REDO
When Amanda A GIRL secretly reveals to her boyfriend Josh that she’s a lesbian, he tells his brother Charles and the entire school, causing her best friends, Charity and Jessica, to help her get revenge by making him appear naked at graduation.
CLEAN
When a girl secretly reveals to her boyfriend that she’s a lesbian, he tells the entire school, causing her best friends to help her get revenge by making him appear naked at graduation.
2.
ORIGINAL
In 1943, Oliver begs his sister Diane for an intro to her hot best friend and his crush, Jean-Jean, but his pals Eddie and Irwin tell him that if he dates Jean-Jean, who’s an African American girl, his chances of becoming a draft pick will be ruined.
REDO
In 1943, Oliver A WHITE FOOTBALL STAR begs his sister Diane for an intro to her hot best friend and his crush, Jean-Jean, but his pals Eddie and Irwin tell him that if he dates Jean-Jean who’s an African American girl, his chances of becoming a draft pick will be ruined.
CLEAN
In 1943, a white football star begs his sister for an intro to her hot best friend, but his pals tell him that if he dates an African American girl, his chances of becoming a draft pick will be ruined.
3.
ORIGINAL
Asia Harlin and her friends Gigi, Iliana, and Tammy take the drugs Meryl Sanchez provides to keep thin for modeling, but when she is diagnosed by Dr. Moore with body dysmorphia, it’s a life-and-death struggle to get back to looking “normal.”
REDO
Asia Harlin A GIRL and her friends Gigi, Iliana, and Tammy take the drugs Meryl Sanchez provides to keep thin for modeling, but when she is diagnosed by Dr. Moore with body dysmorphia, it’s a life-and-death struggle to get back to looking “normal.”
CLEAN
A girl and her friends take drugs to keep thin for modeling, but when she is diagnosed with body dysmorphia, it’s a life-and-death struggle to get back to looking “normal.”
4.
ORIGINAL
Antonia Snow, a librarian, receives a children’s book collection from an unknown Aunt Eleanor and discovers there’s magic inside the volumes which must be protected or Cinderella, Glinda the Good Witch, Hansel and Gretel, and all the other “imaginary characters” will die.
REDO
Antonia Snow, a librarian, receives a children’s book collection from an unknown Aunt Eleanor and discovers there’s magic inside the volumes which must be protected or Cinderella, Glinda the Good Witch, Hansel & Gretel and all the other “imaginary characters” will die.
CLEAN
A librarian receives a children’s book collection and discovers there’s magic inside the volumes which must be protected or all the “imaginary characters” will die.
5.
ORIGINAL
Tikka the Toucan and her zoo buddies, Martin the Monkey, Ferdinand the Frog, and Egrid the Elephant are accidentally swapped with animals destined for a wilderness camp and must find a way back to their safe enclosures before Mr. Kretch, their trainer, discovers they are missing.
REDO
Tikka the A Toucan and her zoo buddies, Martin the Monkey, Ferdinand the Frog and Egrid the Elephant, are accidentally swapped with animals destined for a wilderness camp and must find a way back to their safe enclosures before Mr. Kretch, their trainer, discovers they are missing.
CLEAN
A toucan and her zoo buddies are accidentally swapped with animals destined for a wilderness camp and must find a way back to their safe enclosures before their trainer discovers they are missing.
Chapter 11
Ageism
AFTER YOU ELIMINATE NAMES IN YOUR LOGLINE, THE second thing that’s important to cut is any reference to the age of the character or characters. Why? Because this could hurt your ability to entice potential readers. For example, if someone is disinterested in reading about thirteen-year-olds, when that’s listed as the age of the character in your logline they won’t read any further. But if you say “a very young boy,” you may still get them to read the rest of your query letter and perhaps even the manuscript. Why give them a reason to pass if you don’t have to?
