by Sarah Tork
Maybe I’d have a boyfriend able to suppress these out-of-control feelings if people weren’t always on my ass about my appearance, destroying any remnant of confidence I possessed.
How could I snag a man if I never believed I was good enough?
According to Jenna, I was cute. And I was sure there was a guy out there who wouldn’t mind his girl having a little junk in the trunk.
I was sure he’s out there…somewhere…
The buzzer rang loudly, signally that the meet was over. I looked down the bottom of the bleachers, Jenna’s parents were sitting with the other parents, all abuzz with excitement.
A pang of jealously shot through me. They were wearing the t-shirts her dad had ordered: his in blue, hers in pink. Her dad jumped from his seat to enthusiastically applaud his daughter’s victory.
“Yeah! Jenna, my baby girl!” He fist-pumped the air then nudged his wife to join in on his embarrassing display of affection.
Jenna’s mom laughed and put her arm up in a haphazard attempt at a fist-pump. He laughed and grabbed her arm, shaking it to match his own excitement. As soon as he released her arm, she dropped it to her side, shaking her head at the mother seated beside her.
“I can’t bring him anywhere,” She smiled, unashamed. This was an everyday thing for her and she clearly loved him for it.
I let out another long breath and headed down the bleachers. As I passed Jenna’s parents, they told me to tell Jenna not to take an hour to change. I chuckled, knowing exactly what they meant.
“I’ll try,” I promised and headed into the hall to the alternate entrance to the change rooms. That was the only way I could enter because I had street shoes on.
“Fireball?”
I froze.
Nervousness consumed my body. I was only ‘Fireball’ to one person.
I hesitantly turned around. James was walking down the hallway towards me. His dark hair, normally so messy, was damp and slicked back.
He’d obviously just had a shower.
Do not go there!
Annabelle, for Christ’s sake, DO not go there… Shower…James…God!
My mouth went as dry as the Sahara as he came closer. With his hair combed back, I could see more of his beautiful – stop it! – face, and his green eyes… Damn!
Why did he have to be so good looking?
I had to calm down or he’d think I was some jittering freak.
“Hey,” I said nonchalantly – or did my best to, at least.
Play it cool, don’t let him see he affects you, at all.
“What are you doing here, come to watch me practice?” He smirked and folded his arms across his tightly-shirted chest.
Sigh... I mean, hell no!
Shaking out of the brief imagining of muscles and how his tight shirt would look so much better on the ground, I took a step back and did my best to seem bewildered at the audacity of his claim.
“You need to get over yourself,” I scowled.
“Why would I? I don’t see you running away. Guess you’re not as offended as you think you are,” James stated smugly.
My light brown eyes widened at his comment. “What?”
“Be honest, you miss me!” He smirked again, taking a step closer.
My heart was beating like crazy. “I don’t!” I took another step back, keeping the distance between us.
“Then why are you here? It’s still summer, beautiful. School doesn’t start for another few weeks.” His grin got wider, thinking he’d got me.
And he kind of did.
The way he looked at me was making me sweat…..
Calling me ‘BEAUTIFUL’ was a whole new level….GOD!
I’m beautiful! I gushed silently, feeling a joy reserved only for Christmas and birthdays.
Be on your guard, girl.
He knows what he’s doing!
I tried to shake it off, realizing he probably thought he had me in his pocket. He did, sort of, but I had to put a stop to it.
I leaned towards him.
“I’m here to see my best friend swim in a mock meet,” I explained. “So go screw yourself!”
His jaw clenched tightly and the warmth in his green eyes seeped away, leaving a stony coolness.
“I wish I could, but it’s usually better if there’s two people doing it,” James responded.
Don’t fall for it….. he’s playing you!
I stood silently.
It took me a moment to register the words pouring out of his – sigh – beautiful mouth. Then, like lightening, it all came crashing down, making sense.
Was he…did he mean us?
Doing it?!
Like together?
I felt my cheeks heat at a rate that would burst a thermometer.
“I’ve got to go,” I muttered, swallowing my heart back down.
My brain was slowly…..turning to mush.
I had to get away from him.
James nodded, his expression unchanging. My body now felt incredibly drunk. With my brain, too incapacitated to send a signal down to my sluggish legs to turn and walk away, the time to move, was now.
I regained control and pushed into the girls’ change room. I stopped between the outer and inner doors, resting against the wall for a moment as I composed myself. My heart rate needed to slow way down if I had any hope of forgetting what just happened, especially if I had to explain it to Jenna.
There was a mirror with a counter along one wall of the little hallway between the two doors. I faced the mirror, preparing to check my reflection to see how bad the damage was. If it was anything like how I felt at that moment, it would not be good. But, I was hopeful.
Please…not a disaster!
Carefully, I opened my eyes. All I saw was red.
I was literally red.
Shit!
I was horrified as I examined the shade of my cheeks. Thankfully, my hair was fine except for the beads of sweat that threatened to ruin the flat-ironing job I’d put my long strands through this morning.
