by Liz Coley
“He’s gone. He won’t be coming back anymore.”
“NO!” She wept and reached for the empty blanket.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “He was too violent, too uncontrolled. He couldn’t stay.”
“But who will find my baby?” she whispered. “Where is my baby?” She rolled the blanket into the sausage shape of an infant and cuddled it to her shoulder.
Oh God. That blanket.
She pressed her face against it, devastated with loss. “I sent the Angel to find my sweet baby.”
Oh merciful God. It wasn’t possible.
“The man took him from my arms.”
“Angie, Angie.” Lynn shook my shoulder. “Can you hear me?” Her voice pulled me back into myself. I fought her, pulling away into the dark again.
“Impossible!” I screamed. Sammy’s blanket.
“Angie, what’s happening? Come back.” Lynn’s command faded away.
Lonely One grabbed my arm with unexpected strength, and a brutal spasm bent me double in agony. Deep, knifelike pain in the gut stole my breath. I twisted and screamed, finding myself on the bed. The bed was slicked with blood, and the tearing pain in my belly went on and on. I gasped for a sip of air. Nothing in my life had ever hurt like this. In front of me, head bowed, white-knuckled hands clenched on my knees, the man said, “Push now. Push hard, my love.” And I pushed and pushed and screamed and felt the pressure shift.
And then a slippery and squalling newborn was in my arms, and the pain fled, and the bliss as I saw the little red face was immeasurable.
“Ah. A boy,” the man said. “Feed him.” He pushed the tiny mouth toward my swollen, aching breasts.
And I rocked and rocked, and cuddled him in his blanket, and fed him and loved him until the day the man said, “This just isn’t working out. You have no more time for me.” And he ripped the bundle out of my arms. My heart shattered like dropped porcelain.
Lonely One released me. The connection broke. The cascade ended. Shock waves pulsed through my skull. The imprint of her grip bruised my arm. I staggered back from the dim room into the doorway.
Lonely One rose to follow me. “I have to come out,” she said. “To find him.”
“No. You can’t,” I gasped. “No more.”
I slammed the door closed. I knew what to do. Anything was possible here. Boards and nails lay waiting right where I needed them. A hammer appeared.
Lynn called, “Angie. Angela. Now.”
“No. Not yet,” I yelled at her. I whacked and whacked at the nails, sealing the door shut with boards. It turned the cabin forlorn and derelict. Gray again. Forbidding. That was fine. I was done with it. As long as Lonely One stayed trapped in there, no one needed to know.
Except me. Because now I knew her secret pain, the ache that made her rock all night with empty arms. And I knew where her baby was. I just had no idea what to do about it.
DETENTION
“WHAT JUST HAPPENED, ANGIE?” LYNN’S AGITATION WAS obvious. Bright spots of red stood out on her cheeks.
I reemerged, back pressed to the wall, arms flung out to the sides, my legs shaking beneath me. Fresh bruises showed on my hands. They ached. I held them up wordlessly, the question written across my face.
“You were pounding the paneling. In a pattern. You refused to wake up for me until you finished the pattern.” She patted her chest above her heart. “Had me a little nervous there, my dear. Are you okay?”
I nodded. Okay now. Lonely One was locked up for as long as I wanted her to be.
For God’s sake! I had a week of exams to get through. Her timing couldn’t be worse. And her secret … I shoved my thoughts away from that as hard as I could. My heart twisted in pain, my stomach with nausea. It had to be a false memory. Please let it be.
Lynn was waiting, watching.
I had to make up an explanation. Something plausible. “I—I was trying to break in, through a window. To the inside of the cabin.” Which was a weird excuse, I thought, as I realized there weren’t any windows in my mental cabin.
“Did you succeed? Did you find what you were looking for?” Lynn asked.
I shook my head.
“That’s a pity,” she said. “Maybe Wednesday?”
Please no. I needed more time. Time to not deal with this, then time to deal with it. “Uh, no. I really need all my time this week to study for exams. I’ve got to do well enough to move up.”
Lynn gave me a more relaxed smile. I’d sold her. I must be one fabulous actress.
