Sage and I were going to have difficulties. I knew that. Maybe it wouldn’t work out. But other couples had overcome obstacles. Men and women of different races, different religions, different social classes. Of course, the problem with Sage wasn’t our differences, but what we had in common.
We’d just have to talk, when the time was right. It didn’t have to be soon. We could take a couple of weeks to get our thoughts in order, and maybe squeeze in some alone time again. And again and again.
While Sage gathered up her stuff from Laura’s room, I ducked into Brian’s room to say goodbye. The window was open, and he was sitting at his desk reading. He smiled when he saw me.
“Taking off, Logan?”
“Yeah. It was nice to meet you.” We shook hands. In the light, he didn’t look half as scary.
“You too. Hey, you ever play paintball?”
I shook my head.
“Well, if you’re interested, we’ve got a team. Look us up in the fall. It’s a lot of fun.”
I found Laura standing outside her dorm room. She was pacing like she had to pee or something. When she saw me, she glanced over her shoulder.
“Logan!” Her voice cracked; she was agitated.
“What’s wrong?”
She looked back down the hall again and shook her head. “Nothing. It was really good to see you. Come back soon.”
“Hey, we’ll be back in August. Maybe we’ll double date.” I was trying to be accepting of Mike.
Laura suddenly looked glum.
“Are you sure you’re okay? Did Mike do something to you?” ’Cause I can break his head if you want me to.
“Huh? Oh, no. It’s just …” She turned suddenly and noticed Sage coming toward us. Laura took a breath and pasted on a smile. “It’s nothing important. I’ll call you tonight.”
I tried to get her to talk, but she was too busy helping Sage with her bags. I was probably imagining things. Sage tried to thank Laura for her hospitality, but my sister hurried us down the hall. She hugged me in front of her building, then quickly dashed inside.
“Is she okay?” asked Sage.
“Something’s on her mind. Probably that asshole Mike upset her. We’ll talk later.”
“Be nice, Logan. Your sister likes him, which means he’s probably a nice guy.”
I grabbed one of Sage’s bags. She linked her arm in mine, and we walked back to the parking garage.
When we reached her car, she wordlessly allowed me to load her bags. That was my job now. Just like opening the car door or pulling out her chair at a restaurant or remembering our anniversary. There was no point in pretending otherwise.
That night at the movies had been our first date. New Year’s was our first fight, and Tim’s birthday was our first making up. The past week had been my first attempt at second base. And last night …
I’d been Sage’s boyfriend for months now. I’d only just realized it.
chapter twenty-nine
SAGE HAD CHANGED out of her dress and was now wearing jeans and a Mizzou sweater she’d bought earlier. As she climbed into the car and fished through her purse for her keys, I stared at her, thinking about the previous night. That powerful yet soft and smooth back. That ticklish belly. Those strong, freckled arms with the gentle, gentle hands. A dopey grin spread across my face.
Sage noticed my smile and flashed me her braces in return. It was all I could do not to lean over and kiss her.
And then I remembered there was no reason not to.
We made out in the hot parking garage for nearly ten minutes. It wasn’t nearly as passionate as the night before. We found a nice, steady pace and just kissed, something we should have been doing for months now. This felt so natural.
Of course, I wasn’t so starry eyed that I truly believed everything was going to be perfect. Sage was a girl who could never use a public locker room or go skinny-dipping. I couldn’t invite her parents over for a summer barbecue to meet my mom. And just registering for school … how would Sage work out her housing arrangements, her transcripts, her friggin’ library card, when every document with her name on it said male?
As much as I cared about Sage, her sex intruded on every moment. It was like trying to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner with a toothache. And the closer we became, the greater the risk of hurt for both of us.
These dismal thoughts distracted me from what I was doing. I ended up just kind of slobbering on Sage’s lips like Tim devouring an ear of corn. Sage soon realized my mind was elsewhere and pulled away. She draped her arms over my shoulders and looked at me sadly for a moment. I expected her to tell me we could go back to being friends if I wanted, but she just laid her head on my shoulder. I stroked her hair. After what we’d done in Laura’s room, she wasn’t going to offer me an easy out, and I wasn’t going to take it.
