“Are the girls all right?”
“Yes, of course! They’re down in town, at a party for one of their friends.”
“Then what do you need?”
He sighed. “It would be easier if I could come inside.”
Don’t you know you’re killing me? She opened the door and stepped to one side, arms crossed.
He closed the door behind him, rubbing his hands together and stomping the snow from his boots. Then he looked at her, his dark eyes sorrowful. “I’ve hurt you when I was supposed to help you. I’m sorry.”
“I’m fine.”
“It’s not your fault my girls tend to get attached too easily. Probably, it’s my fault.”
“Happens a lot, does it?” The moment she said it, she wished she could take it back. But she’d thought her connection with his girls was at least a little special.
“No,” he said slowly. “They do tend to enjoy being around women, and to cling to their teachers. But the way they’ve latched onto you...no, it’s never happened before, quite like this. They’ve grown so fond of you that they want to make it permanent. In fact, they’re quite annoyed with me that I don’t see the light.”
She waved a hand. “Kids.”
He blew out a breath. “I’m botching this apology. I think you’re a very appealing woman—you can probably tell—and if things were different, I’d—”
“Don’t, Carson. There’s no need. I’m not interested in a relationship.” She looked away, not wanting to see the relief on his face. “Anyway,” she said, “it’s nice of you to check on me, but I’m fine. I have coping mechanisms.” She gestured toward the open laptop computer, the fire, the dog.
His eyes skimmed from one to the next, and then to her face. “Give me ten minutes to talk with you and I promise I’ll get out of your hair.”
There seemed to be no other option, unless she wanted to be outright rude. She gestured toward the couch and sat in the armchair kitty-corner from it. “Something to drink?” politeness made her ask.
He waved the offer away. “What made you take in Bella?” he asked.
“I wanted to help.” She slid to the floor and reached out to run a hand along the dog’s bony back. Bella thumped her tail and licked Lily’s hand, and Lily’s heart twisted.
“She needs help, from the looks of things.”
Okay, she could spend their ten minutes talking about Bella. It was probably better that way. “According to Jack,” she said, “Bella was tied to a tree for years. You can see how worn away the fur is around her neck. And she has tumors from never having been spayed. She needs to regain strength before she can have surgery to have them removed. I figured, at least for the couple more days I’m here, I can give her some extra attention and love.”
He looked from her to the dog and back again. “You put me to shame,” he said quietly. “Here I’ve resisted getting a dog, and you’re not even in the area for but a few days, and yet you’re reaching out to an animal that needs care. I admire you for that.”
She felt her cheeks heat at the unaccustomed praise. “I get as much out of it as Bella does. Right, girl? You’re good company.” Bella was keeping her from over-the-top sadness about how she’d started to fall in love with the idea of family, represented by Carson and his girls, an idea she was pretty sure she’d never get to realize herself.
“So,” he asked, his voice sounding falsely cheerful, “you were in touch with Jack about this? Is that how you came to take the dog in?”
She looked up at him, confused by the tension in his voice. “Yes. Is that against the rules?”
“No. No, of course not.” He shook his head and then rested his cheek on his clasped fists, leaning forward, staring out the window. “Jack’s a good guy.”
Lily felt her eyebrows draw together as she tried to puzzle out what Carson was saying and what he really meant. If she hadn’t known better, she’d have thought he was jealous of her having contact with Jack. But that didn’t make sense on any level.
“Listen, Lily,” he said, “I’ve been remiss. I’m a pastor, and Penny wanted me to talk to you about your, well, your issues with the war and maybe even other stuff in your past. She didn’t want me to tell you she’d put me up to it, but I let that slip, so I might as well be open about it now.”
This again. Nothing like making her feel even more screwed up than she was. “You don’t need to do that. I’m fine. Really. The military has good counselors, and I’ve taken advantage of that when I’ve needed to.”
“Why do you think Penny wanted me to talk to you, then?”
Lily shrugged, but she knew, and as long as she’d given Carson ten minutes, she might as well tell him just to pass the time. “Penny is my mom’s sister. She knows my mom wasn’t the strongest person in the world, and that my dad has...issues.”
“What kind of issues?”
“He’s an alcoholic. Nowadays, he’s addicted to opiates, too.” The simple words choked her a little, surprisingly, and she clamped her mouth shut.
“That must be hard to deal with,” Carson said.
She nodded and drew in a breath. “Sometimes.”
“Like at Christmas?” he probed. “Where are your parents now?”
Lily cleared her throat. “Well, Mom, she...she passed away last year. My dad’s in the Kansas City area, I think. Last I heard.”
“You’re not in touch?”
She shook her head. “Not much.” Then, to cover up how guilty she felt about that, she shot him a glare. “Are you judging me? Believe me, I’ve tried to help him at various times, even though he made my mom’s life a nightmare, and even though all he wants from me is money for booze and drugs. He won’t admit he has a problem, though, and until he does—”
Carson held up a hand. “Whoa. I didn’t mean to accuse you of anything. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with all of that, and the last thing I would do is judge you. You’ve built a fine life for yourself.”
