by Amy Field
“The only way to find out is to take you to Doctor Felkorn,” Elsie concluded.
“Congratulations, you are exactly six weeks pregnant,” said Doctor Felkorn, with a bright smile on her pale face.
Emma felt like the life had been suck out of her and instead of responding to the doctor’s congratulations she found herself gasping for air. She clutched her chest as it tightened.
“Are you alright?” asked the doctor in alarm. When she still could not reply the doctor reached for a cup of water and placed it at her mouth. “Drink,” she said, and soon enough Emma’s airway cleared and her heart rate began to decelerate.
“Thank you, Doctor,” she timidly replied, her eyes downcast with the tears that threatened to fall.
“It is natural for a person to feel overwhelmed by unexpected news. You are right to feel the way you do,” the Doctor consoled.
Emma left the clinic with mixed emotions. She found herself lost completely in her thoughts even as Elsie sat beside her and chatted excitedly about the joy that a child brings. Emma tried to answer whatever question Elsie asked to avoid her sister’s inquisition and concern.
Her heart wanted to rejoice but it also wanted to weep. This is what she and Josef had always wanted – a baby. But now he was gone and she didn’t know if she should be happy without him. Yet she wanted to rejoice because she would have a piece of him with her.
How could God do this and leave her in so much turmoil? It wasn’t fair to blame Him she knew but there was no one else she could vent her anger on. Josef died in a lightning storm which meant that it was of God’s own choosing that he should go in such a manner.
When she got home and after Elsie left, she broke down and cried.
“Have you eaten?” asked a concerned Elsie as she waltzed through the door. It had been two days since her sister had visited her and as much as she was grateful for the concern she just wanted to be left alone. Elsie was coming overbearing.
“Why are you here, Elsie?” she asked, completely ignoring the question her sister had posed.
“I came to see how you’re holding up. At this stage of your pregnancy you have to be careful,” Elsie replied. “So again, have you eaten?”
Emma felt trapped. She could not lie to her sister, but she knew as soon as she confessed that she had not eaten anything since that day and that other questions that she wasn’t ready to answer would follow.
“Did you eat?” Elsie repeated, more demanding than before. Being the older of the two, she always commanded respect as if it were her right. It always grated on Emma’s nerves but no matter what she could not elude answering her.
“No,” Emma replied simply.
“It’s nearly noon Emma,” Elsie returned. “Why haven’t you eaten as yet?”
When Emma failed to answer her she reached out and turned her to face her.
“When was the last time you ate?” she asked suspiciously. Emma could not bear the intense stare that was zeroed on her and she averted her eyes from her sister’s gaze. Her actions were enough to point to her guilt.
“Did you eat yesterday?” she asked when Emma continued to look anywhere but at her.
“Did you eat the day before?” she asked once more and when Emma did not respond she released an exasperated sigh.
“You can’t not eat Emma, it’s dangerous for the baby,” she implored. “What about the supplements the doctor gave you; have you taken any?” Emma’s posture confirmed that she had not.
“Do you want to lose this baby?”
At the mention of her losing her baby Emma’s head shot up in fright as she stared wide-eyed at Elsie. Did she want to lose her baby? Of course not. The thought of the beautiful little being that resided inside of her that she and Josef created being ejected sent her in a panic and her hands automatically covered her still flat tummy. It was as if she had been given an epiphany. In order to save her unborn child she would have to pull herself out of the state of depression she was in and do everything humanly possible to keep it alive and healthy.
“I don’t want to lose my baby,” she said, half to herself.
“And you won’t,” her sister affirmed before pulling her towards the kitchen to prepare a proper meal for her. The smell of eggs and bacon wafted throughout the entire space and had Emma’s stomach growling from the repressed state it had been put in. Her morning sickness had subsided thanks to the small tablets her doctor had advised her would suppress the urge to bring up everything she had eaten. She dug into the food placed before her like a man having his last meal – the fact that she had been starving her baby made her feel guilty and she found herself eating another serving of scrambled eggs, bacon and baked bread.
“Remember service will be held at the Langley's Sunday coming,” Elsie reminded her has she placed the forkful of food into her mouth. “Michael and I will pick you up.”
“Ok,” Emma responded with her mouth still full.
After Elsie left, Emma decided to do some light cleaning and washing. Seeing as she was cleaning and washing for one, the work wasn’t too lengthy, but it left her with nothing to do for the remainder of the day. She decided to go out into the small vegetable garden and clean out the weeds that were choking her vegetables. When she got tired she stopped and went inside to take a nap.
“Good morning, Emma,” Michael greeted her pleasantly as he helped her into the back of the buggy.
“Good morning, Michael,” she greeted him back.
“Elsie told me about the little one. I believe congratulations are in order,” he said as they pulled away from her gate. Emma shot Elsie, who had turned to look at her, with an ‘I can’t believe you did that’ stare.
“Thank you, Michael,” she answered as pleasantly as she could manage. She was happy about her baby but she was not quite ready to share the information with anyone just yet. Only Elsie had gone and blabbed to her husband and God knows who else.
