by Lori Wilde
“Aren’t you even going to pump my gas for me?” Mandy called to Joshua. Her eyes were busy taking in his muscular arms and flat stomach. “You’re not going to make me do it, are you? I don’t even know how.”
There was an awkward silence. Hailey started to get out of the Jeep. “Don’t you do it, Hailey Jane,” Joshua muttered. “Don’t you dare do it.”
“But they’re helpless,” she said, sitting back. “At least let me explain how it works.”
He threw his hands in the air.
“It’s really easy,” she told Mandy. “Pop your gas cap first. The lever’s on your left side down by your feet. Then slide your card in the machine, put the nozzle in your tank, and squeeze the handle.”
Hailey heard Joshua’s low chuckle. As they pulled out of the station, he tapped the horn and waved to Mandy and her friends.
“That was epic,” he said. “Did you see the look on her face?”
“I don’t know,” Hailey said, gazing back at them wistfully. “Mandy’s the kind of girl I always wanted to be in high school. She’s beautiful. She dresses well. She knows how to be a girl.”
“Don’t even think that,” Joshua said. “First of all, she’s a girl, and you’re a woman. Second, there’s a big difference between being beautiful, like you, and having the money to dress well, like she has.”
“Yeah, but—”
When Joshua looked at Hailey his dark eyes were somber, but they had a twinkle in their depths. “If you were Mandy, I wouldn’t be this in love with you.”
Chapter Six
After dropping Hailey off, Joshua took the back roads home. He wanted to relive the entire evening again. Fireflies flickered inside the culverts and against the dark screen of the trees along the way. Above him, the sky was awash with a thousand stars.
When he came home to visit, he liked to stay in the converted carriage house on Loving Ranch. He enjoyed the privacy away from his parents and the fact that there was plenty of room for his buddies. Trip was probably there right now, waiting for him, if he hadn’t already crashed at some girl’s apartment. Maybe they could grab a few beers, and Joshua could talk to him about Hailey.
Life was going great right now. He felt so happy, so sure he was on the right path. As far as he was concerned, running into Mandy again only confirmed it. Mandy was a reminder of whom he might have been if he had chosen a different path. One of the reasons he and Mandy had broken up was because she refused point-blank to go out with someone who had no intention of joining the country club. Forget it, she’d told him. If I wanted to waste my time socializing with poor people, I’d go out with Tanner Deacon.
Now Tanner was dead, and no amount of wishing would bring him back again. He’d only been a few years older than Joshua, but they’d hung out and knocked back a couple of beers. Joshua liked to think Tanner would have approved of his dating Hailey again, but he still wished Tanner were here. It would have saved her a lot of heartache.
To enter Loving Ranch from the back meant having to get out and open the gates, which was a pain in the ass. With the bug-filled high beams of his Jeep lighting the way, Joshua dragged the iron gate to one side, drove in, and then dragged the gate closed again. The road here was dark and rutted. His headlights rocked drunkenly across dirt and trees, sometimes picking up the glinting eyes of animals.
But when he pulled in front of the carriage house and saw who was waiting for him outside, his happiness deserted him. It was his mom, his dad, and Trip—who looked as though he were secretly and urgently trying to wave him away.
Joshua parked the Jeep. He sat for a minute, thinking.
They must have found out he was dating Hailey again. And although he’d made no attempt to hide that fact, he hadn’t exactly been advertising it either. His plan had been to wait till the right time, when his dad wasn’t popping blood pressure medication and his mom wasn’t nursing a vodka tonic. Well, so much for that.
Joshua got down from the Jeep. Whatever happened, he told himself firmly, he could handle it.
“Dude . . .” Trip’s expression clearly said he’d been ambushed in the driveway and forced to cough up the truth.
“Trip, why don’t you wait for me inside?” Joshua said.
Trip wasted no time retreating to the carriage house, his feet crunching loudly over the gravel. He shut the door.
Joshua stuck his hands in his pockets and gazed over at his parents, who were clearly furious. “Well, let’s hear it.”
