We had called David from the car. He was in dialysis, but Hannah answered. I told her it would be a good idea for David to come to my mother’s room when he was done, and that he should probably come as soon as he can. I heard her gasp; then she recovered and told me she would pass the message on to him. She said she was so very sorry and thanked me for letting Robbie stay over so he didn’t have to drive the couple of hours back to the city. I smiled as I told her it was my pleasure. I was sure she couldn’t imagine just how much pleasure it was!
I close the door, turn out the lights in the room, and pull the curtain around my mother’s bed.
I kiss her cheek and put one of her favorite Billie Holiday CDs on the portable player. The rattling has gotten louder. I hold on to my mother’s hand and know there is something else I need to say to her, something I’d been totally avoiding up until that moment.
“Mom, you have been the very best mother anyone could have. I love you so much and I’m honored to be your daughter. Mom, it’s time for you to go. You can leave now. I’ll be all right. I don’t want you to worry about me; I really mean it. I have people here who will help me. And my baby will know all about its wonderful grandma. Gram is waiting for you; she’ll take good care of you now, Mama. And you’ll be with Steve again. You’ll finally be together.”
There is a knock at the door. I pull open the curtain and see David in his wheelchair. He looks pale and extremely fragile. Hannah is behind him. I ask them to come in. Hannah kisses me and says she doesn’t want to intrude. She tells David to call her when he is ready to go back to his room, and she’ll come get him.
David slowly wheels himself into the room. He looks at my Mom and shakes his head. Tears fill his eyes. “It’s almost over, isn’t it?” he asks.
I nod and say, “That’s why I want you to be here, to spend some time with us.” He wheels his chair as close to the bed as he can and takes my hand.
“Lily, I am so sorry.” He looks up at me with Daisy’s eyes.
“I am glad you are here, with me,” I tell him.
“Thanks for that, Lily. You know, I never felt like I belonged. I always felt like I was one step behind in everything, including my family.” He smiles. “I’m really happy that I have you. I just wish I had more time with Daisy.”
I squeeze his hand. And with my other hand, I hold my mother’s. The three of us, hand in hand, stay there for a good hour; neither David nor I say a word. We just sit in the room together. Finally the family is reunited. The haunting music plays in the background.
We are both lost in our own thoughts. We watch my mother breathing. The rattling sound gets louder. She exhales and then doesn’t take another breath for a good thirty seconds or so. My heart is pounding. I hold my own breath. Is this the end? She takes another shallow breath.
I look at David. His face is ashen and he is wiping tears from his eyes. “Are you okay?”
“That was rough,” he says. “I thought, you know…”
“Yeah, me too. Listen, do you want to go back to your room and lie down for a little while?”
He nods. His face looks pinched, and I know he is trying not to cry in front of me. There is another knock at the door. Donna, Fernando, and Tommy walk into the quiet, dim room.
I introduce David as my brother. Donna kneels next to his wheelchair and tells him in a whisper, “I have been waiting so many years to see you again. I cannot tell you how glad I am that you and Daisy found each other.” She hugs him.
David loses it. He starts crying and it is like a chain reaction. One by one we all break down. Robbie is in the hallway, waiting for us to compose ourselves. He walks in, put his hand briefly on my shoulder, and walks over to his brother.
“Bro, looks like you could use a little rest.”
David nods his head.
I introduce Robbie as David’s brother. Robbie gives me a kiss on the cheek before wheeling his brother out of the room. David doesn’t seem to notice, but Fernando, who never misses a trick —even in a state of grief—raises an eyebrow and shoots Donna a questioning look.
“Want me to come back up, Lil?” Robbie asks. I nod.
The guys leave the room. I look at my mother’s three closest friends, so happy they are in my life, and so relieved they are here. With all the friends I have, there isn’t one person in LA I feel particularly close to. Sure, I have friends I shop with, jog with, party with, or just hang with; but not one of them is here for me, not like this. I guess I have the love of these three wonderful people by association. I don’t care; I know that they will, now and always, be my “go to” people.
