by Steve Kluger
ACCOUNT NO.: 7643757
DATE OUT: May 6, 1998
DATE DUE: May 7, 1998
TITLES
I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND
2.99
TOTAL
2.99
THANK YOU FOR RENTING FROM VIDIOTS
Tell Gordo we said Hi. And how come he doesn’t come in anymore? Cherie.
* * *
FROM THE DESK OF
Gordon Duboise
T:
Suppose you liked girls. Suppose you found yourself being chased by a 19-year-old knockout who was also brainy and funny—and who wasn’t (a) psychotic, (b) chemically dependent, (c) on the lam, or (d) a studio executive. Would you stop to remember that you were twice as old as she was, or would you ignore the whole problem and elope to Tahoe?
I need an answer quick. Once our clothes come off, it’s out of my hands.
G
P.S. Leave your verdict on my desk. Mona and I won’t be out of the bedroom until at least Thursday. (She’s the other one I might marry. How am I supposed to know for sure unless I try them both out first?)
FROM THE JOURNAL OF
Travis Puckett
G:
You might as well. The last time you corked somebody half your age, we were 32. At least we won’t have to worry about the Child Welfare Department this time.
You’re hopeless. How do these people find you?
T
BEWARE!
You have just entered
home page of
GORDON DUBOISE
screenwriter/lover/bon vivant
Click here to find out more about me
Click here for a list of my credits
Click here to find out if I’m available for work
Click here to find out if I’m available for play
Click here for pictures of me in my Speedos
Click here for information on my next party (romantic women only)
Click here to send me e-mail
Click here to post a message on my bulletin board (keep it sensitive——I have a poetic heart)
BULLETIN BOARD
Dear Gordo,
Thanks for the pictures. Is all of that you? If so, send more.
—Sue in Milwaukee
Dear Gordo,
I’m 23, I have big tits, I’m working on my master’s, and I could suck the filament out of a lightbulb without breaking the glass. Let me know if you’re ever going to be in Georgia and I’ll show you.
—Rae Ellen in Atlanta
Dear Pig,
You’re disgusting. If you ever got out of the 1970s, you might learn that they made this really incredible discovery: women actually have something more to offer than a dust rag and a hole. Assuming you have any brains, you might consider taking them out of your dick.
—Liz in Chicago
Dude.
I know it says Girls Only, but I’ve got a really creative mouth and I’m in L.A. too. Think about it.
—Blowbuddy
Gordon:
This is your father. I’ve been trying to reach you for three days, but the goddamned line is always busy. Universal should only know why.
If I don’t have a finished script in two weeks, you’d better see if Blowbuddy is willing to pay you, because nobody else will.
FROM THE DESK OF
Gordon Duboise
Pop:
Take your pick:
Two sportswriters, boy and girl. Hate each other on sight but fall in love anyway.
Bad boy meets bad girl. When they fall in love, they turn good. (Somebody dies in this one.)
Boy and girl meet in college, sleep together, it doesn’t work. So they marry other people but wind up together anyway.
Secret agent falls in love with pretty woman who convinces him he’s fighting for the wrong side.
ARGOSY ENTERTAINMENT
Literary Representatives
LOS ANGELES
NEW YORK
TORONTO
LONDON
Gordon:
Woman of the Year
Rebel Without a Cause
When Harry Met Sally
Casablanca, for Christ’s sake
Gordon, how difficult could it be? People are falling in love all the time! Listen to Liz in Chicago and get your brains out of your dick. Remember that old TV show? Seven million tales in the Naked City, and one of them could be happening right under your nose.
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007
Doheny Library
Faculty Research Request
DATE: May 8, 1998
FROM: Travis Puckett
DEPARTMENT: History
BUILDING/ROOM: VKC/223
MATERIALS NEEDED
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS
Julian: The beach in Santa Barbara would be a lot less lonesome if we were holding hands on it. What do you think?
You’re not listening to me. Do you know what my idea of romance is? A blowjob between the salad and the entree. You need a real boyfriend. I’m not him.
P.S. And stop staring at my ass while I’m working. Don’t you have a class to teach?
American History 206
Professor Puckett
May 8, 1998
Final Exam Review Questions
Guys: If you can pull this one off, you shouldn’t have any problems with the real thing.
Alexander Hamilton was about as popular as a piranha at a skinny dip. Yet without him we wouldn’t be here. Whom does he most resemble and why? (Note: I’ll accept a wrong answer if you can persuade me.) (a) Branch Rickey
(b) Curt Flood
(c) Jim Bouton
(d) Bob Gibson
Benedict Arnold and the 1919 White Sox had a lot in common. They were both called traitors, yet they both did what they believed was right, given the gross inequities of the system. How would the Series have ended if the Black Sox had been managed by Arnold instead of by Kid Gleason?
