by Sarah Tork
“I’ll drop you off at home,” he said as I reached to pick my backpack off the ground.
“No, that’s okay, I want to walk. Get some fresh air, you know.” I slid my bag over my shoulders as I explained.
I stretched my arms out and took a deep breath while he locked the front door. It felt like I’d been cooped up inside a musty, sweaty cave for God knows how long, but my phone said we’d been up there for less than two hours.
My phone beeped.
I checked the new message as I continued down the sidewalk.
Tiger: Baby u care about my safety, I’m touched. Miss u, can’t wait to see u again!
He misses me!! I gushed mentally.
My heart swelled with joy.
He missed me and couldn’t wait to see me again.
With an exclamation point!
What did that mean?
Did that mean next time would be even more exciting than the first time?
Shit! His expectations of where we were going had jumped big time! I knew one thing for sure: as long as I was still in this body, with all its jiggly bits, there was no way anything was escalating, including his excitement.
Even if he missed me and couldn’t wait to see me.
New high! I thought happily, planning to remember his words the next time he decided to piss me off by acting like the asshole version of himself.
Annabelle: That’s sweet. Have a good practice
I pressed send and tucked my phone back into my bag. I didn’t want to see any more messages from him today.
It was enough. My body and mind couldn’t take anymore of him.
Okay, I was lying, my body wouldn’t mind taking a little more of him but that wasn’t the point. I needed to maintain some ground control when it came to him. I had to show him – and myself – that there were limits where he was concerned.
Even if I really, really didn’t want to.
*~*~*
I walked to Subway and grabbed a 6-inch whole-wheat turkey sub, no sauce, and heavy on the lettuce.
This is healthy, I told myself as I bit into my sandwich.
It was around 1:30 pm when I went back home. Not because I wanted to, but because I had nothing to do and I didn’t want to spend any more money. I had to save every penny for when I could finally move out.
I unlocked the front door and walked inside. As I pulled off my shoes, I heard the familiar sound of excited footsteps rumble up the basement stairs.
“Annabelle? You’re home?” Mom called as she ran up the stairs.
“Yes,” I answered brusquely. I was still pissed at her for the stunt she pulled this morning and had no intention of letting her off easy.
“How was your morning?” She asked breathlessly as she walked over to me.
“It was fine,” I replied suspiciously.
“That’s good.” She was trying her best to be nonchalant. I wasn’t buying it. Her hands were shaking subtly next to her thigh.
“Alright, well I’m going to my room,” I announced as I took a step towards the stairs.
“Wait!” Mom blurted out.
I turned to face her. “Yes?”
“I understand that this morning I may have gone a little too far with the scale thing,” she conceded. “From now on your weigh-in time is yours, privately. Indefinitely.” She actually looked a little sorry.
“Thank you.” I took another step towards the stairs.
“Wait!”
I turned around again. “What is it now, Mom? Is there something you want?” I asked, beginning to feel a bit irritated. I really wanted to go upstairs, change into my home clothes, relax on my own bed, and imagine new scenes on my ceiling.
“Do your old mom a favor and tell her what you ate for lunch? Pretty please?”
I let out a long breath and answered as calmly as I could. “I had Subway. A 6-inch whole-wheat turkey sub. No sauce. Lots of lettuce.”
She nodded happily, clapping her hands. “Excellent choice, I’m so proud of you!”
“Anything else you’d like to know before I go upstairs?” I asked hesitantly.
“Actually, yes.” Mom looked at me warily, like I was a wild animal about to escape. “How many calories have you burned ’til now?” she asked cautiously.
I felt a small touch of anger stir in my throat, itching to yell at her, to give her a piece of my mind about this stupid daily calorie burn I was forced to complete or else feel the wrath of her disappointment. I was practically an adult and did not need to prove myself by how many calories I could burn a day. But my comfortable and very private room was within my grasp; all I had to do to get there was answer this one question. I glanced down at my calorie-burn watch and grinned widely.
“Six hundred and fifty calories,” I told her, trying not to burst out laughing.
Her mouth dropped in astonishment. I had never burned that many calories this fast. She leaned forward and grabbed my arm, checking my watch for herself.
“Six hundred and fifty calories, wow. Good for you, Annabelle. How’d you do it?” She was eager to know how so I could repeat it every day.
I headed for the stairs as I told her how. “Just spent the day experiencing the neighborhood. Every inch of it.” I ran up the stairs and into my room before she could question me further.
That’s if the neighborhood was James!
I shamelessly burst out laughing. I shook my head at myself and changed my clothes. I left my phone in my bag even though I was heavily tempted to check if James had sent me anything. But I didn’t touch my bag. Instead I turned on my radio, settling on a popular channel playing R&B.
I lay down on my bed and folded my arms behind my head, gazed up at the ceiling and flew to another world as the music filled the room.