Robbie comes back up and we all sit there, thinking and waiting. He takes my hand. Eventually Donna breaks the silence and goes over to my mother, kisses her cheek, and takes her hand. She whispers, “Pali, I love you, my oldest, dearest friend, my sister. We lived a long life together, you and I.” She is softly crying. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, doll. The angels will have you all to themselves, and I’ll miss you like crazy. Don’t worry, I’ll watch out for our girl. You can be sure of that. Like I did when she was a kid, remember?”
She wipes her eyes with a tissue and tells me she will be out in the visitor’s lounge if I need her. Tommy taps Fernando on the shoulder. They both walk over to my mother’s bed and kiss my mother on the cheek. Fernando is silently crying. Tommy hugs him and pats him on the back to comfort him. They both kiss me and walk out of the room. As they walk down the hall, Fernando’s sobs get louder and louder.
“Honey, do you want to be alone?” Robbie asks me.
“Yes, I think so. Just stay close by, okay?”
I close the door and the curtain. I turn off the CD player and move closer her bed. I know that my mother will leave me very soon.
I kiss her cheek and move my seat as close to her as I can. “Mama, you were there for me when I came into the world, and now I’m here to say goodbye when you leave.”
I don’t know if I am doing or saying the right things. I close my eyes and hear a soft voice say, “Just be in the moment, Lily of the Valley.” Suddenly, I feel someone touch the back of my head.
I open my eyes and turn around fast. No one else is in the room. I feel suspended in time. I sit without moving for a long while. Slowly a shadow falls over the room. There is a thick heaviness to the air. What little light comes from the window behind the drawn curtain slowly gets dimmer and dimmer. I can’t move. My mother’s jaw opens wider, and her mouth moves up and down as if she is speaking to someone only she can see. She exhales loudly; a single tear runs down her face. I wait. She never breathes again.
“NO! NO! NO!” I cry. Robbie rushes into the room, looks at my mother, and holds me while I cry.
My Daisy is gone.
The week after my mother died is a roller coaster. I have trouble focusing and get distracted easily. My assistant, Jody, is back from Hawaii; she’s in LA and takes care of organizing and paying my bills and answering emails. Admittedly, I bite her head off a couple of times via Skype and phone, because my emotions are raw and I can’t seem to control myself. My skin actually feels like it is aching, and any slight noise or music annoys me.
Through it all, Robbie is amazing.
He stays with me at the farm and comforts me no matter how many times I have major breakdowns. He doesn’t get turned off by my grief; he is extremely patient, kind, and loving.
After receiving Mom’s kidney during a five-hour transplant procedure, David does very well. His doctors are cautiously optimistic that his body will not reject the organ. It is astounding how transformed David is. His once-sallow appearance is now a healthy rosy complexion. He would have gone home within a week after surgery but he has to remain in the hospital for almost two weeks due to the other injuries he sustained during the accident.
His energy level is so high that the nurses jokingly complain it is like having a caged tiger on the ward. When he’s finally discharged, he’ll have to visit the renal outpatient clinic for one
month for observation. His father, a well-respected surgeon in Dallas, coordinates efforts between the hospital and a clinic there for him to have follow-up care, so he will be able to go right home.
David and I are getting to know each other better. I visit him often. He is a terrific guy, somewhat self-conscious, not as confident as Robbie, but funny, with a bit of a sarcastic streak.
He still doesn’t know about my relationship with his brother. Robbie suggests we wait until David is out of the hospital to tell him. Actually, not many people know about us, which is what we want. Donna, Tommy, and Fernando are the only ones, and are sworn to secrecy.
The paparazzi activity has bubbled over into a fierce frenzy since Mom passed away. Cameras are everywhere, and my face, swollen eyes and all, is plastered on every newspaper, trashy rag, and network nationwide. I don’t want to make things worse by appearing in public with Robbie.
