by Jamie Begley
“Do you love me?”
His hand jerked, spilling the milk on the counter.
Jo looked down at the thin skin of the grapes, taking another as Rider went to the paper towel holder. Returning, he was searching her face, trying to derive from her expression what was going on behind her cool exterior.
“Let’s go to my room to talk,” Rider said as he cleaned the mess the milk had made, tossing the paper towels into the trash before trying to take her arm.
Jo jerked it from him. “I don’t want to go to your room. I want you to answer my question.”
He narrowed his eyes at her. “You had a traumatic experience. We should discuss this privately.”
“Have you ever had a problem having sex in front of them?”
“No.” His jaw firmed.
“Then you should be able to talk about your feelings for me in front of them. Do you love me?”
“Don’t ask questions—”
“I want the answer,” she stated, uncaring that they were the center of attention.
Jewell had carried her cup of coffee back to the table, retaking the chair she had offered to her. Lazily sipping her coffee, she watched the escalating tension between them.
“No,” Rider finally answered.
Jo nodded. She had figured that out for herself last night.
“You know I love you.”
“Yes.” Rider put the bowl of uneaten cereal in the sink. “You told me the night you got drunk, but I knew before then. You wear your feelings on your sleeve.”
“Do you even like me, Rider?”
“I care about you.”
She caught the flicker of something behind his eyes. She believed him. As far as she knew, whenever she asked him a direct question, he would answer it truthfully.
“Wow. Thanks. I feel so much better.” Jo turned to the telephone that was sitting on the counter. Rider made no effort to stop her when she dialed the number she knew by heart.
A sleepy voice answered, “Hello?”
“Mick, I’m at The Last Riders’. Can you come pick me up? I’ll be waiting in the parking lot.”
“I was going to take you.” Rider waited until she hung up before trying to put his arm around her. “Jo, what happened last night was a traum—”
“Quit saying that!” Jerking away, she backed away from him until the length of the counter separated them. “When I was raped, that was traumatic. Yes, last night was horrible, but I will get over it. And, God willing, I will be able to get over whatever experiences the future holds for me …” She lifted her fingers to around her neck, unfastening the necklace he had given her for Valentine’s Day. “And like the others, I will get over them without you.”
43
Her injured feelings had her walking away from him without a backward glance.
Rider strode to the back door, blocking her from leaving.
“Jo, every person is different. Just because I don’t call the feelings I have for you love doesn’t mean I don’t feel that.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Rider. I can only stomach so much. I was raised watching my father try to win my mother’s love. I won’t spend the rest of mine trying to earn yours.” Jo turned toward the swinging door, but Rider hastily moved to block her from leaving through that exit, too.
Seeing that he was determined to get her to listen to him, she went behind the counter.
He shot Mercury a look that sent her scurrying out of the way.
Lily cleared her voice. “Shade, we should go.” Standing, she was about to take John by the hand to get him moving, when Shade tugged her down onto his lap.
“I want to finish my coffee. If I pick up Clint’s carrier, he’ll wake up.”
Rider ignored what was going on behind his back, searching for a way to save the relationship he felt slipping beyond his grasp. “I don’t understand what set you off—”
“I’m not a military mission you can fix!” she yelled at him. “You are a devious bastard.”
Rider started around the counter, wanting to calm her down. The way she was looking at him was chipping away at the ice encasing his heart.
“Jo—”
“Stop it, Rider, just stop!” She had moved to the other side of the counter, both exits open to her, but she didn’t try to run. She did the exact opposite. Slamming her hands on the counter, she confronted him with the counter between them. “If it’s not love you feel for me, what have all these months been about? You don’t do anything without a reason, so tell me what it was! Because I for damn sure thought what was between us was love.”
“I want a family.”
“This is about having children?” She raised her brows in disbelief.
“No, I was going to leave that to you.” He realized he should have lied when he saw her skin go ashen. “I want a family, whether it consists of two, three, four, or how many you want. I was going—”
“To leave it to me,” she finished sadly, looking away from him. “Why do you want a family?”
That she was delving deeper into his reasoning gave him a spark of unease, but he wanted her to know the truth, so that when or if she decided to give them another chance, she would know what to expect. It was a cold approach, but the alternative was impossible for him. He wasn’t going to drop his guard and love her. He had failed twice, and he didn’t have the heart to try it again.
He was about to answer when Gavin came into the room.
“What’s going on?” He stopped, reading the strained atmosphere in the room.
“Jo is giving Rider hell,” Jewell explained, sipping her coffee.
“Oh.”
Rider raised a brow when the brother sat down at the table to watch.
“Are you going to answer me?” Jo slammed her hands down on the counter to regain his attention.
“I want what they have.” He gestured to the table.
Jo snapped her head around, surveying the room. Then she heatedly came around the counter to stand in front of him. “You want me to give you what they have? You want us to have what they do?” She lifted tear-washed eyes to his.
The feelings she was making no effort to hide weren’t just chipping away at his resolve. It was worse. Each blow fractured and cracked open to pierce his wounded heart.
