“Please tell me what to do, Jackson” I whispered into the air. “Give me a sign, any sign. It is Christmas after all.” I started feverishly typing away, praying that somehow, he would answer me.
27
Cass
The storm lasted two days straight. Brody still hadn't returned, the news said they were still searching for those two skiers. My stomach was in knots as I got ready for work. I had barely slept or eaten since Brody had left. I made sure Missy had enough food and water for today as I would be later tonight than normal.
I had just gotten to the shop and put the coffee on when Ray came in the back door.
“Morning Cass.”
“Morning.” I stepped out of the small kitchen, glancing at my watch. It was almost six. I had so much to do and a lot was weighing on my mind.
“I wanted to stop and drop off breakfast to you,” he said, handing me a bag from the coffee shop.
“Thanks,” I said, taking the bag but avoiding his eyes.
“Cass, is something wrong?”
“Why would you ask that?”
“You just don't seem yourself.”
“I don't seem myself? You've got to be kidding. How can you even say that? I'm worried about Brody.”
“Where is your lover? Thought he was supposed to be helping you?” he questioned.
I felt the tears burn my eyes. Once again, I didn't understand why he was doing this, anyone who had watched the news knew where they were.
“He's still searching,” I answered, pouring a cup of coffee and heading into the front of the store.
I heard Rays footsteps follow behind me. I only had a couple hours to get everything ready to open. Not that there was that much to do, but the way I was feeling, it was going to take me a while.
“Didn't you hear? They were found yesterday in the early morning. However, three members of the search team are now missing.”
My stomach dropped, and I suddenly felt sick.
“Did…Did they say who?” I could feel the tears welling in my eyes yet again.
“No names were given yet, they say they may be dead. They apparently went missing the first night.”
I bolted to the bathroom, almost missing the toilet as I threw up the empty contents of my stomach. I ran cold water onto a cloth and put it up to the back of my neck to stop the room from spinning, but it did little good. Ray appeared in the mirror.
“What’s the problem Cass.”
He fucking knew what the problem was. Granted, he didn't know everything about my past, but he knew enough.
I knew enough that for searches like this, they took breaks often, switching up every couple of hours or so to get warm and eat. However, something wasn't right, and Ray passing it off the way he was, wasn't making it better.
“I haven't heard from Brody since that first night.”
“Yeah, but that doesn't mean it's him. Maybe he just left you, Cass, you know like last time.” It was then the tears started. I knew in my heart he wouldn't leave again, not after we made love, but Ray's words were making me second guess myself.
As the tears ran down my face, I could see Ray getting angrier by the second at my actions. Finally, without another word he marched out the back of the store, leaving me in silence.
The day went by slowly. It was almost closing time when May came through the front door.
“My dear, it's getting colder outside, did you hear it’s possible another storm is coming? I hope you’re heading straight home after work.”
“Hey, May. I am. How was the store today?” I asked, trying to take my mind off Brody.
“It was okay. Everyone was glad to be out and around. How are things going for the fundraiser?”
“Pretty good, May, so far I have raised a little under five thousand, just about a thousand per family.”
“That is wonderful. I'm just going to take a peak and see what is there.”
May walked over to the books on display, and I went back to searching my phone for any news, debating whether to call the fire department and find out what was really going on.
“Cassie, my dear, you look like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. What is it?”
I swallowed hard, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. I had been good all day, but May was always so easy to talk to. My head fell into my hands.
“It's awful.”
“What is it, dear?” I suddenly felt her arm around me, smoothing my hair, trying to comfort me.
“It's my friend, Brody, he went up to help search for those people, and now there are members of the rescue crew missing. I haven't heard from him in days.”
“Oh, love. No tears, I am sure he’s okay, probably just busy and exhausted.”
“Well then, why does my gut tell me different, that he’s in trouble, May?”
“What do you mean?”
“I can't lose him. If I lose him after I lost Jackson, it will be the end of me, May. I'm in love with him.”
I had never heard the back door open, never heard the footsteps approaching the front of the store before the words fell out of my mouth, and I confided in May. When I looked up, Ray was standing behind us. The look on his face, the hurt in his eyes was enough to knock me in the gut.
“Ray! What are you doing here?”
“Apparently, I'm just in time to hear the truth, Cass.”
May turned around and looked at Ray who stood looming over us. “Oh, Ray, I'm sure it's not what you think.”
“I'm afraid it is, May. I'll see you later, Cass.” Ray turned to walk back through the store and stopped just before stepping outside. “Oh, Cass, by the way I stopped by to let you know the names of the rescue workers were announced on the radio, Brody is one of them. They'll give up searching on Christmas Eve if they don't find them before that.” He opened the door, stepped outside, and slammed it shut at the same time my heart shattered into a million and one pieces.