Before I go into any pitch with a company, I make a list of reasons why they might say no. Then I try to find ways to tackle those elements ahead of time, so by the time they hear the pitch, I’ve already removed the easy ways for them to pass on the project. Case in point: I had a project I wanted to set up with Ridley Scott’s company, Scott Free. Having met with their executive in the past, I knew they weren’t looking for any YA (young adult) material. However, I had a YA property that fit their wish list in every other way—it was sci-fi, it was grounded, it had a male lead, and it was filled with action and intrigue. So, before I sent them my logline, I removed any reference to the age of the protagonist—who was actually sixteen—and they loved the story. Subsequently, of course, I let them know that the original material had been young adult, but I then asked the author (since the book was still being written) to change the protagonist into his twenties at the request of the executive. The beauty is that the change in age didn’t affect the story at all, because the age wasn’t truly important to what was happening. Just think, this project would have never gotten past the initial query had the logline indicated that the lead was only sixteen.
Here is good example of a logline that is helped out a great deal by taking out the names and age factors:
ORIGINAL
Jacki Stavros, a 15-year-old rebel teen, decides to steer her band to the heights of New York’s punk scene at a very early age, without ever compromising, but with snark comes problems, and the teenager ends up bottoming out from drugs and alcohol.
REDO
Jacki Stavros, a 15-year-old rebel teen, decides FIGHTS to steer her band to the heights of New York’s punk scene at a very early age, without ever compromising, but with snark comes problems, and the teenager ends up bottoming out from drugs and alcohol.
CLEAN
A rebel fights to steer her band to the heights of New York’s punk scene but ends up bottoming out from drugs and alcohol.
The name, of course, was cut immediately. Then the age was chopped out, along with the note that she’s a teen, because that isn’t important for the logline. It’s not vital to this particular story. More important, this version can now appeal to a broader audience. Hearing that she fought to steer her band to the top at a very early age isn’t essential either, because the emphasis should be on her action, not the age at which she did it. The only way I might have left in the age would have been if this had taken place in a high school, because then her being fifteen would mean something to the piece. While the logline still needs quite a bit of work, you can see that just starting out by cutting the basics of name and age help immensely in terms of length, impact, and focus.
Here’s another example I worked on with a writer, in which I immediately cut out the ages of the characters:
ORIGINAL
A 40-year-old lonely gynecologist, Frederick, becomes insanely obsessed with Carolyn, his 30-year-old, already-married female patient, and stalks her until receiving counseling, from her husband.
Remember, the start is removing the names and the next step is to remove the characters’ ages. Always remind yourself of the ten dollars per word rule as well.
REDO
A 40-year-old lonely gynecologist, Frederick, becomes insanely obsessed with Carolyn, his 30-year-old, already-married female patient and stalks her until receiving counseling, from her husband.
CLEAN
A gynecologist becomes insanely obsessed with his already-married patient and stalks her until receiving counseling, from her husband.
I’d still rework this logline quite a bit more, but cutting out the ages (and, of course, the names) has given us a great base to work from.
As usual, there are exceptions to the rule, such as when the age is vital to the plot—à la The Curious Case of Benjamin Button—but t
hese are few and far between. In fact, I rarely end up keeping the age of any character in a logline. Recently, at a conference, a writer expounded upon the fact that her story would appeal to an underserved audience of those over 50 because her lead was 60 years old. I told her that by saying that, she’s not accomplishing what she wants—to sell her story—because Hollywood sadly focuses on 18- to 35-year-old viewers and will simply pass on what they’d consider a “senior” story. I told her instead to explain why her story would appeal to an audience of all ages, because it touches on both the underserved older population as well as the much younger and more desirable demographics.
Another example of a situation in which you want to keep in age markers is when that is the crux of the story. For example, I have a project with the Gotham Group right now based on a cool novel Karen Dionne is working on, which involves some kids trying to find out why everyone 17 and older is suddenly dying. Our lead character is a 16-year-old girl who is nearing her next birthday. Of course, in this instance, I would actually emphasize her age in the logline, because that’s the ticking clock that motivates her journey and gives it terrific urgency. She will literally die on her seventeenth birthday if she (and the others) don’t figure out what’s going on. Here’s the logline:
A 16-year-old girl must discover what’s killing everyone 17 and older before she dies on her next birthday.
