by Sarah Tork
Jenna eyed Donna one last time, then grabbed my arm and tried to pull me away from the death glare I was giving James. “Anna, let’s go, now!”
I wasn’t going anywhere!
“I can’t believe you!” I screeched at him, my lips rippling. Tears were flowing all over my face. “I can’t believe you! That was supposed to be private! You told all of them!”
“I didn’t!” James growled, visibly shaking. “I didn’t say a God damn thing.”
“You’re a liar!” I yelled, not caring anymore who heard, who witnessed. If they wanted to, they could all talk about me for the next millennium. I was going to say everything out loud. “You are a liar!”
Roy stepped forward with his palms up. “Anna, chill. He didn’t tell Donna.”
James jerked his head towards his friend sharply. “You see, I’m telling the truth, I didn’t say anything!”
Donna stopped trying to get out of her girls’ grasp and looked at James pathetically. “James?” She cried, but he didn’t look at her, he just kept looking at me, his chest pumping in and out.
“I don’t believe you.” I cried, feeling more tears cascade down. I tried to wipe them away but there were too many. “You’re an asshole.”
Another one of James’s boys stepped forward. “Anna, Donna probably heard us talk about you, that’s how she knows.”
“I don’t care!” I snapped at him, and then faced James again. My eyes were bulging out, stinging from all the tears escaping. “I don’t care anymore about you, you can go do whatever you want. I don’t care!”
“Are you done?” James asked bitterly. “You’re acting like a psychopath!”
“Good!” I spat back at him. “Good!”
I felt Jenna grab my shoulder, trying to push me back. I moved back a few spots, but my eyes never left his. “I’m so done with you! You hear me, I’m done with you!” I yelled at him. I glanced around, the entire hallway once alive with after school chatter was quiet, they were all staring at me and James.
We were the show.
Great, just great.
But this needed to happen.
I’d had enough.
“You never cared about me.” I cried, shaking my head at him as Jenna pushed me backwards towards the exit. “You never cared at all!”
James eyes bulged. Looking very angry he lunged forward, but arms shot out stopping him. “Let me go!” He roared, ordering his friends, who weren’t wavering on their grip on him.
“No dude let it go.” They told him as he struggled to break free.
I wiped my tears away, shaking my head once more at him before turning and walking through the door with Jenna.
“Anna, come on, let’s go, don’t pay any more attention to those jerk offs.” Jenna said as we entered the patio. We quickly trekked down the stairs not saying another word before we hit the curb where her mother normally picked her up.
Jenna ran her fingers through her hair, looking bewildered. “Oh my God, I can’t believe that just happened.”
I gulped, feeling my face begin to cool, even though it was really hot outside. That’s how hot I was. “I know.” I panted.
“He deserved that. You humiliated him right in front of everyone!” Jenna yelled joyously, fist pumping over her head. “And Donna, can you believe her? That crazy skank has a lot of nerve! She totally knew what she was doing when she called you Fireball! She’s lucky I didn’t punch her mouth!”
I shook my head at her. “I would have stopped you, it would have ruined any chance of you getting a scholarship. She’s not worth it. None of them are worth it.” I breathed, trying to control the quivers in my voice.
“You’re right, they’re not.” Jenna said, and then glanced past my shoulders. “My mom’s here.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to you later.” I told her beginning to walk away. I knew my face was red and I didn’t want her mother seeing me like this. I needed the time it took to get home for the color in my face to return back to normal and for the rest of my face to dry. Not to mention the fact that my eyes were probably glowing red.
I felt Jenna grab my shoulders. “Oh no you don’t, I’m not leaving you alone for Mr. Douchebag to come driving up next to you while you walk home. I’m driving you home.”
I shook my head. “No, I don’t want your mom to see me like this!” I pointed to my face.
“You’re fine, just a little red. We’ll tell her you threw up from eating something bad during lunch. She’ll believe that for sure.” Jenna assured, pulling me to the curb as her mother’s blue minivan rolled up. The window rolled down.
