by Amanda Aksel
His eyes lit up. “You’re good too, Marin.”
I grabbed him and kissed him like it was the last time, because I was sure it would be. When we came up for air he smirked. “We should say bye more often.” I let out a little laugh and waved him goodbye.
Back inside the apartment, I felt a surge of butterflies. Even though it would end soon, I allowed myself to feel the new, pleasant sensation. Then, there was a knock at the door. My heart jumped. No doubt it was James returning for another goodbye kiss. I opened the door.
“Holly?”
I almost didn’t recognize her. She was thinner than I had ever seen. Her skin had a beautiful dark hue and her brown hair was wild with natural curls. We stared at each other, almost like strangers. Then, she smiled.
“Is it really you?” I asked.
She nodded and I embraced her in the biggest hug I could muster, pulling back to get another look at her, and then hugging her again. We giggled like little girls. I invited her inside and she followed with several pieces of luggage.
“What are you doing back so early?” I asked.
She leaned into the couch as if she hadn’t rested in days. “We finished the initiative early, so I came home.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to surprise you. Plus, I didn’t really know until a couple of days ago.”
She spent the next forty-five minutes telling me the details of her expedition in Thailand. She told me about her team that worked the initiative, the people of the country, the amazing food, fascinating culture, and extremely cheap Thai massages. She brought me several souvenirs; beautiful woven Thai pants that were cut like capris, Buddhist beads, and a stone carved elephant pendant. I thanked her for the thoughtful gifts and continued to beam at her. So much of my time had been occupied with my endeavor with James that I hadn’t realized how much I truly missed Holly.
“So I need a big favor,” she said.
“Anything,” I said.
“My apartment’s being sublet until next month, and I need a place to stay. Would you mind if I stayed here?”
“Of course not,” I said, excited by the opportunity to make up our lost time. She let out a sigh of relief.
“Good, I wasn’t sure if you would mind since you have a new boyfriend and everything.” My heart skipped a beat, and I paused to make sure I heard her right. What did she know about my boyfriend? James’ name hadn’t come up once since she walked through my door.
“Don’t play dumb.” She smiled. “I know you’re dating James Young.” My puzzled gaze turned horrified.
“How do you know that?” I asked.
“Rachel told me. She sent an email about a month ago updating me on everything that’s been going on. That was one of the BIG updates.” She threw up her hands for emphasis on the word big. “So, is it real or is he your experiment boyfriend?”
My eyes hit the floor weighed down by a mix of shame and sadness. It was more than enough to answer her question.
“Oh no, Marin, you didn’t. With James?” She was clearly disappointed. I put my head down, not knowing what to say or how to defend myself.
“What happened?” she asked.
“Nothing. He hasn’t fallen for any of my traps and he won’t. James is, for all intents and purposes, a faithful man. I’m going to end it.” It hurt more to say aloud.
“Why?” Holly asked, which surprised me. I figured she would want me to let him go as soon as possible.
“Because real relationships should be built on honesty and trust. Ours has neither.”
“But what if you came clean and started fresh?”
I just shook my head. “I think that would be worse. He has his own trust issues. The only valid choice I have is to make a clean break.”
“When?”
“As soon as I can figure out how.” The idea of having to break things off with James made me dizzy. What would I say? What reasons would I give him? Holly sighed and patted my shoulder.
“Well, at least wait until after Saturday,” she said.
“Why?”
“Rachel’s throwing me a welcome home party and you’re all coming.” I moaned in my grief. Saturday was almost a week away. I needed to wipe my hands of the whole thing immediately.
Over the next week, I avoided James using made up, reasonable reasons. It had been successful until Friday night when he made a surprise visit. I was drinking margaritas and playing penny poker with the girls.
“Hey, Marin,” he said with a big goofy smile on his face as I invited him in. He looked at Holly and Telly, and I could tell he suddenly felt intrusive, which he was.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize you had company.”
