by Amy Lamont
“Sweetheart!” Both Mandy and the woman next to her turned at the booming male voice coming from behind them. Disappointment coursed through Mandy when it turned out the male in question belonged to the other woman. The tall, broad man swept the woman into his arms and kissed her breathless.
She couldn’t help but wonder if that could have been her and Mitch in another twenty years if she hadn’t blown him off.
Was it just a moment of panic? God knew breaking things off with him hadn’t helped her worry any less about him. If anything, she kicked herself for not taking more of an interest in his life. Her flat-out refusal to meet his closest friends because of their connection to the military meant she didn’t even have someone she could call to find out if Mitch was okay.
At least she could count on him getting in touch with Grandma as soon as he returned. He might hate Mandy now, but she could depend on his loyalty to the woman he considered his own family.
But how long would it be before she could expect him back?
“Bye now.”
She shook off her thoughts in time to wave to the woman and her husband. The man pulled an oversized suitcase with one hand while the other firmly clasped one of his wife’s hands.
“Bye.” Mandy gave a small wave and watched them walk off. She’d given up on Mitch because she thought it would make the panic go away. But now, not only did she still have the gnawing anxiety, but as the couple disappeared out the automatic doors, she couldn’t help but wonder what else she’d given up.
The woman and her strange comment were still on Mandy’s mind as she pulled her black and white polka-dot suitcase behind her into the blast of heat from the unseasonably hot New York day. She scooted down the sidewalk toward the taxi stand.
“Where you going?” The cab driver turned in his seat to look at her.
Ghost over your grave. The thought kept drifting through her mind.
“Ma’am?”
She shook her head and started to give the cabbie the address of her Brooklyn apartment. Instead she heard herself directing him to a military cemetery much farther away on Long Island’s east end.
“Lady, you sure you want to go that far? That’s a hike.”
“I’m sure.” She settled back against the ripped vinyl seat, suddenly impatient to get to there.
* * *
The cab driver wasn’t kidding. They didn’t pull into the military cemetery for almost an hour and a half. When they arrived, she realized she had no idea where to go. She’d only been here the day he was buried, and directions were the last thing on her mind that day.
The cabbie took pity on her and together they located the main office. Another half an hour later and she made her way through headstones before she found the spot she was looking for.
She put her hand on the cold marble then knelt in front of the stone, tracing one finger over the letters. Her hand slid down and patted the earth in front of it.
“Hi, Will.” She lowered herself the rest of the way down until she sat cross-legged on his grave. She wiggled her fingers in the freshly mown grass beneath her and noted the fresh flowers in the small vase next to his headstone. “Guess I’m not your only visitor.”
She looked up, wondering at the warm sky and bright shining sun. “I always thought the world should stop when I found out you were gone.”
She watched an ant work its way up one corner of the stone. Was it like climbing Mt. Everest to the ant? As her gaze followed its path up and over the top, her tears started, blurring her vision until she couldn’t separate the ant from the marble any longer.
She dug in her purse for a wad of tissues and wiped her face several times before taking a shuddering breath. “I’m sorry I haven’t come sooner. I…I just couldn’t.”
She shook her head and swiped the tissues under her nose. “And now I’m here because of another man. I just don’t know what to do, Will.”
Mandy pulled her knees up and laid a cheek on them. “As silly as it sounds, I wish you were here to tell me what to do. You always said the exact right thing.”
Her eyes squeezed shut. For a few long moments, she concentrated on the scents and sounds around her. A car drove slowly down the road that meandered through the cemetery. Bird cries came from a stand of trees. The sun beat down on her back. And a breeze played with her hair, carrying a few long strands to cover her face.
Fight, baby.
Mandy’s eyes popped open. She swiveled her head back and forth to make sure she remained alone. No one else appeared.
Had she heard that? She stared hard at the headstone in front of her before resting her chin back on her knees. “That sounded like something you would say.”