Jesus! I could walk twenty minutes in the blistering heat then sit in the sauna-like pool area, and not sweat like I was now.
What was he doing to me?!
It’s like I’d never see a cute – okay, really hot – guy before!
I shook my head. I was confused at my body’s weird reaction to him. I wiped the beads of sweat off my forehead and stared at my reflection. My pupils looked dilated – honestly, I looked like I’d just gone through the biggest shock of my life.
You know why you feel like this, I explained to myself, ’cause he brought up having sex with him.
I clung to the counter for support, trying to control my breathing. The thought of doing anything like that with James was sending me into sweaty tremors.
The sound of excitement and shouting come from beyond the inner door.
Jenna! I suddenly remembered why I was here. I threw off the lust-filled tremors and glanced at the mirror one last time. My cheeks had regained some of their original color.
I pushed open the door to look for Jenna and congratulate her.
*~*~*
It was late afternoon by the time Jenna and her parents left the school for a celebratory dinner. They’d invited me to come but I graciously declined, telling them I had to eat at home tonight. I didn’t mention that Mom would blow a gasket if I had dinner at a restaurant for the second time this month. As far as she was concerned, the ‘pass day’ was a one-time indulgence. And she had made it irritatingly clear how much she regretted it every day for the past three weeks, always complaining that she didn’t understand how she’d let it happen.
Let it happen? That’s a laugh! Oh, it would have happened, I thought, recalling how the only thing that had kept me from cracking into a hysterical fit of angry tears was the pasta from Luigi’s.
Don’t think about pasta.
My stomach grumbled at the delicious reminder of rich tomato sauce over beautifully cooked pasta.
Damn it!
I was walking bac
k home after declining Jenna’s dinner invitation. I regretted saying no, especially when I realized what I’d be getting for dinner tonight: salad again, and steamed fish with lemon, ugh!
I turned to the patch of grass next to the sidewalk and kicked it. I was beyond frustrated and the only thing here to kick the shit out of was someone’s front lawn.
Damn it, my entire summer had been horrible!
From working under Shelby and meeting James only to realize he was a cocky asshole, to Jenna quitting work to train and spend all her time with the swim team. And the nasty cherry on top was this freaking diet I was being forced to do.
During my SUMMER!
When was I going to have any fun?
Wasn’t summer supposed to be fun?
I glanced around the neighborhood. I’d been walking on autopilot. I was only a few blocks away from the best plaza, featuring all kinds of entertainment and shopping.
The movie theatre!
I hadn’t been to the movies once this summer. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go, it was Mom’s paranoia about me possibly eating popcorn and drinking a regular Coke that drove her to plead for me not to go. I didn’t have energy to fight anymore, nor the will, so I gave in to her ridiculous request about skipping the movies for a while.
Well not now!
I decided then and there that I was going to watch a freaking movie.
With popcorn.
And a regular Coke.
I was determined, for the first time this was summer, I was going to enjoy it.
I texted Mom, telling her that the meet was running long and that I’d be home in a couple of hours.
Not surprisingly, she responded with:
Mom: Don’t eat anything. Dinner will be waiting!
Jesus, it’s always about the food with her.
Was it ever going to be about, like, if I was safe or not?
As soon as I hit Main Street, I was visually attacked by the traffic – it was insane! I entered the expansive parking lot, the only empty spots were the ones furthest away from the stores. There were cars everywhere, trying to get a closer parking spot. It was looking more like some new sporting event than a parking lot. I was glad to be on the safe sidewalk. But soon crowds of people replaced the aggressive cars.
I paused for a moment to look around and the crowd bumped its way by, almost taking me along unwillingly.
I wandered passed a few clothing stores and shoe stores that I wanted to check out later, after I received my next pay. I’d allocated a certain amount for back to school shopping and couldn’t wait to get started.
I stopped in front of Mark Theatres. It was the biggest theatre complex I’d ever seen. Truly amazing. I rejoiced at the sight of the massive structure before entering the box office.
Here’s to taking control. I mentally clinked glasses with myself.
Smiling, I examined the show times, hoping there was a movie starting soon. Unfortunately, the only one about to start was a horror.
Damn it!
I grimaced at the thought of watching Final Destination Twelve. I didn’t like scary movies.
At all.
My body was already tensing and breaking into a nervous sweat at the mere idea of watching one alone.
“Do it,” I pressured myself quietly.
I nodded and joined the long ticket line. There were a surprising number kids lined up, all jumping up and down excitedly.
No way, they can’t be here for Final Destination!
I scanned the listings board again, searching for any children’s movies playing later.
None!
I shook my head in amused disbelief. Here I was sweating over watching a scary movie and these kids were bouncing off the walls for it.
Was I pathetic or what!
I listened in as a father and son approached the counter: Final Destination Twelve, they announced to the ticket agent.
I watched as the ten-year-old peered over the counter as his father exchanged money for tickets.
“Cool!” the boy yelled.
His dad laughed. “Daniel, calm down.”
“Come on Dad, we need to get a good seat!”