“Okay. That’s a fine goal. Moving up.” She made a corny little salute toward the ceiling. “But please, call me if you need to. I’ll be thinking of you.”
I slept like the proverbial dead that night. No midnight rocking, no invasions in my dreams, no more cascading flashbacks. It was such a relief. Now I appreciated how much Lonely One had been draining me, like a vampire in the night.
The sun filtered through my lace curtains, casting a soft shadow of panes across my quilt. I pulled my nightshirt over my head and dropped it on the floor. My hands slid down the smooth skin of my flat, tight belly, up to my small breasts. Impossible to imagine this body had ever done what Mom’s was doing now. Impossible to believe what Lonely One wanted me to believe was real.
All I wanted was to be a normal high school student again, so that’s where I put all my newfound energy. One by one, I aced my exams. Ibuprofen took the edge off my stabbing headaches; warm washcloths helped fade the bruises on my hands and left arm. But having the distraction and a goal to absorb me was the best medicine.
Then the distraction was gone. Exams were done. School was out for two and a half weeks, and I had nothing left to structure my time. I’d already finished my Christmas shopping—books for Mom to read in the waiting room, two ties for Dad in upbeat colors to help his mood, a crystal bud vase for Lynn, earrings for Kate, and a silk scarf for Grandma. She might not ever wear it, but I wanted to go on record as still wanting my grandma.
I had to ask Kate’s advice about a present for Abraim. “Black lace bra,” was her suggestion. “Not his size—yours,” she added, in case I didn’t get her drift.
As casually as possible, I said, “Already did that. Formal night, you know.”
“What! Formal night? First date?” Her eyes were wide. “I underestimated you, girl,” she said. “And him.”
I laughed and confessed to the part about how he’d zipped me back up as fast as he could. “I think I’ll order him a Harvard sweatshirt for luck.”
So Friday morning, my brain alarm woke me at six, even though I could have slept till noon. I lay there wondering what exactly to do with myself, right up to the moment a car rumbled into the driveway. I looked down through my window to see Detective Brogan’s green SUV. My heart lurched, dropping a beat. Why was he here at this crazy hour?
The doorbell rang. Downstairs, heavy feet crossed the entryway to get it.
I waited, foolishly hoping it wouldn’t involve me, but Dad’s voice from the foot of the stairs summoned me. “Angela? Angel, come on downstairs, please.”
Why here? Why now? Was there news, another break in the case?
I dragged on the crumpled pair of jeans from yesterday and zipped a green hoodie over the T-shirt I’d been sleeping in. And then I realized what it must be. A body. DNA evidence. A positive identification. And maybe a cause of death, and maybe my prints on the killing weapon.
Oh, Angel. What did you do? What did you do for us?
Acid gushed up from my stomach. I dashed into the bathroom, spat the sourness out of my mouth, and wiped my sleeve across my face. I struggled to put on a cheerful face as I tiptoed down the stairs. My empty stomach twisted itself in knots. Things were about to get much more complicated, just when they’d been getting simpler.
The entryway was empty.
“In here, hon,” Mom yelled from the kitchen. Her voice was unexpectedly normal, possibly a little relieved.
“Oh. Just a sec,” I called. I slipped into t
he downstairs bathroom off the entry, closed the door, ate a glob of toothpaste, and flushed. I came out, drying my hands on my jeans. My legs fizzed with nervous adrenaline. I shivered inside the hoodie.
Brogan and Mom sat close together at the kitchen table, two cups of coffee between them. Dad’s cup was full and steaming, untouched in front of him.
“Hi, Angie,” the detective said in the friendliest way. “I’ve been filling your folks in. We’re real close to closing the investigation. Just a couple of loose ends to tie up.”
“Rreally?” I tried to clamp down the tremble in my voice.
“Isn’t that great?” Mom asked.
If she was happy, I was happy. “Yeah. Really great,” I said with as real a smile as I could fake on top of my sick stomach. I couldn’t feel relieved. Not yet.
