by Heidi Lowe
She didn't call to find out where I was all day, and that delivered another blow to my ego. When I finally returned it was early evening. I found her where I'd left her, though she'd at least gotten dressed.
“I was beginning to think you'd run off with my costume. What took you so long?” She snatched it from me, didn't bother opening it, and stashed it away in her closet.
“I had a few errands of my own to run.” Looking at her was proving difficult, not just because I'd heard her cry earlier and felt guilty for listening in, but because it hurt to. It was excruciating staring at someone you had feelings for, knowing that you could never mean enough to them that their ex did. That if the impossible happened and they fell in love with you, it would be an inferior love.
“I don't remember paying you to do your own errands.”
“Do you need anything else from me?” I asked impatiently, just wanting to get the heck away from her. Every second in her company was like a punch to the gut.
“What's the rush?” She raised an eyebrow. “Hot date?”
I sighed tiredly. “No, I just want to go home.”
“Why?” She seemed genuinely surprised to hear that.
“Because after a while it gets annoying being insulted by your boss.”
Now she raised the other eyebrow. “This is the first time I've seen you today. You haven't even given me a chance to insult you. Obviously you're dealing with your own stuff right now.” She laughed cruelly. “Even Little Miss Perfect has her problems.”
Frustrated, I turned and stormed toward the door, not waiting to be excused.
“I didn't say you could leave.”
I sucked in a deep, painful breath, and twisted back round to face her. Did she realize just how close I was to snapping? “What?” I demanded.
My rage only seemed to amuse her more. “You are really hot when you're mad, you know that?” She stalked toward me, licked her lips. It was perhaps the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. And just like that I felt my anger thawing. “Why don't you come and sit on the bed with me, and tell me all about what's got you upset.”
“I'd rather not.”
She hooked a finger over the waistline of my skirt and tugged me in toward her. “You know I wasn't asking, don't you?”
“You can't make me do anything I don't want to do.”
“Who said anything about making you do something you don't want to do?” Before I knew it she had started working the buttons of my blouse open. “I can assure you everything I do to you tonight you'll welcome.” She brought her mouth to my ear, then whispered, “Now get on the bed.”
Who was going to argue with that? Not I. Nope, rational thought was impossible around this woman. My vagina only had one thought, and fleeing wasn't it.
I did as I was told, looking up at her with expectant eyes as she stood over me tugging off her T-shirt, revealing perfectly pert breasts, bra-less, nipples pointy and hard. It was my turn to lick my lips, though it was a subconscious move.
She smiled. “Seen something you like, huh?”
Yes, everything. Her whole body. I just wanted to reach out and touch her, something I had been unable to do before. I could have spent hours just exploring her nooks and crannies.
She straddled me and crashed her lips to mine, yanking my blouse off completely, while her tongue attacked mine. When she broke her lips away from me I took the opportunity to let my mouth roam across her chest, wrapping my lips hungrily around each nipple in turn. I should have been self-conscious of my lack of skills in pleasing a woman this way, but the thought didn't cross my mind. I was too busy getting lost in boobs and nipples, and having the time of my life.
“Easy now,” she said, chuckling.
“Sorry.”
“It's okay.” She stroked my face lovingly, her piercing blue eyes big and gentle. When she looked at me like that I knew I would love her forever.
We didn't waste time in stripping down to nothing, helping each other out of the clothes that stood between us. No matter how quickly we moved it didn't seem quick enough.
There was nothing impersonal about the way she made love to me that night. Nor the way she went down on me, holding my hand the whole time while her tongue stroked, circled, and pounded at my sensitive nub. Nor the way she laid me on my side and slotted herself between my legs, like a pair of scissors, lifting one leg while she ground her sex into mine, giving me that amazing sensation for a second time. One hand clasped tightly to my thigh, while the other massaged my breast, stiffening my nipple until it was hard as stone. Hearing my own cries and moans only enhanced the experience.
“I love doing this to you,” she said, and I knew she meant every word. “You feel like heaven.” I was halfway through an electrifying orgasm when she said it, and thus couldn't return the compliment.
It didn't take long for her to reach her peak, and when she did she leaned forward and planted a slow, tired kiss on my lips, breathing heavily, perspiration clinging to her forehead.
“I'll never grow tired of doing that to you,” she breathed, and we kissed again.
“And I'll never stop letting you.” Okay, so perhaps I should have at least tried to sound a little less smitten and submissive. But I was on cloud nine; nothing could bring me down from it.
She collapsed beside me, and moments later I felt her snake an arm around my waist, and press her bare breasts to my back. Was she really cuddling me? Spooning? This was the happiest day of my life!
I didn't realize I'd drifted off to sleep until I woke up a couple of hours later to an empty bed. I sat up quickly, about to call out for Autumn, and then I saw her by the window. She was still naked, her back to me.
I climbed out of bed and tiptoed across the room to her. I swept her hair to the side, wrapped my arms around her and kissed the back of her neck, loving the feel of her butt against my sex.
