by Angela Hart
From what I heard, it did sound like Grace was shouted at by Colette for the simplest things, like buying the wrong loaf of bread in the corner shop or accidentally chipping a mug when she did the washing up. Meanwhile, it appeared that Lily was treated like a little princess even when she behaved appallingly. At least, that’s the picture Grace painted, and I have to say I didn’t disbelieve her.
Despite the fact Colette’s split from Malcolm did turn out to be permanent, Lee and Cameron were still living in the house. Nowadays, Grace very rarely spoke about them. I had never met either stepbrother or even seen a photograph of them, or the family home. Grace told me that neither boy had a job, though they were now both over the age of eighteen. I knew precious little beyond those few facts.
On several occasions I’d suggested to Grace that she might like to put some photographs of her family in her life story book – or set of books as they’d become – but she never brought any pictures or souvenirs back from her contact visits, not ever. It meant that even after all this time I struggled to picture Grace when she was with her family, and I felt I knew next to nothing about them. This contributed to the pangs I experienced every time Grace disappeared in Barry’s car. My heart would sink like a stone whenever she returned in a bad mood, complaining about the weekend.
Life wasn’t perfect at home with us, of course. Grace could still be extremely over-exuberant, which led to arguments with the other girls and a few discipline issues in the classroom, and she had difficulty knowing when to stop, which irritated her friends sometimes. Nevertheless, she was as popular as ever and had a large social circle. She was also blossoming into a beautiful teenager. In fact, she was so striking she was scouted by a local model agency and featured in an advertising campaign, which was a great boost to her self-esteem. I set up a children’s bank account for her and we talked to her about the importance of saving money.
Inevitably, the ADHD pervaded all areas of her life, but I felt we all managed it as well as we possibly could. There were frequent episodes of extreme hyperactivity and Grace suffered some dreadful mood swings, particularly during the onset of puberty. On the advice of one doctor she took Evening Primrose Oil as a natural remedy for some of her symptoms, which she was convinced made her calmer. I’m not sure if this was just a placebo effect but, whatever the truth, she swore by it and relied on it for years.
When Lily was still only sixteen, she fell pregnant. Grace broke the news to me by saying, ‘Good and bad news. Lily has split up from her boyfriend but I still can’t go back in her bedroom because now she’s having a baby!’
By now Grace was thirteen. I’d mentioned to Barry that Grace had no bed in the family home, but he said that unfortunately sleeping on a sofa for a couple of nights here and there wasn’t a crime and that there was not much anyone could do about it. The family remained on Social Services’ radar because of previous fears about drugs in the home, and Barry told me that if there were any genuine concerns about the living conditions, they would be picked up on and dealt with accordingly.
‘Grace is safe in the home or we wouldn’t let her stay,’ he reassured me, but I didn’t feel great about her situation. She needed to feel more than safe. I wanted her to feel welcome, and that she was on an equal footing with her siblings when she was staying in the family home. Being relegated to the sofa just didn’t seem fair.
When Lily’s baby was born – a boy called Harley – the family dynamic naturally shifted. Grace told me that Colette was delighted at becoming a grandmother and was determined to perform the role well.
I spoke to Colette on the phone not long after Harley’s birth, and almost didn’t recognise her.
‘Angela, how are you?’ she asked, sounding excited and full of the joys of spring.
‘Who’s calling?’ I asked, before looking at the incoming number displayed on the handset of our landline phone and realising it was Colette. ‘Oh, sorry Colette. It’s you! I didn’t recognise your voice at first. I’m fine. Congratulations on becoming a grandmother!’
‘Thanks very much. It’s the best thing in the world. He’s adorable, our little Harley. And Lily’s such a lovely mum. We couldn’t be happier!’
Afterwards, I commented to Grace that her mum sounded very excited about the baby. She told me, ‘Mum said, “I want to be the best nana ever!”’