As you can see, this is a definite exception to the age-cutting rule.
Right now I’m considering taking on a cool science fiction story that I was sent, a barely finished young adult manuscript. While I love its main concept of an elimination squad, I’m just not sure if I can sell it in the current marketplace. After Twilight, Hunger Games, Divergent, and even my own project with Peter Chernin at Fox 2000 (which I mentioned earlier in this book), Reboot, the YA arena in feature films is extremely saturated. In order to make this story move, I’ve decided to speak with the writer’s agent and ask if I can adjust it for any age, rather than YA. If the lead character and her love interest are in their twenties, for example, I don’t feel it will adversely affect the story and it may give me an extra boost in being able to set it up for adaptation. If the agent agrees, my logline will have no mention of high school, teens, or young adults at all, no matter what the manuscript actually contains. If I can get the writer to consider changing the ages in the original material, since it’s still in process, so much the better. Here’s a rough draft of what my logline will probably look like:
A soldier in a special Elimination Unit is captured by an outlaw who shows her evidence against the government, and she must decide to either uphold Command or fight alongside the fugitives.
Even in this rough form, the logline can show how the potential film might well appeal to a broad audience, and thus be infinitely more marketable than if it was positioned in that “teenage story” box.
Now we know names and ages can be cut, and that’s a great start, but it’s not enough. Here are a few sample loglines to help you practice what’s been explored so far, then we’ll discover what else can be removed to make the logline better, tighter, more sellable.
Chapter 11 Sample Loglines
1.A 17-year-old teen rebels against his parents, Donna and Henry, until they throw him out and he has to learn to survive on the mean streets of Los Angeles with Sandy, another young runaway, as his jaded guide.
2.Nurse Nancy Clemens has been accused of the elder abuse of her 76-year old patient and must fight the system and her boss of 18 years, Donald Mason, in order to retain her job and clear her name.
3.In the year 2247, space travel is commonplace and Selsi, a 15-year-old light source mechanic, keeps the sky-movers running smoothly until she discovers her nemesis, 17-year-old Waven, has hidden a deadly gas in the vehicles of High Chief Resa and the other prominent citizens of their colony.
4.Kelvin Hooper, an 18-year-old wannabe geneticist, finds out that 7-year-old Angel has a special gift—she no longer gets any older—but when Kelvin tries to discover the source of Angel’s immortality, Kelvin inadvertently triggers rapid aging and must reverse what he and his best friend, Olive, have done before Angel dies.
5.Deana and Joshua are two 40-somethings whose marriage has become stale, so they both begin to secretly pursue flings with their young 20-something next-door neighbors, Stacey and Andrew, until Deana and Josh finally learn to appreciate what they have in each other.
Answers to Chapter 11 Samples
1.
ORIGINAL
A 17-year-old teen rebels against his parents, Donna and Henry, until they throw him out and he has to learn to survive on the mean streets of Los Angeles with Sandy, another young runaway, as his jaded guide.
REDO
A 17-year-old teen KID rebels against his parents, Donna and Henry, until they throw him out and he has to learn to survive on the mean streets of Los Angeles with Sandy, another young runaway, as his jaded guide.
CLEAN
A kid rebels against his parents until they throw him out and he has to learn to survive on the mean streets of Los Angeles with another runaway as his jaded guide.
2.
ORIGINAL
Nurse Nancy Clemens has been accused of the elder abuse of her 76-year-old patient and must fight the system and her boss of 18 years, Donald Mason, in order to retain her job and clear her name.
REDO
A Nurse Nancy Clemens has been accused of the elder abuseING of her 76-year-old patient and must fight the system and her boss of 18 years, Donald Mason, in order to retain her job and clear her name.
