Just as Susie had managed to stand all the way up, Eve threw her whole body around her mother, knocking her back into the seat. They both fell over into the car into a ball of laughter and hugs and kisses. Parker slowly made his way over to the pile, as well, and embraced his two girls.
“I guess she really did call her,” Silas said, looking over toward Hazel with one arm still slumped over Torrey’s shoulder.
Tears welled up in Hazel’s eyes. She was really alone now. For the first time to Hazel, Eve seemed a whole person instead of just a sketch of a high school girl and the outline of a sister. She had seemed someone that almost stood for the concept of those things without embodying any of them. But now, standing with her arms around her mother, vulnerable and loose with her body and heart, Eve appeared to be more filled in. More real. More human. There was a density to Eve that Hazel hadn’t seen before.
“I’m here,” Susie said over and over, stroking Eve’s back and hair. “I’m here.”
Eve looked over to Silas and Torrey, who had their arms slung around one another. They were both smiling and giddy, holding each other tight and watching Eve do the same.
Silas caught Hazel’s eye and gestured for her to come over.
“This is Torrey,” he said. “This is the woman I was telling you about. This is Ruby’s mother.”
The corners of Torrey’s mouth turned up into a smile.
“It’s nice to meet you,” Hazel said, with an unexpected constriction in her throat. Hazel recognized Torrey’s lips and the hair and her smooth skin from the photo.
Hazel was now missing her mother and Cam and the twins more than ever. Her mistakes in love had suddenly caught up with her. Her aloneness was now fully apparent.
“Look, kiddo. I’m going to take Torrey down to the garden,” Silas said while interlacing his fingers with Torrey’s. “Is that okay with you, to hang here solo for a few minutes? And maybe it’d be a good time to, uh, call your mom, too? Only if you want, though.”
“Mmm, I don’t think she has to worry about that phone call,” Torrey chimed in.
The churning in Hazel’s stomach and the tears pressing up behind her eyes distracted her from really, really hearing what Torrey had said. There was no mistaking it now. She was actually, actually alone.
“Yeah, don’t worry about me,” Hazel replied and took a seat on the steps.
Silas smiled, glowed even, and then pressed his strong hand into the small of Torrey’s back so gently as they walked down toward the garden.
Hazel watched Silas and Torrey until they disappeared down into the woods next to the house. And then she turned her attention back to Eve, who was still locked up in her mother’s arms. They were swaying back and forth in one rhythm.
Hazel wondered to herself whether she should call her mom now. Whether she could. Whether it would be easy to undo everything she had done and said. And even if she called, how long would she sit and wait there alone? A tension rose in her body. Her muscles tightened and her tears pressed harder and her throat constricted. With each second that went by, those feelings only became more intense. She wanted something to happen. For someone to save her. But the absence of it was so palpable. Her reality was so heavy on her. She was alone. She had been for so long. But this aloneness hurt more than ever before.
Hazel wished she had said no when Silas asked if he could leave her alone. She wished she had told him that the whole reason she came up to this place was so that she wouldn’t have to hang solo anymore. She thought about shouting it out so it rippled through the air and the trees for Silas to hear. She thought about running toward Eve in her mother’s car and begging her to save her from her place on the steps.
Hazel let time pass, sitting with those feelings stirring around inside, until she needed to release them. She couldn’t tell how much time had passed, but it wasn’t enough to alleviate her need to be part of something the rest of them were a part of.
She tried to open her mouth to yell out. She tried picking up her legs to spring forward. But she couldn’t. Hazel realized that she couldn’t yell or thrust her way into Silas’s or Eve’s lives. Into their families. They had their families.
And so did Hazel. They were just back home.
The weight in her body turned into a panicky numbness. The green wall came into her mind’s eye again. Pulsing and breathing. Luring her in. Hazel pulled her eyelids together and placed her hands over her temples until the vision passed. She needed to get her mother here. She needed to get out, out, out of this place. She needed to go back home. Her real home.
Just as she prepared to reach for her phone, Hazel heard the familiar sound of the crackling of gravel below tires. The nose of her mother’s old green Subaru, dinged up on all sides, rounded into sight and Hazel sprung to her feet. Hazel ran toward it and slammed her palms into the glass of the windows as the car came to a slowdown.
Her mother popped out of the car and rushed to her. Before wrapping her up in a hug, Jane placed her hands on top of Hazel’s shoulders.
“How did you know to come up here?” Hazel asked through a smile.
“I just knew, my love.” Hazel’s mother pulled her in close and stroked the side of her head. “I just knew.”
As Hazel’s head rested on her mother’s shoulder, she heard the sound of a car window going down.
“Hi, Hazel!” a voice said, in a slightly jumbled and staccato manner. She hadn’t heard either of the twins utter these words before, but she was sure it was Trevor’s voice. “Hi, Hazel!” a second voice added. This one, she was sure, was Griffin’s.
Hazel’s heart felt light and she unraveled herself from her mother’s arms to peek into the back of the car. The twins were in there waving and bouncing their legs up and down in their car seats.