When I thought about this, I had mixed feelings. Of course I was pleased that Colette felt this way and I really hoped she’d live up to her pledge, but I couldn’t help thinking about how this statement might impact on Grace. I know that, if I’d been in her shoes, I’d have been wondering how her mother could welcome another child into her life when she herself had been shunned and placed in care.
Thankfully, Grace didn’t seem bothered about what her mum had said, or at least she didn’t seem to analyse it the way I did. She sounded pleased by her mum’s positive reaction to having a new baby in the house, which I think says a lot about Grace’s character. She was a very kind soul and, though she could lash out when people were mean to her or she was in a bad mood, it was not in her nature to be bitter or go looking for trouble. If anything, she looked for the good in people, even when she had reasons not to.
According to Grace, from the moment Lily had found out she was pregnant Colette banned Cameron from bringing his ‘druggie’ mates into the house, saying that if anyone wanted to do any smoking ‘of any kind’ they had to go in the back yard before they lit up. Lee apparently became quite reclusive, which I thought was very sad for him, though it made life easier for Grace. He now had virtually nothing to do with her, and thankfully this meant the accusations about him winding her up by taking her clothes had stopped. Grace told me Lee would walk straight past her without speaking if she ever saw him around the house. ‘I’m happy with that,’ she said pointedly.
‘I’m amazed Colette still has those two lads living with her,’ I commented to Jonathan. ‘You’d have thought they’d have moved out after she split up from Malcolm, and certainly now there’s a baby in the house.’
‘Money?’ he said. ‘I don’t like to be an old sceptic, but don’t you think that’s why?’
Unfortunately, Jonathan was right. Grace eventually told me that Colette only agreed that Cameron and Lee could stay living with her after Malcolm left because they paid her keep. She’d told each of them they’d be out on their ear, ‘quicker than you can wink’ if they ever didn’t pay up. With neither of them having a job, I figured the money they gave Colette could only have come from their benefits, or possibly drug dealing. Mind you, I was very unsure about the drug-dealing allegations that had filtered through to us. I imagined Social Services, if not the police, would have taken action about this by now if it were true.
Grace was clearly very taken with little Harley, and from the moment she became ‘Aunty Gracie’ she started to go home much more willingly, and more frequently. Lily took to motherhood well, it seemed, and from what Grace said it appeared to have knocked off the edges of her bossiness and sharp tongue. ‘Lily’s changed, a lot,’ Grace commented. ‘She’s tired all the time but she’s nice to me now. I think it suits her, being a mum.’
Grace helped her sister to feed and change Harley and seemed to be enjoying the visits home a great deal more than she ever had. Instead of just sitting in front of the TV, Grace went out for walks to the park with her mum and sister, taking turns pushing Harley in his pram.
‘Mum asked me when I was moving back,’ she said after a particularly successful visit, when Lily had said she was considering making Grace Harley’s godmother. Her words took me by surprise, and not in a pleasant way. I gulped. ‘Did she?’
‘Yes. Mum said she’d have me back any time! Lily wants me back too.’
Grace was smiling and was clearly delighted that her sister and mum felt this way. It was perfectly understandable. We all seek approval from our parents and siblings, and to Grace it was clearly a huge vote of confidence to have been invited back home, and to be considered for
the role of godmother. I think she must have viewed it as a massive endorsement for how she had progressed, and how well she was doing generally in her life.
To my knowledge, apart from what she’d said in the very early days of the placement, Colette had not talked about Grace moving back in with her for a long time. I’m not going to lie; it came as a bombshell to me that this possibility might be back on the agenda. Despite the positive changes since Harley’s birth, my head spun at the thought of Grace returning to live with her family.
At this point in time, she was doing very well at school, having started her GCSE courses, and she continued to do well in every avenue of her life, keeping up all her activities and getting on well with all her various friends. Though she never chased it, Grace’s modelling work had continued to trickle in. She didn’t take on many jobs as she had so many other commitments to prioritise, but the work she did agree to paid well and she enjoyed it. She appeared in several magazines and did some semi-regular work for a catalogue and a regional hair salon. The savings account I’d started for Grace now had a healthy balance. Through speaking to a contact she made at the modelling agency, Grace developed an interest in advertising and marketing and said she might like to work in one of those fields when she left school.
