by Koboah, A D
He was silent for a few moments and just stared at me, appearing perplexed.
“I fear I am talking far too much, Luna, for you seem...bored?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. I felt completely bereft. All of this would soon be taken away from me: the love, respect, and quiet joy I had basked in this past month. Most of all, I would miss him constantly misreading my expressions.
“I is bored,” I said and stood. I did not look to see his reaction to my heartless words. “And all this food be getting cold. I’s gonna go upstairs for a minute, you go on and start without me.”
I walked to the drawing room door and then faced him. “And, Avery.” He looked up at me hopefully. “Don’t you never tell me you loves me. ’Cause you don’t!”
I gave him another “bored” look, which would have looked suspiciously like a glare to anyone else, before I stormed out of the room.
Once in the hallway, I clamped my hand over my mouth to try and stifle my moans. There was no stopping the tears now and I ran away from the drawing room as fast as I could. But even when I entered the room I had come to view as mine, I couldn’t let go as I would have liked to in case Avery picked up the sound of my sobs.
So, crying silently, I took off my dress and pulled out the fancy ones Avery had left for me on my first day here. I chose the red one and also put on the ruby necklace that had captivated me so on that warm dusty morning. When I glanced at my reflection, I saw the beautiful woman so many others saw whenever they looked at me. I saw sadness and dejection in her eyes and in the way her shoulders seemed to droop forward slightly. She carried an unnatural burden, the burden of a female slave not easily lifted.
When I re-entered the drawing room, Avery was sitting at the table staring forlornly at his hands. His face lit up when he saw me in the red gown and he got to his feet immediately, smiling sadly as I moved to the table. Then he surprised me by bowing.
“Luna. Why, you look as you should. You look like a queen,” he said when he straightened.
I fought the tears that tried to return at his words and curtsied awkwardly, which seemed to delight him. He pulled out a chair for me and I sat down whilst he took a seat opposite.
The meal was a largely silent one. It seemed he had lost all interest in the food (as had I) but he still took a bite out of everything. Sometimes he said he could taste some of the ingredients. At other times I had to describe the taste and texture as I had done on that first night with him. But for the most part he would gaze at me with that bereft look in his eyes whilst I did my best not to look at him or let my turmoil show.
After our solemn meal, we stayed in the drawing room for a while and I read aloud to him. But even that was too hard for me, so at around 11.30 p.m., I stood up.
“I’s gonna go on up to bed. Tomorrow’s gonna be a long day.”
He made as if to speak but then merely nodded, his face a study in sorrow.
“You...you ain’t gonna go nowhere tonight, is you?” I asked anxiously.
“No, I will stay here until it is time to wake you.”
I nodded, grateful for that small mercy.
“Luna.”
I spun round hoping that he was going to tell me he had changed his mind and that we would find some other way to save Mama. I at least hoped he would ask me to stay with him during these last few hours we had together. But he said none of those things.
“You have nothing to fear when you return to the plantation. Everything has been taken care of. Even if your old Master were to try and go back on his word, he cannot for he signed a legal contract giving you your freedom. I would never let him anyway, and neither would your mother.”
I merely stared at him for a few moments then left the room.
Once upstairs, I sat in the soft light cast by a single candle and wept softly. The longer I sat there thinking, the more distraught I became, until raw panic began to set in. It felt as if I was falling, falling, falling, with no end to this hideous plummet.
I couldn’t let him leave me.
I got up and moved to the bedroom door.
When I entered the drawing room he was standing at the window with his back to me. His hands were resting on the window sill, his head bowed and his shoulders hunched. I’m sure he heard me enter but he didn’t move as I came to stand directly behind him.
For a moment I felt uncertainty overwhelm me and considered turning around and leaving him in the shadowy silence of the drawing room. The step, the leap I was attempting to make was maybe one too far. If I did this, if I committed myself to him, I would be choosing to turn my back on God. And I didn’t know if I could trust him, for I had seen so many Negroes put their trust, and at times their lives, into the hands of whites, only to be betrayed. Perhaps that is what the dreams had been trying to show me.
But as much as I wanted to turn around and go back upstairs, I couldn’t envisage any kind of life without Avery. I would die if he left me.
Hesitating for only a fraction of a second, I closed the space between us, lay my head against his back and wrapped my arms around him. He stiffened for a moment, then relaxed into me, his hands coming up to clasp mine tightly as I held him.
Please don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me, I said over and over again, hoping he had maybe forgotten his promise and was listening to my thoughts.
When he pulled away and faced me, I thought for a moment that he had heard that desperate plea. But the years of despair that had lived in him before he found me were laid bare for me to see and I felt myself die a little inside. Slowly, as if expecting me to resist him, he pulled me gently into his arms and held me close, resting his chin on the top of my head. Nestled in his arms with my head against his chest, I felt safe and secure.
“I promise, I will not let anything happen to you, Luna,” he said. “I will die to protect you, so do not be afraid of what awaits you at the plantation.”