She shook her head and wiped a few more tears with the back of her hand. “God, you would hate me like this. Giving up before things got good because I’m afraid. Sitting here crying when I should be getting ready for Mitch to come home.”
She bit down hard on her lower lip, as if that could stop the words that wanted to tumble from her lips.
“I…I think I’m in love with him,” she whispered. “Part of me wants to apologize for admitting something like that to you. But the other part knows there’s no one else in the world I could spill all this to. I just wish you could tell me what to do. Couldn’t you just give me some kind of sign and tell me what I’m supposed to do about Mitch?”
She reached forward and trailed her fingers once more over the cold stone. She pulled in a shuddering breath. “I miss you. And as weird as this sounds, I think you would really like Mitch.”
Her eyes drifted closed once more and behind the lids she had a clear picture of Mitch in her mind’s eye. She pictured him as she last saw him before he got called for the mission. He smiled down at her, propped up on one elbow right after they’d made love. The smile was just as much in his eyes as on his lips. He’d been happy. And it had thrilled her to know she was the cause of it.
But could she live with the panic attacks every time he left the house to go to work? She’d thought her feelings for him meant he was worth the risk, but the anxiety that grabbed hold of her heart and squeezed when she knew he might be in danger told a different story.
She caressed the cold stone as if she were caressing Will’s face, and the words filled her head one more time. Fight, baby.
* * *
Standing on the sidewalk in front of her shop, Mandy examined the new awning. For the first time in days, a small bubble of happiness floated up inside her. Her almost forgotten dream was coming true. She hugged herself at the words scrawled across the awning, Sweet Dreams Patisserie, and all but danced on the sidewalk.
“Hey, lady, looks like you’re about ready to open for business.”
Mandy turned to see Hal, and a big grin lit her face. “I was just out here admiring my awning. I think I may get black and blue from the number of times I’ve pinched myself.”
Hal laughed and threw an arm over Mandy’s shoulders, and the two stood there for a few long moments just staring up at the sign.
“So, you going to offer me a cup of coffee or what?” Hall asked finally.
They looked at each other and broke into a round of giggles. “Hal, would you like to come in for some coffee? Oh, and some chocolate croissants? I’ve been testing the new ovens.”
“Mmm, we’re drooling already.” Hal patted her belly affectionately. “Count us in. But can we make it decaf?”
It didn’t take them long to settle at the small table in the window. Mandy was starting to think of it as “their” table. She hugged herself in pleasure when Hal moaned around her pastry. How could she have forgotten how much she loved feeding people?
“You seem like a huge weight has been lifted from you since the last time we chatted,” Mandy said. “Is it safe to assume you’ve gotten some good news?”
A Mona Lisa smile touched Hal’s lips, and she rubbed small circles over her baby bump. “No news.”
“Oh, sorry, I guess I just thought….”
&n
bsp; “It’s okay. And actually, there won’t be any news. At least until the baby is born.”
“Were the tests inconclusive?” Mandy asked.
“We didn’t go through with the tests.”
Mandy wrinkled her forehead. “I don’t understand.”
“We decided not to have any more tests,” Hal said. “Joe and I realized it didn’t matter what the tests said. Neither one of us wanted to terminate the pregnancy if it turned out the baby has Down syndrome.”
Mandy sipped her cappuccino and nodded.
Hal shrugged. “Once we’d said that part out loud, we realized we just wanted to go back to how we were before the doctor told us he was concerned. We just want to be happy and excited for the baby.”
Mandy reached across the table to grab Hal’s hand. “Of course you do. You deserve it.”
Hal nodded. “We do. And so does the baby. It’s not like we’re going to love her any less if she has Down syndrome. Whatever health issues she might come with, she’s well worth the risk. Once we realized we both really love her no matter what, things got very simple. We’re not going to invite worry and heartbreak in. We’re just going to enjoy every moment of this pregnancy. We’ve got this.”