Eventually, Sage sat up. Without looking at me, she started the car and executed the complicated back-up to get out of the garage.
It shouldn’t be like this. We’d both lost our virginity the night before. We should be bubbly and excited, not glum. When we got on the highway, I put my hand on Sage’s knee and began to squeeze. Gradually, like the turning of a knob, Sage’s smile broke through. For the rest of the drive, I busied myself by rubbing her neck, tickling her ribs, kissing her cheek, and other perilous, driver-distracting caresses.
When we pulled into my driveway, Sage leaned over to give me a kiss, then stopped to glance around. I put my arm around her neck and pulled her to me. We could make this work. I’d just have a serious talk with her later in the week. Decide where to go from here. I could tell her my fears. We had all summer to make plans, to figure out the future. And maybe repeat some of what we did in Laura’s room. My mom worked a lot, and the no-girls-in-the-trailer rule was apparently not being enforced. And if Sage really did get a single dorm room, then that opened up many interesting options. Perhaps Jack would be the one living alone, at least most nights.
“See you tomorrow,” she said, running her fingers through my hair, deliberately messing it up.
“Maybe you could come by after school. Mom will be at work.” I didn’t mean anything dirty by that. I just thought Sage might want to hang out, watch some TV, and kiss for a few hours. Totally innocent.
Sage shook her head. “We have to be careful, Logan. My parents have no idea who I was with this weekend, and my dad doesn’t trust you.” I must have looked depressed because she quickly continued. “Don’t worry, we’ll have lots of alone time this summer.” She kissed my cheek and drove off, leaning on the horn until all I could see was her dust trail.
I tossed my bag on the living room floor and flopped onto the couch. It was nice out, and I really should have gone and badgered the neighbors about my lawn mowing. Instead, I smiled at the ceiling and remembered the previous night. I was no longer a virgin (kind of). I could finally live up to Tim’s and Jack’s opinions of me. And, I admitted, I could throw this in Brenda’s face, just a little. Make sure she saw me holding hands with Sage at school the next day.
For half an hour, I fantasized about me, Sage, an empty dorm room, and a tub of Cool Whip. I stretched on the couch, half asleep in my stuffy trailer, dreaming about the future. When the phone rang, I almost didn’t bother to answer it.
“Yes?” I accidentally pulled the entire telephone off the side table but was able to talk while lying down.
“Logan?” It was Laura.
“Hey! What’s up?”
“Logan, is Mom home?” There was something in her voice I didn’t like. I remembered how odd she’d acted when I left. What was wrong?
“Mom’s at work.” I sat up. “Laura, is everything okay?”
“Are you alone? Sage isn’t there, is she?”
I was almost panicking now. “Talk to me, Laura.”
There was a long pause. “Sit down, Logan. I have something to tell you.”
I was already sitting. I braced myself. Did this have anything do to with Mike? She said he was a nice guy, but what if
he had a darker side? Maybe they’d had a fight and broken up. Or something worse.
It was worse. But it wasn’t about Laura.
“Logan, this morning Sage went to the bathroom to change her clothes. I had an outfit I wanted her to try on, so I followed her in. She didn’t notice me.”
I nearly hung up the phone right then. I knew what was coming. Maybe if I didn’t listen, maybe if I refused to talk to my sister, I wouldn’t have to face this.
“Logan …,” she continued. There was a long, long silence. “She was in a shower stall undressing. And … are you still there?”
“Ugh.”
“I don’t know how to tell you this. I only just glimpsed her behind the curtain; it wasn’t all the way closed. But I know what I saw. Logan …”
Ten thousand years passed before I could bring myself to say, “Yes?”
“Sage has a penis. She’s really a boy, Logan.”