“They missed you,” Cam chimed in from the front seat with a smile.
“It looks like it!” Hazel chuckled and gave Trevor’s thigh a squeeze.
She looked up at Cam. He seemed as gentle and kind and calm as he always seemed. Hazel looked right into his eyes and said, “Well, I missed you guys.”
35
JANE
When Hazel pulled her head out of the car window, Silas and Torrey were arm in arm on one side of the driveway, having just emerged back from their walk to the garden, and Eve and Susie and Parker were arm in arm on the other side of the driveway, having just emerged from their circle of hugging and talking.
“Hey, Jane. Hey, Susie,” Silas said with a shaky voice. “I, uh, can’t believe everyone made it up here.”
There was a moment of thick quiet. Of everyone trading stares. There was a mixing of past and present and future.
“A mother’s instinct, I guess,” Jane said with a smirk.
“I’d say so,” Susie chimed in.
Torrey smiled, too, and squeezed Silas’s side.
They had all embarked upon journeys of love once upon a time. It was the greatest story of each of their lives and all the characters were right there in Silas’s driveway. Where did the stories start? Where did they end? What did they learn?
It was a mess. How couldn’t it have been? But it was finally becoming untangled.
It couldn’t be said for certain who was squeezing whom more, but Jane squeezed Hazel and Hazel squeezed Jane. And Silas squeezed Torrey and Torrey squeezed Silas. And Eve squeezed Susie and Susie squeezed Eve.
“I think it’s time we all head home, wouldn’t you say?” Jane said into the quiet between them all. “Well, except for you two,” Jane said with a smile in the direction of Silas and Torrey.
“Yes, I’d say we’re already home,” Torrey said and then kissed Silas’s cheek. Silas wrapped his arms around Torrey as if he would never get enough of it. With her chin on Silas’s shoulder, she mouthed toward Jane, “Thank you.”
Jane stood there stoically even though her heart was simultaneously
full and melting. She nodded and then turned her attention back toward the Warringtons and her own daughter.
“Why don’t you go and get your stuff, girls?” Susie added. She swallowed and then pressed her chin into the air a bit.
She saw Hazel glance at Eve, who was already looking over at her, and then they disappeared up into the house.
With Silas and Torrey out of sight, the girls up in their rooms packing, and husbands and twins in their cars, Jane was left with just Susie. Where there might have been tension, there was a warmth between them. At the same time, the two women turned toward each other.
“I read your letters,” Jane said. And Susie said at precisely the same time, “Did you read my letters?” The two women laughed. They understood each other. They shared something meaningful.
“They helped,” Jane shared earnestly. “They really did.”
“Oh, I’m so glad to hear that,” Susie replied with obvious relief.
“I wrote my own, too,” Jane continued. “It felt good to get it all out there. And to know I wasn’t alone.”
Susie moved closer toward Jane and curled her slender fingers over Jane’s shoulder.
“Think you’ll ever share them with Eve?” Jane asked.
Susie shook her head from side to side. “No, I don’t think so. After writing them, I realized they were more for me.” She pulled her hand down off Jane’s shoulder and smiled. “And after meeting you, I realized they could be for you.”
Jane smiled back. “Hold on one second.” Jane dashed off to the car and pulled the two heavy notebooks from the car.
“What are those?” Cam asked from the passenger’s seat, but Jane just bolted off with them tucked in her arms. When Jane reached Susie, she extended the notebook out in front of her. “I figured you probably want this back?”
“Is that other one yours?” Susie asked, pointing to the other notebook pressed between Jane’s arm and side. “How would you feel if I said that I think I’d rather have yours?”
Jane pulled Susie’s notebook back and swapped it for hers.
“I’d feel pretty good about that. One mother’s mess is another mother’s treasure.”
They chuckled again. And as they did they could hear the patter of the girls making their way back down the stairs. Eve emerged first with a pep in her step and hair swaying from side to side.
“Let’s get out of here already!” Eve yelped, dragging her suitcase dramatically behind her. Hazel emerged next, looking a bit weary and older. Her eyes shone brighter. She even appeared taller. More adult. Hazel looked straight at Jane, right into her eyes. She felt them both soften again. Jane motioned to go hug her daughter again but there was Eve to break the mood.
“What are those fat notebooks you’re both holding? What are you, freakin’ pen pals now?”
“Nothing,” both Susie and Jane said simultaneously and made eye contact.
“Go put your bag in the car,” Susie said to Eve. And Eve abided. Hazel had already started doing the same.
Just as everyone had piled into their cars and started leaving, Silas and Torrey emerged back in front of the house, their fingers intertwined like they would never let go. And perhaps they wouldn’t.
“Hey!” he shouted and motioned with his other hand for them to roll down the windows.
“Thank you, daughters. And thank you, mothers.”
And then the cars drove off.
36
HAZEL
Hazel was surprised with how light she felt in the car. It felt okay to want things in a way you couldn’t help. It felt okay to go after those things. And she had.