Mom gave me her seat as she rose to take her coffee cup to the sink. That put me awfully close to Brogan, but he wasn’t giving off dangerous vibes. His eyes were a soft green-blue, reflecting the moss color of his flannel shirt. And no hunting sparks in the depths.
I had nothing to do with my shaky hands. I hid them under the table, on my lap, pinching my knees, trying to keep the tension off my face. “So …”
He rocked back with his hands behind his head. “In a nutshell: We combed the area. We found only a single grave containing a single body, which was definitely that of your abductor, not, fortunately, another victim.”
“Isn’t that wonderful?” Mom said, a huge grin across her face.
“Absolutely,” I said, because it was expected of me. Aside from finding it just a little disconcerting to have my mom cheering for someone’s death, I still felt uneasy.
“But how—” Dad began.
“I’ll get to that,” Brogan said. “The coroner estimated time of death as about eight weeks before we found him, which is consistent with the time of your escape, Angie.”
I listened carefully for any hint of suspicion or threat.
Dad cleared his throat. “But Phil, that was more than a month ago, then, when you found him. Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Ah.” Brogan rocked forward. “We had to run forensic tests, cause of death, DNA, all that. Try to ID him. We found Angela’s prints on the handle of a shovel behind the house.”
My mind immediately flew to an image of Angel smashing a skull with a shovel. That didn’t seem right, though. Not his style.
But Brogan was still speaking. To me. “I’m guessing that you must have discovered him dead and dug the shallow grave we discovered. How you dragged him that far is anyone’s guess. Or why you bothered.”
Trust Girl Scout to do the decent thing, I thought. “How—how’d he die?” I asked in a steady voice, my eyes dead center on Brogan’s.
“No sign of violence or injury. He was in his sleepwear. It looks like cardiac arrest. In his sleep.”
“Oh,” I said, and looked at my hands in my lap.
“Bastard,” Dad swore. “Too easy.”
“Well, he’s certainly beyond the reach of human justice,” Brogan said, emphasizing human. “However, his death makes things a lot easier to wrap up. That shiv we found was clean—only Angie’s prints—no penetrating wounds on the deceased, anyway.” He shrugged.
“And apparently no one else was involved. No extraneous DNA,” he explained. “So there won’t be any awkward questions for you down the road. No one’s going to think a little thing like you could … well, anyway, that part of the investigation is closed. Cause of death ruled natural causes.”
“Well, okay,” I replied. “That’s good to know.” I took in a huge breath, silently through my nose. My shoulders relaxed. I wasn’t going to contradict the official report. No way. I still wondered, though. Brogan had never seen Angel in action. How hard would it be to hold a pillow over a sleeping man’s face long enough to … But there wasn’t any point in bringing that up, or even allowing my imagination to go there.
“We’ve got a positive ID as well,” Brogan said. “On prints. Recently, he came out of Arizona, where he’d been living and working in a bank for ten years. No conviction record there, but he’d been pulled in for repeatedly loitering too near a middle school. Clean driver’s license and an apartment he always paid for on time. His name was Brett Samuelson.” He waited for my reaction, for confirmation, maybe.
“I never knew his name,” I said simply. “None of my alters did. He was very careful to keep everyone away from his briefcase and wallet.”
“I’ve shown his photo around, tried to track his movements locally. We’ve found the grocery where he shopped, the office where he worked—”
I couldn’t help myself. “And I bet they said, ‘He was always such a quiet, polite man,’ like they always do.”
Brogan quirked a smile. “Actually, yes. They did. Anyway, I wanted to prepare you for what I hope will be the last media onslaught. We’re going to run his photo in the Sunday paper, asking for any more leads or helpful information. The article won’t mention you by name, but I think with a case as high profile as yours, people may put two and two together. I’m sorry I can’t predict what the local news station will do with it, beyond trying to get the most mileage possible.”
Dad jumped in, a sour look on his face. “If it bleeds, it leads, right?”
“I’m afraid so,” Brogan replied.
“Any way of avoiding putting Angie through all this?” Dad’s voice held a squeaky, pleading note.
