We spent close on an hour with the psychologist, who made Braden draw pictures of his family. It was no surprise when he drew his imaginary family, a mother with long brown hair, a dad he had never mentioned before and a little sister, all standing next to what looked to be a wooden house covered in snow. I didn’t even feature. After all the tests were done, Braden was left to play in the play room while I waited for the conclusion to this madness.
“Miss Callaway, does Braden have a father?” he asked and I cringed.
“Well, it’s complicated, I only found out I was pregnant after his dad was out of the picture, so he doesn’t know his dad.”
“Have you ever told him about his dad?”
“No, he never asks about him, he has also never mentioned his imaginary dad,” I said, watching him jot down notes.
Why did I suddenly feel like I was under scrutiny?
“Look, it’s very early to tell, and there are other tests I can run, but from what I am able to determine, it looks like Braden is experiencing some sort of past life regression, are you familiar with that term?”
Off course I am, I wasn’t born under a rock, “Yes I am, but as far as I know that’s a lot of speculation with no real facts to prove that it actually exist.”
“Yes, it is. The idea of past life regression is unfortunately unchartered territory, but some great progress has been made to determine the science behind it,” he slid a brochure over to me and then smiled, “Children eventually grow out of it. With the right approach, they soon learn that the past life they tend to cling to is something of the past and they soon start to adopt their new life with much enthusiasm.”
“Okay, so what am I supposed to do now? I mean, he hardly talks and putting him in a day care makes it even worse, because other kids make fun of him.”
“It’s no easy task, but I would like to help you through the process,” he said and rode back in his chair.
“I don’t want him on any medication,” I objected, that was the last thing I wanted. Nowadays everyone seems to want to shove pills down kids’ throats for the simplest of conditions. If the kid is too active its ADHD, when all it is, is the fact that the child has no way of expending the pent-up energy that gathers from spending too much time behind the television or playing computer games.
“No pills. Your first step is to stop rejecting his other family, you need to embrace them. Ask him to tell you about them. You need to show him that you are interested in his life, and that you care for his other family.”
What he said made perfect sense; I was just not so sure if I could cope with the jealousy factor. Braden compared me to his mom with everything I did.
“Another thing I might suggest is to get in touch with his biological father if you can. Giving him that closure might just trigger him, the fact that he has never mentioned that to you means that he is afraid to approach the subject with you.”
“I’ll see what I can do, it’s no easy task to get in touch with his father, but I’ll try.”
That was it, settled. I left the rooms with an information overload and a threatening migraine; at least it wasn’t anything serious like Autism, which was a relief. Now all I needed to do was figure out how I was going to reach out to my little champ.
Much later that day after taking pain killers and while Braden was taking his afternoon nap, I picked up the pamphlet the doctor gave me. Lamarckism - a condition whereby an organism passes on acquired characteristics to offspring, which may include past memories of the parents or grandparents. The more I read the more I realized that going to the psychologist wasn’t such a bad idea after all. There were still a lot of questions that remained unanswered and the condition itself was still being studied in-depth, but at least I had some direction now.
Get in touch with his biological father – my conscience reminded me very inaptly. Caleb had no idea that Braden existed, how was I ever going to tell him after all these years?
Caleb
I shoved the empty glass over to the bar tender and around me the bar was buzzing with bikers from all over taking advantage of happy hour. Above me the television blared out loud, as always baseball or football, never rugby.
“How about changing the channel,” I asked the bartender above the noise.
“Watcha wanna watch?” he asked, leaning on the counter with his greasy elbow.
“Rugby,” I said blankly, hoping that it may be a much-needed distraction from the thoughts that haunted me.
“Naw man, no-one watches that backwards ball passing shit,” he said laughing and shook his head enough to make his double chin quiver like a blob of jelly.
Exactly the response I expected, these morons all lived under a rock of their own, each with shields on either side of their eyes. Talk about one track minded dumbasses. This dump was seriously starting to work on my nerves.
“Hey Caleb, wanna play a game of pool?”
It was Stinger, who called me over and under normal circumstances I would never turn down the challenge to beat him at pool, but it wasn’t going to help my predicament. I just couldn’t get Rae out of my mind.
“No I’m good, I’m going to head out anyway,” I said and stood up to put on my leather jacket, “I have an early morning tomorrow,” lame excuse, I know, but there wasn’t much else I could say.
On my way, out I greeted the guys from a bikers’ club that frequent the place and headed out. The cool night air was a total contrast to the musty dank smell of the bar. I took a moment just to breathe it in and chase away the smell of cigar smoke that clung to my nostrils. When I closed my eyes, an image of Rae popped into my head. She had the cutest button nose with a dust of freckles that shaded her nose and cheeks, which she hated, but I always told her that she had them because she was kissed by the sun. And she ever did cut her long silky red hair as she always threatened to do on hot summer days. For a moment, I could almost feel her hair threading through my fingers. I recalled the last night we spent together at her dorm room; I had to climb up the side of the dormitory to avoid being caught by the matron on duty. That night was imprinted in my mind forever. She had this cute blush that made her look all innocent while she slowly undressed. I was like a horny teenager then, she never got past her bra, I simply couldn’t wait to touch her, and boy did I touch her! She was like clay in a potter’s hand, and I was the potter, moulding her body with my hands and my lips.