“Not here.” His dad jerked his chin toward the main house. “Inside.”
Joshua followed his parents up the back steps into the kitchen. Longhorn skulls festooned the far wall, a tribute to their family’s cattle-ranching history. If Joshua had fallen in line the way his parents wanted him to—hell, the way Mandy wanted him to—he’d be hanging on that wall right now, same as all the rest of those lifeless things.
“I’m sure you want to talk about Hailey,” Joshua said, grabbing a stool by the kitchen island and pulling it under him. “And we can talk all you want. I’m okay with that. But I just want you to know it’s not going to make any difference. I never stopped loving Hailey. If she’ll have me, I plan to marry her.”
His mom wrapped her fingers around a half-empty highball glass she must have left on the counter. She took a big swallow and studied the floor. Joe paced behind her. Two tiny veins as familiar to Joshua as they were to all members of the family throbbed in his dad’s temples. “You’re twenty-two years old,” Joe said. “You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. Why do you want to tie yourself down now?”
“Because I love her. You and Mom were even younger when you got married.”
“Times were different then,” his dad insisted. “Men got drafted and went to war. You had to get married, especially if you wanted to . . .” His face turned bright red.
“Have sex?” Joshua said the word gently because he knew his parents were so uncomfortable with it. “Times are different. But that’s why you should be happy for me. I don’t want to marry Hailey for the sex. I want to marry her because she’s the one.”
His mom clacked down the glass harder than she probably meant to. “But the Deacons, Joshua? Seriously? Do you even care that her brother worked as a janitor at the high school? Or that she’s a gas station attendant?”
Oh, here we go. His mom would never let go of her pretensions. That Mayflower thing was a stench that never went away. “I don’t care,” Joshua replied. “And I have something else to tell you that you won’t like.”
His parents looked up at him. Tense. Angry. Waiting.
“I’m not going into medicine,” he said. “I’ve decided to become a veterinarian.”
His mom buried her face in her hands, but his dad pounded a fist on the table. “I absolutely forbid it! I’ve got to draw the line somewhere with you two. First Savannah and now—no, I won’t let you. Not happening, buddy. We talked about this already, and you agreed!”
The heaviness of those words weighed on Joshua. It felt as though he had no future, that he’d be stuck forever doing work he didn’t love, marrying a woman who wasn’t Hailey, and having kids he’d do the same damn things to as his parents were doing to him. Another generation of rich, damaged Lovings. He wanted so badly to ask his father for help with these problems, but his father was the problem. Joshua tried hard to swallow over the lump in his throat. In a way, their roles had reversed. He was the calm adult, and his dad was the irrational toddler.
Four years ago, he’d done what his dad had told him to do. Now, he was free for the first time—free to follow his heart, fall on his ass, whatever life threw at him. “I did things your way, Dad. Remember? With Hailey, you said to wait, and I waited. With school, you said to go into pre-med, and I went into pre-med. But I won’t pretend anymore. And if you can’t accept that, I’m afraid you and Mom are destined to be very unhappy.”
His mother was noisily weeping. Savannah would have rolled her eyes at the drama. She’d been smart to take off. He
was the idiot who tried doing things the “right” way, and now he was getting the full Martyr Marion treatment.
“I blame your Uncle Tom,” she sobbed, casting blame on the black sheep Loving whose Ducati Savannah had used for her getaway. “The minute he showed up, everything went to pieces.”
“It’s not Uncle Tom’s fault. He had nothing to do with this. Savannah and I . . .” Joshua dragged one hand behind his neck, hunting for the right words. “I guess we’re both just as strong-minded as you two. And when it comes to love, we’re going to follow our hearts.”
“See how far that gets you,” his mom said with a bitterness that surprised him.
“I look at Hailey, and I see the rest of my life,” he said simply. Kissing her every morning before he drove off to work. Hearing her laugh at his dumb jokes. Chuckling at her heartfelt but adorably tone-deaf warbling in the shower. “Maybe someday you’ll be able to see it. But if not, that’s your choice. I’ve already made mine.”