“It’s okay. We’re having a girl’s night.”
Telly waved. “Hi, James!” He returned her greeting. Holly greeted him with a hug.
“It’s good to see you, James.”
“Wow, Holly, I almost didn’t recognize you. How are you?”
“I’m doing great,” she said smiling, then she looked at me for a second. Her face was all smiles, but her eyes were saying I can’t believe you did this with my brother-in-law’s best friend. It was the first time I had seen James since our weekend getaway. Being so close to James and Holly at the same time unnerved me, like I was about to get caught doing something bad.
“I’m gonna head out. I don’t want to interrupt . . . ” He lifted his head to get a better look at the table. “Penny cards or anything.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to stay? We could turn this into strip poker,” Telly said with a playful smirk.
He seemed to consider it for a moment. “It’s okay. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” The girls wished him goodbye, and I walked James to his car. The moment we were totally alone, he grabbed me and kissed me like he hadn’t seen me in years.
“I missed you so much,” he whispered.
“I’ve missed you too.” Which was true. Evidently, I wasn’t the only one to feel the shift in our relationship. James appeared to have turned his own page. Unfortunately, we were not on the same page, not even in the same book really. I thought about our time together a lot over the course of the week and secretly wished we were a normal couple, but knew I would not be able to take back what I had done. There would be no clean slate, no do-overs. It wouldn’t be long before I would be faced with breaking his heart, so I tried not to indulge his affection too much. Instead, I sent him home with an innocent goodbye kiss.
The next evening, James and I arrived promptly at Rachel and David’s townhouse. Holly was already eating spinach dip and crostinis and enjoying a glass of wine. We joined them in the living room, and Holly regaled us with stories from Thailand. Everyone listened quietly, engaged in the details and fascinated by her experience. I had already heard the story but was still enthralled. In the middle of her tale, James grabbed my hand tightly and kissed it. He gave me a warm, loving smile that melted my heart like a campfire marshmallow. I tried to return it but could feel the space between us become greater. And in that moment, I longed for it to be real between us. My nose tingled and I knew a tear was close behind. So I got up for another glass of wine to avoid an onslaught of tears. A moment later, there was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it!” I called out to the living room. On the other side of the door, I found a gloomy looking Telly holding two bottles of wine.
“Hey,” I said.
“This is for the party.” She handed me one bottle. “And this is for me.” She raised the other.
“What happened?” I asked as she walked passed me into the kitchen to open her personal bottle of spirits.
“I broke up with Will.”
“Oh, my God. Why?”
Telly poured herself a glass and downed it. “I’m not a relationship person, and it started to feel too much like a commitment.”
“But I thought you said he was the love of your life?” Since day one, I had been hoping for Telly and Will to separate. I should hav
e been thrilled, but instead it baffled me.
“He is, but we don’t do well when we’re in a relationship. That’s why we always break up. I wanted to end it before it got too hard.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.” She sighed. “It’s Holly’s night so let’s not talk about it anymore.”
Telly wasn’t being thoughtful to Holly. It was her best excuse to avoid talking about her feelings, especially when they had been hurt. I agreed to keep quiet and she plastered a pleasant smile on her face.
Everyone greeted her warmly, and I watched as she downed glass after glass of wine. Her voice became louder and louder, and she became a little too flirtatious with David.
“Dinner should be just about ready,” Rachel announced as she checked her watch and went into the kitchen. We made our way to their dining room, elegantly set with tiered place settings of wedding china and silverware. She even created place cards for each of us. Telly snatched Will’s place card and tore it to pieces.
“Everything okay, Telly?” Holly asked.
Telly looked up urgently. “Yeah, everything’s fine.”
Rachel brought out a beautifully roasted chicken, greens, fresh bread, salad, and a few other deliciously scented sides. The elaborate spread looked tasty, but with all the stress of planning to break up with James, I wasn’t hungry. The new wife and cook beamed at the success of her beautiful dinner party as we enjoyed the feast.