I let out a groan and shook my head; these were careless memories that evoked nothing but pain and loss. I was about to get back on my bike when my phone vibrated in my pocket, it was a message from an unknown number, but the message was from no stranger.
Hey Caleb, it’s been a while, where are you these days? Rae
We’ll I’ll be damned, Damien must have given her my number, how else would she have gotten it? I read her text again, my thumb hovering over the reply button, but instead I locked my phone and shoved it back in my pocket. Do I reply to her or do I ignore the text? If I had to be outright honest with myself, there was no place in my world for a woman, not one I would settle down with anyway. My life was an easy cruise, I had everything I wanted. I played the game I loved; I got to go on road trips without anyone tying me down. I was pretty damn comfortable and the best part was that money was no problem. My father’s business was self-sustaining with board members running it expertly and all I had to do was show up at meetings and rake in the benefits of being the main shareholder. Besides that, I had Hayley, Stephanie, Joanne and Tracy the four hottest cheerleaders of our squad who were more than willing to be content with one night stands when the mood was right. What else could I possibly ask for?
By the time I got home my fingers were frozen and my face was numb, but in my pocket my phone was like a burning coal, reminding me of Rae’s text. I rushed inside, tore off my jacket and rolled my shoulders to relieve some tension. What was it with me, and why was she contacting me now after all these years, surely she wasn’t still looking for closure. I looked at her text again and ag
ainst my better judgement I hit reply.
Hey, I’m in Denver living the life, you? C.
I didn’t quite expect such a quick reply, but there it was.
I’m in Lafayette, we’re neighbours, fancy that!
I could hardly stand the suspense, there was more to this than idle chit chat, so instead of responding by text I called.
There was a slight delay in her answering her phone, and I was about to hang up when a tentative hello resonated on the other side.
“I hope you don’t mind me calling you,” I said and as lowered myself down on the sofa toeing my boots off.
“Oh no, not at all, it was a little unexpected, that’s all,” she said, she sounded different. Obviously four years down the line I couldn’t exactly expect her to sound the same, but I did notice that there was sadness in her tone.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, of course it is…” a suspended pause followed, “well, no. There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“I gathered as much after Damien told me to call you, so what’s up?” I asked and for some reason the thought of her getting married popped up in my mind. I felt my mood change from indifference to annoyance. Why would her getting married affect me this way after all these years? I shifted and stuffed another cushion under my head. I had no reason to be upset in fact I should be happy for her.
“Caleb, I-I don’t know how to say this…” she started.
“You’re getting married, is that it?” I butted in.
“What? No!” she said in a high-pitched tone followed by a soft controlled sigh, “maybe this was a mistake, I need to go.”
Without as much as a goodbye she hung up and I stared blankly at my phone. I wanted to call her back but the uneasy feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach made me think twice. Instead of calling her back, I shoved my phone in my pocket and got on my bike again. Maybe she was right, it was a mistake and repeating history had the habit of stabbing you in the back. I much preferred to let sleeping dogs lie.
Rae
What was I thinking considering telling Caleb about Braden after all these years? Caleb had gone on with his life, and I was sure that the last thing he would expect is a surprise father’s-day gift. To suddenly throw a spanner in the works for him could have serious implications. What if he was married or planning to get married, what would his wife or fiancée do or say? The thought of him being married caught me by surprise as a sudden stab of pain poked at my insides, but the moment it surfaced I was quick to supressed it with a dose of reality.
All these years, I managed quite fine on my own and if it wasn’t for Braden’s imaginary world, I would not be in this predicament in the first place, in fact, I wouldn’t even have considered calling him at all. I looked down at Braden where he sat playing with his Legos and I couldn’t help but smile, when he was like this he was so easy to handle and these were the times I wish I could just reach out and hug him and never let him go. Just as I moved to sit on the floor with Braden and attempt to play with him, my phone rang, and when I saw the caller ID my heart skipped a beat. It was Caleb. He wasn’t going to let it go, was he?
“Hello,” I answered tentatively.
“Hey, I figured you needed time to gather yourself after my call last night,” he said and paused, “You wanted to tell me something?”
“It was nothing,” I lied.
“Are you kidding me? After five years, you call to tell me something and then get cold feet?”
I went quiet, and I could hear Caleb breathing on the other end, maybe it was time to come clean and this was a cosmic sign to speak my mind once and for all.
“I have a, well actually, we have a son, he’s four years old now and his name is Braden.”