*~*~*
I was on my bed, about to go to sleep.
It was almost midnight.
I’d stayed in my room checking my Facebook and email, and doing some searches of diet and fat girl blogs.
Those were interesting.
I finally emerged when I was called for dinner. I entered the dining room on edge about how everything was going to turn out considering the last time all of us were together I had screamed at everyone for being unfair.
Charles and Katherine were sitting side by side. I sat across from them without saying a word. Dad came marching up the stairs, saying hello to everyone as if this morning hadn’t happened.
Denial. They’re all in total denial.
I stared at each of them in turn, watching them go about their business as usual. I couldn’t believe it. I’d practically called out my brother and sister this morning for not treating me right and they were acting like all was well in the world.
All was definitely not well.
I was still deeply offended by their treatment. I was their older sister, someone they were supposed to respect and look up to, yet it’d been anything but that for the last couple of years.
I blamed one person for this.
Okay, maybe two people.
Firstly, Mom, for pushing the image of me as a failure down their throats every chance she could. Even if, in her twisted brain, she meant well.
Secondly, myself.
I understood that to gain respect you had to earn it; what had I done to show my younger siblings that I was someone they could look up to? All I’d been doing these last couple of years was taking Mom’s below-the-belt hits about my image. I’d done nothing to show them that I was a strong person regardless of Mom’s opinion. I’d only showed them how good at self-pitying I was.
Things needed to change. I needed a new game plan. But that was easier said than done. It would take time for me to one draw up. So I stayed silent during dinner, serving a reasonable amount of food on to my plate – salad, rice, and chicken – eating it as I listened to the conversation going on around me.
Today had been one of the strangest days I’d ever experienced. I had gone from low to high and now I didn’t know what I was…medium?
I stared at my alarm clock for the last ten minutes, watching each minute pass slowly. The day was almost over and my hand was itching to grab my phone from my bag to see if he’d sent me anything. I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling, trying to distract myself from the clock as each minute seemed to pass slower than the last. I was beginning to feel irritated.
Calm down, I told myself. I needed to relax. If I continued to stay excited like this, even after I’d turned in, I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, slowly releasing it. I repeated this process several times. Finally giving in to my impatience, I turned to my right and checked the time. 12:02am.
“Yes,” I whispered victoriously as I got off the bed and reached for my backpack. I pulled out my phone and tapped it on. I stared down at the empty screen in shock.
No messages!
It felt as if someone kicked me in the stomach.
I tapped on my inbox to see if I’d missed any accidentally. Sometimes the phone didn’t recognize a new message. My last message was the one James had sent while I was walking home. I slouched back onto my bed, extremely disappointed.
What happened?
CHAPTER 10
Friday September 7th 2012
There should have been a disclaimer flashing high above his head when I first met him, then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten myself into such a state.
Attention unassuming females! Attention unassuming females!
Beware!
Assholes disguised as cute guys that have no problems with the word ‘No’! That is, until you leave the scene of the crime and then they never call you again.
Beware!
I blinked a few times from shock.
How the hell did I make it to the kitchen? The last thing I remembered, I was on my bed gazing up at the ceiling, trying to imagine a new scene that would make me feel better. I’d come up with nothing.
All of a sudden I was in the kitchen with my back to school clothes on.
“That’s a nice shirt you’re wearing, Annabelle. Green really suits you, especially forest green,” Mom complimented as she sipped her morning coffee.
Green! I felt that familiar ache resurface in the pit of my stomach. The one that had been getting worse as each day of the past two weeks went by. It was the result of one thing: my phone and no new messages from anyone except Jenna.
There was nothing from him.
I felt like a live-action teen magazine article about pressure and how not to handle certain situations.
It was Friday. Two weeks had gone by and there was still nothing from him. As if our morning together never happened.
Was it because I didn’t want to take off my shirt? I pondered for the hundredth time. I shook my head, that didn’t make sense.
Or did it? Was I just too stupid to read the universal signs of the average teenage guy?
Even if he was upset, he really shouldn’t have been. We hadn’t even known each other for that long and it wasn’t as if I was going to have sex with him so early on in our (none)relationship.
He hadn’t claimed me as his girlfriend and what kind of girl would have sex with a guy who wasn’t her boyfriend?
Not me.
Douchebag!
Asshole definitely trumped cute. Every point he’d earned from before was null and void. There were no more chances for him. If I saw him at school, I was going to ignore him.
Bye, bye James!
“Although, Annabelle,” Mom hesitated, “the shirt is nice but don’t you think it’s a little snug in the…you know…belly area.”
That’s good, she’s treading carefully because she’s scared I’ll snap again! I smiled, realizing my little stunt two weeks ago might have given Mom that attitude adjustment she needed.
