by Ali Parker
"Aren’t you calling Jackson? Did you guys break up again?" She put her hand on her hip, and I swore that she thought I was a child.
"No. We're still together. I'll tell him later. I'm going to invite Steph to come with us to dinner. That okay?" I moved toward the guest bedroom in my mom's small house as my heart fluttered. I was one step closer to my dream.
"Yep. Can't do anything without your bestie. I swear you guys will always be inseparable."
We'd never had much money, but we didn't need it. We were laid back and not at all materialistic. Besides, a poor childhood prepared me well for being broke for most of my twenties. Things weren’t going to change much either. My student loan costs were astronomical. They should have named a wing of the medical school after me. The residency wasn't going to pay much, but it would be enough to cover my rent at the apartment with Stephanie. If I needed additional income, I'd get a sugar daddy or another job.
"You wish," I mumbled to myself as I plopped down onto the edge of the bed. Steph's number was at the top of my recent calls, as it should be. I didn't have too many friends in life, but she was all I could handle most days anyway. The girl had more energy than one might consider healthy.
"Hey! Where are you? It's boring as hell here when you're gone." She sounded like she was bouncing around. I just prayed there wasn't a guy beneath her. The woman had no couth.
"I'm at my mom's house. Just picking up my mail."
"Anything good?"
"What are you doing? Do I even want to know?" I pressed my fingers to my forehead and prepared to grimace.
"Trying out a new dance DVD. Get over here and let's boogie-oogie-oogie."
"Right. Not happening." I laughed, unable to help myself. "Get dressed and meet us at the burger place just beside the med building. Mom's taking me to dinner. I figure you might want some food too."
"Yeah, alright. I was getting these moves down far too fast anyway. It's boring when you were made to move."
I rolled my eyes and stood up. "So… I got the letter from St. Mark's Hospital. They've agreed to the matching for my residency."
"What? Oh my God, Liz. That's great news!" Her laugh was full of joy, and it forced a smile onto my face.
"You need to check for yours. It should be in." I walked back toward the kitchen and got a glass of water.
"I'll call my mom when I get in the car. Nothing came here, but nothing ever does. I still don't understand why we had to get an apartment in the worst part of town. We're going to get mugged or kidnapped. That's why we have no mail. The mailman is scared shitless of this neighborhood."
"Alright. Enough out of you, drama major. See you soon.” I dropped the call as she continued to complain about the apartment. We'd been friends since grade school and had no need to be anything other than ourselves around each other.
Stephanie had a million options as to what to study in college, but she'd chosen medicine alongside me. It had always been my dream to save lives in the ER, but some part of me couldn't help but wonder if she simply wanted to be wherever I was, no matter what that meant for her. It was comforting. I was an only child, and Steph was as close as I got to having a sibling.
"You ready?" My mom poked her head into the kitchen.
"Yes. More than ready. I'm thinking that burger place beside the college that I love so much." I walked into the living room and gave her a crooked smile as she groaned.
"I hate that place. Let's go somewhere nice. You deserve a really good dinner. This is big news, so we need a big celebration." She smiled and opened the door, patting my back as I walked through in front of her.
"Mom. Money is tight. We don't need to blow the phone bill on a steak. Seriously." I walked down the dilapidated stairs that needed to be replaced yesterday and turned, making sure to watch her in case the whole damn platform fell.
"Money will always be tight, but one day, my baby girl is going to pay everything off and live the life I've always wanted for her. Right? Give me hope." She winked at me and stopped by her side of the car as her expression tightened. "I'm so proud of you. Your daddy would be too. You know that, right?"
I nodded, not sure I trusted myself to talk around the hot lump of sadness that rose up sharply and lodged itself in my throat. My father should have been there, but his heart wasn’t willing to outlast his fast-paced life. He was the reason I wanted to become a doctor. No girl should have to bury her father from a misdiagnosis. I would make sure that didn’t happen on my shift, or die trying.
