by Caroline Lee
She had secrets too. And one of those secrets was that she’d been desperate for another kiss from him. Two months! Two months of remembering the way it felt to be cradled against him, to breathe the same breath. She’d had one, brief kiss from him that had been nothing like the ones Bernard had stolen, but hadn’t been nearly long enough to compare. If she was going to ever consider a future with Jack, she needed to compare, to be sure that the way he made her feel was different—better, more special—than the way Bernard had made her feel.
She’d spent two months trying to convince him to kiss her again. Maybe she’d been too subtle about it though; flirtatious looks and touches, and once—once!—when he’d stood behind her by the stove, she couldn’t resist the temptation to feel his hard body pressed against hers. She’d leaned backwards. The feeling had been nice enough—perfect enough—to wrench a little whimper from her, and he’d bolted.
The only solace was the fact that he wanted to kiss her; she could see it in his expression, in the way he held himself apart from her. He was fighting the attraction for some reason, though, which was problematic.
After two months, she knew that she wanted to be here, to stay here in Everland with him and Zelle. She’d written joyfully to Lettie and told her just that. Meri had a lovely home, a little girl who loved her back, and was making a place for herself. Her patients were positive about her abilities, and she’d already heard from Mrs. Spratt about how women as far away as Fort Bridger were interested in visiting her once the roads cleared completely. Jack had been a big help with Mrs. Miller’s difficult birth—little Sibyl was thriving, but her mother was still weak—and even though she could tell that he’d been uncomfortable, he’d done what was necessary to help their patient. Her partner was her partner in every sense of the word, and she wanted to continue this life. Whoever had set up that marriage advertisement had done her a world of good; she didn’t even care who it was, at this point, but if she ever found him or her, Meri would be certain to express her heartfelt thanks.
She’d found a home.
The people of Everland already called her “Mrs. Carpenter,” and considered her and Jack married. But she knew that in his mind, they weren’t. Otherwise, why would he have worked so hard to keep from kissing her these last two months? Didn’t he realize what everyone assumed, with them stuck in the same house through the late winter snows? Didn’t he realize that they were all watching her belly, to see when proof of their “marriage” would arrive? Why didn’t he want to kiss her? Why was he fighting so hard?
As she bathed Zelle in the basin that afternoon—the girl was getting so big that she had to stand and hold onto Meri’s shoulders in order to fit—she decided that things were getting desperate indeed. It was going to be up to her to push Jack; push him into making a decision about their future. Either they’d be married for real, or they wouldn’t, but it needed to be determined.
Zelle squealed as Meri squeezed water out of her braids—almost to the middle of her back, already!—and Meri shushed her good-naturedly. She needed to kiss Jack again. Needed to see if that brief glimpse at the passion and pleasure they’d shared was real, and could happen again. Needed to see if Jack really could erase Bernard’s memory, or if that was something she was going to have to struggle with for the rest of her life.
It wasn’t until after she’d played with Zelle on the bed for a while, loving the little girl’s giggles while Meri managed to wrestle her into her wool nightie, and was cutting the leftover ham for dinner that she realized how late Jack was. For months, his weekly trips to Matthews’ Dry Goods had been brief, although he managed to spend more money than she was used to. It was like the cost of objects didn’t matter to him; he didn’t make anything himself, so he purchased it. Maybe people paid him well for his doctoring services? And maybe that’s why he was late today; it had happened once a few weeks ago where he’d been stopped on the way back to the cabin with word of a patient needing his help.
Luckily, he walked through the door just as she was scooping the potatoes onto the plates beside the ham, wiping his still-wet hands on his trousers. She smiled at him, pleased that he remembered to wash before dinner.
He didn’t return her grin, and in fact looked away, a flush climbing up his cheeks.
Conversation at dinner was one-sided. Zelle was tired from her play in the garden, and Jack barely looked up from his meal, so Meri talked about the herbs she wanted to put in. Already Jack’s daughter was showing interest in the garden, and it’d be nice to teach the little girl how to grow things that would be useful to them as doctors. He only grunted in response, and got up to clear the dishes as soon as he was finished. She frowned, wondering what had happened in town.