28
Cass
May stayed with me after Ray left. She shut and locked the store while I sat with my face in my hands, my shoulders shaking. My stomach hurt, and my chest ached. May helped me with closing, then gave me a hand to make sure everything was ready for tomorrow. We worked in silence, side by side. It was nice and comforting to know she was there.
“I don't think I can do this again, May.” They were the first words I had spoken in over an hour.
“What can't you do, dear?”
“I can't fall in love again, May, it's too hard.”
“Honey, you can't control that, and if you try, you are going to live a life full of regret.”
“But I've done this once, look where it got me. I lost him.”
“Cass, listen, most people are lucky to find love once in a lifetime. If it is indeed love you feel for Brody, you are one of the blessed ones to have found it twice. Don't throw away a great gift. My Sam passed away when I was only forty, and I vowed I would never let myself fall in love with another man. They came and went, but I stayed true to my word. But there was one fellow, only one I should have never let go. I think of him often and see him often, and every time I do, I wish I had taken that chance and opened myself back up to him.”
I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. “But May, what if he doesn't come back? What if they don't find him?”
She stood for a moment thinking. “Well, if they don't find him, then you will eventually pick yourself back up, dust yourself off like you've done before. You're too young to spend the rest of your life alone. I promise you will be okay. It may not seem like it now, but you will.”
“It hurts so much to think about that.”
“Then don't, take your thoughts of him not returning, ignore those, and think only thoughts of him returning to you.”
“You make it sound so easy, May,” I said, placing another handful of books out.
“Dear, I know it's not, but at the same time, it truly is. Christmas is the time for miracles, let’s believe in those. Now, I must
go, and you should get home and get some rest too, maybe have a talk with Ray. Explain how you feel, you owe him that. Plus, you have a big day tomorrow, and you don’t want to look like crap when he comes back, do you?”
I wrapped my arms around her. “Thank you, May.”
“Oh, dear, you are very welcome.”
I drove up the mountain in silence on my way home. Instead of pulling in my driveway, I drove a little farther and pulled into Ray’s driveway. I owed him an explanation of what he had heard today. I shut the engine off and got out of the car. I just prayed I wouldn’t be entering in the middle of one of Ray’s drunken stupors.
I knocked on the door, the panic that rose in me scared the shit out of even me as I waited for him to answer. It was impossible I would be sick, but my empty stomach still threatened to turn on me. The door finally opened, and Ray looked out at me.
“What?”
“Can I come in?”
“What the hell for, I heard what you said to May.”
I looked down at my gloved hands. “I feel like I owe you an explanation.”
He glared at me, but eventually, pulled the door open a little further and let me in. He took my coat and led me into the living room, pointing to a spot on the couch.
“Did I make a mistake?” he started.
I bit my bottom lip. I had to tell him the truth of what had happened, and I knew he wasn’t going to like it.
“Cass, I love you baby. I need you in my life.”
He had never said those words before, and now I knew this was going to be harder than I thought. I closed my eyes.
“I’m sorry you walked in on that conversation with May.”
“I’m just praying what I heard you say to May was because he’s missing and not because of something else, Cass.”
I chewed my bottom lip, trying to figure out how to tell him. When I had garnered up enough courage and went to speak, my words betrayed me and the words that came flying out of my mouth I wished I could have swallowed them back down.
“I slept with him.”
“What did you say?” Ray stood up from the chair, clenching his fists together.
“I slept with him, Ray. I didn’t mean for it to happen, but it did.”
Ray stood there, looking at me with a fierce look of hurt in his eyes.
“We’ve been in a relationship for two fucking years, it took me over a year to get you in bed, he comes in, and in a week you’re in fucking bed with him? Did I mean anything to you at all? What the fuck Cass?” he spat.
I didn’t know what to say, but the tears pouring down my cheeks said enough.
“You know, I could tell from the day he showed up at that store, he wanted you and you wanted him. You just didn’t see it until I was out of your fucking way. I should have killed his ass that night instead of leaving like you wanted me to.” His fists clenched with rage.
“I’m sorry, Ray, please don’t hurt me.” I couldn’t look at him anymore. The truth needed to come out whether he wanted to hear it or not. I couldn’t carry it around with me anymore.
“Hope you enjoyed playing house with him while he was here. I don’t want you coming back crying to me when he leaves again. We are over.”
A deep sob escaped my chest, his words slicing through my heart like a hot knife through butter. I watched through teary eyes as he marched over to the door, throwing my coat and boots out into the snow. He stood with the door open, waiting for me to make my exit, and when I did, he slammed the door shut behind me. I stood outside alone, picking up my coat and slipping my socked feet into my boots.
My chest ached as I walked to my car. I wasn’t sure how I made it back to my driveway and don’t remember walking into my home. I barely made it to the bathroom—there was no way I could stop the vomit from rising this time.