Lily looked briefly around the cabin. “Yeah, with a stray dog and nowhere to go on Christmas. Some life.” The bitter sound of her own voice shocked her and she clapped a hand over her mouth. “I didn’t mean that! I have a lot of good things going for me.”
“You’re a kind person who’s trying to improve her lot in life by getting a degree, and you still have room in your heart to help others,” he said quietly. “In my book, that’s a fine life.”
She shrugged. “We all do what we have to do.” She wanted to add a compliment to him—that he’d lost his wife and was managing to do a lot of good in the world despite that tragedy—but she was afraid it would come out wrong.
And she didn’t want to bring up the subject of Pam.
“You never fell into drinking or drugging yourself?” His voice sounded elaborately casual.
She raised both hands like stop signs. “I didn’t say that. I made my share of mistakes.” Remembering some of her escapades, during her teen years and even her early twenties, made her blush and shake her head. “I was a wild child. That’s why Pam and I...” She trailed off. Why had she brought up Pam?
“Why you partied together?” Carson didn’t sound disapproving.
Lily hesitated, then nodded. “I’m not proud of the way we acted, Carson. I wasn’t comfortable with it even back then. And now that I know better, I’m even more ashamed.”
“There’s no condemnation in Christ,” he said lightly. “Did she talk about our marriage?”
Lily blew out a sigh. Carson was obviously obsessed with finding out exactly how Pam had felt about him at the time of her death. How was she supposed to handle this? “A little.”
“Did she tell you we had problems?”
She’d told Lily that Carson was an abusive husband, but that was obviously a lie.
What had been Pam’s agenda, with all the lying?
Bella, bless her
, chose that moment to stand up, her limbs shaky, and limp toward the cabin door. “I have to help her.” Lily hurried across the cabin to open the door, and then she guided Bella down the steps. “Take your time,” she muttered to the dog. Maybe Carson would forget his question.
After a moment, Carson came out the door and stood on the porch. “I guess I had my ten minutes and more,” he said.
“Yeah.” Lily forced a little laugh. “I should get back to work on my online course.”
“I understand.” He trotted down the porch steps and then stopped beside her. “Listen, Lily, I was wrong, and rude, to tell you to stay away. While you’re up here, you’re welcome to spend time with me and the girls.”
She shook her head quickly. “I don’t want them to get attached to me. I’m only staying a couple of days longer.”
“I’ll talk to them,” he said firmly. “It’ll be a good lesson for them, and...and pleasant for all of us, if you’d care to spend time together. As friends,” he added quickly.
“Right,” she said. “Friends.”
* * *
Later that afternoon, Carson accepted Long John’s offer of a hammer and nails and headed outside to continue the work on the cabin’s porch.
His girls stayed inside the cabin with Long John...and Lily.
Carson blew out a sigh. He’d had a serious conversation with the girls over lunch, reminded them that Lily was a friend, not a potential new mother. Explained that if they kept making her uncomfortable by talking about her joining their family, she wouldn’t be able to hang around with them.
They’d hastily agreed not to bring it up, said they understood, but Carson had his doubts. Still, when they’d seen Lily walking Bella outside, he’d allowed them to go out and say hello. It turned out they’d begged her to bring the big dog to Long John’s to meet Rockette when they went over to visit. They’d developed a fantasy that the two dogs could be best friends.
Oh, well. It was better than the fantasy that Lily could be their mom.
Better than his own fantasy that Lily could be some kind of romantic partner to him.
He ran his hands over the ramp, inspecting the spot that had broken. If he could just shore it up with a couple of two-by-fours, it wouldn’t look perfect, but it would be safe. Safe, at least, for now.
He was measuring boards when his phone buzzed. He checked the lock screen and smiled.
Finn Gallagher was the ranch manager and was fast becoming one of Carson’s good friends; in fact, in November, Carson had performed the marriage ceremony for Finn and his new wife, Kayla. The two had gone through a lot, both separately and together, but now they were deliriously happy, and so was Kayla’s son, Leo, who’d found a true father figure in Finn.
“How’s the south?” he greeted Finn, and they talked for a little while about Kayla’s friends whom they’d visited before Christmas, and Finn’s big family of brothers, with whom they’d stayed for the holiday itself. Apparently, Leo was having the time of his life with his new cousins, and the family had even welcomed Shoney, their blind and deaf cocker spaniel, as an honored visitor.
“So how’s the ranch?” Finn asked, and Carson was able to report that the dogs were fine, that he was fixing Long John’s porch and that his girls were keeping the older man company.
“Is that other guest doing okay?”
“Lily? Yeah.”
“Great.” Finn didn’t pursue the subject; obviously, he wasn’t in the gossip circuit.
Which, perversely, made Carson want to confide. “She’s an...interesting woman.”
“Oh?”
“My girls have really taken to her.”
“That’s good,” Finn said, “because from what I’ve heard, it sounds like Pam wasn’t really there for them. Or for you.”
Finn’s words, so blunt and matter-of-fact, echoed oddly in Carson’s ears.
He’d spent so much time beating himself up about being a bad husband that he hadn’t really considered Pam’s adequacy as a wife and mother. And that was okay; it was good to be nonjudgmental, right?