“Hey Anna banana, how are you my sweet darling?” Jenna’s mom called from the driver’s seat with a huge smile.
Mustering up whatever was left of my happiness which was micro, I smiled meekly at her. “Hi, I’m okay.”
Jenna opened the back door and yelled. “Mom, we’re giving Anna a ride home, she’s not feeling well.”
“No problem, my pleasure!” She yelled.
“Thanks.” I told her, and then eyed Jenna sternly.
Jenna jerked her head to the side, motioning for me to go in. “You first.”
Just breathe.
*~*~*
There was only one room left for me to go to. It was the closest thing to a safe zone I had. The door was locked and that was okay, usually our bathrooms were. I was safe for now, because there was no room for pointless words on positivity or how I could have done things better.
Not in here.
My long list of ‘faults’ was banned until my shower finished. It was going to be a long shower if I had anything to do with it. My eyes shut tightly and I hugged my knees, sitting in the bathtub while hot water drizzled against my back.
Besides the comforting sound of pounding water, the silence that accompanied it was greatly appreciated. But tragically not long after I’d stepped inside the bathtub, a knock on the door jerked me out of the heavenly sedation.
“Annabelle?” Mom called from the hallway. And if my mom had anything to do with it, the shower was about to be cut short.
“Sweetie, are you okay?” Mom’s muffled voice traveled through the locked bathroom door and the fog of hot water to me.
“I’m fine.” I spoke loud enough for her to hear.
“Are you going to be finished soon?” Mom asked.
Maybe she wanted to use the shower. “Yeah I’ll be done in five minutes.” I sighed.
“When you’re done your shower, come down for dinner.”
“Okay.” I answered, ducking my head back underneath the jet stream.
The best therapy in the world couldn’t rival what I was getting out of this shower right now, and sadly, it had to end. Minutes later, I dried the last drop of water off of me and wiped the steamy fog off the mirror, catching my reflection for the first time. My eyes were red, my cheeks were puffy and my nose felt enflamed from napkin abuse. Hopefully there wouldn’t be questions regarding my appearance, I didn’t feel like lying anymore about ‘why’ I didn’t look ‘okay’.
A hollow shell carried me down to the dinner table. I was left dazed, eating as if I were stuck in slow motion.
“Everything okay darling, you’ve barely eaten anything.”
I pushed the other half of my uneaten chicken across my plate and then put my cutlery down before glancing up at mom, who was looking at me with concern. “I’m going to go lie down.”
“You’re not hungry anymore?” Mom asked, her head turning as I made my way into the kitchen.
“No, not anymore.” I answered nonchalantly, saran wrapping my plate and putting it in the fridge for later in case my appetite came back.
“Alright, go lie down. Maybe you’ll be hungry later.” Mom said.
I didn’t bother changing out of my clothes when I layed on top of my bed and gazed at my blank ceiling.
Normally within the first few seconds, a million different stories would have popped up.
But right now, I had nothing.
&nbs
p; There was no imagination left in me. My soul was scarred beyond repair. I was stuck inside a thick grey fog, unable to find a way out because my vision was still blurry.
I was lifeless.
I was not young Annabelle anymore.
I was now an older, bitter, depressed, thinner version of myself.
And my heart was broken because of it.
CHAPTER 33
I fell asleep with my school clothes on last night and in the same position I last remembered being in. My arms were hanging off my bed and when I woke up, they’d felt sore.
That was two hours ago. I’d woken up at four in the morning to darkness. Not that I minded. Dark was good. Sometimes it was needed too.
Just as the morning sun rose highlighting my room through cracks in the blinds, I’d already decided on something.
Two hours of mindless thinking will do that to you, especially underneath the blanket of night. Everything was going to be okay. I just needed to remind myself of that. Maybe if I said it to myself enough times, I’d start feeling better.
I’d felt two percent better, so it was a step in the right direction. Only ninety eight percent left to go. I wondered if I could increase that number by the time I got to school.