The St. Joe’s producers are good enough to send a couple of the cast members and an ancillary crew to shoot the rest of my scenes for the final show, on a sound stage at Silvercup Studios, in Queens. Robbie gets a chance to go to the studio to watch me work and I truly enjoy having him there with me. He says he has a whole new appreciation for what I do and tells me that he’s pretty impressed. Suprisingly that makes me feel good. I want him to be proud of me.
Other than those few days on set, Robbie and I keep mainly to ourselves and are together 24/7. Our relationship feels like it is progressing in warp speed because of the emotional intensity of my mother’s death. But looming over us like a colossal black cloud is Robbie’s impending departure for his stint in Africa.
When the weather is nice, we bundle up in thick sweaters and take the boat out for long afternoon sails on the Sound. We skip across the choppy waves in ebb-and-flow waltzes with the autumn wind. Lazy afternoons meld into long, lingering passion-filled nights that last until roosters from nearby farms announce daybreak.
We are on a sailboat, there is no wind; the boat is bobbing up and down, peacefully. The sun is warm, but when it sneaks behind the clouds, there is a definite chill in the air. Robbie is in the captain’s seat, and I’m on his lap. His arms are around me. I start nodding off, watching the small waves softly lap the side of the boat.
I remember something my mother said years ago, when I was a teenager. We were sunbathing on the beach in Malibu, talking and watching the ice-blue waves crash into creamy white foam.
“Lily, when I die, I don’t want to be buried,” she said as she applied suntan lotion to her shapely legs.
“Do you want me to keep you Norman Bates-style in a rocking chair in my bedroom?” I asked her sarcastically.
“What a great idea. That way I can keep my eye socket on you at all times.”
“Okay, that visual is way too gross, Mom.”
She laughed, laid back in her lounge chair, and said, “I don’t want to be buried. Way too claustrophobic for me. I can’t even breathe thinking about it.” For emphasis, she took in a huge gulp of air.
“That’s ridiculous. If you’re six feet under, you won’t be doing much breathing, so you don’t have to worry about claustrophobia.”
“Well, I’m not taking any chances,” she replied, and snapped the top on the lotion for emphasis.
“Well, then, if you don’t want to be buried and I don’t want your crazy old bones rocking in my bedroom, what do you want me to do with you?” I rolled over so that my back could get some rays.
She took the top off the sunscreen again and applied lotion to my shoulders and back.
“Hmmm, good question. Let me see.” She stopped rubbing for a second. “I got it. I want to be cremated. Yep, that’s what I want. Half my ashes should be scattered over the Long Island Sound and the rest right here into the Pacific.”
“Should I use a measuring cup so that it’s exactly even?” We both laughed.
“Just remember I want to have a huge party as a last hurrah sendoff.”
“Big sendoff, last hurrah—you got it. Anyway, I don’t have to worry about all that. You’re Daisy Lockwood, and you’re going to live forever!”
After I finished telling him the story, I turned to look at Robbie. “I guess she didn’t live forever, huh?”
He kissed my cheek and said, “No, honey, she didn’t. None of us will.”
“I know what I’m going to do.” I tell him and pick up the phone to call Donna. I repeat the story.
“Donna, as soon as David is released from the hospital, I want to have a huge memorial dinner party here at the farm.”
“Great idea; you can get her event planner, Barbara Hock, to help you. Maybe put up a tent.”
“That’s exactly what I was thinking. Black tie all the way. We could start the evening by asking her friends to get on stage to share stories. Then we can have dinner. What do you think?”
“Sounds wonderful, doll. Great idea! I can get the band together for the night.” Donna’s group, Straight Ahead the Band, is this incredible dance band that she and her partner John put together years ago. She’s lead vocal, and he plays a mean keyboard. When she’s not touring and is back in New York, chances are she’s singing with the band.
Donna is on fire. “I’ll call Fernando and he can help me. We need to give him a purpose; he’s been a huge mope lately. He’ll kick it into high gear. Then I’ll call Theresa. Between her and Tommy, they’ll know which guests to invite. As soon as you can, come up with a date. I’ll call Barbara after we hang up and figure out the flowers, food, drinks, and décor. She’s amazing, like an event-planner fairy godmother. Lily, it’s going to be exactly what Daisy would want.”