She gave nothing back, just stood there without reacting.
“Come back to bed. There are still so many things I want to do to you,” I said, kissing and licking her back. Her skin was salty, probably from sweat. She smelled like flowers.
Her hands unfastened my arms roughly. “You need to get your things and leave.”
“What? Why?” I clasped my arms around her again, but she shoved me away, spun around to face me.
“Get your shit and go home. I'm not asking you again.”
I couldn't believe my ears, or my eyes, which were seeing the venom in hers. The hatred. What had changed in a couple of hours that would make her so hostile toward me?
“No! I'm not going anywhere.”
Her nostrils flared. “If you don't go of your own accord, I'll throw you out.”
“How could you be like this after what we just did?”
She laughed cruelly. “What we just did? What we just did? I fucked you, like I've fucked hundreds of other women–”
“You made love to me,” I screamed. “We made love to each other.”
“I don't make love to people. I screw. So don't make it out to be something it wasn't.”
“I know exactly what it was. You think I don't see what's going on? You never sleep with women more than once. And that thing you did with me tonight, and at my parents' house, who was the last woman you did that with?”
“None of your goddamn business.”
“Nancy. It was Nancy, your first love.”
Her eyes burned into mine, her expression monstrous. She could have killed me with that look. “Don't you dare mention her name.”
“Why shouldn't I? She was the love of your life, the woman you wanted to marry, the woman you wanted to grow old with. Someone around here should talk about her once in a while. It's not healthy.”
“I'm warning you, Elle–”
“You know, Greta was right. You don't know how to be happy. You don't even want to be. Because being happy would mean moving on, getting past the pain. But you're so used to it, so consumed by self-pity that you wouldn't know where to start.” I was on a roll now,
and didn't give a shit about the consequences, which, judging from that hate-filled look in Autumn's eyes, would be dire. “I get it, you loved her, and you lost her. And that sucks. It really sucks. It's not fair, I know that too. But that's no excuse to stay like this, to stay miserable, to block everyone out.”
“I more than loved her...” This was the calm before the storm.
“Do you really think she would want you to live like this? Sleeping with any woman who smiles at you, closing your heart off and living in misery? She wasn't the only person capable of loving you. But you don't want to hear that. You'd rather push away the one person who can actually love you in spite of all the scars and bruises. In spite of the fact that you're the biggest asshole who ever walked the planet.” Tears trickled down my cheeks and wouldn't stop.
She snorted derisively. “Do you really think that if I wanted to feel that way again it would be with you? Of all the women I could have, you think I would want you? God, you're pathetic!”
Her words stung and burned, more damaging than any she had ever used in the past. I felt like I would die right there in front of her. I was wrong; Jess was wrong. She didn't have feelings for me, and never had.
“You were a piece of ass, Elle, that's it. Somewhere I could go wild, knowing I was the first and the only one.” I felt her venom pierce my skin. “You laughed at the women who wanted more from me, and look at you now. More stupid than they could ever be, actually thinking that I would love someone like you.”
Didn't she realize she'd already broken me, that she could have stopped now? I could never come back from that. She'd won.
She shook her head, scowling at me as she watched me bawl. “Now get your shit, get the hell out of my house and don't bother coming back. You're fired!”
“You can't fire me, because I quit.” I got dressed as quickly as I could, didn't care whether my skirt was on backwards or not. She watched me the whole time and didn't say anything. “My heart will heal in time,” I said as I was leaving. “But I feel sorry for you more than I do myself. You're going to be alone for the rest of your life. You'll die in solitude, and no one will care. No one!” I slammed out of the room.
FOURTEEN
“Look, Lee, are you sure you don't want to reconsider?” Cynthia sat behind her desk at the Green Pines Agency, filing her nails down with a colorful emery board and looking about as interested in this conversation as I was. “I can't promise there will be space on our books for you should you change your mind in a couple of months.”
I sat across the desk from her, fighting back the urge to laugh. If only she knew how little I cared that they wouldn't rehire me if I ever decided to return to San Francisco. But I remained civil, wanting to leave on good terms. No point burning bridges, even if those bridges had been responsible for the worst nine months of my life, and my broken heart.
“I appreciate that. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to work here.”
“What are your plans now?” She didn't sound as though she really cared.
“I have something lined up. Someone I went to school with, he's an inventor. Wants me to come PA for him back in our home town. I'll do that for a while, then see how it goes.”
She nodded, but I knew she was barely listening, more interested in shortening her nails.
“That's nice. Good. Yeah, I'm glad you have a plan.” She stood up and extended a hand, prompting me to do the same. “Well, Lee, good luck in the future.”
I shook it, said thanks again and left the Green Pines Agency, never looking back, feeling nothing but relief. My departure signified a farewell to my career as a flunkey, to Autumn, and to the city of San Francisco, even though I still had a week remaining of my stay.
“What did they say?” Jess had been working from home for the past few days, and was waiting in the kitchen when I got home that afternoon.
