“That doesn’t make any sense.” I didn’t understand. How could anyone have heard of Denna when she was disguised as Lia the maidservant? “Are you sure you’ve asked everyone who is an option?”
Alek looked at me like I was a smear of manure on his shoe. “I’ve only had one afternoon, and I don’t have as many connections here as I used to.”
“We completely understand,” Denna said. “I so very much appreciate you asking them.”
“I’ve also asked around at the salle, but most of the warriors training there have weaker gifts and were trained at home,” Alek said. “A lot of people choose to master either the sword or magic, not both.”
“I want to do both, too,” Fadeyka declared.
“Well, you’re on the right track, spending every afternoon in the salle.” Alek took a sip of his wine. “Build the muscle memory now and it will still be there even if you have to devote several years to a magic apprenticeship.”
I couldn’t decide whether the patience and encouragement he had for Fadeyka were charming or annoying. At least that confirmed where Alek was spending his time. I recalled him telling the Sonnenbornes he planned to spend his afternoons in the salle, and apparently he’d followed through on that. Perhaps I could catch all three of them there—if I could find some excuse to be there without it seeming suspicious.
“It’s more interesting with you there,” Fadeyka said. “You let me spar with people other than Kerrick.”
“A fighter needs to know how to battle more than one opponent,” Alek said.
“Why take up the sword at all if you have magic on your side?” I asked. I understood why Wymund had done it, given that his Affinity wasn’t very strong. But even without knowing much about magic, I knew that bridge Alek had built to help us escape the Tamers was no small feat.
“Mother says he took up the sword in earnest after failing guardian training,” Fadeyka helpfully supplied.
“Your mother only knows her side of the story and only tells the parts that suit her,” Alek said sourly. “My father was a bladesmith in his youth. I took up sword work a long time before my magic or my manifest. And I quit guardian training. I didn’t fail.”
“Why?” Fadeyka asked.
“It’s not important,” Alek said. “Besides, Lia’s training is the problem at hand.”
“Is there anyone else at court who might have helpful connections to find Lia an apprenticeship?” I asked.
“With the queen’s claim on her, I doubt it.” Alek knocked back the last of his wine.
“Claim?” A jolt of alarm went through me. I looked at Denna, whose wide-eyed look of guilt and fear scared me even more. “What is he talking about?”
“There’s something I didn’t tell you about yesterday,” Denna said, her voice shaky with nerves. “When Laurenna took me for questioning, the Nightswift delivered me to the queen.”
“What?” I couldn’t believe she hadn’t told me. Finding out thanks to an offhand comment from Alek felt like a slap. I thought we trusted each other.
“She offered me training—in Corovja,” Denna said.
Fadeyka’s eyes widened. “As one of the elites?”
Denna nodded. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to burden you before the tea this morning. I talked to Alek right away, hoping he’d be able to find a local placement, or at least some options to choose from.”
Now I was the one with a stomach turned inside out. If other people were refusing to take Denna as an apprentice, I had no doubt the queen was behind it. If she’d hand-selected Denna as one of her trainees, of course she’d remove all other options but for Denna to accompany her to Corovja.
“Were you even going to tell me?” I asked, standing up. I didn’t want to have the rest of this conversation in Alek’s presence. I wasn’t honestly sure I wanted to have it at all.
“Of course, but there’s been no time.” Denna followed me to the door as I stormed out and down the stairs without even bidding farewell to Alek and Fadeyka.
“Let’s talk about this back at the merchants’ hall,” I said, for once heeding the curious glances of servants and nobles alike as we passed back through the foyer of the building. It wouldn’t look good to have a fight with my supposed handmaiden in the middle of one of the Winter Court’s largest residences.
When we got back to the merchants’ hall, Denna shut the door to our room so softly and in such contrast to my feelings that I almost wanted to walk back over to it and slam it. Instead I paced restlessly in front of the windows.