Donna is totally revved. She’s been rather stoic since Mom died. Her juices are definitely flowing again.
Robbie and I are having a quiet dinner in front of the fire when Donna calls to tell me that Theresa came up with an idea to turn Daisy’s memorial into a fundraiser, in her name, for the Brain Injury Association of America. It’s an organization that raises awareness and promotes research efforts. “What do you think?”
“Perfect!”
“Great. I’ll tell Theresa to get right on it. Honey, I haven’t had a chance to ask you how you’re feeling.”
I walk into the other room so Robbie can’t hear me. “I’m feeling okay. Morning sickness is gone.”
“Have you told Robbie?”
“Not yet. I’m waiting for the right time…”
“The right…Lily! Are you kidding? You have to tell him.”
“I know, I know, Auntie D.,” I meekly reply.
“Have you spoken to Jamie?”
“No,” I say, almost in a whisper.
“Lily, honey, what are you doing?”
“Auntie D., truly I don’t know. I have to figure it out.”
“Jamie needs to know. And the longer you wait to tell Robbie, the harder it’s going to be for him to take.”
Donna is, of course, right. As close as Robbie and I have become, with all the intimate moments woven together to design the fabric of our new relationship, this is something that could potentially unravel it all. I’ve tried to tell him about the pregnancy, but I haven’t been able to gather up the courage. The more precious moments we spend together, the more difficult it becomes.
Robbie and I take a long hike a few days before the Memorial Gala. We want to get away from the house for a few hours, because there are vendors everywhere getting the place ready for the event. In four short days, he will be gone and I shiver just thinking about it. I am, without a doubt, absolutely attached to him. I dread saying goodbye; I can’t imagine not having him with me.
We walk in silence, hold hands, and take in the scenery. The wooded area that we are walking through is quiet. The only sounds are the crunching of the fallen leaves under our feet. The birds are chirping, and every so often there’s a rustling noise as a little critter burrows away from us.
Robbie breaks the silence. “I found out about your secret.”
My stomach drops. “What?
” I ask.
“Did you think I wasn’t gonna find out?”
“Well…” I stammer. My mind is racing a mile a minute, thinking of the right thing to say.
“You’re up for an Emmy! Congratulations.” He hugs me.
I nod my head, willing myself not to faint.
He smiles. “So when were you going to tell me, Ms. Lockwood?”
“After I won?”
He stops walking. “Ah, I see. So when is it?”
“Next week.”
“You’re kidding. Are you going?”
“Well, I would if you were around, but you will be gone, being a hero to many.” I smile up at him.
“Sorry, Lil, I don’t think I can tell the organization that I’m going to be delayed because my girlfriend is up for an Emmy.”
“I’m your girlfriend?” I ask.
“Aren’t you?”
“I guess I am.”
“Let’s sit down here.” He points at large bolder next to a bubbling brook. “You were going with your Mom, huh?”
“Yep. . .and Jamie.”
“Jamie—you don’t talk about him much.”
I clear my throat. “Not much to say, really.”
“You were together for a while, right?”
I tell him the abbreviated version of the Jamie/Lily/Natalie saga.
“Wow, she actually told you ahead of time that they were going to sleep together? You Hollywood types are sort of a cliché, you know?”
“Hey, don’t lump me in with that group,” I protest. But I know there were things I consider normal that never happen in the real world. You sort of lose touch with reality when you’re an actor. This time I’ve spent in Southold is the longest I’ve ever been away from people in the industry for quite some time.
“How about you? Are all your exes in Texas?”
He looks a little uncomfortable. “No… there’s one in New York.”
I swallow hard. “And?”
“Well, the timing was off. I met her my last year as a med student. She’s a nurse—”
The Seeds Of A Daisy: The Lily Lockwood Series: Book One (Women's Fiction) Page 25