After getting in the car, I buckled up and turned on the radio. I might have only been a few years from thirty, but when I was with my mother it felt like I was fifteen again. I loved it. She did too.
"So a burger for the newest resident of St. Mark's Hospital?" She reached over and squeezed my arm gently before turning on the car and backing out.
"That sounds delicious." I pulled out my phone and let out a sigh. "I should text Jackson."
"You should. He's a great boy, Elizabeth. He's been hanging around you and Stephanie far longer than any man would be expected to. You know he's going to ask you to marry him soon."
"Ugh. No." I ran my fingers through my long chestnut hair and dropped the phone in the cup holder next to me.
"What? Why? He's so good-looking."
"Yes, and he knows it. He's been in love with himself since we were in high school and he lost all that weight. I almost wish he was still patty-jack."
"Elizabeth. Don't call him that. He hated that back in high school and he hates it now." My mom gave me a sideways look as I smirked.
"He's a great guy, but not the guy for me. I should have broken up with him ten years ago, but I'm just not sure I can now. We've been together too long."
"Yeah, but if it's not right, then-"
"Wait. You're confusing me. You just said he was the one for me, and now you're giving me an out? You need meds. I'll examine you when we get to the restaurant, or ask Steph to do it."
"Neither of you is touching me. You might fool all those people at NYU, but I know you both far too well." She pulled into the parking lot of the burger place and turned to look at me. "Honestly; let him go or invite him in. Dating off and on for ten years is a waste of both of your lives."
I nodded and jumped as the car beside us honked loudly. Stephanie waved at me and pointed at Jack before giving me a shit-eating grin. She’d brought him on purpose. I'd have to kick her in the shin later over it.
We got out of the car, and walked to the restaurant as the warm wind of autumn blew across us. Jack reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me back toward him.
"Just a minute." He looked over at my mother and Steph. "We'll be right in. I just want to congratulate my girl."
I pressed my hands to his strong chest as he turned his attention back to me. "I was going to call."
"No, you weren't." He leaned down and brushed his lips by mine. "But it's okay. You’re modest, and you hate attention. I get it. I, on the other hand, love attention and have been getting none lately."
"I know." I forced a smile and lifted to my toes, kissing his lips once more in hopes that we could go inside soon. He was handsome in a frat-boy way, but his personality drained me within ten minutes of being near him.
"Spend the night with me tonight. You haven’t been in my bed for a month." He ran his hands over my cheeks and pulled me up for another long kiss. I closed my eyes and imagined him to be anyone but who he was. Sadness and guilt tightened around my insides as I forced my eyes open. I couldn't keep doing this just to spare his feelings. I couldn't do it just so I wouldn't be completely alone at night. It was getting ridiculous.
"Not tonight. I want to visit my advisor, and you know she keeps late hours." I hugged him and moved back. "Come on. I'll stay the night soon. I promise."
"I'm going to hold you to it." He popped my butt, and I stifled a growl. There had to be a better match for him. I wanted to desire him, wanted to feel uncontrollably turned on by his sexy voice and dark eyes, but it
just wasn't going to happen for me. I'd watched him grow up, and for some odd reason that killed my desire to want him sexually. I'd been forcing myself for the last few years to sleep with him, but now that I was done with school, maybe it was time for a change - for both of us.
We ate dinner and laughed the entire time, thanks to Stephanie and all of her crazy stories she told when anyone was paying attention. The girl didn't know a stranger, and if it hadn't been for her, we would never have been invited anywhere in college. She was in the center of everything, and just happened to drag me along, often against my will.
My meeting with my advisor wasn't until early the next morning, but no one needed to know that. Besides, no one but Jackson would care.
Stephanie let out a yelp, and I glanced up from my burger to see her face light up as she read something on her phone.
"Oh my God, Liz. I got in too. I'll be at St. Mark's with you. Oh my God." She jumped up and almost knocked the table over as she moved around my mother and wrapped me in an awkward hug. I was used to them, and simply turned and gave her a tight squeeze.