Hazel looked out the window at the great and moody lake and watched it disappear into the distance. Hazel’s path to this moment had started how everything always started—with mothers and fathers and sons and daughters and sisters and wanting love. Mostly, wanting love. And it had ended with everyone holding those people a little bit tighter. It had ended up with a little more understanding of each other and a lot more love in the right places.
She thought of how quiet it had been in the room as she and Eve packed their bags, both as quickly as they could without seeming as desperate to leave as they both knew they were. For the first time, Hazel didn’t feel self-conscious about the things she wanted. Whether Eve could detect the vibrations of effort under her skin. For the first time, she didn’t feel Eve or her mother or Cam or the twins was in control of her. She was her own girl, her own woman, and she knew where to find her love and security.
Hazel felt warm and safe in the car, in the seat between her brothers and behind her mother and Cam. This was the kind of love she was seeking. The kind of love that took time. The kind of love that built through experience. Through knowing all the parts of each other. A kind of love that finally allowed her to see how grasping her love for Eve and Silas was.
Hazel felt her phone buzz in her lap.
Hey, Eve had texted. Sorry about all that.
Hazel tucked the phone between her legs so that she wouldn’t respond. What was there to say? But then she felt the phone buzz again.
Check your backpack. Another text message flashed onto the screen.
I left you a note.
Hazel dug around in her backpack until she felt a folded piece of lined paper. She pulled it out and opened it.
Dear Hazel,
I’ve been writing this note in my head for a long time but finally feel like I could put it on paper. The first thing I want to say is that I’m sorry I brought you into this mess, but I’m also glad I got to know you.
It’s probably no surprise that I didn’t come all the way up to Maine for the old walls and rickety floors and bugs and humidity. To be honest, I barely even came to meet Silas. I came because I was mad and I was sad that my parents lied to me. You’re lucky that yours didn’t. I wanted to punish them. I wanted them to feel scared that they would lose me. I wanted them to feel scared that things would change. Because that’s how I felt.
Last summer when I came up here, I was filled with anger and fear. This summer, it was different.
I didn’t feel mad or scared anymore. I felt like I understood them. The more time I spent up here, and the more time I spent with you and Silas, the more I understood why they would want to pretend like it never happened. The more I understood that they would want to live happily-ever-after, just the three of us.
I realized this summer that I felt like that, too. I still feel like that. I want to pretend like none of it ever happened. I want to go back to my life before this all happened.
Genes don’t tell the whole story of family. I know you know that, too.
I hope you understand. I hope you’re happy.
I’m sorry if I made a mess of things for you.
Your (kind of) sister,
Eve
* * *
After reading the note, Hazel understood not only Eve, but also herself.
Genes didn’t tell the whole story of family. It would never be enough. It was true for her relationship with Eve and it was true for her relationship with Silas. Her family was not up in Grandor. It was back home where there were reels upon reels of memories and boxes upon boxes of photos that proved what family was. There was a home and thousands of meals and thousands of good-night kisses and thousands of welcome-home-from-school hugs that proved this to be true. There were bikes that wouldn’t have been ridden, kites that wouldn’t have been flown, raspberry jam that wouldn’t have been eaten, bath toys that wouldn’t have been played with, movies that wouldn’t have been watched, books that wouldn’t have been read and grass that wouldn’t have been run upon if this family had not been a family.
Hazel felt a fierce magnetic pull toward her mom and Cam and the twins. She understood them. She understood the life they had built with her. For her.
She couldn’t be mad or sad about her pare
nts’ choices. Not at all. They had wanted this family so bad and they’d got it.
Family was the most important thing. Love was the most important thing.
And this family, this love, was the life that they worked for. This was what they wanted to wake up with. This was what they wanted to go to sleep to. This was the air they wanted to breathe. And who was Hazel to say that wanting this family and this love was wrong?
She could never say that. This family, this love, was perfect.
Hazel pressed her eyelids together and inhaled, trying to hold tears back. But they found their way out at the corners and streamed down her cheeks. She could taste the salt on her lips. Her purposeful breath turned choppy and her heart ached. Oh, her heart ached. But she knew that this was the feeling of it healing.
A flood of relief coursed through her. It was time to go home. And this, the people in this car, was home.
Hazel looked at her mom in the front seat, Cam’s hand on her thigh. She looked at the twins on either side of her, kicking and cooing. Hazel felt a new confidence, a self-assuredness, strength flow through her, and just placed the phone next to her without an answer.
The car ride was full of the best kind of quiet. Hours next to one another in silence without a single drop of tension. The world felt right again.
This was what it meant to be a sister, a daughter, a stepdaughter, a husband, a wife, Hazel thought to herself. It was the feeling of unexpected, boundless, soaring, unconditional tenderness for someone, when all circumstances might predict otherwise. The knot that had lived in her stomach for so many years untangled. She looked into the rearview mirror and caught her mother’s eye. Hazel couldn’t see her mouth in the mirror, but she could tell by the squint of Jane’s eyes that she was smiling. And then, her mother’s voice rang out through the car.
That Summer in Maine Page 23