Mandy’s breath left her in a whoosh and tears filled her eyes. Her hands came up to her chest.
“Are you okay?” Hal jumped up as fast as her belly allowed and gripped both of Mandy’s hands tightly.
Mandy nodded, but couldn’t get enough breath in to form words.
Hal rubbed her hand up and down Mandy’s back. “Just breathe, sweetie.”
Mandy finally managed to suck in a big breath. Her burning lungs filled and she swiped her cheeks to erase any sign of tears.
“Okay?” Hal asked once Mandy’s breathing evened out.
“Sorry,” Mandy said sheepishly. “Just a teeny tiny anxiety attack.”
“Oh, sweetie, was it me talking about the baby?”
“No! Not at all.” Mandy looked down at the table. “What you said just hit me hard. I’d already started thinking I made the wrong decision.”
Hal took her seat again. “Tell me everything.”
And Mandy did. She didn’t skip a detail, even filling her in on the conversation she had at Will’s grave.
“So what brought on the panic attack today?” Hal asked.
“What you said about making the choice to live in the moment. It reminded me of something Will always said. Any time I was upset about something or felt overwhelmed, Will always said exactly what you just said—we got this. It never failed to calm me down.” A tremulous smile touched her lips as she thought of Will’s favorite mantra. He believed with all his heart there was nothing they couldn’t get through together.
“Your sign.”
Mandy nodded. “But how do you ignore it? How do you forget that the worst can happen at any moment?”
“You choose, sweetie. I don’t forget that this baby might have Down syndrome. But I accept it’s out of my control and decide to be happy anyway. Hell, what’s in our control? Mitch could leave the military tomorrow and get struck by lightning the next day.”
“Logically, I know. But my head and my heart are having a difference of opinion dealing with this.”
Hal smiled ruefully. “Well, ask yourself this—do you feel better now that you broke up with him? Does it make you worry less? Wonder less if the worst has happened?”
Mandy huffed a small laugh. “Judging by the panic attack I just had, I would have to say no. I’m definitely not worrying any less.”
Hal’s hands turned over in a “there you go” gesture.
“But maybe if we stay apart, as time goes on, and I don’t know for sure what he’s doing, the worry will go away,” Mandy said.
“So you’ll never run into Mitch again? You’ll never be tempted to ask Miss Abigail about him?”
Hal had a point. Mandy groaned, shaking her head. “I’m an idiot. I’m going to spend the rest of my life wondering about him. Worrying about him.”
“And all you’re doing is borrowing trouble.” Hal patted her belly. “Take it from me. The only way you can be happy is to live in the moment. And right this moment, there’s nothing wrong. Mitch is safe, I’m about to welcome a new life into the world, your business, your dream is about to launch.” Hal turned a gentle smile on Mandy. “We got this.”
Mandy gave a tearful laugh, and thought about everything good in her life right now—with the exception of missing Mitch so much it hurt.
“And if you give up on Mitch because something bad might happen, what’s next?” Hal demanded. “You could give up this place before you have one customer because it might not succeed. You can stop working on your grandmother’s house because she might not live long enough to enjoy it. How many things can you quit because things might not go exactly as you planned?”
Tears streamed down Mandy’s face. Hal’s passionate outpouring touched a nerve. Her feelings for Mitch were stronger than any she had for her business or fixing up a house. How could she just walk away from that?
“And, sweetie, I’m not asking this to hurt you, but I think the answer will help you decide your next move.” She took a breath and gripped Mandy’s hand firmly in her own. “If you could go back and do it all again with Will, knowing how things would turn out, would you?”
Mandy’s face fell into her palms and her body shook with the effort to hold back sobs. Her mind went over Hal’s question again and again.
Hal jumped from her seat and hugged Mandy tightly. Mandy couldn’t help but giggle through her tears when she felt a gentle nudge from Hal’s belly.
“I think your offspring has an opinion about this, too.” Mandy looked up and smiled at Hal through her tears.
