by Ruby Rowe
We stare at each other, our lips closer than they should be. She must realize it, too, since she turns her head forward.
“Ugh. I guess this means I have to spend time with you when you’re so crippled and needy right now.”
“Hey, watch it. I’m getting better every day, and if I recall, I could pin you down in a hot second.”
Clearing her throat, she looks back at me.
“Are you still wanting to spend time with me, or has the narcotic fog dissipated and you’ve come to your senses?”
I stare at her full lips, and fuck, I want to kiss them.
“Yeah, I still want to spend time with you.” I sigh. “As much time as you’ll give me.”
“My analytical brain must’ve gone on vacation since I’m choosing to follow my stupid heart instead. She never learns, especially when it comes to you.”
“I’ll try not to hurt her this time.”
“I’m going to go, but I’ll be back.”
“When?”
“After you and Sailor have your heart-to-heart. Call me then.” Kissing my cheek, she climbs off the bed, and it looks like she’s leaving without a backward glance.
“Wait. How do you know we haven’t had the talk?”
She looks over her shoulder. “Because I know you, Elliott Roberts. You would’ve kissed me in your rockin’ bed if you had.”
Blushing, I grin. “Touché.”
Sailor
As soon as I open the door, I hear Elliott yelling. Actually, it’s more like a ferocious growl. I drop my purse and run to Jake’s room. Elliott’s in sweats and a t-shirt, enraged as he stands next to the bed.
“Hi, what’s wrong?”
“Get out.”
“No, I will not.” I fist my hips. “You’ve come a long way with opening up, but you continue to be hateful and shut people out when you’re angry. That’s when you need someone the most, so stop it. I know that’s not the person you want to be.”
He groans. “I’m fucking trying, Sailor, but I’m sick of being an invalid. I got my staples out today, and I’m in worse pain than before.”
“That will pass. Why is your mom not here with you?”
“I sent her home. I imagine she was more than happy to leave after going to the doctor with me.” Climbing into bed, he takes a deep breath, and I can tell it hurts him.
“The lymph nodes were malignant, so I have to do a round of chemo, which means I’m only going to get weaker, and I’ll have to be off work longer.”
“We knew this was possible. What about the margins?”
“Negative.”
“That’s excellent news, so focus on the positive, and imagine this fall, when you’ll be so much better and have a beautiful baby to keep you up at night after you’ve worked a forty-eight-hour shift.”
He doesn’t want to smile, but he can’t help it.
“It’s been two weeks since my surgery, and I’m still struggling to breathe. The respiratory therapist said it’s normal, but he also said I may never be able to exert myself to the degree I did before I had cancer.”
I walk over and sit on the end of the bed, facing him.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’ve seen your pain, and if there was a way I could take it from you, I would.”
“Fuck, don’t say that.”
“Why?”
“It makes me feel like shit for what I need to tell you.”
“Did I do something wrong?”
“No, but I almost wish you had.”
“I agree that we need to talk. You first.”
Adjusting his side of the bed to sit up straighter, he leans his head back.
“This is so hard to say to you. I don’t know how we got to this place when I never would’ve believed it at the beginning of the year.”
“Things were perfect between us then. That’s what you’re thinking, right?”
“Yeah.”
“But then you saw Nicole, and I bet it was like seeing her through different eyes.”
He lifts his head up and stares at me. “How did you know?”
“I know because you’re a different person now than when you dated her before.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for it to happen. I swore I wouldn’t hurt you again, and I promised to give you everything you ever wanted.”
“You gave me the most important thing I wanted … Payton.” Biting the inside of my cheek, I struggle to look at him. “I have something difficult to say, as well. I’ve come to realize that I only want to be in a relationship with Jake.”
“Seriously?” He pats the empty space next to him, so I crawl to it and sit facing him with my legs crossed. “I kind of wondered if this day would come,” he adds.
“Why?”
“You seem happier when he’s near. A light shines in your eyes that I don’t see when it’s only you and me. We have fun together, and the chemistry’s there, but Jake’s … what’s the right word? He’s warm-hearted, you know? He’s like you.”
Elliott grips my knee, and my tears begin to form from how sweet he’s being, but mostly from how right he is. Feeling relief, but also sadness, I cover my face and weep.
“I loved you first.”
“Baby, I know.” He pulls my hands down and holds them. “But you were always meant to love him last.”
“I think you needed to love me to heal, and I needed to love you to forgive,” I say. “It was the only way we’d ever trust again.”
“You taught me how to love, Sailor Girl, and I’ll never forget it.”
I sob, and the tears skip down my cheeks. He brushes them away with his thumbs, and I see the ones forming in his shimmering eyes. He cups my face, and pressing his lips to my head, he leaves them there.
We share this moment, the seconds ticking by, because letting go of a past that defined us for over a decade isn’t an easy thing to do. We’ll always love each other. I have no doubt, but it’s time for us to admit we’re no longer in love.
“I’m grateful this baby is yours,” I murmur.
“I thought you’d want her to be Jake’s now.”
“No, having Payton links you and me forever, and that makes me happy. I’ll always want you in my life.”