After dinner, they put Zelle to bed, together. The little girl had insisted on it last month—a song from “Mewee,” a story from “Papa,” and then she’d snuggle up in the big bed where Meri would later join her. Sometimes she’d still fall asleep on Jack’s chest while he read to her—he’d finished Oliver Twist last week—but she seemed to prefer the joint effort.
When Meri backed out of the bedroom to find Jack staring at the embers in the hearth, she took a deep breath. “I need to speak to you.”
His start, and the guilty look he flashed her way, told her that he hadn’t been thinking about her at all. But he just nodded and shoved his hands deep in his pockets. He didn’t return her hesitant smile. “Jack, I’ve been thinking—”
Zelle’s sweet little voice, singing to herself, drifted through the closed door behind her. Meri stopped and swallowed. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea to have this conversation here, tonight, after all. If Jack wasn’t in a good mood, and if things were likely to get loud and disturb his daughter, then…
“Let’s go outside.” His suggestions surprised her, but she nodded quickly. It would be foolish to miss the opportunity, if he actually wanted to speak to her. And was it her imagination, or did his hands linger on her shoulders as he helped her into her coat?
It might’ve been warm enough during that afternoon, while she was working out in the mid-April sun, but the evening held a distinct chill. Meri rubbed her hands up and down her arms, wishing she’d stopped to put on her bonnet to keep her ears warm.
Jack walked a few steps away from the front door, his arms crossed in front of him, watching the last of the day’s pinks and oranges sink into the western horizon. She moved beside him, wondering if he thought the silence was awkward, or comforting.
Finally, she took another deep breath, holding on to the thoughts that had been jumbling around in her head all day. For months, really. “I know that we haven’t talked about our pasts, Jack, but I want you to understand why I came here.”
She was encouraged by the way he blinked, and frowned, and then turned to face her completely. She felt like he was really seeing her for the first time today. “I…” Now that she was finally telling him, though, she discovered that she couldn’t stand seeing the interest in his blue eyes. “I was in school in Philadelphia. The Female Medical College of Pennsylvania is truly remarkable, and I was lucky to be there, to be living on a stipend with a few other students. But not everyone was pleased at the thought of a bunch of women physicians, and sometimes they…expressed their anger.”
Maybe something showed on her face, because he slowly uncrossed his arms. She watched his hands fist by his side, and wanted to nod. He knew what was coming. “There was one man, who I thought was interested in marrying me. We’d go stepping out together, nice walks and dinners. But one night, he came to our apartment.” She shuddered, remembering the smell of alcohol on Bernard’s breath as he forced his way into their home. “We asked him to leave, but he…” She swallowed. “He hit me.”
Jack jerked then, slightly, as if he wanted to reach for her but stopped himself. She met his eyes, and knew the sorrow she saw in them was for her. Unconsciously, she swayed towards him. “He said that women would never be doctors, and that absolutely no one would want a single woman tre
ating them.” Bernard had sneered that in her face, and she’d flinched. She flinched again, tonight, and Jack cursed under his breath, opening his arms to her.
Gratefully, she sank against him, resting her head on his shoulder, reveling in the warmth of his body against hers. Stronger now, she swallowed. “He tried to do things to me that night, but Lettie returned with help before he could…” Her shudder was unintentional, but Jack’s arms squeezed around her, and made her feel safe in a way she didn’t think another man’s ever could, after Bernard.
“After, I realized that I couldn’t stay there in the city. I couldn’t stay in the school, not with him nearby. And even if it wasn’t him…I didn’t feel safe anymore. I wanted to leave, to go back to the small town I’d been raised in, where I could do the good I’d always wanted to do. But Bernard was right; it was hard to be a female doctor in a small town. I needed a husband to make me legitimate.” She pulled away just slightly, so that she could stare up into his face, impassive now. “I knew that a husband who was a doctor would be the best for me.