The doorbell rang. Rachel’s eyes widened and her face lost its color.
“Who’s that?” David asked with a full mouth of food.
“Not sure,” Rachel said and cautiously stood up to leave the room. The group continued to converse in her absence. Minutes later, she returned face red and wet with tears.
David rose to his feet. “What’s wrong?”
This alarmed the whole group. We had no idea what could have happened. Then, I noticed the brown envelope in Rachel’s hand with a small pile of papers and prayed that it wasn’t a Man Test failure report.
“You son of a bitch!” Rachel yelled at David. “This is what’s wrong.” She pushed the papers and photographs against David’s chest. He glanced down at them and lifted his face to reveal a horrified expression.
“You slept with that girl, and you didn’t even know her.”
“It didn’t mean anything,” David said.
“Kind of like our marriage. How could you do this? We’ve only been married for five months.”
“Rachel, I’m sorry,” David said and rushed over to her. She shoved him away.
“Don’t touch me!” she yelled. “I can’t even look at you right now.” Rachel crossed her arms over her stomach and left the house. David started to follow her, but I pulled him back.
“David,” I said, “let her have her space, okay?”
He reluctantly stopped. “I can’t just do nothing.”
“Listen,” I said firmly. His eyes followed Rachel. “You have to trust me on this. I deal with this a lot. Just give her some space.”
David sat down with his head in his hands. Holly ran outside after her. I followed. There was no sign of her.
Holly turned to me with the fiercest anger I had ever seen from her. “No, Marin,” she yelled.
I stopped short. “I can help.”
“You’ve done enough,” Holly said. “I don’t know how, but I know you had something to do with this. What did you do, Marin? Is this one of the tricks you pulled on James? Did you set David up and send Rachel the results?”
“No, of course not,” I said, but felt a surge of heat from the guilt. It was my fault. I told Rachel about the Man Test service, but I never thought she would really use it.
Holly shook her head. “Just because you’re miserable and heartbroken doesn’t mean you have the right to bring everyone else down with you. You really messed up this time.”
I felt compelled to give her some perspective. “You think this is my fault? No matter what led up to it, David cheated. I didn’t make him do that. I tried to tell you. Men are liars and cheaters. I’m sorry that it happened to Rachel and you need someone to blame, but this isn’t my fault.”
Holly looked stunned. “Don’t act so righteous. Maybe you didn’t cheat on James, but you’ve certainly deceived him. What you did is just as bad, worse even. You took advantage of some poor guy, setting him up to prove a point. God, Marin! James is a great guy. He’s the perfect guy, and even though I asked you not to, you went ahead and played your little game. And what did it get you? Nothing. You couldn't catch James cheating because he wasn't cheating. You had a good thing and you ruined it, and you potentially ruined my sister’s marriage. So no Marin, you're not coming with me. You're done.”
My head swam with her harsh words. Holly had never been so angry, especially not toward me. Maybe I couldn’t expose James, but David exposed himself, which proved that I was right. I couldn’t help but reaffirm my belief about all men being liars and cheaters. And why wouldn’t I? After all, I worked with it, had been a victim of it, and here it was again rearing its ugly, but honest, head. Even though it was a painful truth, it was a truth, and that made me feel justified.
“You and Chad aren’t as different as I thought,” Holly said. Her words sent a cold shiver up my spine. She rushed away to find Rachel.
“Marin,” James said.
Shit . . .
I turned around. Surely, he’d heard everything.
“Is that true? Was this whole thing a set up?” he asked. Part of me felt guilty, but the other part wanted to stick it to him for what David did.
“Yes. It’s true,” I said. His eyes widened with shock.
“Why?” he asked. “Why would you do that?”
“Because you’re all the same. All that stuff about fidelity and trust, it’s all bullshit.” I could feel my body quiver from a surge of adrenaline.
“What are you talking about?”