“You said there was no time to tell me, but we had last night. We had this afternoon.” She had to understand how it felt that she’d withheld something so significant from me.
“Last night I hurt you.” Her voice was small. “How could I tell you the queen wanted to take me to Corovja after that? What if you wanted me to go?”
“Of course I don’t want you to go!” Had she gone mad? Even if I hadn’t been wildly in love with her, there was no way I could survive the Winter Court without her. Today’s meeting hadn’t been a complete disaster, but it also hadn’t been particularly productive as far as getting help taking back Zephyr Landing or starting talks about an alliance. Laurenna and Zhari barely seemed to believe me that Mynaria wasn’t somehow to blame for Sonnenborne attacking Duvey.
“Then I’ll find a way to get training here. Maybe after the queen leaves, after it’s clear I’m not going, someone will be willing to take me.” She took a tentative step closer.
“There are no guarantees of that,” I said. “And what if they won’t? You’re going to just run around here with your magic out of control, blowing up buildings?”
Denna froze. “You know I wouldn’t.” Her voice was soft and wounded.
“How can you be sure?” So many things had happened that were beyond her control. Perhaps she’d meant to call down the stars to save me from Kriantz, but had she meant to destroy that wall in Duvey with a storm of fire? I knew she hadn’t meant to burn me.
She blinked back tears. “I’m doing the best I can.”
Guilt ached in my chest. “I know you are, but I still need you to be honest with me. I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me about meeting the queen or about her offer. Gods, I hate this place.” I slumped onto the chaise. “I wish we’d never come here.”
“We came here because of me,” Denna said, her lip trembling. “Because of my Affinity.”
“Well, I wish you didn’t have it. I wish it could be taken away.” I wanted a simple life with the girl I loved, not to play political games and worry that the person I loved most in the world was going to burn me if I kissed her too passionately.
“You can’t wish away the parts of me you don’t like,” Denna said, her voice stronger. She came closer, standing between me and the window. “Do you even know what you’re saying? It’s like you’re asking me to cut off a limb because it would make things easier for you.”
“That’s not what I meant,” I said. Wanting things to be easier didn’t mean I wanted her to be someone else or to hurt herself to make my life better.
“Isn’t it?” she asked, her voice rising. “Would you be happier living our lives together with me always pretending to be your maid, even though this isn’t who I am, or who I was raised to be?”
“No, of course not. I just want you to be safe. I want us to be safe. Nothing about living with magic all around is safe!” I begged her to understand.
“It seems to work out fine for everyone in this kingdom,” she said.
“Sure, and the throne is taken in bloody combat and the queen brags about tearing out the hearts of her challengers. Perfectly ordinary and safe,” I said, making no effort to hide my sarcasm.
“It’s not safe for me to hurt you, either!” she said.
“So the answer is going to Corovja and putting an entire kingdom between us?” I asked.
“I’m not going to leave you!” Denna said, her voice impassioned. “Can you just let me be
who I’m meant to be?”
Somehow, her declaration stung instead of comforting me. Was her insistence that she wasn’t going to leave supposed to make it better that she’d hidden things from me?
“Maybe you should go,” I said, and regretted the words the moment I uttered them.
Denna looked as though I’d struck her, and her eyes filled with tears. “That isn’t what I want, but I will if it’s what you do.”
“All I want is an ordinary life for us together,” I said.
“What’s an ordinary life?” she asked. “We were both royalty. Our lives were never destined to be ordinary or small.”
It struck me for the first time that I’d never asked Denna exactly how she pictured our future together beyond the silly fantasies we joked about.
“Then what, you go to Corovja for training and become a bloodthirsty Zumordan overlord like the rest of these people?” I asked.
“Or I could work hard in training and earn my choice of apprenticeships and ask to be placed back here with Zhari so I’m close to you. If you want that.”