“And then I saw your advertisement, and all I could think was that I must have some sort of godmother looking out for me, because you sounded perfect.”
“Meri…”
“Oh, I know that you didn’t set the advertisement, but still. It was perfect.” She lifted her hands to his cheek, ran her fingers over the beard he kept cut short. It was his turn to shudder and close his eyes at her touch, and she managed a slight smile. “But I need to know if there’s a future for us, Jack. I need to know if that kiss in town back in February was a fluke, or if your touch really can chase those terrible memories away. I need to know if I’ll be safe and happy here.”
He was silent for a long moment, his eyes still shut. He shifted slightly, and she felt his hardness against her belly. She knew that he wasn’t unaffected. Finally, sounding like he was choking on something, he said, “What are you asking for?”
She curled her fingers into his beard, and pulled his face towards hers. His eyes opened on his surprise. “I want…” I need, “A kiss. I want to know if your touch is strong enough to wipe away memories of his. I want…” She stared into his eyes, seeing the battle of emotions in his eyes. “I want to kiss you. Now.”
He swallowed, and she could tell he was struggling with himself. Why? Why not just kiss her? “We can’t have a future together if I don’t know this, Jack.”
“Meri, we—”
She never found out what he was going to object to this time. Tired of his objections, she tugged his face down to hers, and met his lips. He groaned in surrender then, and shifted his arms so that they were wrapped around her middle, and lifted her onto her tiptoes. She knew she’d won, but didn’t dare smile—didn’t want to smile, with his lips against hers. Warmth and sparks and some kind of tingle, that’s what his kisses were. His beard scratched against her chin in all the best ways, and his tongue flicked across her lips. She stretched and twined her arms around his neck, determined to hold him there, against her.
His kiss—his touch—was nothing like Bernard’s. Jack was powerful, and primal, but he didn’t overwhelm her. Maybe it was because she knew him so well, knew that—like a wild animal—he was as likely to run as to stalk.
Maybe it was because she’d fallen in love with him.
Meri lost count of the minutes—hours?—they stood embracing outside of the cabin. His little groans drove her crazy, made her desperate to press herself against him and to feel all of him. Made her want to peel all of her clothes off in a way she never could’ve imagined feeling. Made her want to be his, forever.
She certainly wasn’t cold anymore.
The half-moon was bright in the sky by the time they pulled apart and rested their foreheads against one another’s. He let her slide to the ground, and she rested her head against his shoulder. She could hear his heart beating a mad staccato under his skin, and smiled to think that hers matched his beat.
There was no doubt; his kiss was special. Different. She could marry him, stay here with him. Be his partner in every sense of the word. Be his wife.
She sighed, and he stiffened. His arms tightened around her, and then fell away as he stepped back. Smiling at him, she hugged herself, sorry for the loss of his warmth, but glad to be able to face him when she confessed her love. Meri took a deep breath, and readied herself.
Then she paused.
Jack ran his hand through his ragged hair. His eyes were hooded in the dark, but the way his shoulders hunched, the way he stood with all of his weight on the balls of his feet, told her that he was ready to run, and she bit her tongue to keep from speaking. He did not look like a man who’d just experienced an amazing kiss. A man who was ready to commit to a future with her. A man who loved her in return.
Her heart began to pound against her chest again, but in fear this time.
“Jack?”
“Meri.” He met her gaze then; direct and somehow sad. “I’m leaving. Zelle and I are leaving tomorrow morning.”
He turned and stalked towards the door, leaving her alone in the dark. Alone, in front of the cabin that should’ve been her home.
He was leaving? Because of the kiss? How could he do that? Didn’t he feel the same spark when they touched? Had she imagined his reactions for the last two months? How was it possible that she could feel something so strongly, and him not at all?
Wrapping her arms tighter around her middle, she lifted her face to the moon, and realized that the wetness on her cheeks was tears. Tears for lost opportunity, lost future. Tears at knowing she’d have to say goodbye to Zelle, say goodbye to Jack. To her family. Because he didn’t want to be with her.