29
Cass
Exhaustion had finally caught up to me. I walked into the little kitchen for a much-needed break and some food. I was completely wiped out, both physically and mentally, but I had to be on my game today. The book drive was in full swing, donations pouring in. Even if people didn’t buy anything, it was so nice to see the community coming together. May had been kind enough to send over a couple of her girls to give me a hand when she found out I didn’t have any volunteers. Maggie had sent her daughters to lend me a hand as well.
I rested my head against the wall behind me and sipped on a cup of hot coffee. I hadn’t slept in days. When I couldn’t take the worry anymore, I had finally broken down and gotten in touch with Brody’s boss in the middle of the night to find out they were going to expand the search to the other side of the ski resort. They figured they possibly had gotten turned around and ended up there, there were a few abandoned buildings on that side. This news had calmed me enough to allow me to sleep for a couple of hours.
I poured more hot coffee into my travel mug and grabbed a cookie from the tray I had ordered from the coffee shop for the girls who were helping me. I pulled my cell phone out of my back pocket and went straight to the news. I needed to know if they had found him. The last update from three hours ago said what I already knew. I ate my cookie in silence, reading the words ‘ending the search tomorrow if they are not found’ repeatedly. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. I kept reading the article until I heard one of the girls calling from the front.
I sighed, rose from the chair, and stepped out front. Two firefighters stood in full uniform at the counter smiling. One of them was carrying a small box under his arm.
“Cass?”
“Yes.”
“It’s nice to meet you, I’m Mark, this is Dan.” Mark said, nodding toward the other man and holding his hand out to me.
“Nice to meet you.”
“Cass, we wanted to stop by. Brody told us all about your book drive and why you are so passionate about what you are doing to help these families. First, we both want to give you our condolences on behalf of the whole department about your husband’s passing. Brody told us the story.”
“Thank you.”
“No, Cass, thank you. You are making such a difference for these families. I want to let you know when Brody first started with us, he set this box out for us to donate. He wanted to be the one to bring this to you today, but under the circumstances, we decided to bring it to you on his behalf.”
I couldn’t help the lump forming in my throat. They passed me the box, tears forming at the corner of my eyes.
“I... I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. Your generosity and help to those families shine through. We must be going, it’s time for us to get up and start searching that mountain again. We want to bring these guys home. Be strong, we’ll find them.”
I nodded my head, choking back the tears and sobs I knew were coming. My throat burned, it was so tight, I could barely swallow.
I got both a hot coffee and a couple of cookies before they left. I went back into the kitchen with the box they had brought and set it on the counter, opening it. Inside sat close to a thousand dollars. I couldn’t help the tears that started to fall, not because of the amount, but because Brody had done all of this without a single word to me. I was sure, at this moment, I had possibly received my sign.
30
Cass
Main Street was quiet as I drove home. Big snowflakes had started to fall, and the Christmas displays in the store windows sparkled against the snow. I headed up the hill toward home, grateful things had turned out well for the book drive, but it was hard to be happy without having someone to celebrate with. I turned the radio on and listened to Christmas carols all the way home. I had hoped to catch the news to see if they had been found yet and was disappointed to hear they were still looking.
I drove into the driveway and pulled the car into the garage. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve—if they hadn't found them by then, they were calling off the search, and another Christmas would surely be ruined. My heart was heavy despite all the good I had accomplished today
.
I headed inside and was greeted by Missy circling my feet. I filled her now empty bowl and headed to get changed before starting a fire. As soon as that was done, I warmed up a bowl of soup and ate while glued to the news. I grew even more discouraged when they had a live update that they were still searching.
I plugged the tree in, letting the light from it fill the room and curled up on the couch under a warm blanket to watch TV, hoping that being warm would allow me to relax enough to sleep.
As I laid there, my mind constantly ran to the fact time was running out. Another wave of sadness and heaviness came over me. My heart ached, and as much as I could try to deny the fact I didn't want to fall in love, I knew deep down, I was already there. Already there and very much invested and couldn't stand the thought of a possibility I would never get to be held by those arms again or feel his lips against mine. You've got to come home to me Brody, you can't leave me alone.
I drifted off, mainly from pure exhaustion once Missy had crawled up on the couch and laid against my chest, the vibration from her purring comforting me enough to fall asleep.
I was awoken by a heavy thudding. I looked around the room, the TV droning in the background, the lights from the tree still softly flashing.
THUD THUD THUD.
Someone was at the front door. Disoriented and half awake, I made my way over to the door. I had no idea what time it was.
THUD THUD THUD.
“Coming,” I called out weakly. I pulled the door open to be greeted by two men from the police department.
At the sight of them, I was suddenly very awake, my stomach churning. I swallowed hard, deathly afraid of the news they were going to deliver to me.
“Can, can I help you?”
“Cass Reilly?”
“Yes,” I whispered. My eyes starting to burn, the ache in my stomach becoming greater with every passing second.
All I Want for Christmas: A Contemporary Romance Holiday Collection Page 15