“Yes,” he gritted between clenched teeth.
“What you’re seeing is love, Rider. A love that, when Cash saw Rachel, he couldn’t wait to have her in his arms.”
Rider stared at the couple who were sitting at the table and holding hands. Their chairs had been scooted together so no one could get between them.
Jo’s words peeled away the layers of protection he had surrounded himself with when he had divorced his first wife.
“A love that can make a man the size of Knox not be ashamed for everyone in the garage to see the tears in his eyes when he saw Diamond.”
Rider flicked his gaze to the couple sitting next to Cash. Knox’s arm was around the back of his wife’s chair; their chairs so close together she could snuggle into his side.
“A love that can make my pastor thank God for his wife’s safety and tell her in the same breath how much he loves her.”
Rider watched as Willa stroked her husband’s cheek at Jo’s description of what Lucky had done.
“A love that, when Shade saw Lily, his first instinct was to place his body in front of hers so she wouldn’t get hurt.”
Rider’s eyes slid from Willa to Shade and Lily. She was crying into Shade’s shoulder as he clutched her tightly to him.
Slow tears coursed down Jo’s cheeks as she unashamedly forced him to see what made the relationships he had tried to analyze and pin down as to what would make theirs successful and why his hadn’t been was love. It had a lump rising in his throat.
Love couldn’t be explained, nor was it something you could lay out to measure the depths or the lengths one would go for the person they loved.
“Killyama and Winter weren’t even there last night, but I bet Viper and Train made
sure their wives didn’t go to sleep without telling them how much they loved them.”
Rider could tell from Winter’s expression at the table and from Killyama, who was sitting in the family room on the couch with Train, that they had.
“That’s the love you’re wanting, and that’s the love you’re letting walk out the door.” Jo wiped her tears away, then spun to the side, going for the back door.
“Don’t go.” The voice that came out of his throat wasn’t one he recognized.
Jo grabbed the doorknob, her forehead dropping helplessly to the door as if she was physically and mentally struggling with whether to go or stay.
He saw her slumped shoulders straighten as she turned her head to look back at him.
“Don’t worry; you won’t miss me. You have enough condoms in the top drawer of your dresser to make sure you won’t be lonely. Of course, you’ll have to untangle the necklace that’s mixed in with them first.”
Rider winced, prepared for another blow.
“You certainly won’t miss my cooking or having me forget to buy your favorite cereal. You know what’s really whacked?”
“What?” he croaked out.
“I love you, and it’s killing me to walk out this door. And in a month, I’ll feel the same way. In a year, I will still feel the same way. I’ll feel the same way forever and ever because that’s the type of person I am, while you’re the type of person who’s letting me go. Just like you almost let Jewell go. And if you’re not careful, you’ll lose Gavin, too.” Jo wiped her tears away, then opened the door and walked out, letting the door close itself behind her.
When she was gone, Rider turned back to the room, his eyes falling on the cereal boxes. Without thought, he struck out, sending the boxes flying. Cereal scattered throughout the kitchen.
“That’s going to be a hell of a mess to clean up.” Shade reached around Lily to spoon out the cereal in his coffee.
“I’ve seen worse.” Willa started to get up, but Rider stopped her.
“I’ll do it.”
As he went to the pantry for the broom and dustpan, he stepped on cereal every step of the way, listening to the same sounds as he returned. Everyone remained seated as he swept.
“Rider …” Lily’s soft whisper had him raising his head, exposing the expression on his face. “Go after her.”
“I can’t … I don’t deserve her.”
“The man who saved us last night deserves a woman like that,” Shade said, picking a purple Fruit Loop out of Clint’s hair.
“The Rider I know, who caught Ema sneaking outside when I was taking a nap, deserves Jo,” Rachel said, coming from the dining room with Cash.
“The man who saved Viper’s and my sanity when Aisha had colic by singing ‘This Is The Way Ladies Ride’ until I didn’t know which was worse—the colic or Rider singing that song—deserves Jo.”
“The song,” Viper said, raising Winter’s hand to his lips.
“The man who saved countless lives during your time in the service, letting others take the medals you earned, deserves a woman like Jo.” Train rose from the couch, as the other men stood showing a respect that was worth more to him than a million medals.
“Personally, I think he deserves a woman like Jo because she’s the only one of you bitches who saw through that mother”—Killyama paused, when the men sat back down except for Gavin, picking a blue crunch berry off the cushion behind Train’s shoulder and putting it in her mouth while looking at John’s wide-mouthed expression—“bleeper.”
Rider finished sweeping the cereal into a pile. He was about to bend down when Gavin took the dustpan from him.
He positioned it so Rider could sweep them onto it, saying, “No other man deserves to find love more than you. You’ve paid for defending our country in a way few men would have the courage to do. And if that wasn’t enough, it demanded more when you got out. It’s time to cut the ties that have been binding you all these years. You’ve sacrificed enough … It’s time for you to live and fight one last battle for yourself.”