“I know Josef would have been happy to know that you are bringing his little one into this world after all these years of trying…” At the mention of Josef her heart constricted like it always did and Emma fought to keep calm as any undue stress could affect her baby’s development. She saw Elsie elbow Michael and his short grunt of pain somehow took her mind off the statement he made and brought her some amount of joy. She threw Elsie a grateful smile and the rest of the ride remained silent.
“Emma, Elsie, how wonderful!” exclaimed Anna as she rushed to meet them, her protruding tummy hanging very low and indicative of the fact that she was near due to have baby. Anna and her husband William Lafayette were Englischers who had found their lives out in the English world unfulfilling, and, after spending a month with their Amish relatives, decided to join the faith.
“Hello, Anna,” Elsie replied as the short woman embraced her before turning to Emma.
“I heard the news,” she beamed, “congratulations, Emma. I am so happy for you.” And so it seemed that word had gotten around and quite possibly the whole community was aware of her pregnancy.
“Thank you Anna,” she replied graciously.
After some light conversation and promises to exchange recipes, it was time for the service to commence and the women and men who were milling about in the front yard made their way to the large red barn.
“It is in knowing God that we are able to understand His will for our lives. Even when the hurt is so great that the only thing left to do is to throw in the towel and give up, we continue to fight because we realize that His will encompasses all things. Like Jeremiah 29:11 states, He knows the plans He has for you; they are not for harm but to give you hope and a future…..”
Emma listened intently to the preacher’s words but in her heart she could not identify with it because of the hurt that was still lodged within. She still could not see past the fact that God had taken Josef away from her and left her alone. Maybe over time her grief would lessen but for now the lesson did not salve the wound - the hole in her heart.
“
Hello, Emma,” a deep male voice announced from behind her. She had been so caught up in her thoughts and stood looking up into the cloudless blue sky. Turning towards the voice, she realized that it was Boris. They had been friends when they were younger but as they grew older their friendship faded as they were pulled in different directions.
He had a broad, welcoming smile on his face and his grey eyes stared intently at her. He had been married, but was now a widower and it seemed he was back on the lookout for a wife if the absence of his beard was any sign.
“Hello, Boris,” she replied politely as he stood before her with his hands hooked in loops of his suspenders. He continued to smile at her as if nervous. The silence became awkward and Emma wondered what he could possibly want.
“I was wondering if I could offer to take you home after we have eaten,” he suddenly said, hopeful.
This caught Emma by surprise and she wondered why he would make such an offer out of the blue. Her eyes caught her sister’s from across the path. She had been staring in their direction but had quickly averted her eyes when Emma caught her. It suddenly dawned on her that Elsie was trying to set her up and anger rose up in her at her sister’s interference.
“I’m sorry, Boris but I cannot accept. I have some important matters that I must discuss with my sister, so it is best if Michael sees me home,” she declined his offer as gently as she could. All the time her blood was boiling and she wanted to shake Elsie.
As she walked off in the direction of her sister, who was currently setting the tables on the outside, she was intercepted by another male. She saw the look of hope that had been on Boris’ face on his, but before he could offer, she spoke up.
“I’m sorry, Caleb, but I really need to speak with my sister,” she rushed out. She saw his face drop at his disappointment but then he mustered a smile before replying.
“Of course, I understand,” he replied with a smile. He moved out of her way so that she could head towards her sister.
“What are you doing?” she whisper-yelled as she walked around the table as Elsie placed the mats at each seat.
“What are you on about?” Elsie feigned ignorance.
“Don’t try that with me Elsie,” she replied impatiently. “I know you’re trying to set me up and I am telling you now to stop. I don’t need a man in my life especially since it has only been over a month since I buried my husband.”
“I know you don’t think you need anyone right now, Emma, but I’m telling you it is best for the baby that you have someone to help you when he or she comes. The farm needs a good sturdy hand to keep it going too…”
“Stop,” Emma almost yelled as she held up her hand to cut off her sister. A few persons who were close by threw curious glances at them. “I don’t need anyone to come and take Josef’s place, especially not in his child’s life. I will not dishonor him like that,” she affirmed.
“But….” was all Elsie was able to get out as Emma shook her head warningly. “Ok, I won’t interfere,” she promised.
After they ate, Elsie and her husband took Emma home and she invited them inside for some coffee and pie so that she could show her sister the quilt she was working on for her little one.
“This is really beautiful,” gushed Elsie as she held up the patterned quilt that was nowhere ready to be complete but already promised to be beautiful.
“I know,” she returned, “I was wondering if you would like to add a few patterns to it as well.”
At this Elsie’s face lit up with her excitement and she hugged Emma tightly.
“Thank you, little sister. I would be honored.”
Shortly after, they left her and she decided make some vegetable soup to drink with the bread she had baked earlier in the morning.
In her twelfth week of pregnancy, Emma noticed that her once flat tummy had taken on a characteristic bump. She also felt slightly bigger and heavier in other areas and she realized that she was getting very comfortable with the changes – she relished the growth of her baby.