You know that feeling you get when it feels as if your entire world just got sucked into a black hole and everything faded into the shadows of uncertainty leaving you with nothing but the unexpected truth staring you right in the face? No, me neither and why? Because I knew that the moment I told Caleb he was a father, it will undeniably change the past, present and the future. That was the exact magnitude of this weighted situation. I bet you Caleb had his entire life mapped out; from the coffee he drank every morning to the toothpaste he’d been using since I first met him. And this was the last thing he would have expected, and by the deadly silence that followed, I knew that he was not going to take lightly to the news.
“I’m sorry? Did you just say I have a son?” he sounded tentative.
“Yes, his name is Braden, he’s four now.”
“Send me your address, I’m sending my driver to pick you up,” he demanded and by the tone of his voice, I couldn’t quite determine if he was angry, sad or excited.
“You’re sending your driver?”
I should have figured, even with all that went down when his dad walked out on him; he still had the luxuries most other people could only dream of.
“Yes, my driver. Since I have a son I would very much like to see him,” he stated, a little too expressively.
“I know you do, but there are things I need to tell you first…”
“It can wait, make sure you’re packed and ready, now can I please have your address?”
I rambled off my address and then we ended the call. This was not going to be a walk in the park; I could tell by his tone that he was upset, if not upset at least irritated. What surprised me even more was that he simply accepted it. I would have expected him to at least question my intensions, but instead he simply arranged for his driver to collect me.
Caleb
I stared down at the small piece of paper I scribbled Rae’s address down on; my mind was still spinning like an out of control gear on a lawnmower. All this time and she never bothered to let me know I had a son. Expecting her to be married and dealing with my own disappointment was one thing, finding out that I’m a dad was a whole different ball game. It was like throwing me into a tennis game expecting me to know what I’m doing.
I dragged my fingers through my hair and sank down on the sofa. The why’s and if’s all started to fight a territorial battle in my mind all at once. The overwhelming realization that I was a father was almost too surreal.
I grabbed my phone again and dialled Damien, he had some serious explaining to do, I would have expected my best friend to at least give me some warning.
“Hey, so I assume you spoke to Rae?” Damien said straight off the bat and it instantly annoyed me.
“Bro, seriously, you knew that I was a dad and never bothered to tell me?” I ground out as I paced up and down.
“It wasn’t my place to tell you, she’s my sister and besides, it was only a hunch I had all this time, she only admitted it to me when I told you to get in touch with her again.”
The thing with Damien was that he was painfully in control of any situation even at the worst of times. By the tone of his voice he didn’t sound intimidated or upset, he sounded as if he rehearsed this for a public speech to convince people that radioactive waste was safe.
“Bullshit! You knew this all along and if you had told me about this back when we were in the military, I would have tried to at least be supportive of Rae, and I would have had a chance to get to know my own son.”
“I swear to you, I didn’t know. She never even told our parents you were the father.”
“For fuck sakes man, I have no idea how to raise a son,” I admitted and pinched the bridge of my nose.
“So you’re planning on raising Braden?”
“No, yes, I mean, I have no idea. I’ve sent Samson to go fetch them and bring them to Denver, I honestly have no idea what to expect.”
“A word of advice, they are both fragile, especially Braden so try and stay calm. Things will work themselves out.”
What did he mean by fragile, was Rae in some sort of trouble?
“Fragile, how?”
“That my friend, you will soon figure out, all I’m asking is that you take the time to listen
to Rae,” he said. But I wasn’t so sure if I could be tamed after finding out that the mother of my child had kept him hidden from me as if he was a dirty secret.
“I can’t promise you that, but I’ll try,” I said and then hung up.
There were so many secrets all of a sudden, and I had no idea how to handle it. In my world, it was a matter of black and white. You tackle the player; you steal the ball you score a tri. There were no grey areas, but now I was facing a million shades of grey all at the same time.
Raedene
Everything just happened so fast, by nine o’clock the next morning a Lexus pulled up in front of the house and good old Samson got out and opened the door for us. Some things never change; I can still remember him being dropped off at college by Samson. Caleb was always the spoiled, rich kid amongst the rest of us. Things did however change drastically after his parents’ divorce, and for some reason I figured that he may have finally descended by force of gravity and tasted real-life after he left for the military.
“Miss Callaway, it’s lovely to see you again,” Samson greeted me with a friendly smile.
“Hi Samson, it’s been a while hasn’t it?”
“Indeed. And I see your little boy looks just like you,” he commented.
It was true, Braden had my strawberry blonde hair and forest green eyes, but on closer inspection the shape of his mouth and nose was a cloned copy of Caleb’s.
“Yes he has my eyes, but that’s about it.” Did Samson know that Braden was Caleb’s son? Unsure of what Caleb had confided in his old friend, I omitted to mention the resemblances between the two.
The closer we got to Denver the more nervous I became, so much so that I could feel a hollow form in the pit of my stomach. The last time I was this nervous was when I found out I was pregnant. It was like yesterday when I looked at the two pink lines on the pregnancy test, and now I had no idea how I was going to explain to Caleb why I never told him.
Wrangling the Cowboy: An Older Man & A Virgin Romance Page 14