CLEAN
A nurse accused of abusing her patient must fight the system and her boss in order to retain her job and clear her name.
3.
ORIGINAL
In the year 2247, space travel is commonplace and Selsi, a 15-year-old light source mechanic, keeps the sky-movers running smoothly until she discovers her nemesis, 17-year-old Waven, has hidden a deadly gas in the vehicles of High Chief Resa and the other prominent citizens of their colony.
REDO
In the year 2247, space travel is commonplace and Selsi, a 15-year-old A light source mechanic, keeps the sky-movers running smoothly until she discovers her nemesis, 17-year-old Waven, has hidden a deadly gas in the vehicles of High Chief Resa and the other prominent citizens of their colony.
CLEAN
In the year 2247, space travel is commonplace and a light source mechanic keeps the sky-movers running smoothly until she discovers her nemesis has hidden a deadly gas in the vehicles of the prominent citizens of their colony.
4.
ORIGINAL
Kelvin Hooper, an 18-year-old wannabe geneticist, finds out that 7-year-old Angel has a special gift—she no longer gets any older—but when Kelvin tries to discover the source of Angel’s immortality, Kelvin inadvertently triggers rapid aging and must reverse what he and his best friend, Olive, have done before Angel dies.
REDO
Kelvin Hooper, an 18-year-old A wannabe geneticist, finds out that A GIRL WHO 7-year-old Angel has a special gift—she no longer gets any older—but when Kelvin HE tries to discover the source of Angel’s THE immortality, Kelvin HE inadvertently triggers rapid aging and must reverse what’S he and his best friend, Olive, have BEEN done before Angel SHE dies.
CLEAN
A wannabe geneticist finds a girl who no longer gets older but when he tries to discover the source of the immortality, he inadvertently triggers rapid aging and must reverse what’s been done before she dies.
5.
ORIGINAL
Deana and Joshua are two 40-somethings whose marriage has become stale, so they both begin to secretly pursue flings with their young 20-something next-door neighbors, Stacey and Andrew, until Deana and Josh finally learn to appreciate what they have in each other.
REDO
Deana and Joshua are two 40-somethings A COUPLE whose marriage has become stale, so they both begin to secretly pursue flings with their young 20-something nex
t-door neighbors, Stacey and Andrew, until Deana and Josh finally learnING to appreciate what they have in each other.
CLEAN
A couple whose marriage has become stale secretly pursue flings with their neighbors until finally learning to appreciate what they have in each other.
Chapter 12
The Adjective Objective
THERE ARE MANY CUTS THAT NEED TO BE MADE throughout the editing process. The toughest of all, however, involves removing adjectives. They usually take up room without giving much in return, since they don’t help sell a project. Many writers fall in love with their descriptive words and find it difficult to take them out. What I always tell them is that unless it helps market your story it’s not worth keeping in, and it’s also important to trust that the real creative writing is in the full manuscript. The logline is the way to get people to read it—so don’t sabotage yourself by bogging the logline down with unnecessary adjectives.
Many content creators feel that the use of descriptive language helps show off their abilities as writers. They think that the creative adjectives they’ve chosen are what make them stand out and exemplify what they can do on the page. My answer is that in only one sentence not much is going to be said about your writing ability unless it’s that you are able to convey the important elements of your story—who is the protagonist, what that person wants, and what is at stake—in a powerful, tight logline that also highlights what’s unique about your particular tale. That is what is truly impressive.
Now that I’ve told you to “kill your babies,” as they say in editing, here’s a strong example of the judicious cutting of adjectives, which helps the logline flow:
ORIGINAL
A promiscuous and adventuresome divorcée finds herself falling deeply in love with a self-centered, obnoxious, and altogether inappropriate man, and in attempting to remove herself from his unbelievably powerful and seductive spell, she ends up hooking up with a wallflower-like, shy, and reserved woman—and surprises herself to realize she’s a lesbian.
Sell Your Story in Single Sentence Page 6