“It makes me happy, too.”
I dry my eyes. “So, what do we do from here?”
“I’m not sure. I guess I first need to fight for Nicole while I fight for my life. I’m asking for her to take on so much: my sickness, along with the baby.” He glances toward the window. “Look, I’ll understand if you and Jake want to move out.”
“No. We want to stay right here while you’re recovering. If you don’t mind, we might even stay until after the baby’s born. I don’t want either of us to be away from her while she’s little. I guess we have a lot to figure out, but it doesn’t have to be sorted today.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“You, Jake, Nicole and me … we’ll get through this year together. Hell, maybe we’ll get through life together, too.”
Elliott cradles my head again and kisses my forehead.
“You may not believe it, but you’ll always be my anchor. I wouldn’t be who I am if it weren’t for you.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Elliott
I watch Jake drive off, the afternoon sun creating a beam of light on his back window. Noticing I’m stalling, I turn around and ring Nicole’s doorbell. I want to do this, but I’m nervous.
She answers with round eyes and glances out at the road.
“Hi. How did you get here?”
“Jake dropped me off, but are you going to let me in?” I grin.
“Of course.” She steps aside, and I walk down her hallway to the living room. Mindful of my chest, I sit down on her sofa carefully. “It’s nice to see you looking better and on your feet.”
“Yeah, I’m happy to be out of the condo. I needed some fresh air.” She sits close and faces me. “Mainly, I wanted to see you. Sailor and I t
alked a couple of days ago.”
“How did that go?”
“It was difficult, but we were also relieved. We found the closure we’ve been needing for some time now.”
“What does that mean exactly?”
I reach over to lace my hand with hers. “I told her I want to be in a relationship with you, and she told me she only wants to be in one with Jake.”
“Wow. You two really opened up to each other.”
“I’ve been reminded by my illness that life can end at any moment. I don’t know if that will happen to me in a month, or fifty years from now, but I want you by my side every minute I have left.”
“I’ve wanted to hear that for so long, but I’m afraid to believe it’s true.” She pushes a stray strand of hair back into her ponytail.
“I can understand why you’d feel that way, and it’s the reason I came over. I thought there was a better chance of you seeing and feeling the truth from me if we talked in person. I love you. I loved you when we were dating before, but back then, I couldn’t recognize it since I didn’t even like myself.
“I told you about my past: Rebecca’s death, letting Sailor take the blame and then abandoning her. I hated myself for it, and I pushed away anyone who threatened my self-punishment.
“I didn’t think I deserved your love, whereas I think I was desperate to be with Sailor because subconsciously, I wanted redemption, and I knew she was my only hope of getting it.”
Nodding slowly, Nicole looks at our entwined hands.
“That makes sense.”
“I mean every word, Nicole. When you walked away from me at the hospital, when your mom was sick, it felt like I was losing something. I think it’s why I asked you to the party and why I came here when I was sick. Being with Sailor helped me heal, and I could finally feel what you and I shared and all I had taken for granted.”
Scooting closer to her, I cup her cheek. “I know my life’s a train wreck right now. I have to start chemo, and I’m having a baby. I understand if you need to take it slow, but I hope you won’t say no to dating me.”
“My stupid, stupid heart. You’re the only man it’s ever loved.”
“Does that mean you still love me?”
“Yes,” she murmurs. Exhaling, I shove one of the last bricks off my chest and smile.
“I know how to be the man you deserve, and I look forward to showing you.”
She presses her lips against mine, and I come alive. Instead of agonizing pain, I feel euphoria, my nerve endings finally playing on my team.
Moving closer, I clutch her waist and pull the holder out of her hair. My fingers slide through her soft curls, and she whimpers into my mouth. Even if I could fool around with her right now, I wouldn’t do it. Nicole needs to see that I want her for more than sex.
I massage her scalp and graze my thumb up and down her waist while I kiss her methodically, recalling what I once threw away. I won’t make that mistake twice.
My lungs interfere, so I let her go to take some breaths.
“It’s going to be a while before I’m the strong man you remember.”
“You’ve shown me your strength the last two months. You’re fighting for your life and love … and for your unborn child. I want to be by your side, too, Elliott. I love you.”
Jake
One Month Later
“Are you ready to lose that bet?” I ask Elliott as we FaceTime. I’m smiling at him from the obstetrician’s office because today’s the day we find out the gender of the baby.
Nicole’s face appears on the screen. “Hi, Jake and Sailor. This is so exciting.”
“Hey, girl. OK, the technician is getting her wand ready. I look at Elliott again. It’s awesome to see that smile on his face when he’s feeling so damn rough.
Due to weakness, and his system being susceptible to infection, he had to stay home today. The chemotherapy’s been hard on him, but he should begin feeling better soon.
“I’m going to show you Sailor’s belly now.”
“They don’t need to see that. Show them the ultrasound screen,” she says.
“OK, OK. I’m going to show you two the baby now. You need to be watching when this nice lady named Gwen points to body parts on the screen.”
The technician laughs, but I don’t mind. She likely thinks we’re a bunch of freaks, anyway. I mean, our situation is an odd one.