“Well, I’m not letting you throw your whole damn life away!” his dad bellowed.
“You don’t even know Hailey,” Joshua said heatedly. “You couldn’t be bothered to get to know her.”
His dad marched to the door, yanked it open, and then stood stiffly beside it. His eyes glittered with a self-righteous indignation that Joshua had seen before, but never directed at him. Yet instead of bullying him into submission, his father’s anger left Joshua heartbroken.
What kind of man turned his back on his only son?
“If you can’t be reasoned with, Joshua, then you aren’t welcome here,” his dad said. “Maybe when you don’t have your family to turn to, you’ll begin to appreciate what we’ve given you.”
Joshua had sensed where this was going, but nothing had prepared him for the shock of actually seeing it unfold. His mother wouldn’t meet his eye. Was she really going to let this happen? There was a hollow of cold, aching loss in the pit of his stomach as he got to his feet. “Dad . . . ?”
His dad held the door open more emphatically.
With a heavy heart, Joshua glanced at the wall with all the longhorn skulls on it. He took in the huge country kitchen, all the gleaming chrome and black-veined marble, where his family had spent so many happy mornings. He saw his mother staring blindly at her empty glass.
“Good-bye,” he said.
The door closed behind him. His dad flipped the lock. A terrible finality hung in the silence.
Joshua had known being booted out by his family was a price he might have to pay for taking his life back.
Now he would pay it.
* * *
Crickets chirped sleepily in the bushes as Joshua took one last look around Loving Ranch. How many hours had he ridden Blackie, his big quarter horse, over these lush, rolling acres? How many long summer days of his childhood had he spent rambling through the woods and looking for frogs?
Now, there was no telling when he’d see his home again.
His eyes burned with tears he didn’t want anyone to see, especially Trip, who of course came bounding out of the carriage house, a duffel bag in his hand. Joshua’s own duffel bag. At least now, Joshua thought dully, he wouldn’t have to go through the whole sad process of packing it.
“Dude, I had no idea they were going to go all royal family on you,” Trip said, loyally pretending not to see that Joshua was falling apart, but doing a crappy job of concealing the anxious concern on his face. “I mean, I knew they had it out for your girl, but damn . . . They’re making you leave?”
Joshua shouldered his duffel bag and blinked back the tears. You could always count on Trip to listen to stuff that was none of his business. He’d probably been lurking beneath the breakfast room window for the whole wonderful show. “Guess so,” Joshua said.
“Where will you go?” Trip asked him.
“Hailey’s, I suppose. Look, I’m really sorry about this. You’re welcome to stay, if you want to. My folks aren’t kicking you out.”
Trip plunged one hand through his shaggy hair. “Nah. I got me a sweet deal with Hailey’s friend Sam. You remember. The blonde? She was coming to get me anyway, so I’ll just wait till she shows up.”
Joshua walked to the Jeep and threw his duffel in the back. “I’d tell you to have fun, but I already know you will.”
Frowning, Trip stood in front of the Jeep with his hands in his pockets. “So this is it for you then? No more babes and brews? No more picking up chicks in the quad?”
“That was always more your thing than mine.” Remembering Trip’s failed attempts to lure coeds back to the dorm, Joshua could almost smile. But it felt as though that part of his life was a hundred years ago. Now things weren’t so easy anymore. And Trip probably sensed, just as Joshua did, that there would be no returning to those freewheeling single days.
You have to grow up at some point, Joshua reflected. Being single wasn’t for him. If he had to be honest, it never had been. And how much of a wuss did admitting that turn him into? He didn’t care. He just felt so damn relieved.
He gave one last look around. All he’d ever wanted was a family, a real family, the kind that had your back. What life had given him instead was money, more money, status, and the kind of deal where someone else got to change his channel.
“See you back in Austin,” Joshua said. “Call me if you get in trouble. I mean, when you get in trouble.”