Come on, Dad… Come on, Mom… Come on, Charles and Katherine.
I couldn’t even imagine being that pumped for a movie.
I lived in the real world. And in the real world, I was alone.
The sight of each family made me depressed as I thought of my own family. We each did our own thing most of the time.
The line moved along. My turn finally came and I hesitated for a few seconds.
“Are you going?” someone asked from behind me.
I didn’t respond, just rushed up to the counter and ordered my ticket. Next, I bee-lined it for the concession stand where I stood with silent glee. It was time for what I’d been craving all day: a popcorn and a regular Coke.
“Having a hard time making up your mind, Fireball?”
I froze for a few seconds before craning my neck to check behind me. I blinked back the shock of seeing him.
James!
He was behind me, towering above me with a giant smirk on his face.
“What are you doing here?” My shocked heart began to race.
“To watch a movie, obviously,” He scowled.
What’s his problem? Douche!
I turned my focus away, deciding what size of popcorn I wanted.
“Whatever. Have a good one,” I replied and walked to the counter. I could feel him follow, close enough that I could catch his scent over the buttery popcorn.
Damn it!
Why did he have to smell so good?!
“Why are you always running away from me?” He asked, amusedly.
Focus on the popcorn… Focus on the popcorn…butter…yum…James, yum…I mean, NO! Damn it!
“I’m not. I need popcorn.” I turned my head to hide the blush I knew was creeping in.
‘I need popcorn’?
Couldn’t I come up with something better than that?
“When are you going to stop lying to yourself? I make you nervous, it’s so obvious,” James declared, smirking.
The heat burning through me cooled down just a touch at his cocky candor.
Yeah, you make me nervous, but don’t flaunt it in my face, asshole!
I tossed him a dirty look over my shoulder.
“You. Need. To. Get. Over. Yourself!”
“You need to get over me,” He replied, laughing.
I ignored him and ordered a small bag of popcorn and a small coke.
Food in hand, I turned back to him. “Enjoy.”
“No, you enjoy,” I heard him call after me before approaching the snack counter.
Don’t tell me to ‘Enjoy’ anything…..
As I entered the theatre I found myself wondering what movie he could be seeing. I climbed the stairs and sat at the very back. The three rows ahead of me were all empty, making it feel very private. If I had a mini panic attack during the movie, there wouldn’t be any witnesses. I leaned back and rested my feet on top of the chair in front of me.
This feels so good, I thought, closing my eyes.
“Excuse me.”
My eyes snapped open to find James towering over me again. His legs were nudging mine, clearly wanting to get by.
“There are a million empty rows you can sit in, why this one?” I asked, keeping my legs where they were.
He crossed his arms, nudging my legs again. “I always sit in the same spot whenever I go to the movies.”
Really?
“Fine.” I dropped my legs down so he could pass through. He took one step and stopped in front of the seat beside me.
“Really?” I asked, bewildered. “Really? This is your spot, the one you always sit in when you come to the movies?”
“That’s right.” He stretched out his long legs, mirroring the position I’d just been in.
How am I going to get through an hour and a half with him right next to me?
I
could pick another a seat…No…this is my seat.
I’ll just have to deal with it.
I stared straight ahead and accepted it.
New thoughts began to surface.
Maybe…he likes me? I squirmed at the thought.
We remained silent until the movie began. Then he leaned into me, whispering into my ear. Sending waves of feelings so strong, I was beginning to think I was hallucinating.
“Feel free to hold on to me if you get scared, Fireball,” James offered.
Be cool!
“I’m good.” I shrugged, my eyes not leaving the screen. I felt him turn back to the movie.
Well done!
“We’ll see,” He whispered huskily.
He was so full of himself.
*~*~*
I made good on that promise. For the first half hour, I managed to keep a brave face at things that, had I been alone, would have had me flinching and screaming
Then the worst scene imaginable happened.
Why?
Why’d I pick this movie?
I fidgeted in my seat, sliding further down. My hand had a new home next to my eyes, saving me from experiencing the horrific deaths of the next few scenes.
I looked away from the screen and picked my popcorn bucket off the ground. James had been drinking a bottle of water gradually since the movie started. He was fine. He didn’t jump or slide down into his seat or cover his eyes.
Not once.
He’s got courage.
His eyes never closed, even when it became gory.
I was jealous that he could do that and I couldn’t.
I peered into my bucket of popcorn; I had a lot left. I contemplated sharing with James so it wouldn’t go to waste.
“Want some?” I whispered, leaning the bucket towards him. I was instantly assaulted by his signature scent of shampoo and cologne.
Smells so good!
He leaned in and grabbed a few. “Thanks.”
He didn’t take his eyes off the screen. I turned my head back to the movie just in time to see a car pinning a girl to the wall by her neck.
“Oh God!” I whispered involuntarily, covering my eyes as fast as humanly possible. I didn’t want to see this play out to its inevitable end.
A warm hand closed over mine, trying to pull my hand from my eyes.
“Fireball, it’s over.” His whisper sent shivers down my spine.