Her midwife was set to be at her home the following day and she spent the time baking and making jam to go with the biscuits she would serve after the examination was complete. She had never been this happy since Josef’s death, but it all could be attributed to her baby, who gave her the will to get up every morning. It would be just the two of them and she was okay with that. She knew she would tell the baby about their father every day and only wished she had a photo to show, but it was prohibited for the Amish to take pictures. She would have to rely on the memories she had of him.
After finishing her chores, she decided to sit in her favorite rocking chair to stitch together the multi-colored quilt she was making for her baby. After some time her eyes drifted close and her head bobbed. The sudden jerk of her head effectively woke her and she realized she was too tired to move to her room. She took the heavy blanket that lay over the chair back and placed it securely over her before rocking herself back to sleep.
“Emma,” came the soft husky voice. She knew that voice; it was Josef’s voice. “Emma,” it called once more and this time she opened her eyes. She was in a meadow. The grass, which grew in dense tussocks, was thick and lush. There were daises and a variety of other wild meadow flowers scattered throughout the thickness of the grass. The sky was completely blue and not a cloud could be seen. The wind rustled the grass and flowers and brought their scents wafting across her nostrils. The deep yellow sun shined on everything and made them even brighter than they already were. With a sigh of contentment, she turned her face towards the rays and allowed it to bathe her in its glow like it did everything else. She felt at peace in this meadow – like this was where she belonged.
“Emma,” came the same voice that had catapulted her into this world of color. Turning towards the voice she came face to face with her husband’s smiling face.
“Josef?” she questioned disbelievingly.
“Yes my love. It is I,” he replied in a laughing tone and her heart swelled with joy at the mirth at the sound of his voice. Automatically, her feet began to move towards him and he remained in the same position watching her. When she was finally only a hair’s breath away, she reached her hand to touch his sandy brown hair whose blond streaks glinted as they caught the sun’s rays. Her hand travelled from his hair to touch his warm cheek before coming to rest on his chest just above his heart. She could feel and hear the steady beating of his heart and her own swelled with the knowledge that he was before her.
“Oh Josef, I’ve missed you,” she cried as she flung herself into his arms. She wrapped her hands tightly around his neck for fear that he would disappear and he chuckled. The sound rumbled through his chest and into hers. It sent a jolt of electricity through her and she relished the familiar response.
“I’ve miss you too, sweetie,” he replied endearingly as he ran his hands up and down her back in a soothing manner. After remaining like that for some time, he finally stepped out of her embrace and she looked at him questioningly.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, confused. He simply shook his head.
“I just wanted to see our baby,” he replied. She had forgotten about the baby in her happiness of seeing him.
“How did you know?” she asked as her hand immediately cupped the small roundness of her belly.
“There are a lot of things I know, Emma, but won’t be able to tell you,” he replied and she wondered at the cryptic words he spoke. “Now let me see our baby,” he said, once more coming closer to her. He reached out a hand as if to touch her belly and she waited with anticipation, but then his hands bypassed her tummy and he was looking with loving eyes at something by her side. She turned her confused eyes in the direction of his hand and gasped when she saw a sandy brown- haired boy with blue eyes staring up at her.
“Mama,” the little boy said as he happily stared at her. Emma’s hands went to cover her mouth in shock and she looked from the little boy, who was an exact replica of his father, to Josef and then back t
o him.
“This is our son, Emma,” he confirmed. “Or rather this will be your son.”
“But how…” she started in confusion, but Josef rose and placed a finger against her lips, silencing her.
“God wants you to know that He understands what you are feeling and he also wanted to give you a glimpse into your future.”
“Will you be there?” she asked hopefully and for the first time since she came to this place she saw a shadow of sadness cross his eyes.
“You know I won’t be there, Emma, but I will always be near – in your memories and thoughts.” His words caused the sadness that had been held at bay by his presence to slowly seep back in and he held her face up to his.
“Don’t be sad my love,” he implored. “It is all in God’s will and I need you to continue living. You need to open your heart to the possibility of finding love again…” Before he could finish she was shaking her head defiantly.
“I will never love anyone else, Josef,” she said passionately.
He gave her a tender smile before replying, “The heart is a complicated organ. In times of grief it shuts itself off from anything that it deems a threat. Your heart sees love as a threat, but I am asking you to open it up and let it love. You will not truly be happy until you open it to love again,” he told her. “If not for yourself do it for me. I want you to always be happy.”
At this point, the tears rolled down her cheeks unattended as her husband implored her to move on.
“I can’t be happy without you, Josef,” she sobbed.
“You can,” he encouraged her lovingly before pulling her into his arms for another embrace and allowing her to release her sorrow. When she was finished he pulled away once more. He reached out a hand and ran it down her cheek before he leaned forward.
“Goodbye, my love,” he whispered against her lips before kissing her softly – and then he was gone.
“Goodbye, my love,” she repeated into the wind before she woke from the dream with tear stained cheeks.
