going to the door.

  ‘Can you come up, Mrs Robinson?’ Mrs Glover said in an urgent whisper. ‘Bring a bowl of hot water and a clean empty one and some clean cloths. Ask her husband not to go out. I’m afraid we have some difficulty here.’

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Peggy collected the items that the midwife had asked for and told Jack not to go out as he might be needed. He nodded, but didn’t ask if Susan was all right. As Peggy approached the bedroom door she heard the midwife say, ‘You’re a silly, stupid woman.’

  ‘I’ve told you, I haven’t done anything.’ Susan abruptly stopped speaking when Peggy came in.

  ‘What is it? What’s wrong?’

  Mrs Glover shook her head, her lips pinched tightly together, and then took a heaving breath and said, ‘I don’t hold out much hope for this babby, Mrs Robinson, and that’s a fact.’ She carefully took the bowl of hot water and cloths from Peggy. ‘And ’other bowl?’ she asked.

  ‘I couldn’t carry ’em both. I’ll just get it.’

  ‘Leave it outside ’bedroom door, if you please,’ the midwife said. ‘I’ll get it when I’m ready.’

  ‘Did you mek that tea?’ Susan said from the bed. Her face was flushed and her hair wet with perspiration.

  ‘You can have tea when we’re done here,’ Mrs Glover told her abruptly, reaching for her large black bag. ‘You can have water for now. Bring a glass up and leave it with the bowl, will you?’ she asked Peggy, who said she would and hurried away again.

  What’s happened? she thought. Why is Mrs Glover so sharp with her? Has Susan taken summat to bring ’child on?

  She scurried downstairs again and an eruption of laughter came from the parlour as Rosie opened the door and headed for the kitchen. ‘Oh, Gran, I need ’privy now. Quick quick. Can I have a wee in ’yard?’

  ‘Yes, go on then. Don’t wet your drawers.’

  Peggy drew water into a glass and then, picking up the empty bowl, wearily climbed the stairs again and left them outside the door as instructed. Downstairs she poured herself tea and sat down at the table.

  ‘I don’t know what’s happening, Jack,’ she said. ‘But there are complications.’

  Rosie dashed back in again and he waited until the parlour door was closed behind her before he said, ‘What sort o’ complications?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She wasn’t going to tell him what she feared, but then came an anguished cry from upstairs, followed by another, and they both got to their feet as they heard the parlour door open again. Peggy dashed out to warn the children to stay where they were.

  It was Robin who stood in the hall. ‘Is something wrong?’ he asked, his face anxious and alarmed.

  ‘No, it’s all right,’ Peggy told him. ‘Nothing to worry about.’

  ‘I said I’d come to ask,’ he said bravely. ‘The girls were frightened.’

  She tapped her mouth. ‘I’ll explain later,’ she whispered. ‘Tell them it’s all right.’

  Jack stood at the bottom of the stairs as she went up again. ‘Should I come up?’

  ‘Not if you value your life,’ his mother said grimly. ‘You’re likely to have something aimed at your head.’

  When she went in the bedroom, there was a smell of blood and urine and Susan was stretched out on the bed, covered from the waist down by a bloodstained sheet.

  ‘I don’t want you here,’ she snapped. ‘Where’s Jack?’

  ‘Downstairs keeping out of ’way. What’s happened?’ Peggy’s question was to Mrs Glover.

  ‘Stillborn,’ the midwife answered. ‘Poor little mite was brought too early for him to tek a breath.’

  ‘A boy! Oh, I’m sorry, Susan. I know it was what you and Jack wanted.’

  Susan turned her head away. Rather oddly, Peggy thought, Mrs Glover turned her head too and concentrated on what she was doing.

  Peggy put her hand on the midwife’s arm and mouthed, Where is he?

  Mrs Glover looked up and shook her head and indicated the dry bowl, which now had a towel over it, and then put her hand up to indicate that Peggy shouldn’t look.

  ‘I’ll just clean up the patient,’ she muttered, ‘and then her husband can come up.’

  ‘I want him here now.’ Susan turned towards them. ‘Men should see what women have to go through, ’stead o’ strutting about and boasting that they’ve had a child.’

  ‘Well, he’s not coming up whilst I’m in charge,’ Mrs Glover retorted. ‘And if you want him here when, or if, you have another bairn, then you can find somebody else to deliver it. In fact,’ her face was red with anger, ‘you can find somebody else anyway cos I’ll not be coming back.’

  Peggy crept out of the room. She wasn’t wanted, Susan had said, although she was only going to offer to help clear up; she would have liked to see her grandson, but she was fairly sure that he had been very early, so maybe that was why he hadn’t lived and not because of her imaginings that Susan had in some way ushered the proceedings along. That, she thought, was far too dreadful a deed to contemplate.

  ‘I’m sorry, Jack,’ she told him. ‘The bairn
came too soon. Too early for him to tek a breath, the midwife said.’

  ‘A lad! Oh, and I was banking on its being a son this time.’

  ‘If you don’t mind me giving you some advice, Jack,’ his mother said carefully, ‘I wouldn’t say to Susan that mebbe next time …’ She paused a second before adding, ‘You might need to be a bit more careful for a while, let Susan recover.’

  Jack stared at her. ‘A bit more careful!’ he burst out bitterly. ‘Rosie’s six, isn’t she? How careful do I have to be, for God’s sake? Am I to be completely celibate, or go off and be a blasted hermit?’

  ‘I wouldn’t know, Jack, and neither do I want to.’ More than ever Peggy determined that they must find their own place and leave. ‘You’re to go up when ’midwife’s finished, and then will you tek her home?’

  Jack spent no more than a few minutes with his wife whilst Mrs Glover waited silently in the kitchen, refusing a cup of tea or a chair. When he came down, she simply nodded to Peggy and murmured ‘Goodnight’ as she followed him out of the door.

  Whilst the kitchen was quiet, Peggy made up Robin’s bed on the sofa, then collected the girls’ nightgowns from upstairs and brought them down. She called them from the parlour and sat them down in the kitchen and told them that sadly they would not be having a little brother or sister after all, as the baby had been called to heaven.

  ‘Your ma and da will be very sad for a while and your ma especially will want some peace and quiet, so I’m expecting that you will all be very good and not disturb her too much until she’s recovered.’

  ‘We heard a big shout,’ Rosie said, and Molly interrupted to say she had heard it too. ‘We’ll be good and give her a big piece of quiet,’ Rosie went on, ‘and mebbe you could make her a big piece of chocolate cake as well, Gran, cos that will make her very happy.’

  ‘She likes your chocolate cake, Gran,’ Molly said. ‘But she said we hadn’t to tell you.’

  Peggy controlled a sigh; she hated to think that her daughter-in-law might be trying to turn the children against her.

  ‘Robin,’ she said, ‘be a good lad and tidy up in ’parlour; put ’books and everything away whilst ’girls are getting into their nightgowns, and then you can all have a cup o’ cocoa afore you go to bed.’