Waking up early had its perks. The bathroom was all mine, so I decided to take another shower. Maybe I could wash away some of yesterday’s ‘stink’ off of me that still lingered despite the shower I took when I arrived home yesterday.
I prayed, maybe, hopefully, please!
I basked underneath the heavy stream of hot water as it cascaded down my back, feeling that ‘stink’ slowly dissipate. And with that, I was up a few points in the feeling ‘better’ department.
Ten percent better.
“Annabelle!” Mom called through the closed bathroom door and my eyes snapped open as hot water circled around it.
“Yeah?” I called out.
“Darling, are you feeling better?”
Even though hot water had been continuously pouring over me for the last ten minutes, mom’s concern made me feel warm inside and almost instantaneously the beat of my heart picked up a little more.
Fifteen percent better.
I smiled a little, wiping wet hair away from my face. “Yeah, I’m feeling a little better.”
“Good, I’m glad. I don’t want my baby girl feeling bad anymore.” Mom said, determined. “Enjoy your shower sweetheart.”
The term of motherly endearment melted some of the ice over my heart and I gulped tears back that had nothing to do with James. For the first time, in a long time, I felt better thanks to her.
Who would have thought.
My smile grew bigger after I heard her step away from the door and I stared up at the jet stream, whispering. “Thank you mom.”
Twenty percent better.
*~*~*
“Good morning sweetheart,” Mom called from in front of the stove as I entered the kitchen.
“Good morning.” I said, taking a seat next to Katherine who was busy eating pancakes drizzled with syrup. “Good morning Katherine.”
“Morning!” She chirped, smiling sneakily as she slowly raised her pancake filled fork to her mouth. If this had happened a few months ago, I would have shot daggers at the little sneak.
But not today.
Pancakes didn’t have my heart beating like they’d used to.
Twenty two percent better.
I shook my head and smiled at her, reaching over and rubbing her head delicately. When I dropped my hand at a surprised Katherine, because I hadn’t retaliated to her little boast, I glanced up at mom, who stood with a plate of pancakes and a frozen expression.
“Everything okay, mom?” I asked as she slowly snapped out of it.
“I’m okay.” She murmured and put the pancake filled plate in the center of the table. “Yummy pancakes, your favorite Annabelle.”
She put an empty plate in front of me and pushed an Aunt Jemima’s syrup bottle in front of me. “Eat up!”
“Mom.” I murmured, my hands stalling on the edge of the table. Pancakes weren’t a part of my diet plan.
“Have as much as you want.” Mom said, opening the fridge and scouring it for something. She pulled out a bottle of orange juice. “Would you like some orange juice?”
“Mom,” I started again. Didn’t she remember my diet? I couldn’t drink juice, there were too many calories. Without waiting for my answer, mom grabbed two empty cups and filled them with juice, then placed them in front of Katherine and me.
“Drink up!” She chirped, returning the bottle back to the fridge.
“Mom,” I started again, but she interrupted me again.
“Start eating the pancakes, they’re getting cold.” Before I had a chance to tell her that I wanted to eat the healthy cereal, she quickly stabbed four pancakes and dropped them onto my plate. I stared in awe at the amount she voluntarily placed.
She was acting weird.
Maybe it wasn’t even her right now. With this morning’s nurturing session to the pancake feast she was trying to get me to eat, calories be damned, perhaps an alien race abducted her and replaced her with a clone who was programmed to act extra motherly.
Maybe.
It’s possible.
“Eat, they’re delicious!” Mom grabbed her cup of coffee and sat beside me.
I eyed her. “Mom,”
She put her cup down and exhaled. “What?”
“I don’t think the nutritionist said anything about having pancakes in my diet.” I reminded her, not touching my pancakes, or my juice. I could only imagine how many calories they each had.
It was too much, especially just for breakfast. It wouldn’t leave me much to work with for the rest of the day.