Two of the most significantly related landmarks in U.S. history are Independence Hall and Fenway Park. Choose another pair and state your reasons: (a) Saratoga and Shea Stadium
(b) Valley Forge and Ebbets Field
(c) Fort McHenry and the Polo Grounds
Pick a Revolutionary War All-Star team that includes General Dan Morgan behind the plate and spitball pitcher Benjamin Franklin on the mound. Then pit them against the 1911 New York Giants. Box scores, please.
I’ve been dating this guy for almost three weeks and I really like him. (I could be wrong, but I think he feels the same way.) How long should I wait before I ask him to wear my ring?
Final Exam Review Answers
Tony Norris
5. Nobody asks people to wear their ring anymore. Who have you been talking to? When I started getting serious about Maggie she knew it because I did things like fix her tires and not notice the zit on her chin and stop fucking other girls. I’m guessing it works the same way with guys.
Chuck Navarro
5. You know what your problem is? You’re too much of a tightass. Go back to Question 1 about Alexander Hamilton. “Whom does he most resemble and why?” Travis, people say “who” not “whom” and nobody gives a shit whether it’s right or not. If you like this guy, pop him. What the hell are you waiting for?
Gary Petrie
5. Don’t take this the wrong way, but this is the first time in my life I ever used the word cornball. Trav, it’s 1998. If you really want to score points, give him some stock options instead.
Ray Sorren
5. What do we look like—Dear Fucking Abby? I’ll make a deal with you. If I tell you how to get laid, I get an A. No questions asked. And the same goes for all the other guys too, except for Hatten, who never should have been put in at the end of the fourth quarter with only nineteen seconds left on the clock.
Doug Hatten
5. You want to know how to sweep this guy off his feet? Take everything Sorren says and do exactly the opposite. He
wouldn’t know a lateral pass from a Coke machine if he got hit in the head by both of them. P.S. You’re not acting dopey enough to be in love. Trust me on this.
Corey Gambel
5. Never ever ever ever ever give them a ring when you’re horny, because you’ll only wind up trying to get it back later when it’s way too late. (I made that mistake soph year with an economics major named Sandy and she’s still stalking me.) Do you really love him? If the answer is yes, then go for it.
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007
TO: Travis Puckett
FROM: Andrea Fox
DATE: May 11, 1998
RE: Good News
* * *
Travis:
Marsha Holmes of the Poli-Sci department overheard two football players in the hallway arguing about The Federalist Papers and agreed to push Dean Koutrelakos for the grant. (“My God, Andrea—jocks who think! Imagine the possibilities!”) And the only time Koutrelakos ever ignored Marsha’s advice was when he lost $2,000 betting against Michigan in the Rose Bowl. So we may have another shot at this after all.
I tried calling your office to let you know, but they said you were at the library again. Travis, don’t work yourself too hard.
Andrea
UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA
UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007
Doheny Library
Faculty Research Request
DATE: May 11, 1998
FROM: Travis Puckett
DEPARTMENT: History
BUILDING/ROOM: VKC/223
MATERIALS NEEDED
SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS
Julian: I have something a little scary to ask you, but it can only be done over dinner with French wine. Tomorrow?
Oh, no. This has “marriage” written all over it. Travis, read my lips: remember that Fellini film with the prostitute who says that every new sunrise makes her a virgin? It doesn’t work that way with me. Even the sun thinks I’m a slut.
FROM THE JOURNAL OF
Travis Puckett
THE PUCKETT/DUBOISE DEBATES
GORDO:
I just don’t get it. He’s skinny, he never smiles, and he doesn’t have a sense of humor. Who introduced you guys—Dracula?
TRAVIS:
Hand me the oregano.
GORDO:
Are you listening to me?
TRAVIS:
No. I wanted to pop the question at Le Petit Chalet, but at those prices I’d have to take out a loan against my T-bill—
GORDO:
Wear the pink shirt with the red and blue tie. You look good in that.
TRAVIS:
If I can just get him to move in with me—
GORDO:
Travis, never bring up living together until the tenth date. It doesn’t work.
TRAVIS:
How would you know?
GORDO:
Tried it once on a flight attendant. She went running out of my bedroom like a fan jet blew up.
Cardinal Rule Number 2—Nothing’s worse for your equilibrium than a best friend who tells you the truth.
Okay, so Julian isn’t perfect. I’m not either. I line up my peas. I rotate my socks. I have rules about toilet paper. Who could fall in love with that?! Besides, nobody ever said it was easy, and I’ve got the proof: I’m 37 years old and I’ve had four root canals I didn’t need. Along with twenty-six broken hearts and another dozen near-misses.