Rider’s face clouded. The happy-go-lucky man who always wore a grin or a flirtatious smile was now gone, and they were able to catch a glimpse of the despair behind the disguise he had lived with so long that he didn’t know which parts of his persona were real and which were fake.
“What if I lose?” He didn’t think he could live through another broken heart.
Gavin went to the trash can. Stepping on the peddle, he threw the pieces of cereal away. Then he let the can close with a snap.
“You kidding me, brother? You don’t know how to lose. You’re a legend.”
44
Jo ran a clean shop rag over Cash’s motorcycle. She wanted it to look shiny and brand spanking new … Well, maybe not too new, but enough to make him pleased with her work.
She was about to start work on Razer’s bike when she looked up from draining the oil to see Rider standing in the doorway of the garage.
“If you’re here to pick up Cash’s bike, get it and go. If you’re here to get some work done on one of your cars or bikes, fill out a work order on the workbench, then go,” she said matter-of-factly.
“I’d like to talk. Cash said you’ve been staying at the hospital with Mag for the last week and staying with them at night. Moon and I were the ones who cleaned your house after—”
“That wasn’t one of the options I gave you.” She carried the dirty oil she had dumped into the oil drum to the back of the garage, hoping he would be gone when she came back to the front.
“If you don’t want to talk, then I hope you will at least listen to what I have to say.”
Frustrated that he was going to give her the “let’s be friends talk,” she was tempted to go inside her house until he left. Only the fact that she worked for The Last Riders and it was inevitable that they would see each other around town had her giving in.
“Go ahead, Rider. Say what you want to get off your chest.”
“Thank you.” Rider shoved his hands into his jacket pockets. “I want to be able to say you’re wrong about me, but I can’t. You were right in what you said about me. I wanted you to fall in love with me, while I had no intention of doing the same with you. I’m a selfish bastard.”
“So far, you’re wasting my time. You aren’t saying anything I don’t already know.”
“Did you mean it when you said forever and ever?”
“Yes, Rider, I meant it. Jesus, why’d you come here? To take what pride I have left?”
“No. I came here to tell you that, if you really mean it, then I’m in.”
“What the hell does that mean?” Jo’s eyes widened as she tried to understand what he wanted from her.
“It means that I never gave you a real chance to fall in love with you. I’m ready give you a chance.”
Her hands went to her hips. “You are un-fucking-believable. You’re going to give me a chance? You narcissistic a-hole, you can take your chance and give it to another woman. I don’t want it.”
“You said you love me,” he stated simply.
Jo frowned. “I do.”
“If I had cancer, would you love me?”
“You don’t have cancer.” She narrowed her eyes.
“No, but if I did, would you love me?”
“Yes.”
“If I couldn’t have children, would you still love me?”
“Yes.”
“I’m an a-hole. Can you love me despite that?”
He was not going to make her laugh, nor was he going to talk himself back into her life.
“I won’t be my father. You’re too good at turning things around to benefit yourself. I’ll never be able to trust that you’re showing me the real you.”
“I know, but I can prove to you that I can be the man you feel you’re in love with. If I can do that, will you give me another chance? Give us both another chance? Please? Isn’t finding forever and ever worth one more try?”
Jo made a sweeping gestur
e with her hand. “Fine, go ahead and prove it. If you can, then yes, I’ll give you another chance. But I’m warning you now, I threw that perfume away.”
Rider gave her a boyish grin and started toward her as if he was going to hug her.
“Red.” She gave him a firm nod. “You haven’t proven a damn thing yet.”
“Okay.” He stopped in his tracks. “That’s cool. I didn’t expect you to agree.” Rider ran a hand through his hair. “I have to go back to the club to pack, and I need to get Jewell and Shade to cover my shifts.” He looked down at his watch. “I’ll make reservations and be back in an hour. Does that give you enough time to pack?”
“Pack? I’m not going anywhere.”
Rider frowned. “You have to see the proof.”
“You can tell me about it; you don’t have to show me.” She should have listened to her first instinct and gone into her house, locking herself inside until he left.
“Please, Jo, I’m going to show you the most beautiful place on earth, or at least, I think it is.”
It was the self-depreciating laugh that had her reconsidering going. That he was showing a vulnerability she hadn’t known existed in him. That he wanted her to think that the place he was going to show her was as beautiful as he did.
Rider being vulnerable left her defenseless at telling him no.
“I’ll go pack.” Jo locked the garage as he was leaving.
I should have gone inside the house, she repeated the refrain for the third time.
Rider was too hard for any woman to resist, and she was no exception. She was already seeing the hard, rocky road ahead of her to achieve her forever and ever.
Jo kicked a large rock out of her way. “Next time I break up with him, I’ll go inside the fucking house.”
He was right; Texas was the most beautiful place on earth. It wasn’t because of the gorgeous house that had stunned her when Rider had driven up the driveway, nor was it the sight she saw while sitting on the top rung of the fence—she could easily see ahead of her for miles. No, it was seeing Rider riding hell-bent for leather, chasing after a calf that had successfully wandered away from its mother.