I went over all of the above when I told Jonathan what Grace had said about potentially moving back in with the family.
‘She can’t give all this up, can she?’ I said desperately.
‘Don’t panic. It’s understandable she’s happy it’s being discussed, but I can’t see it happening in reality, can you?’
I had to admit I couldn’t, not really. ‘She’s got too much to lose here, hasn’t she?’
As I spoke I found myself thinking how naive that hopeful statement of mine might be. I knew all too well that the bond between a parent and a child is stronger than anything else in the world, no matter what has gone on in the past, or how happy the child has been in foster care. When you added to that the fact that a teenage brain is not fully developed and does not work as rationally as an adult’s brain, I knew anything was possible.
Thankfully, Grace said no more about it, and perhaps one of the reasons why was that before long she got herself a boyfriend. His name was Robbie, and she met him at her swimming club. She was totally smitten and wanted to spend all her free time with him.
‘Do I have to come on holiday with you?’ she said, when half term came around. We’d booked a holiday in Scotland and were going on a coach, as there had been a special offer on at our local travel agent and we fancied a change from Jonathan doing all the driving.
‘Yes, Grace, it’s all booked now. It’s only for a week. You’ll love it. Scotland is beautiful.’
‘But I’m going to miss Joanna’s party, and there’s a thing on at the bowling alley and . . .’
I guessed that what she was really bothered about was missing Robbie, which was understandable. I told her that we would give her some holiday spending money and said that she would be able to give Robbie a ring from a phone box if she wanted to, as this was in the days when very few people had a mobile phone.
‘I’m not worried about Robbie, it’s everything else,’ she said, unconvincingly.
‘Look, Grace, we’re going and that’s that. It’s all arranged and paid for. Have a look at the brochure. There’s loads to do – archery, swimming, we can even go and watch some Scottish dancing. You’ll be so busy you won’t have time to think about what you’re missing at home, I’m sure.’
‘Scottish dancing! Is that when they have those men in kilts playing the bagpipes! I hate all that stuff. It’s boring! So boring!’
Grace continued to protest not only up until we left the house, but for the entire coach journey, which I must admit was very long.
‘What are we doing here? When are we stopping? Can I go to the toilet? Have you got any more food?’
Grace must have driven the other passengers mad because she didn’t stop talking or fidgeting. A girl of a similar age shared her sweets and pop with Grace which didn’t help matters at all. She was hyper, taking every opportunity to walk up and down the length of the coach, over and over again.
‘Grace, you need to stay in your seat.’
‘I can’t. I’ve got to stretch my legs. I’ve got ants in my pants!’
Jonathan and I tried to engage her in some travel games but she said she wasn’t in the mood, and I could see how wired she was.
‘I knew this would be long-winded! How long to go? Are we nearly there yet? Can I ask the driver when the next stop is?’
‘No, Grace, just sit down, please. Do you want to help me with this word search? How about a crossword or a game of cards?’
‘Boring! Boring! Boring!’ She tapped her fingers, hummed loudly and jiggled her legs about. The man in the seat in front of her had to ask her several times to stop jolting his seat; I think he’d reached the end of his tether before we’d even clocked up thirty miles!
‘See, everyone’s fed up on this journey! No wonder! Why did we do this? Why didn’t Jonathan drive? I’m never going on a coach again.’
We finally arrived, and the next day I was looking forward to visiting Edinburgh Castle. I tried to drum up some enthusiasm for the guided tour I’d booked. Grace was having none of it. ‘Can’t I stay in the hotel? I’ll be fine on my own.’
‘No Grace, you can’t.’
‘Well I don’t want to go.’
We had one of the other girls with us and I explained to Grace that the trip to the castle was one of the highlights of the holiday and that if she refused to go on the castle tour then none of us could go, as we all needed to stay together.