“Maybe you’re not cheating on me now, but what happens when we’re together for ten years, twenty years?” It was a valid point that I hadn’t considered much before with James’ recurring fidelity.
“I don’t know. You seem to have all the answers.” He paused and glared at me. Neither of us not wanted to back down though we secretly wanted it not to be true. “You believe what you want, but you don’t get to play the victim. You’re the one being deceitful. You’re the liar,” James said matter-of-factly. He slammed the car door and sped off.
I covered my face with my hands and hunched down sick—sick with anger, sick with guilt, sick with sadness and uncertainty. Tears started, but I forced them back. I refused to fall apart on the sidewalk in front of the house of a cheater and his heartbroken wife.
Telly ran to my side.
“Are you okay?” she asked. I didn’t know how to answer her, so I didn’t. “Marin?” she said with a nudge. Slowly, I unburied my head from my hands and looked upon her worried face.
“Are you okay?” she asked again.
“Can you just take me home?” I sighed. She nodded and helped me up. What an awful mess I’ve made.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Everyone Hates Marin
I paced around my apartment all night waiting for Holly to come home or at least return my calls. By six in the morning, I gave up and went to sleep. When I awoke around eleven, she still had not come back. My body ached with fatigue, but my mind raced. I poured myself a cup of chamomile tea before returning to bed. Every thought tightened the knots in my stomach. It took everything I had not to leave my apartment and search for Holly and Rachel. Both were incredibly hurt for all kinds of reasons, some my fault, some not. I knew it was better to keep my distance. Let them be. Still, it left me with unsettled feelings that made my skin itchy. Feelings of restlessness, righteousness, guilt, sadness, and relief filled me simultaneously.
I had to be patient, and since I had the whole day to be patient, it was time to do a little reflecting, analyzing, and psychoanalyzing. I was a therapist after
all. It was the array of mixed emotions that attributed to my annoying unsettled feeling. I made the attempt to divide and conquer. My guilt and sadness only ran as deep as my friendships with Holly and Rachel, which were pretty significant. Terrible, what happened to Rachel. I had no idea she enlisted the Man Test service. In all fairness, I warned her not to go looking for trouble unless she was prepared to deal with her findings. She knew perfectly well what she was getting into. Though her little heart was shattered, she’d eventually be able to put back the pieces, like I had, and move forward.
I didn’t think she blamed me for what happened, but Holly definitely did. In her mind I subliminally put Rachel into a dangerous situation in which there was no way out. She would probably say it was the “law of attraction” or something. I put the idea of a cheating man into Rachel’s subconscious and in turn her husband cheated on her. Of course, I thought that was absolutely insane. Otherwise, why didn’t I attract a cheating man? Counting Anderson I guess I did, but none of that mattered anymore.
Holly was angry, angry with me for following my instincts on something critical. Okay, so what? We disagreed, but the fact that she was displeased with me was too much. It was her discontentment that left me the most unsettled, restless, sad, and guilty. How could I make her understand? I had to wonder, was she partly upset because she knew I was right? This brought me to my strongest feeling—righteousness.
Maybe what I did wasn’t exactly up to moral code, but the results spoke for themselves. Given the right opportunity, men are extremely likely to cheat. It was horrible that Rachel had to learn the hard way, especially after making a life long commitment. David was just one example. There are so many men who do the same thing, make the same shitty decision.
I had to admit that it irritated me that James hadn’t stepped out of the confines of our “relationship,” but he was probably just somewhat sensitive to infidelity given that he too had been on the other end. Like I’d told him, what were the chances that he’d remain faithful after ten, twenty, or thirty years? My prediction? Unlikely. Not that I would ever get the chance to know for sure anyway. James and I were over, which brought me to my last emotion—relief. I hadn’t pictured our breakup going quite like it had, but somehow I was freed. James knew the truth and so did I. Wasn’t that the point? The reason I’d done it all? Wasn’t that what I wanted?