Chapter Seven
Hailey refluffed her pillow and then buried her head in it again, unable to sleep. The sheers at her bedroom window shone ghostly pale in the moonlight. A half dozen cats lay purring by her feet.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Joshua. That she was still wildly in love with him was obvious, even to her. But it all seemed too much, too soon, especially for two people who tended to lose their minds around each other.
You’ve been living rent-free, Sam had told her earlier on the phone.
What’s that mean? Hailey had asked her.
It’s when you’re always dreaming about someone, but you don’t have to put up with the irritating reality of having him or her around on a daily basis.
But she already knew all about Joshua’s “reality,” Hailey thought. And Lord help him, he knew hers. She’d never shown her soft, naked underbelly to anyone the way she had the summer they started dating—her darkness, her loneliness. But Joshua had confided in her about his own loneliness, what it was like growing up Loving. The way she had it figured, they both had the same issues, just different childhoods.
Still, she didn’t want to rush anything. Joshua was so openhearted and sure of what he wanted; he rarely felt her same need for caution.
You can have a heart or a fortress, Grams told her once. But you can’t have both.
Hailey punched her pillow again. Why didn’t brains come with an off switch? No wonder she couldn’t sleep.
She heard a noise outside and sat up. It sounded like someone calling to her. She stopped fighting her pillow to listen. Her heart pounded as she went to her balcony. Joshua stood in the moon-drenched garden below, a duffel slung over his shoulder. He looked like something out of a dream.
“What are you doing here?” she called down to him. Had he come back to finish what they’d started? Her pulse heated up at the thought. Her everything heated up at the thought. She was stupidly happy to see him.
“I didn’t want to knock on the door and wake your Grams,” he said. “Is it okay if I come up?”
“Meet me around front.” Hailey raced downstairs, careful not to wake Grams, but knowing how pointless it was to try to be quiet because Grams was going to raise one eyebrow at her over breakfast anyway.
By the time Hailey opened the door, Joshua was already standing there. He came inside and swept her up in his arms. As always, she had to stand on her tiptoes to meet his lips. His were warm and passionate, which brought her to an instant boil. All her worries about moving too fast and “living rent-free” were drowned in a surge of liquid heat. The feel of his stubble against t
he softness of her lips, her fingertips, her cheeks, sent jolts of need spiraling through her bloodstream.
Now all she could think about was getting him upstairs.
“Did I wake you?” he asked. “I know it’s late. But . . . wait. What are you not wearing?” He held her away from him, giving her a leisurely once-over that sent a shiver of pleasure through her.
“It’s just a T-shirt and panties,” she answered shyly.
“I’m about to show you how much I like you in a T-shirt and panties.” Joshua lifted her up, and she wrapped her legs around his waist. With his big hands supporting her from the bottom, he carried her through the dark house, up the stairs, and to her room. The bedroom door closed with a soft click, and suddenly an entire world of possibilities opened before them.
He dropped the duffel bag and then fell with her on the bed, bracing his weight on his elbows. With her legs locked around him, she could feel his excitement. It left her in no doubt of what he wanted.
With agonizing slowness, he skimmed a hand up the side of one breast. It lingered there, tracing her from the outside of her T-shirt. The slower he circled, the harder she bit her lip to keep from moaning out loud. He pushed against her, and she clung to him, panting.
She couldn’t get enough of him. Of this. How had she gone without him at all? She was greedy for him. She had to drain this cup before life snatched it away from her again.
But one thing she knew for sure. There was no use fighting it anymore.
I love you, she thought as he pressed his lips against her tingling flesh. Joshua wasn’t afraid like she was, shy like she was. He wore his heart on his sleeve.
Actually, in a lot of places.
He groaned and pulled her closer, hungrier now, obviously determined to have his way. She would have given him anything he asked for; it didn’t matter. She knew it was stupid, but didn’t care. Nothing mattered except feeling him inside her.
She was hardly even conscious of relief when he reached into his duffel for protection. His fingers visibly trembled as he tore it open. Impatiently, she watched him roll it on while she wriggled out of her panties.