I pulled away and looked up at him, struggling to find the courage to say what my soul demanded. The seconds passed and he stared at me, growing increasingly concerned as I stood struggling to even draw a breath.
“Luna?” he said softly, placing his hands on my shoulders. “What is it?”
Feeling as if the opportunity to change the course of my destiny was slipping away but desperate to at least show him how I felt, I reached up on tiptoe and kissed him. At first he was so surprised that he merely stood there. Then I felt his arms around me and he kissed me back with a fierceness that surprised me. That’s when I realised the extent to which he had held back during his time with me, how well he had hidden his desire. It was all there in that kiss, decades of longing and a passion that had me trembling in anticipation under the gentle pressure of his cool soft lips. But all too soon he pulled away.
Staring at me intently, he softly traced his thumb across my lips whilst cupping the back of my neck with his other hand.
“What are you thinking?” he whispered. “Tell me what you are thinking, Luna.”
There was a slight air of desperation in his voice and an intensity in his eyes that spoke of so much pain that I couldn’t bear to see it.
“I’s thinking of you, Avery. Only you,” I said.
It seemed he wasn’t satisfied with that answer and he made as if to speak, but I stopped him by placing my fingertips against his mouth.
“Take me upstairs,” I whispered.
When he didn’t respond I pulled his head down into another kiss, a long slow smouldering kiss that left me gasping when he pulled away. I clung to him as the room rushed in on us before pushing back and then it was swept away and we were left standing in the candlelit red velvet bedroom. He kissed me again as I pressed myself against him, tugging away his cravat and undoing the buttons of his shirt. He loosened the fastenings on my dress, slowly pulling it down over my hips and onto the floor. For a few moments he stood there gazing at my nakedness with some raw emotion I couldn’t identify. Then he reached out and traced his fingers across my face as if I were s
ome rare and precious jewel. Kissing me again, he pulled me down on the bed, his lips eventually leaving mine to travel down my neck, each kiss sending frissons of molten ecstasy as he caressed me.
Never before had I been touched like this. Never before had my body, which had always been a tool for others’ enjoyment and gain, been used to give me so much pleasure. And it frightened me because I was completely caught in this dark web of desire as he explored every inch of me with his mouth, his touch like icy flames that threatened to devour me whole.
He stood up and removed his clothes. The sight of him naked before me left me completely breathless. The soft light of the candle danced across his muscular chest, which tapered to a narrow waist and strong powerful legs. I moved to him and he gathered me in his arms, kissing me with a fervour that left no doubt about the urgency of his desire as he picked me up and lowered me onto the bed.
But as his weight pinned me and he positioned himself to enter me, I recalled that ugly feeling when trapped beneath Master Henry and then Master John, like a moth slowly being smothered under a fingertip. I tensed, squeezing my eyes shut and my arms fell away from him to my sides. I balled my hands into fists as I lay there bracing myself for the inevitable assault.
He noticed the change immediately and grew still. I could feel him staring at me but I couldn’t bring myself to open my eyes, and for one horrifying moment I was in that dream again, frightened that when I did look at him, I would find myself staring at Master John. When I eventually opened my eyes, Avery was looking at me with such a sad, sweet expression that I almost burst into tears.
This is Avery, I said to myself as he reached for the fist at my side and brought it to his mouth, bestowing a soft kiss against my knuckles. This is Avery, I told myself again as he gently uncurled my fingers, entwining them in his. I grasped them, and realised that he had been expecting something like this.
I felt the tension leave me as he kissed me gently on the nose. I sought his lips again, needing to find solace in those sweet kisses, letting him know that the moment of terror had passed and that I wanted him more than anything on this Earth. When he slowly eased himself into me, I cried out, welcoming the pain, which bloomed for a few moments before being swiftly replaced with pleasure. Time seemed to stop as we gave ourselves to this primal dance only lovers know, and it felt as if we were caught at the heart of dark sensual waves. And just when I thought that the force of those waves would overwhelm me, a soft explosion below left me weak and quivering in its wake.
He came a few moments later, and when he made to withdraw, I held onto him, unwilling to break the bond of flesh that joined us in that moment. I lay beneath him, my arms clasped tightly around him, soaking in the aftermath of our lovemaking and the soft sweet kisses he lavished on my face and neck.
To my delight, I felt him hardening within me a few minutes later but instead of continuing in the same position, he picked me up and flipped over onto his back so that I was sitting astride him, enabling me to control the rhythm and pace of our lovemaking whilst his hands travelled over me, frequently returning to knead my tender breasts. I had never even conceived that this much bliss was possible. Everything ceased to exist but Avery and the world of pleasure in which we were suspended. The resulting explosion was even more intense than the last and left me reeling in delicious spasms of ecstasy.
I lay in his arms, basking in what had been the culmination of a love and friendship that was sure to last an eternity and the last thing I heard as I slowly succumbed to sleep was Avery whispering “I love you” as he tenderly smoothed back my hair.
It was the perfect end to a perfect night.