I took pity on him. “Dad. I’ve handled worse. I’ll be okay.”
“Atta girl,” Brogan said. “Do you want to put up in a hotel for a few days so they can’t stake out your front lawn?”
Mom laughed wickedly. “I’ll set up the lawn sprinklers. Let’s see them try.”
She would, too. I could see her turning the hoses on all their expensive video equipment.
“So is that it?” I asked.
To my surprise, Brogan shrugged a little uncomfortably. “Almost. Are you busy today, Angie?”
“I’ve got babysitting tonight. The Harrises have another Christmas party. Why?”
“I was just wondering if you’d be willing to drive up to the cabin with me, go over the site. See if there’s anything you left behind that you’d like or … or just get some sort of closure for yourself.”
Mom rose to her feet. “Phil, I don’t think—”
“Margie, you and Mitch are welcome to come along too.”
Dad looked sick to his stomach at the very idea. And I realized I didn’t want to fill Mom’s head with mental images of the cabin, especially the bedroom.
My voice came out just a little too loud. “No, not them.” At Mom’s stricken face, I got control of my tone, serious and steady. “You both have to go to work. And anyway, this is something I have to do by myself.”
Her cheeks sagged. “Oh, hon. Are you really prepared for—”
“It’s okay, Mom.” I wrapped an arm around her waist and leaned against her. “I think it might actually be a good idea.”
Closure. Girl Scout had spent her whole life in that house. I owed it to her to pay my last respects, in some weird way. “As long as I’m home by four to get ready.”
And let’s face it. I was a little curious. Which might not have been the best reason to go.
The silence on the drive up the Crest Highway lasted all the way up the mountains, with Brogan absorbed in his own thoughts. He drove with one huge hand draped over the top of the wheel, bent at the wrist.
I watched the scenery, low chaparral on both sides of the car as far as I could see. The blackened ground, still scarred from the last big fire, had erupted into that bright green of new growth, fertilized by the ashes. Manzanita bushes, naturally fireproof, still twisted like a black-and-chestnut-red sculpture garden. Trees that still stood were spread wide apart, enough for the understory to take hold again.
“What happened?” I asked.
Brogan grunted. “Arson. Some fool hiker got lost and set a signal fire for the Forestry Service
to find him.”
“Did they?”
“Sure. What was left. After they put out over fifty thousand flaming acres.”
“Idiot,” I commented.
The road wound up and up. At higher altitudes, the untouched pines were close and dry, a fire waiting to happen. Deep in here, an off-grid cabin could easily hide.
Brogan pulled off the main highway, taking a narrow dirt road that led into a dense forested area. The smell of pine penetrated the car. A minute later, a smaller lane branched off, rutted and rocky. The SUV lurched along until Brogan unexpectedly stopped in the middle of nowhere. The way was completely blocked by trees. He opened his door and came around to let me out.
He gestured to the dense stand of trees. “You can understand why we never found this place. See how the ground is too dry to hold noticeable tracks?”
I looked behind the wheels of his car and saw what he meant.
“This is where Samuelson parked his car every night. We found it abandoned.”
“How come I never heard it?” I asked. “Is the cabin far?”
“Not that far,” he answered. “But the trees absorb sound, and his car was all-electric to begin with. Very quiet. It must have seemed like magic, the way he came and went.”
“Yeah. Black magic,” I agreed.
We walked straight into the trees, and I noticed how a path had been crushed from repeated use by the investigators, or by the man himself. I’d never seen this path before, or the “parking spot.” Girl Scout had come out another way to get down to the road. I remembered hours of walking between trees before I came to the miles and miles of winding asphalt—cars that gave me strange looks but didn’t slow—sun and wind battering me equally. An epic journey.
Now the cabin came into view, and through the memories of Girl Scout, I recognized the well pump that tapped into an underground spring. The water had been cold and minerally, but clear and clean. I discovered I missed the taste.
“Where was the grave?” I asked.
Brogan pointed a ways off, and I spied a blue tarp peeking through the trees. “A long way for a girl to move a body all alone,” he said in a somber tone. “I’m so sorry.”