‘OK, I’ll do it, but you’re wasting your money!’ she taunted. ‘See if I care!’
Thankfully, the day passed without incident in the end, despite the fact Grace was like a coiled spring, which set my nerves on edge. For the rest of the holiday, Jonathan and I decided the best thing was to keep packing in as many activities as we could, to keep Grace entertained and help burn up her energy. It seemed to work, though she was completely underwhelmed by another day trip we went on, to a farm and museum where we tried our hand at some archery. Grace spent the entire day either sulking, dragging her feet or groaning whenever we asked her to do something, or simply keep up.
I was relieved when Grace slept for a lot of the journey home. With her batteries recharged from her long sleep, when we got back she shot straight round to Robbie’s house. She said she was very excited to see him again.
‘You know what, when I grow up and have kids, I’m going to have a house like Robbie’s,’ she told me afterwards.
‘What’s it like?’
‘Just, like, normal. You can get peace and quiet.’ Robbie was the only child of older, retired parents.
A couple of weeks later, Grace came home with a photo taken in his living room. The house was pin neat and simply furnished. Robbie and Grace were standing together, smiling, and his mum was in the background, wearing an apron and holding a cake on a plate. She looked like a very sweet and homely kind of person.
‘What a lovely picture,’ I said. ‘Perhaps you could put it in a frame in your bedroom? I’ve got a few spare frames that size, would you like to choose one?’
Grace was pleased with the idea and did it straight away. I thought about the fact she liked the ‘peace and quiet’ in Robbie’s house.
With other children living with us too, our house was always busy, but I hoped it was still a haven for Grace. Whatever we have going on in our lives, above all I always want every child to feel safe, protected and comfortable in our home.
Eventually, several weeks after we got back from Scotland, Grace came and apologised for the way she had behaved on the trip.
‘I’m sorry if I was difficult. I just wanted to come home.’
‘I know you missed Robbie.’
‘It wasn’t just that. I love being at home.’ She looked around our kitchen admiringly as she spoke.<
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‘I’m pleased to hear that. I love our home too. And I love having you here.’
19
‘You won’t believe what Grace just said’
Long before she did her GCSEs – for which she was now on track to achieve A–C grades in nine subjects – Grace started looking into local college courses and apprenticeships, with the help of a fantastic careers teacher at school. Needless to say, I was always encouraging her to work hard at school, keep her options open and aim for the best. She was adamant she wanted to leave school at sixteen, and she was still interested in doing something in the advertising or marketing industry, thanks to the chat she’d had with one of her modelling contacts.
We’d found Grace a maths tutor as this was a subject she had continued to find difficult, and she’d responded really well to the extra help she received. She worked hard in the sessions and on the homework set by the tutor and was determined to get the best grade she possibly could, which would hopefully be at least a C, and possibly a B.
‘I’ll do it, you know,’ she told me many times. ‘I’m going to do it, you’ll see! I’ll make sure you get your money’s worth!’
‘I’m very happy to pay for the tutor because you’re working hard. I’m proud of you, Grace. As long as you do your best, that’s what matters. You’re a hard worker and you deserve to do well.’
‘Thanks, Angela. I don’t think I would have stood any chance of passing maths without the tutor, or you. I know I can do it now. Thanks.’
She said this to me out of the blue, as she went out the door one morning. It made my day, as I’m sure Grace knew. She had such a good heart, and occasional kind words like that were so wonderful to hear and gave me a great boost.
As well as supporting her school work, I was giving Grace constant support in terms of her ADHD. It had become second nature to prompt her to organise her desk, her books and her school and sports bags. I still made sure she set reminders when she needed to hit homework and coursework deadlines, and I sat with her for hours when she needed to revise, understanding that she worked best in short bursts, and when topics were broken down into manageable chunks. Of course, I was also still vigilant about her diet and made sure she ate healthily, got enough sleep and generally looked after herself well. Those things were a given.