As she sobbed in the moonlight, the only shred of goodness she could cling to was Thank the Lord I didn’t tell him that I love him.
CHAPTER EIGHT
He had no way of knowing how long he’d been asleep when an icy pressure against his cheek startled Jack into opening his eyes. He was curled on his side, the blanket tight around him; a throwback to the long winters in Sing Sing, where body warmth was the only warmth to be had. He blinked in the darkness, and the pressure increased.
It wasn’t until he rolled onto his back—there on the pallet in front of the hearth—and a second hand joined the first on his other cheek, when he understood.
“Jack? Are you awake?”
“I am now.” He could feel her kneeling beside him in the darkness, and her hands were like ice against his beard. “Have you been outside without your gloves this whole time?” How late was it? How many hours had passed since he’d left her—kissed her and left her—out there in the cold? Long enough to fall into a fitful, guilt-ridden sleep, that was for sure.
“I’ve been thinking, Jack.” She sounded like she’d been crying, and his gut tightened further. How to explain to her? He had to leave, to keep her safe. To keep Zelle safe.
He tried to sit up, but her cold hands stopped him, pressing him back against the blankets. “No, stay there. Stay.” He heard her take a breath, and then reposition herself. “I stood out there and I thought, Jack. I thought about the way you made me feel, the way you kissed me. And then I thought about how I felt when you told me you were leaving, and I decided…”
When she trailed off, he took her hands in his, rubbing them for warmth. He knew from experience that if her fingers were this icy, her cheeks and nose would be worse.
Another deep breath. “And I decided that I wasn’t going to just accept your decision. I was going to fight you on it.” He heard her holding that breath, like she was waiting for his reaction, but he just kept calmly rubbing her hands between his. A little huff of irritation, and she pulled her hands away. “Did you hear me? I’m going to fight.”
Fight. He knew enough about that, the good Lord knew. So he kept his voice even when he asked, “What are you going to fight, Meri?” and reached for her hands again. Let her be angry; as long as her fingers warmed up.
“You!” Another huff, and she threw h
erself down on the blanket beside him. He sat up, cautiously, feeling for her shoulders. She was still in her coat, thank goodness. After the way she’d kissed him—kissed him back—outside, he didn’t need any more temptation.
“Why are you fighting me?”
“I’m fighting for you, Jack!” And then she exhaled, and seemed to collapse against him. Catching her in his arms, he unconsciously shifted and pulled her close until her head rested against his shoulder. He silently cursed himself. So much for keeping my distance from her. The kiss must’ve addled him, and why not? She’d tasted even better than he’d remembered, and had felt so damn right in his arms. Having her here again felt right, even if he didn’t understand her.
She sighed slightly, and snuggled closer. He adjusted his seat and brought his free hand to her cheek. Yep, freezing alright. There wasn’t anything more he could do than he was already doing, so he just held her, and willed her to warm up fast, before his resolve completely melted away.
We’re leaving in the morning. She’s staying here.
“I don’t know why you want to leave me, Jack, but I don’t want you to go. I needed to tell you that, to fight to keep you.”
“You don’t need to do that.” He wasn’t worth it.
“Please don’t go. I’m not sorry for the kiss, but… I don’t want you to go.”
It broke his heart to hear her begging him for anything. He wasn’t worth this, and didn’t know how to explain it. Maybe he should just come out and tell her, watch her regard for him slip away. Then she would understand why he wasn’t fit for her or Everland, why he needed to leave. Hell, he wasn’t even fit for Zelle, but he was all she had now. “Meri, you don’t und—”
“I shouldn’t have told you about…about what Bernard did. That was what made you decide—”
“No.” He squeezed her tighter, willing her to believe him. “No. I…I was glad that you shared that with me.” Honored that she’d open up like that to him. “And I’m sorry that it had to happen to someone as kind-hearted and loving as you.” He tried swallowing down his anger at the memory of her expression as she described what the man had done. “I would’ve killed him for something like that.”