“OK, do you want to know the gender of the baby?” she asks.
“Hell, yeah. The winner has to buy a new, top-of-the-line car seat for the passenger van we’re buying. It’s going to hold a class of preschoolers before you know it, especially since Elliott froze a load before he started chemo.”
Nicole and Elliott laugh as Sailor reaches up to slap my arm.
“Chill, so Gwen can focus.”
“Sorry, I’m excited.”
“OK,” Gwen chimes, “it appears your gang is having a girl.”
“Yes!” I yell before turning the phone to give Elliott a shit-eating grin. “Daddy, it’s Payton with an A, but don’t fret; I’ll be right by your side, helping you kick Atticus’ ass.”
“Who is this Atticus you’re always mentioning?” Sailor asks.
“I cannot say in front of Gwen. It would require the use of many vulgar words. All that matters is that Elliott and I are going to protect Payton, along with the rest of our kids. It takes a village, right?”
“It does,” Elliott says as he pulls Nicole close and into view, “and I think ours is pretty amazing.”
EPILOGUE
Sailor
Seventeen Weeks Later
“We were supposed to have two more weeks,” I say between strangled breaths. “It’s only August 30th.”
“Look at the bright side. We get two less weeks of you being miserable and grouchy, and from what I’ve gathered, babies don’t always do what we want,” Elliott says.
“This isn’t the time for you to get smart with me, and I’m going to tell you right now that just because you’re back in scrubs, and in your hospital, you don’t have the right to boss me through this.”
Stopping the lady pushing the wheelchair, Elliott bends down in front of me.
“Can you at least wait until you’re in the delivery room to be pissed at me?”
“No, I can’t since I’m already in excruciating pain from your baby.” I glance around. “When’s Nicole getting here? And Where’s Jake?”
“Nicole’s on her way, and Jake’s parking the car, remember? I texted him that you were headed to Labor and Delivery.” Elliott clutches my shoulders. “We’ve got this. You’re going to have all three of us right by your side.”
“OK, so what are we waiting for, dammit? I thought I was going to have Payton right in the middle of rush hour traffic.”
He rolls his eyes before standing. The wheelchair begins to move again, and another contraction builds. Why does something as beautiful as childbirth have to be torturous at the same time?
As I change into my gown, I hear Jake’s voice on the other side of the curtain. He and Elliott mumble back and forth, and like everything else right now, it grates on my nerves. I jerk the curtain aside in my spacious, private room and look at them.
“Are you OK?” Jake asks.
“I told you not to ask her that. Of course, she’s not OK. She’s in pain, numbnut.”
Walking over to me like I might be a bomb about to detonate, he wraps his arms around me. His fingers better fucking touch back there, too.
“I’m sorry you have to go through this. Is there anything I can do?”
“Don’t leave me.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
The guys wait in chairs as I get hooked up to several contraptions. I hear our baby’s heartbeat and feel some of the tension leave my body. I needed to know she was OK … that Payton’s heart was still beating.
But, what if something changes when I begin to push? Panic flares up again, so I yell, “Elliott!” He and Jake glance at each other before he rus
hes over.
“What do you need?”
I grab his hand. “Tell me you won’t let anything happen to her when I deliver.”
“Sailor, this isn’t like last time. Payton’s healthy. She’s also a part of me, which means she’s stubborn.” He smiles. “See, I’m almost as good as new now, but unlike me, she’s going to be perfect.”
“OK, but if there’s a problem, I want you to tackle my doctor and nurses with your star quarterback skills, and fix it. Tell me you’ll save her.”
“Babe,” Jake says as he walks up to the other side of the bed, “don’t put that kind of pressure on Elliott. He’ll do all that he can, and you know it.”
I nod fast. “Yeah, I do. I’m sorry. Oh, shit, no I’m not sorry.” I groan as a new contraction makes itself known.
“Hello, Sailor,” Dr. Strouse says, waltzing into the room. “Let’s see how dilated you are.”
The guys return to their chairs and wait while I’m being examined.
“9 cm. If you want an epidural, there may be enough time for you to feel the effects from it.”
“No.” I shake my head. “I want to feel every bit of the need to push so that it doesn’t take longer than it should. I don’t want to risk the cord wrapping around our baby’s neck.”
“I think we should’ve gotten her some counseling before this,” Jake mumbles.
“I heard that,” I say.
“Sailor, I meant it sincerely. Your panic is worrying me.”
Dr. Strouse removes her gloves, washes her hands and walks over to me.
“I believe your baby is going to be fine. Relax as best you can, and I’ll be back once you’re fully dilated.”
“OK, thank you.”
The door swings open, and Nicole barrels inside. Wide-eyed and out of breath, she says, “I’m not too late, am I?”
“No, and I’m glad you’re here,” Elliott says. Dropping her purse on the floor next to him, she plants a quick kiss on his lips and strides over to me.
“Do you need anything?”
“This baby out ASAP.” I give her a once-over. “Oh, and could you drive home and change into something that covers your perfect size six body a little more? That would be great.”