“Nothing. Just wished me luck. What else could they say?” I slumped into an empty chair, the table covered in paperwork. “Considering she was still calling me the wrong name, I'm sure she didn't give a crap whether I stayed or went.”
“Well I give a crap. I hate your guts for leaving me.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“But I hate that bitch a million times more.” She clenched her fist the way she did every time she spoke of That Bitch, aka Autumn Anders. “I could kill her.”
“It's not her fault I fell for her. I should have been smarter than that.” These words showed how far I'd come. Four weeks ago, after that awful night of harrowing revelations, I couldn't have said something like that. Couldn't have mentioned Autumn without welling up in tears. Now that she was out of my life, I was healing. But leaving San Francisco would be the final step toward full recovery. Being in the same city with her was still too painful.
“I would totally hit her if I ever saw her. And I'd get away with it if she ever tried to sue me.”
I laughed. “Glad to hear it.” I was still laughing when the bell rang. “I'll get it.”
My smile faded completely when I pulled the door open and saw who stood on my doorstep. I froze on the spot, staring back at the big blonde hair and the huge shades. She looked a million dollars, and I hated her for it. Why was she still so glamorous and beautiful when I'd suffered so much?
She bit her lip and eventually removed her sunglasses. Was she waiting for me to say something? Because I had nothing to say to her, though slamming the door in her face or setting my vengeful best friend on her would have made me feel good.
“I'm assuming you came here for something,” I said, hoping the shaking in my voice wasn't detectable. She could no doubt see my body trembling though.
“I did.”
I waited for her to elaborate. Watched her gulp. She looked so uncomfortable, so humble standing before me, as though I was the superstar and she was the lowly paid help.
“Well?”
“I'm not here to argue, Elle. I just... I'd like you to come back to work. I came to depend on you as an assistant. We can forget everything that happened and just go back to how it was in the beginning.”
I frowned long and hard at her, at this woman who had stamped all over my heart and had enjoyed every minute of it. Who'd made me feel worthless. Had caused me nothing but hurt. Here she was asking me to come back to work for her. I couldn't decide whether she was insane or screwing with me.
“You're out of your mind.” It wasn't meant as a mere insult, it was my genuine belief at that moment. Why else would she think any of this was okay? “What the hell would make you think I would ever want to come and work for you again, after all those horrible things you said to me?”
“I, I didn't mean them. I say things to get a rise out of people. God, you know that, Elle. You know that.”
“I don't know anything, not when it comes to you. I thought I did, but you proved me wrong. Why would I work for you? Seriously. You treated me like dirt the whole time. I think I'm worth more than that.”
“Because... I need you!” She turned away so I couldn't see her eyes, couldn't see the emotion. But I didn't need to – the words, the passion in them, were enough. “Just come back to work, all right? It will be the way it was before...before things got complicated.”
“You still don't get it, do you? I don't want things to go back to the way they were. I want you to see me for the first time, really look at me.”
“That's the problem. I saw you. I tried not to, but I did.”
“Why didn't you want to see me?”
She let out a heavy breath, her eyes cast to the floor.
“Why, Autumn?”
“Will you come back to work or not?” She wasn't going to answer. Even now, she couldn't tell me. What she didn't know was that her being here now, refusing to speak about her feelings, told me what was in her heart. Told me that I had been right about her, despite those despicable things she'd said to me four weeks ago.
“Falling in love with another person doesn't negate your love for her.”
; “Will you come back to work?”
“I'm leaving San Francisco for good next week. So the answer's no.”
She looked up again, searching my eyes for any signs of dishonesty. When she couldn't find any, she opened her mouth to say something, then closed it again. And when she did finally speak, I knew it wasn't what she wanted to say. “Well, if that's what you think is best, I have to respect your decision. I wish you well.” She turned and left, walking out of my life.
When I'd closed the door and spun round, Jess was waiting there. I ran into her arms, as tearful then as I had been the first time Autumn had broken me.
“She couldn't say it, Jess. Even though she knows I'm leaving, she still couldn't say it,” I bawled into her shoulder.
THREE MONTHS LATER
“Tomorrow I expect to see five sides on my desk. You're all adults. Don't make me give you detention.” The class laughed at the professor as they packed their things away, the lesson finished for the night.
“Looks like I'll be pulling another all-nighter,” the girl to my right said to me. Her name was Monica, and she was the first person I'd spoken to when the course started a month prior. Like me, she'd made stupid choices in her late teens/early twenties, and had taken the Business Management evening course as a way to right the wrongs in her life, also fitting it in around her day job. We'd bonded over our joint failure on the first evening.
“Tell me about it. I can't remember the last time I had a full night's sleep.” We filed out of the classroom with everyone else.
“Hey, did you want to grab a drink, you know, before we lock ourselves away from the world for the next eight hours?”
I hesitated for only a second before agreeing. Drinks with an attractive woman who, I was sure, was into me, was the perfect way to end an evening.