But he had to admit that Finn was right. Pam had spent most of her time overseas, even after the girls were born. Especially after the girls were born, even when she’d had the option to take a job stateside.
She’d had many great qualities, but she hadn’t been enthusiastic about motherhood.
Nor about being a wife.
And while he could blame himself for the latter, he could never blame his lovable girls for their mother’s lack of interest. They’d done nothing to deserve her neglect.
A tiny voice inside him whispered that maybe, just maybe, he hadn’t deserved that, either. Maybe her lack of interest in him and the girls had more to do with her issues than with Carson’s inadequacies.
“You still there?” Finn asked. “Hey, I shouldn’t have said that. Sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. You might have a point.”
And Carson had some more thinking to do. They talked a little longer, and then Finn rang off, saying he’d see Carson in a few days.
And that reminded Carson that this interlude alone on the ranch, with Long John and Lily and the girls, would come to an end. They’d be back into their busy lifestyles. Lily would be gone.
The thought brought a big bank of mental black clouds, so he was grateful to hear Long John thumping out of the house, using his walker to get to the porch.
“Haven’t made much progress, have you?” Long John asked, ragging him. “You getting paid by the hour or something?”
“If I could have some...” Carson broke off. He’d been about to make a joke about how it would be nice to have some help, but Long John just wasn’t able.
The older man seemed to know what Carson was going to say. “Believe me, I’d help if I could. I hate being all crippled up.”
“I know you would. You do a lot for me, including watching out for the girls. Are they okay?”
“Having a lot of fun with Lily and the dogs.” Long John paused. “You know, you and I both have some problems in the past, but I think it’s about time we tried to overcome ’em.”
“Yeah?” Carson stayed focused on leveling a board and sliding it into place.
“Yeah. You need to get over that wife of yours. Face the truth about her. Deal with it.”
Not again.
Long John was right, and Finn was right. Carson had things to work on. But he didn’t necessarily want the older man’s advice right now.
He focused on the other man. “I know what problems I have. What about you?”
Long John leaned a little closer. “Truth is, I’d like to ask someone out, but with my limitations...” He waved a hand at his walker.
“Is it Penny? I don’t know that you should pursue her.” Carson knew that both Long John and his friend Willie had a good-natured rivalry about the woman who owned the ranch. “She’s still hung up on what happened with her husband. I don’t think she’s ready.”
“I know that. That’s not who I meant.”
“Who, then?” He grinned. “Minnie Patton?”
Long John snorted. “She does make a fine tuna fish casserole, but no. Close, though.”
Then Carson remembered. “Minnie’s sister?” Long John had seemed to enjoy chatting with her.
Long John rubbed his grizzled chin and nodded. “Yep. She’s a real sweet woman.”
“I think you should do it. Ask her out. What can you lose?”
“I could ask you the same question,” Long John said, neatly turning the tables. “You have some limitations yourself, but why let the past ruin the present for you?”
Carson didn’t want to talk about Pam. “I’m not the most exciting man on the block,” he said. And then he remembered Finn’s off-the-cuff remarks about Pam. Maybe the lack of fun had been more about her restlessness than a personal trait o
f his.
“You need to deal with your past,” Long John said. “Really face what happened with your wife and in your marriage.”
Carson nodded. “You’re probably right.”
“That young woman in there might need just exactly what you have to offer,” Long John said. “Maybe she’s what your girls need, too. The good Lord works in mysterious ways.”
“It’s possible,” Carson said. Then, figuring he had enough deep stuff to think about, he changed the subject.
They chatted easily about sports, the weather, fishing.
Until suddenly, there was growling, barking and a loud cry from inside the cabin.
Chapter Ten
At the sound of dogs snarling and girls screaming, Lily spun from Long John’s refrigerator, where she’d been getting drinks for the twins. She ran toward the sitting area as the door opened from outside.
Rockette and Bella stood stiffly, several feet apart, Bella gulping down a treat, Rockette growling.
Behind them, both twins wailed.
“What happened?” Lily cried, running to Skye as Carson burst through the door and ran to Sunny.
“Bella bit me!” Sunny sobbed, clutching her hand to her chest. “Daddy, she bit me!”
Carson pulled Sunny into his lap. “Did you see what happened?” he asked Lily.
Lily shook her head, feeling two inches tall. “I’m so sorry. I was getting them something to drink.” What had she been thinking, leaving two little ones alone with two big dogs? “I’m so sorry, I should have been watching them more closely. Skye, honey, are you okay?”
“I am, but Sunny’s not,” Skye sobbed.
“Let me see your hand,” Carson said, his head bent over Sunny, cuddling her close.
Sunny held it out, and they all leaned forward to see...nothing. “Where does it hurt, honey?” Long John had come in behind Carson, and now he sat down on the edge of his recliner to better see the damage, or non-damage.
Sunny pointed to a spot on her hand, and when Lily leaned forward, she saw a tiny speck of pink. No broken skin. Relief bloomed in her chest.
The Twins' Family Christmas (Redemption Ranch Book 2) Page 11