I sat alone on a tombstone, waiting. Sage approached from the west. The setting sun cast her body into a silhouette and I could only make out her outline. It killed me how feminine she looked. Her curvy figure, her long, wavy hair … even her walk was womanly.
As soon as Laura had dropped the bomb, I’d hung up on her. She’d called right back, but I hadn’t picked up. I’d have to deal with that disaster later. Instead, I’d phoned Sage. Tammi answered. I didn’t ask for Sage, I just left a message to pass on: meet me at Arborville Road Cemetery as soon as possible.
The graveyard was the most abandoned place I could think of. Brenda and I used to go there to look at the stars. More recently, it was where Sage and I had our nasty New Year’s Day confrontation. The day I’d told her I wanted her out of my life forever and that I was sorry we’d ever met. Why hadn’t I just left well enough alone?
Sage passed under the shadow of a gnarled oak, and I could see her features: her red lips, her braces, her many freckles. She had a big goofy grin on her face, and I wondered why. Then I remembered. She was in love.
As she got closer to me, her smile began to falter, then died. I must have had an unpleasant look on my face. She sat opposite me on the wooden rail fence.
“I guess you didn’t call me out here because you wanted a repeat of last night.”
I didn’t meet her eyes. “Sage, Laura knows.”
The sun touched the horizon. It would be dark soon.
“About what?”
I glared at her. “What do you think?”
Sage worked at a splinter in the fence and didn’t reply.
“She saw you in the bathroom! How could you let her find out?” My voice boomed above the crickets that were just beginning to sing. Everything had been so perfect the night before, and then Sage got careless and ruined everything. We almost had something beautiful. Now when I looked at Sage, I didn’t see the girl I wanted to spend the next four years with. I saw the person who made me look like a fag in front of my sister.
She sighed. “I wear a rubber device to hide my … parts. It was killing me earlier. I had to take it off. I was in a shower stall; I thought I was alone.”
The shadows grew longer. In the eastern sky, I could see a few stars.
“Well, you weren’t.” I winced at the thought of what my sister had seen. What Sage kept hidden in those panties.
Sage stood and faced me. “So what did you do?”
“I hung up on her. I don’t know what the fuck I’m going to say when I talk to her again.” My nightmares were coming true. The person I was closest to in the world now knew my darkest secret the very next day! This was worse than anything I’d feared.
Sage leaned nearer but didn’t touch me. “Just tell her the truth.”
It honestly hadn’t occured to me that Sage would suggest that. She took my stunned silence for quiet listening. “Tell her that you already know and we’re happy together.”
I came very close to screaming. Instead, I only bellowed my reply. “Sage, have you lost your goddamned mind? I can’t tell her that!” Did Sage think this was some kind of stupid game? That because of what we’d done, I wanted the world to know?
The last feeble light sank below the horizon. Sage’s face was hidden in the gloom. “She’ll understand. She’s just worried that I’m deceiving you. If you let her know that my—condition—doesn’t bother you, then it won’t bother her, either. I can tell she’s an understanding girl. She won’t judge.” She smiled weakly, then frowned when I didn’t grin back.
Night fell. The only light source was the beacon on a faraway cell phone tower and the yellowish glow from the electronics factory parking lot two miles distant.
“Sage.” My voice was barely a hiss. “I can’t tell my sister I was willingly kissing a guy. She’ll think I’m queer.”
“A guy?” My eyes were adjusting to the darkness. I could see Sage standing there, arms folded. “Last night, when we were naked in bed together, I was all woman. But now that things are rough, I’m a guy again.”
“You know what I mean.” I’d been an ignorant sap, thinking that wishing and hoping could make Sage into a real girl. She was physically a boy, and it was time we stopped pretending.
“No, Logan, I don’t. You can’t just sleep with me, then bail on me because you think you’ll get a little embarrassed.”
“I’d be a lot more than a little embarrassed!” But I’d brought this on myself, hadn’t I? I was aware of the risks. I knew this could happen.