But this time I’m going to make it work. What the hell am I waiting for?
* * *
Le Petit Chalet
Les Spécialités de la Maison
Pâté Maison
Your choice of our special homemade pâtés
65.00
Feuillete de Poulet et Champignons
Succulent chicken in a special mushroom sauce with puff pastry shell
25.00
Feuillete d’Oeufs, Jambon et Fromage
Piquant marriage of egg, ham, and cheese in puff pastry shell
22.00
Salade Niçoise
Mediterranean salad of tuna, potatoes, tomatoes, olives, and anchovies
25.00
Pasta Provençale
Tangy tomatoes, onions, tarragon, and fresh basil
28.00
Onglet à l’échalote
Savory skirt steak with shallot sauce and fried potatoes
36.00
Saumon Provençal
Zesty and grilled with broccoli
38.00
Our Orchestra Is Pleased to Welcome
Those Couples in Love
Cheek to Cheek
It Only Takes a Moment
I Get a Kick Out of You
Chances Are
They Say It’s Wonderful
Embraceable You
Almost Like Being in Love
* * *
FROM THE JOURNAL OF
Travis Puckett
$38 FOR FISH?! Are these people out of their fucking minds?! What do they put in the cream sauce—plutonium? And get this: $9 for verre d’eau. Know what that means in English? Glass of water! “Our orchestra is pleased to welcome those couples in love.” Yeah? For $38, you’d better blow me.
I can’t believe they played that song. Out of eighteen million songs they could have picked, they had to play that one. This was an ambush. I’d barely had time to finish a $14 dinner roll and take Julian’s hand to keep him from cruising Apollo at the next table when the ass-kissing orchestra chose that moment to ruin my life with “Almost Like Being in Love.” Twenty years I’ve gotten away without hearing it. Twenty! And now I know why. It was like the prince kissing Snow White—when I woke up, Julian had evaporated, the ring was still on my finger, and I couldn’t even taste the $25 bowl of soup.
Craig.
Craig with the crinkly eyes and Craig who invented the single dimple and Craig who called me Smerko and Craig who taught me about cookie fights and Craig who never laughed at my popcorn and Craig who found a thousand other ways to say “I love you” without using any words. And we let it slip away from us. Just like that. Why do they entrust youth to kids?!
Somebody ought to kick my ass. How bright do you have to be?
* * *
TRAVIS PUCKETT’S BOYFRIEND CHECKLIST
Name: Craig McKenna
Duration: 20 years
Occupation: I don’t know
Where we met: Brigadoon
BEGINNER LEVEL
Can say “I love you”
Isn’t hiding another boyfriend
Thinks kissing is sexy
Has a glowy smile
Is at least marginally sensitive
Will probably remember my name the next morning
INTERMEDIATE LEVEL
Can say “I love you” without my saying it first
Likes me enough to tell me I’m special
Trusts me enough to tell me I’m wrong
Always lets me pick the first fortune cookie
Teases me when I need it but knows when to stop
Pursues making me laugh as a hobby
Pretends to like the same things I do even when he doesn’t
Misses me when we’re apart
Isn’t afraid to fight with me
Allows me to drive him crazy
Would rather do nothing with me than something by himself
Can fall asleep in my lap while I work—and still call it a date
TOP-OF-THE-LINE LEVEL
Can say “I love you” with his eyes
Never lies (except to spare my feelings)
Doesn’t worry about losing me because he knows he can’t
Forgets there was a time when we didn’t know each other
Kisses me for no good reason
Celebrates my faults
Sighs when I hold him
___ Knows all the lyrics to Flora, The Red Menace (optional)
Strong Points:
All o
f them.
Shortcomings:
Nothing I can’t handle.
Comments:
He was the real thing. Find him.
* * *
5
Craig
Noah Kessler
6026 Foxhound Run
Saratoga Springs, New York 12866
May 12, 1998
ATTORNEY-CLIENT COMMUNICATION
Craig McKenna, Esq.
McKenna & Webb
118 Congress Park, Suite 407
Saratoga Springs, New York 12866
Dear Craig,
I think my stepfather is a Nazi. I even had to learn projectile vomiting in case he starts goose-stepping. Mostly I wait until he puts on Wagner and then I let it fly. And he wants me to call him Pop-Pop. Gag me.
Also Frau Schneller is one too. At night when she thinks I’m asleep she calls Berlin and talks in code. She’s a bad influence. She sings “Liebowitz” in the shower. I don’t think I should be left alone with her while my mother and the Brown Shirt are in Hamburg.