"That's great news! Looks like we won't have to split up after all," I teased her.
"And we can check out all the hot doctors together." She wagged her eyebrows before moving back and shrugging. "Sorry, Jack. You should've gone the doctor route. Accountants just aren't that sexy."
"This one is." He brushed his hand down his chest and gave me a saucy look. "Right, baby?"
"Right. So hot." I shoved three fries in my mouth and avoided my mother's hard stare. It would be time to go soon, and I couldn't pray hard enough for it to hurry the hell up.
Chapter 2
Aiden
"There's nothing left for us to do." I glanced over at Dr. Billings as he reviewed the file I presented in his office. I should have taken a seat, but I needed to move around a little. Telling someone that there was no hope was the opposite of what I'd been trained to do. I was there to save lives, not resign someone to death.
"I agree. You've made a proper assessment. Go meet with the family, and finish up your report on the file." He glanced up at me, his dark eyes not showing any remorse at all. My white- haired mentor had been trying to force me to look at patients as nothing more than a number on a file, but I couldn't. I never would be able to.
"I should get one more opinion, Peter. Maybe I'm missing something." I ran my fingers through my short dark hair and let out a long sigh. "Maybe if we discuss options on the left ventricle-"
"Aiden. We've done all we can. I know you hate this part."
"Abhor would be a better word." I closed the file as a tightness inside of me threatened to steal my breath. "I just can't stand the thought of giving up."
"How long have you been a doctor?" He walked around the desk and clamped his hand down on my shoulder, squeezing.
"For ten years." I let my eyes move from him back to the file. "I don't care how long I've been doing this. Nothing can take away the fact that me throwing in the towel means death for someone. It's unfair."
"It's part of the job. You've been with this patient far more than you should. You're starting to care about him." He released me and backed up. "You need to lighten your load. Our new residents are coming in the day after tomorrow, and I would like for you to take one of them."
"What? No." I glanced up. "I should have enough tenure in this department to say no to this."
"And you do, but you've been requested by the dean at NYU to take on one of their best and brightest." Peter chuckled as he crossed his arms over his chest. "You're a great teacher, and I've let you slide for far too long on not teaching one-on-one. You need to diversify yourself, or you're going to be heartbroken every time you come in here. We’re cardiologists. People die under our watch - a lot."
"I realize that, but I'm not sure what you think I'll get out of having some younger version of me run around behind me, trying to impress me by flashing a little tit." I rolled my eyes, trying not to think of all of the various residents I'd agreed to mentor in my younger years. Most of them had stepped over the line, but it was just part of the fast-paced life of the hospital. Half the people on my staff slept together, whether they were married or not. I didn't keep tabs on any of them, nor did I show any interest at all. Honestly, because I wasn't interested.
I was fast approaching forty, and though everyone at the hospital had tried to set me up with any eligible woman they knew, I just wasn't interested.
My career was far too important to me, and sex was sex. A one-night stand would suffice, and there were plenty of women willing to offer themselves up. It was pathetic on my part, and yet I'd come to terms with it years ago in college. I just wasn't the marrying type. Life meant more than partnership to me.
Peter chuckled. "It's a female, but I'm not sure she's the type of girl who would flash anything other than a bright smile."
"Nerdy?" I lifted my eyebrow and smirked.
"I’m quite sure, but I have no clue what she looks like. They'll be visiting tomorrow. I want you to review her file and sign on for this." He picked up a random file on his desk and handed it to me. "She's going to be a great asset to us. Her grades and involvement in some pretty complex case studies prove that. I'd almost bet that the woman could even impress you if given the opportunity."
I shrugged and took the file. "Right. I'll consider it. Wish me luck."
"With the resident?" Peter smiled.
"No. With my patient and his family. I hate this part of my job." I walked to the door and chuckled at his question.
"Even abhor it?"