“And you think I wouldn’t be? You think I wanted anyone to know about this? Your sister wanted to be my friend, and now she thinks I’m not honest with you.” Sage’s voice lowered. “Laura’s a nice girl. And if you’re happy, then she’ll be happy. I promise that if you call her and tell her … no, you don’t even have to tell her. Just ask her not to bring it up again. She’ll get the message. She’ll never mention it.”
I stomped on the unkempt grass. Sage was right. Laura was just worried that I was being lied to. If she knew the truth, then she’d be satisfied. My sister was one of the most accepting people in the world. As long as I was happy, she’d treat Sage like a girl.
But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t admit to Laura that the sex of my girlfriend wasn’t important. I couldn’t live with the image of Laura alone in her dorm, thinking, So my big macho brother really likes guys, huh? I never would have guessed.
“I can’t do that.” It wasn’t a refusal, but an admission of weakness.
The wind began to pick up. In the dim light, I could see Sage’s hair whip around her face.
“So it’s over?”
How I wished I had Tim’s eloquence right then. I wanted to fall to the ground, to explain to Sage how I wished to God I could be her white knight, her prince. How I longed for the courage, the self-confidence, the backbone to tell Laura that I loved Sage and she never kept any secrets from me. But I couldn’t do that, didn’t she understand? I was only eighteen! She’d awoken feelings in me that I’d never thought I could experience, not in a million years, and now she expected me to tell the world. I needed beautiful, silvery words to show Sage that I just wasn’t strong enough to do what she was asking. I wasn’t brave enough. Wasn’t man enough.
But that was all a bunch of words. What Sage needed right now was action. She’d trusted me with her heart and given me her body. And I was running away.
“It’s over?” Sage repeated, yelling over the rising wind. “You sleep with me, then dump me the next day?”
I should have tried to make peace. Instead, I was deliberately hurtful, attempting to dull my pain by foisting it onto her. “Hey, I’m not the one who pulled my dick out at Mizzou!”
“Yes, you did. I was there.”
I hung my head, stung. Above us, clouds covered the stars.
“Logan, I know this isn’t what you want. I know you think Laura won’t understand, but she will.” The begging in Sage’s voice was distinct. “It hurts me that I can’t be a real woman for you, but I’m trying. That’s what you do when you care about someone. Can’t yo
u do it for me? Can’t you sacrifice something for me?”
Sage attempted to touch my arm. I pulled away. If I allowed her to touch me, I wasn’t sure I could stand up to her. In the distance, heat lightning silently flashed.
“So that’s the way it is, Logan? I guess it’s all a pervert like me deserves.” She was being sarcastic. Even after everything, I didn’t think she was a pervert. “But if we break up tonight, you’ll regret it. You’ll want me back, and you know what? You won’t be able to have me. Because I’ll be gone. You’ll want me back, and then it’ll be too late. And you’ll just have to sit there and think about what a wonderful thing we had and how you threw it away!”
I turned and leaned on the fence, my back to Sage. After a couple of minutes, I heard her footsteps recede in the distance. As the first drops of warm spring rain began to fall, I stood there in the dark telling myself I’d done the right thing.
I did the right thing.
And maybe, a thousand miles away, my father was looking at a faded picture of a couple of toddlers, telling himself the same thing. And maybe in a month, or a year, or ten years, I’d open a tattered yearbook and say it again.
I did the right thing.
And maybe by then I’d believe it.
chapter thirty
THEY SAY the waiting is the worst part. The dentist, surgery, telling a family member that your girlfriend is really a man … Once you’re through with it, you wonder what you’d been so afraid of.
That wasn’t my case. As I walked home in the drizzling rain, I wondered how I was going to straighten things out with Laura. We’d have to talk about this sooner or later. Or did we?
Laura was staying on campus for the summer. If I avoided talking to her until September and then showed up at Mizzou with no mention of Sage, she’d get the message. Realize that Sage and I had broken up. Believe that Sage was a liar and a drag queen who’d deliberately misled me. Turn Sage into the villain, blame everything on her. I’d look like the victim.
Almost Perfect Page 20