“I know,” She stared at her coffee as if she was thinking hard about something. Then she inhaled deeply and then exhaled. “I just…I don’t know.”
“Mommy are you okay?” Katherine’s baby voice asked.
Mom looked up and smiled at her. “I’m okay baby.” She shook her head a little and glanced at me. “I’m sure you can eat one and you can drink half your orange juice. I counted the calories, it should be fine.”
Mom went to cupboard and brought back an empty cup. She quickly emptied half of my orange juice in it. “We’ll share.” She smiled and then took three pancakes off my plate, leaving me with one. “They’re whole wheat by the way.”
I gulped and nodded. “Okay, as long as they’re whole wheat. I guess it’ll be okay. But with no syrup though.”
“Of course sweetheart.” Mom smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. They looked sad and I didn’t know why.
I quickly did another count of the calories and they were just under two hundred.
I hoped it was under two hundred at least.
Reluctantly, I ate the pancake, which tasted dry, but I wasn’t going to put syrup on it to enhance the flavor. That syrup represented one thing to me now, and that was fat on my ass.
Not attractive.
Not attractive to boys….or a certain boy. Not that it had made a difference anyways, the way he’d acted. My dramatic weightloss didn’t change anything the way I thought it would have.
I drank my orange juice and then carried the dirty dishes to the sink. “Thanks for breakfast, I’m off.”
Twenty two and half percent better.
The food gave me fuel, but I’d worried about the calorie count too much to have an increase in my ‘feel better’ percentage quest.
“Have a good day at school sweetheart.” Mom called, not looking up from her still filled cup of coffee.
What was wrong with her today?
Maybe she was just having an off day.
Just like I was.
I grabbed my bag and slid into my black chucks. Right when I was about cross the threshold out, I caught a glance of myself in the full length mirror on our jacket closet. I’d worn my signature long black shirt and blue skinny jeans. I’d worn a version of this yesterday. Normally
I was cool with doing repeats, but today, it didn’t feel right to walk out in the same clothes as yesterday. Especially with what was waiting for me at school today.
Oh God.
I didn’t want to think about that right now, or him, or them, not until I’d absolutely had to.
I looked like the same old, young, naïve Annabelle.
I may have changed physically, but I’d yet to start looking like the woman I’d wanted to be.
Strong, Unwilling to compromise, Powerful.
What was that saying again? Look good, feel good.
I needed to follow that mantra. Jenna and I threw down the gauntlet yesterday, and I was about to head into a war zone.
I needed battle gear and what better gear for this particular battle than clothing that accentuated my assets.
I knew what I had to do.
I dropped my bag to the floor and quickly yanked off my shoes before racing up the stairs back to my room. I opened my closet and scoured it for the shimmery black tank top I’d worn to Peter’s ‘back to school’ party last month.
As I layed eyes on the magical top, for the first time since yesterday’s pre-hallway fight, I grinned.
Thirty percent better.
*~*~*
Jenna’s jaw dropped when she saw me walking up to our usual meeting spot at the bottom of the stairs. She pushed herself off the pillar she was leaning against and grinned. “That’s what I’m talking about!”
“Is it too much?” I asked, feeling a bit apprehensive. The top seemed like a good idea as I was putting it on, but twenty minutes later, I wasn’t so sure anymore.
It seemed more revealing today than at Peter’s party.
Twenty Eight percent better.
Damn it, two points down. That wasn’t good. I needed to snap out of it if I had any hopes of surviving today.
Jenna shook her head. “No way, you look awesome!”
“Really?” I asked, feeling myself move back up in percentage.
Jenna nodded. “Oh yeah, especially those puppies.” She pointed to my boobs for a second, and then lowered her arm to cover her mouth as laughter spilled from it.
I grimaced. “No! I can’t believe you did it in public again!” I turned and quickly headed up the stairs. If I wasn’t so annoyed at her I would have gone slower up the stairs. The result of yesterday’s meltdown awaited us, and I didn’t want to have to face it any faster than I had to.
