by Angela Hart
We spoke about her ADHD on several occasions, and we still do. Grace asked me to go over exactly how she was diagnosed and, as I had done when she was a teenager, I described how she saw a child psychologist when she was eleven, and then how a young female educational psychologist identified ADHD after several sessions and signed her off, leaving us to our own devices. I said that, in hindsight, it was amazing that the diagnosis was made so quickly, especially at a time when so little was known about ADHD. We know now that it can be extremely difficult to diagnose, and even though we were given virtually no guidance as to how to deal with Grace’s ADHD, we agreed that she had been extremely fortunate to have been assessed by that particular psychologist.
‘All I can really remember was that it was like a light-bulb moment,’ Grace told me. ‘When I had a name for it, I felt a lot happier. Before the diagnosis I thought I was just naughty, I suppose. I remember Mum called me Little Miss Trouble. I couldn’t understand it because I didn’t ever mean to cause any trouble.’ She was controlling her ADHD really well, having improved her diet and lifestyle and continuing to use the techniques we’d learned together, such as list-making and focusing on one thing at a time.
In recent times, I’ve started to read about the very negative impact multiple placements can have on children. In Grace’s day this was never discussed but in hindsight it’s clear that it was not only ADHD that affected her behaviour. Going into care is a traumatic event in itself and moving between placements inevitably multiplies the effects of trauma. We know that experiencing trauma can adversely affect a child’s behaviour, social interactions and ability to learn. Grace lived in a total of nine foster homes, including ours, and she attended eleven schools in all. Not only that, she was moved miles away from her family. Clearly, even without her ADHD, she had a mountain to climb.
Grace was twenty-six when she married Steve, and she made a stunning and radiant bride. She and Steve had maintained their target weight, which they had worked extremely hard to achieve. I’d been on a diet for the big day and managed to lose a stone, which wasn’t easy at all. I took my hat off to them.
The wedding was wonderful and unforgettable – a day to remember. Seeing Jonathan proudly giving Grace away will be etched at the forefront of my mind forever. It was a priceless, heart-stopping moment.
The only member of Grace’s family who attended the wedding was Lily, who by then was the mother of four children. The sisters had become closer in recent years, while their relationship with their mother had deteriorated to the point where they barely spoke to her.
A few years into their marriage, I was sorry to hear that Grace and Steve were not able to have children of their own. They decided to adopt and had just been passed as adoptive parents when Lily had her latest baby – her fifth – removed by Social Services.
As I write, Grace and Steve are applying for an SGO, which is a special guardianship order, so they can care for Lily’s child. SGOs give the guardians parental responsibility over the child until they reach eighteen, but the child does not officially stop being a member of their birth family in the same way as they do when they are adopted. Once the SGO is granted, Grace and Steve will be able to raise Lily’s child as if he were their own, without intervention from Social Services. Lily is not only fully supportive of the plans, but extremely grateful to her sister.
Grace is in her early thirties now and no longer in contact with her mum. It’s taken a long time but she told me she made the decision to cut ties for the sake of her own mental health and wellbeing. Going through the gruelling process of applying to adopt made her see what an enormous responsibility it is to care for a child, and it brought back a lot of unhappy memories from her childhood. Grace said seeing her mum always triggered anxiety, and as she got older she felt a lot of anger and resentment too. The image of her old, grey suitcase would come into her mind. It made her heart rate increase and brought on feelings of panic and insecurity.
‘It’s been a very long road,’ Grace said. ‘And I couldn’t have done it without you.’
I have told Grace many times that I am incredibly proud of her, and I truly am. She has a huge heart and has triumphed against the odds.
If you met her today you would have no idea of her struggle with ADHD, of her difficult childhood and journey through the care system, or of the depths she fell to when she was missing from our lives. You’d simply see a healthy, positive and wonderfully kind young woman who is eagerly looking forward to the next exciting stage in her life. It’s incredibly rewarding to watch her thrive and it’s an absolute privilege to have Grace back in our lives. She’s a remarkable woman, and we love her to bits.
First published 2020 by Bluebird
This electronic edition first published 2020 by Bluebird
an imprint of Pan Macmillan
The Smithson, 6 Briset Street, London EC1M 5NR
Associated companies throughout the world
www.panmacmillan.com
ISBN 978-1-5290-2443-2
Copyright © Angela Hart 2020
Front cover image posed by a model © altanaka/Depositphotos
The right of Angela Hart to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Certain details in this story, including names, places and dates, have been changed to protect the family’s privacy.
You may not copy, store, distribute, transmit, reproduce or otherwise make available this publication (or any part of it) in any form, or by any means (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the publisher. Any person who does any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damage.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
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