My throat tightened. As upset as I was, the thought of losing her was unbearable. We’d had so little time together. What was I going to do without her to guide me, to help me, to make sure I didn’t offend the other half of the court or get myself killed? I’d barely even begun to explore the Winter Court, and I couldn’t imagine navigating it without her by my side.
I finally risked a look at her face. The fear in her eyes crushed me, but I didn’t know whether she was more afraid to stay here or to go to Corovja.
“You have to do what’s right for you,” I finally said. “What I want doesn’t matter. It never has.” My whole life, my family had always tried to bend me into a different shape than the one I’d chosen for myself. I couldn’t do that to Denna, even if it broke my heart.
TWELVE
Dennaleia
AFTER OUR ARGUMENT, MARE SPENT SO LONG AT THE stables that I fell into a fitful sleep on the chaise, tormented by her words and my own thoughts. She wanted me to stay small and tame. Maybe that version of me was the one she’d fallen in love with, but my magic wouldn’t allow me to continue to be that person. If I stayed in Kartasha and tried to, I was bound to fail without the proper training, and the best potential mentors in Kartasha had already rejected me. Every day would be another chance for me to hurt Mare again. That left me only one option.
Short on sleep and long on fear, I dressed in the predawn darkness and stuffed a few books Alek had given me into my travel bag. Mare slept soundly as I crept quietly through the room and finally settled at the vanity with a piece of parchment and a writing implement. Part of me hoped she would wake up and stop me—pull the pen from my hand before I even dipped it in the ink, kiss my fingers as she had so many times before, tell me she was sorry and that she loved me and that we could find a way to make things work. But it would only make things harder.
I dipped the pen in the ink and began to write.
Mare,
You won’t like the choice I’ve made, but I hope you’ll try to understand. The only path forward I can see for us together right now holds both of us back. Like Alek said, the queen’s claim would make it impossible for me to find an apprenticeship in Kartasha. You said that what you wanted didn’t matter—of course it does. It’s the only thing that matters to me. So if you want to be safe, and you want me to be safe, I have to leave. If I can’t keep you safe from those who would harm you—worse, if I’m the source of that harm—I don’t deserve a place by your side.
I’ve accepted the queen’s offer to train in Corovja. Please take care of yourself and your kingdom. When we meet again, I hope it will be as equals, and I hope you will forgive me for the distance I’ve put between us.
All my love,
D
My throat constricted so that I could barely get out the breath necessary to blow the ink dry. I left the note on the vanity and gathered my few things with shaking hands, blinking back tears as I stood at the door and looked at Mare one last time. She lay on her side with her hair spread out over the pillow, and my fingers clenched reflexively at the thought of its soft mahogany waves. I wished I could take a map of her freckles with me, a reminder of the stars that had guided me here and that I had hoped I would never leave behind. My memories would be a poor substitute for the reality of her kisses. Every muscle in my body wanted to cross the room and curl up beside her. Instead, I forced one foot in front of the other to exit the room and then the building.
Outside, I huddled beneath an archway in the courtyard after sending a page to deliver my acceptance to the queen. The wind blew in short gusts, biting my cheeks and chilling me to the bone. The queen’s caravan, while modest in size, still took up most of the courtyard, and servants scuttled back and forth, packing the last of the supplies for the journey to Corovja under the watchful eyes of a number of the queen’s Nightswifts. Some of them hovered around the caravan in human form while others circled overhead as birds.
At the center of the chaos, a great barge waited. It hovered above the ground with seemingly nothing but air to hold it up. There were no wheels, just a smooth underside that curled up in the front like a sleigh. Intricate woodwork in dark mahogany decorated the exterior. Behind it, several smaller sleds waited, also floating above the ground. If I hadn’t been so preoccupied, I might have gaped in wonder. I had never seen anything like them.
An imposing black-haired figure appeared in my peripheral vision, boots clomping over the cobblestones, and I recognized Karina, the captain of the Nightswifts. Behind her, the queen swept into the courtyard in her white cloak, casting a glance in my direction. A small smile danced over her ruby lips before she turned away and disappeared through a door in the side of the largest barge. Karina continued toward me, stopping a few paces away.