Hal laughed and brought a hand down to her stomach. “She seems to have an opinion on everything.”
“She? Did you find out?”
Hal shook her head. “No, we decided to wait to find out. But it’s just a gut feeling. People kept calling the baby ‘it,’ and it drove me crazy. Of course, Joe thinks she’s a he.”
Mandy’s heart sank into her belly for just a heartbeat. Hal was secure in her relationship with a baby on the way. Mandy had thought she’d have that with Will. And since then there’d only been one person she could imagine sharing her life with, making babies with. And she’d dumped him because she was scared.
She gave Hal a quick hug. “I’m so happy for you. But I have to admit, I’m a little jealous.”
Hal laughed out loud. “Girl, you have no reason to be jealous. I don’t have anything you can’t have, too. If you can just focus on what is happening instead of what might happen.”
* * *
Hal’s words still danced in Mandy’s head when she pulled up to her grandmother’s house that evening. She stepped out of the old Jeep, and for the first time since the day she arrived, she took a good look at the house.
She smiled. Her shock at the cottage’s ramshackle appearance faded, replaced by a little bit of awe.
The overgrown gardens were now well defined with a riot of colors peeking out. Gone was the sagging porch. Instead it looked fresh and new with even boards and a bright white coat of paint.
“Admiring your work?”
Mandy turned at the voice. Her grandmother walked around from the side of the house, pulling a pair of gardening gloves off. Mandy had set up a bench in the back where her grandmother could repot plants and flowers without having to bend or kneel on the ground, and her grandmother usually spent an hour or so of the cooler evening hours back there.
“I am. I can’t believe how much work we’ve done in such a short time.”
“You and Mitch are a good team.”
A sharp twinge hit Mandy’s heart at her grandmother’s words. She and Mitch had worked well together.
Her grandmother rubbed a brisk hand up and down Mandy’s arm. “What’s going on with you?”
Mandy huffed out a breath then had to laugh. “I think I’m sick of heari
ng myself whine about Mitch.”
Her grandmother laughed. “You’re not whining. You’re just trying to get it all worked out in your mind.”
“It just seems impossible.”
Her grandmother put her arm over her shoulders. “Give it one more shot. What’s the problem?”
“My head wants Mitch. It knows all the logical reasons I should take the risk on Mitch. And I want to, I really do. But,” she paused to pull in a shaky breath, “my heart wants to stop beating at the thought of anything happening to him. I literally can’t breathe. How can I stand by him when I can’t breathe?”
Grandma Abigail gave her an affectionate squeeze and pulled her by the hand to sit next to her on the rockers on the freshly painted porch.
Once they were settled in, her grandmother took her hand. “You know, I broke up with your grandfather once. It was right after we got engaged.”
Mandy stared, wide-eyed, at her grandmother. “I never heard about that.”
“I don’t talk about it much. Feels like the worst thing I ever did.”
It was Mandy’s turn to squeeze her grandmother’s hand. “What happened?”
“One of his best buddies, a guy he’d been with through boot camp and a few other scary situations, was killed in action.” She shook her head. “The next time your grandfather had to leave home for an extended time, I couldn’t handle it. All I could think about was his friend who died. So I broke things off and sent him off with a broken heart.”
Mandy gasped, imagining her grandfather, the man who had doted on her grandmother like a hero from a romance novel, having to keep his head in combat after being rejected by the woman he was so crazy about. “How did you fix it?”
“It wasn’t easy.” Abigail looked straight out with a gaze obviously fixed on the film playing for her mind’s eye. “He was injured.”
“Oh my God.” Mandy’s hand went to her heart. Her worst fear was getting the news something had happened to Mitch.
Her grandmother turned back to Mandy with a nostalgic smile. “He’d been far enough away from an explosion to avoid serious harm, but he took some shrapnel to his leg. I didn’t even hear about it until he was back home. But all I could think was that it was my fault.”