***
When I woke up it was still dark outside and the candle had burned down to nothing, letting darkness steal in. Feeling slightly cold, I shifted to my left, expecting to fold myself into Avery’s arms, but there was only an empty space beside me.
“I am here, Luna.”
I peered into the gloom in the direction of his voice and saw him sitting in the chair by the window, nearly hidden by the shadows in the room. I began to smile, but then felt a stirring of alarm when I saw that he was dressed and had one hand beneath his chin as if he had been deep in thought. He stood up slowly and moved to the bed where he stood gazing at me for a few seconds. I was unable to read his expression in the dark.
“It is still early but I wanted to speak to you before we leave,” he said as he sat down on the bed.
Before we leave? He was still planning on taking me back to the plantation?
I sat up, pulling the sheets around me as something within me shrivelled up and died. I didn’t move when he cupped my face in both hands and kissed me on the forehead. Now that he was closer, I could make out his expression. He appeared shaken and upset. Feeling as if my world was disintegrating all around me, I couldn’t understand why he appeared to be so distraught.
“Luna. I need to know why you let me make love to you,” he whispered.
As much as I tried to still my emotions and not let my anger and dejection break through, I found that I couldn’t stop the tears from welling up. He had been inside my head for a whole week and had seen that my body had never been mine to give. How could he not know what he meant to me after I’d willingly chosen to give myself to him? How could he not know?
“I don’t know,” I said angrily and took his hands from my face.
“Luna, I need you to tell me,” he said, anxiety mounting in his voice. I scrambled away from him, dragging the sheets along with me.
He was already standing before me when I got to my feet and he grabbed my arms to keep me from walking past him.
“Luna, please. I need you to tell me what you were thinking about before you kissed me. I need you to tell me.”
“I says I don’t know!”
I tore myself out of his grasp and he let me go, watching helplessly as I made my way to the door, tripping over the sheet I had hastily wrapped around myself. When I got to the door I spun round and fixed him with a long lingering stare, hoping he wouldn’t be able to see the tears that had spilled over onto my cheeks.
“I don’t know why, Avery. But it be like I wasn’t in control of myself.”
It was a few seconds before he grasped what I was trying to say.
“Luna!” he gasped, clearly appalled.
Not waiting to hear anymore, I stalked out of the room.
I waited for a few minutes and when I could be sure he was no longer in the bedroom, I let myself back in. After staring at the bed for a few moments, I dried my tears and got ready to leave both my only home, and the only man I had ever loved.
Chapter Eighteen
When we left the mansion under a mantle of darkness that morning, Avery and I were silent and miserable. He had gone back to keeping a careful distance between us, something which stung after what we had shared only a few hours before. I was determined to be strong, however, so I contained my feelings and avoided meeting his bewildered, dejected gaze. Realising how much I was going to miss Julia, I asked Avery if I could ride her for part of the journey into the woods. Never one to deny me anything, he readily agreed. As I saddled her up, something he insisted on doing until a dirty look forced him back, I hid the gun under her saddle for no other reason than I was used to doing it and it made me feel secure.
When it was time to dismount and leave Julia to find her way back to the mansion, I considered asking Avery if I could take her with me. He would, of course, have said yes, but I couldn’t do that to him. Besides, Julia wouldn’t have wanted to come with me. She knew where her place was and that was with Avery. So I said goodbye to her in the tomblike darkness of the woods and we went on with our journey.
Once more in his arms as he swept me along through the dark woodland, I remembered how terrified I had been the night he had torn me away from everything I had ever known. I had been so sure I would meet death at his hands before the end of that long confusing night. Now I couldn’t imagine living without him.
“So, what you gonna do with yourself now that I’s going?” I asked, glancing anxiously up at the sun, which was now high enough to bathe his face in a soft golden glow.
“I am uncertain. I was thinking of perhaps going back to my native England. I left siblings behind when I came to America and would like to find out what happened to them and their children, my nieces and nephews. I may also decide to travel and see what else the world has to offer me.” He was silent for a few moments. “The world is open to me again but I am reluctant to leave America now.”
He looked at me meaningfully before he continued.
“I have left a few things for you in the chapel where you used to hide your Bible. I’ve left money, a copy of your freed papers, and a map that will lead you to a house quite some distance from here. I have left similar little boxes of money scattered in various locations, including the mansion, in case you should need to venture out this way again.”
We had stopped walking by this time and as he stared at me, images of various places began to flit across my mind. One was of a farmhouse, the other was a tree with dead, twisted branches, and although I had never seen it before, I knew it wasn’t that far from where we were now. I also saw a small spot behind Mama’s quarters at the Marshall plantation along with many other locations, most of which were unfamiliar to me.
“Do you see them?” he asked and I nodded. “You will remember how to get to those locations in more detail if you ever need to. I will always be near but I have taken these precautions in case you need to get away and I am not around to be of any assistance. But you do not have to worry, Luna. I will stay out of sight and never darken your future with my presence again.”