“Lia,” she said, “time to go.”
Fear twisted in my belly, and for just a moment, I considered backing out. How could I leave Mare, after everything that had happened? We had fled Lyrra so that we could be together. But the memory of her burned flesh filled my mind, the way my hand had branded her and the pain in her eyes each time she had to change the poultice. I’d thought I could protect her. Instead, I’d hurt her. I could have killed her. No matter how much it hurt to leave, I had to go.
I followed Karina past the queen’s barge to the smaller one just behind it, which was made of the same rich mahogany, but not quite as ornate. The footman pulled open the door and said, “Your bag, miss?” reaching for my small leather satchel. My hand tightened around the strap.
“I’ll keep it with me. Thank you,” I said, and climbed into the barge. The inside was pillowed with soft white cushioning. Feeling intimidated and alone, I settled into a seat.
Three trainees sat across from me, a girl and a boy in green travel cloaks a few shades lighter than mine, both with dark curly hair and striking aquiline profiles, and another boy dressed in faded black from head to toe. The only other passenger was a sandy-haired man in a Nightswift uniform who leaned against the window on the right-hand side of my bench, eyes closed, snoring softly.
When the footman shut the door, the noise of the court abruptly cut off. We began to move, drifting across the courtyard, slowly at first but picking up speed as the caravan approached the gates, our barge moving so smoothly that it could have been gliding across ice. A prickle came over my skin, making the numb places on my arms ache. Hidden beneath my cloak, my hands twisted together in my lap, and I clenched my jaw as tightly as I could, trying to shove the magic away.
“You’re the fire user, right?” the boy in green asked in Zumordan. There was a sharpness to his expression that made me wary.
“Yes. I’m Lia,” I introduced myself, trying to regain what little composure I had.
“Eryk,” he said. “This is my sister, Evie.” He gestured to the girl also wearing green.
“Were you acquired through Zhari’s program as well?” Evie asked, her expression friendly an
d curious.
“Don’t tell people that,” Eryk admonished his sister. “Our rank has changed now that we’ve been chosen.”
I shook my head. “Were all of you?”
“Not me,” the boy in black said. “Tristan.” He extended his hand and I shook it, hoping I performed the gesture correctly. As a maid, I’d barely had to introduce myself to anyone, and as a princess, everything had been far more formal—no one ever would have touched me except another royal. His grip was warm and strong.
“How did you get selected?” I asked Tristan, my curiosity getting the best of me. I knew better than to judge people by appearances, but his disheveled looks were a sharp contrast to Eryk, who was groomed to fit in with nobles, and Evie, whose simpler look was equally as tidy as her brother’s.
“My Affinity isn’t very common,” Tristan said. “Most of the bigger magic schools are in Kartasha, but when I came down to enroll in one, the headmaster turned me over to the queen. What’s your story?”
“Same thing,” I lied, “though I don’t think my gift is very rare.” It was close enough to the truth.
“Fire Affinities are quite common,” Eryk said, the disdain in his voice clear.
“Did you see that the others have private sleds?” Evie asked the group, her eyes wide.
“They should have put us all together,” Eryk, looking sulky.
“Just because we were selected doesn’t suddenly make us nobles,” Evie said.
“It might someday,” Eryk retorted.
Tristan and I exchanged a glance and shrugged. Worry crept down my spine. I wondered what they would think if they knew who I’d been in my old life.
I detached myself from the conversation and stared out the window, scarcely able to take in the scenery. Mare’s words haunted me—that she wished my magic would disappear, that what she wanted didn’t matter. Of course what she wanted mattered; that was why it hurt so much that she wanted me to be something I couldn’t be. I knew I’d done the right thing by leaving, and I’d known it was going to hurt. I just couldn’t have imagined how much.
Of Ice and Shadows Page 14