“It feels fine to me, Mom.” I pulled my shirt down past my waist, it had scrunched up a little when I had sat down but I hadn’t realized it because I was so out of it this morning. I didn’t even remember walking in here.
“Alright, darling, no problem. Be comfortable the way you are,” she said as I took my final mouthful of the organic cereal she’d poured for me. I didn’t remember her pouring the cereal either. I wouldn’t have let her pour this for me had I been awake enough to protest.
Be comfortable the way I am? What the hell did that mean? Confused, I got up from the table and put my empty bowl in the sink.
“I’m off,” I announced to everyone. Yes, everyone. Apparently I’d been so out of it up until five minutes ago that I didn’t even realize the whole family had descended on the breakfast table.
I glanced at Charles and Katherine taking the final spoonfuls of their respective bowls. Charles munched on Cheerios while Katherine enjoyed her Cornflakes; both got to have a tiny bit of honey on it too – dancers and soccer players burned a lot of calories, so Mom had no problem with them having honey even though she’d gone crazy this summer about everything that went into my mouth. Damn it, I wanted honey too. It would have certainly helped with whatever it was I’d had for breakfast. It looked like a hundred small twigs swimming in milk. Not only did it not look appetizing, it didn’t taste like anything. Even the milk tasted watered down.
Did she mix water with skim milk for me? I contemplated, horrified. No!
I shook it off and tried to focus on something else.
I wonder…if she knew that I made out with James, would she have asked me how many calories his saliva was? I grinned as I walked towards the front door.
Disgusting, I thought as I recalled the word ‘saliva.’
Did I really mix my own saliva with his?
I grabbed my shoes and sat down on the last step.
“Annabelle, wait for a moment, please!” Mom shouted from the kitchen as I put on my black Converse. I tucked my black skinny jeans over the top of my shoes, covering the looped laces and got up off the stairs. I swung my backpack over my shoulder and waited by the front door to see what she wanted now.
Mom came out of the kitchen with a brown paper bag in her hand. I stared at the bag in horror.
“I made lunch for you,” she exclaimed, happily waving the bag back and forth.
I shook my head.
“No way, Mom. I’m not taking a paper bag lunch to school,” I sternly told her.
“Why not?” she asked, flustered. “The food in this bag is calorie-controlled.”
“Why? Because I’m a senior now. I’ll look like an idiot walking into the cafeteria with a paper bag lunch while everyone else is buying their lunch.”
She didn’t say anything for a moment, looking conflicted. This was it; this was what she’d been going on about all summer. Senior year. The diet, the daily calorie burn, the exercise, the food monitoring. It was all for senior year and how I’d look to my peers.
“Can you assure me that you’ll buy salad or something low calorie?” Her tone was dead-serious.
“I can assure you I won’t buy anything fattening.”
“That’s not good enough,” Mom said shortly. “I need to know if I can count on you to be responsible with your lunch selections from now on.”
Jesus! What does she want from me, to sign a contract in blood that I won’t buy cheesy fries and hamburgers?
I began to feel anxious; her tone was putting me off. I was an adult, if I wanted to eat something I should be able to eat it without having to explain it to anybody.
“I won’t buy any hamburger
s or fries or hot dogs. If I see a salad, I’ll choose that. If I see low calorie wraps, I’ll choose that.” I did my best to not sound irritated, but even I could detect it in my tone. Hopefully, she didn’t notice. I wasn’t in the mood for a fight; I just wanted to get to school before I was late.
Walking in late on the first day in front of everyone? No, thank you!
“Good enough?” I asked calmly, my hands itching to open the door.
She remained silent for a few seconds, her face busily contemplating what I’d said.
“Yes, I’m satisfied with that.” She smiled as her shoulders relaxed. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I’m going now. Bye.”
“Have a great first day. Senior year, Annabelle!”
Like I needed the reminder as I walked out. “Yes, Mom, I know.”
What the hell was that? I thought as I took in the morning air.
*~*~*
“Girl, where have you been?” Jenna shouted from the bottom of the stairs at the front of the school. I did a little jog towards her.
“Sorry, had a paper bag lunch scare this morning,” I explained in faux horror.
She laughed and leaned against one of the cement pillars.
“Well, I assume the crisis was averted then?”
“Yeah, I put my foot down.”
“Good. Anyways – you look good today, great color,” Jenna complimented.
“Thanks. But do you notice anything else that looks great?” I asked playfully shimmying.
Jenna pretended to think for a moment, scanning my body from head to toe.
“Well, if I’m being honest, those ten pounds you lost – your body’s showing the loss.”
“Really?!” I exclaimed.
“Dude, I’m your best friend! I wouldn’t lie about how you look – I’m always going to be a hundred percent honest. It’s the only way.”
“Okay, okay. Tell me, what are the biggest differences you notice?”
“Definitely a loss in the chin area, you don’t have a double chin anymore.”