"Exactly." I walked out into the hall and brushed my hand by my lips as I met eyes with everyone that passed by me. Most spoke, and I gave them a professional curt nod, but nothing more. People were too needy, in my opinion. They were looking for a way in, and it wouldn't take much more than a smile and then they would assume that was an open invitation to converse. It wasn't.
I knocked on the door just outside of Mr. Burns’ hospital room and took a deep breath before walking in. "Good morning."
The guy in the bed hooked up to a handful of tubes was only five years older than me, though he looked at least twenty years older.
"Dr. Crawford." He smiled and extended his hand as his arm shook slightly. "Nice to see you, sir."
"You as well, Max." I shook his hand and turned to extend my hand to the pretty red-head who stood next to his bed. Her tears had left an ugly black trail down her cheeks, but it was moving. She was in love, and just the thought of losing him had her at the hospital with us non-stop for almost a week. I yearned for that deep acceptance, but the rest of the bullshit that seemed to come along with it was what stopped me from trying years before.
"So tell us the news, Doc. I know you're a busy man, and we don't want to waste any of your time. What's the prognosis?" The hope in his voice twisted my insides until I had trouble breathing. I could play off the trauma that wrecked my emotions easily, but I hated like hell how it left me feeling afterward. Cold. Unattached. Alone.
I pulled out his file and opened it, glancing down and taking a short breath before looking up and staring the dying man in the face. "We've run every test we can think to run. I've had your file reviewed by three of the best cardiologists in the nation. We're out of options."
"What?" The woman took a step toward the bed as she pressed her hands to her mouth. "No. No. You don't get to tell us that."
"Cindy." My patient reached for the woman and tried to grab her, but she moved back as her face flushed red. He gave me an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. We've been together since we were kids."
"No! This isn't right. Check again. Do something." She moved around the bed, and I stood my ground. She needed someone to hit, to hurt, to hate. It could be me. It had been numerous times over the last ten years.
Max tried to get out of the bed, but I lifted my hand toward him. "No. She's right to be upset."
She pushed against my chest as her voice rose. "Upset? Upset?! Try destroye
d. What kind of doctor are you? You come in here, running your stupid fucking tests, and just because you don't find what you can fix easily, you're done? No! Fix him. Fix..."
"Baby." Max had tears dripping down his face as I reached for his wife and pulled her into a tight hug. I didn't know the woman, but I hated her pain all the same.
"I'm sorry. I wish like hell there was something... anything I could do. I really do." I glanced over at Max as his wife sobbed against my chest. "I've searched high and low for an answer that might not force me to have this conversation."
"It's okay." Max extended his hand to me as he began to cry harder. I reached out and took it, forcing back the tears that wanted to burn my eyes. I didn't get to cry. It was their time to weep and mourn. Not mine. I was the one unable to help. The one with no resolution.
"I'll keep looking, but you needed to know." I released Cindy as she moved back and crawled into the bed with her husband. He wrapped her up tightly and gave me a weak smile.
"I know you will. Thanks, Doctor Crawford." He pressed his lips to the side of her head and turned his attention from me.
I closed the file and walked to the door, stopping only to answer her question as she called out. The agony in her voice seared my soul and I didn't care how long I'd been a doctor, or how long I would remain one, I would never become callous toward someone dying. I couldn't. It just wasn't me.
"Doctor?"
I turned around. "Yes, ma'am?"
"How long?" She pursed her lips, and Max turned his attention back to me, his eyes wide as if he'd just realized that there was an expiration date on his life.
"Four to seven days." I let out a shaky sigh.
"Shit." He closed his eyes and leaned his head back as I slipped out of the room. They needed their time together, and I honestly couldn't handle another minute of watching their agony.
"Aiden. Wait up, man." Parks was one of the younger doctors on the floor, and I had made a point to take him under my wing as much as I could. He wasn't nearly as interested in our profession as I thought he should be, but he was a good guy, and a decent friend.
