by Bijou Hunter
Despite my fear, I knew her words made sense. “I got scared when he talked about leaving. Got scared of losing him and scared of thinking of leaving with him. I hate being scared.”
“I know,” Winnie said, hugging me.
We sat quietly while I gained control of my fried nerves. Winnie worked the damp clumps out of my hair.
“I don’t want you to leave Ellsberg,” she whispered and my gaze met hers. “But I do want you to be happy.”
After glancing around the room, I gave into my need to gossip. “His kisses are so good.”
Winnie grinned and scooted closer. “I never thought you’d like that stuff.”
“I shouldn’t like it. Maybe I don’t really like it, but I like him. When Saint touches me, I don't think about what he’s doing. I only think about him.”
Smiling growing, Winnie took my hand. “That's how it is with Dylan. I sometimes think about having sex at the end of the day. I'll know he’s coming to bed and I get a really bad feeling. I start thinking about those pigs who hurt me then I see Dylan and the bad feeling goes away. I trust him and my body knows him. I want you to have that comfort with someone.”
“Not Saint though?”
“I don’t know him. He’s big and scary and a professional killer. If I knew him like I know the guys from the crew, I would understand what you see in him.”
“I doubt he’ll want to go bowling,” I muttered. “I don’t even like bowling.”
“See if he’ll come to dinner and meet Mom and Dad. Dylan and I can come too, so he won’t feel on the spot. We can get to know him.”
The image of Saint and my parents chatting in my house made me nervous. What if they hated him? What if he decided I was too ordinary for such an extraordinary man? What if neither happened, but Saint wanted to leave Ellsberg and take me with him?
As much as I craved Saint, I didn’t know if I was strong enough to live without my family and friends nearby.
Chapter Twenty Eight ~ Saint
Tucker Johansson and Dayton Rutgers decided to take the competition between their families to a new level by having a hot dog eating contest. While I watched them devour food, Harlow hurried inside and talked with her sister. I hoped they were only gossiping, yet worried Winnie was telling her to run, not walk, away from me.
By the time Tucker puked and Dayton was declared the winner, only to puke a minute later, I’d grown restless. Harlow was my dreamcatcher and I feared losing her. Where the hell would I go if she denied me? I couldn’t go home. I didn’t know how to start over anywhere. Maybe with Harlow, I’d find a way. Without her, I remained the man Mexico created.
“I don’t want boys,” Harlow said, standing next to me. “They’re gross.”
Studying her beautiful face, I knew she’d been crying. Yet she still looked at me and smiled.
“My mama raised me not to overeat,” I said, wrapping an arm around her. “Rivers of puke is what happens when you don’t train boys.”
Saying nothing, Harlow leaned her head against my chest. Her silence made me edgy, but I wasn’t someone who got chatty about his feelings either.
“I heard about an Italian place just outside of town. It’s supposed to be above average,” I said when she remained silent.
Harlow stepped away from me, sending an angry chill through me. I followed her gaze and caught Lenny checking us out.
“Fuck him,” I whispered.
“It’s not smart for anyone to think you and I are doing anything more than messing around.”
“True,” I said, wrapping my arm around her again. “But fuck it.”
Harlow grinned. “Does your mom make spaghetti?”
“Yeah, but she likes rice dishes better than pasta.”
“My mom loves Italian food,” she said then added, “My Ellsberg mom.”
“What about your Arizona mom?”
“She made us a lot of Hamburger Helper. Does that count?”
“Of course. In fact, I can down an entire box of the cheeseburger macaroni stuff, but I'm careful to eat it in an orderly fashion to ensure I don’t vomit.”
Harlow’s expression held such warmth. My worries soon disappeared over her escape with Winnie.
“I want to know more about you," she said softly. " I want to know everything I can about you. Well everything you feel safe telling me.”
“It’s not you that makes me unsafe. It’s all the ears in this town. All the eyes too. Too many damn people want to know everyone’s business. It’s why I hate small towns.”
Harlow looked at me as if I had kicked her kitten. I didn't know how to make her understand my negative feelings for Ellsberg weren’t personal. Figuring I ought to let the subject drop, I took her hand.
“Let’s bail.”
Harlow waved at Winnie. There was a growing party vibe around the house, so I was glad to flee to my SUV. I dumped my supplies into the backseat then opened the door for her.
“Nice manners,” she said, sounding happier than her expression betrayed.
“Mama taught me right.”
Looking tired, Harlow only nodded. I walked around the SUV, slid into the driver’s seat, and leaned over to kiss her.
Harlow returned my affection, but felt distant now. She was sitting next to me while seeming a million miles away.
We returned to the apartment and took turns in the shower. I wanted to say something to make things right between us. I just didn't know what she needed to hear.
The night before, Harlow stood up to me the way I needed. I tried to run away and she forced me to acknowledge how I felt. Though she kept slapping me in the face with how perfect we were for each other, maybe I wasn’t perfect for her. Was this what her sister told her?
When we arrived at the Italian restaurant, Harlow smiled, though not at me. She spotted Vaughn and Judd with their wives in the parking lot. She jumped from the car as soon as I parked and hurried over to them.
I wondered if I could live in a town like this one. To keep Harlow, I clearly needed to stay in Ellsberg. She needed the familiarity of her family and friends to survive. I needed her to be happy. Apparently, I was a small town guy now.
“We’re shopping for fancy meats,” Tawny announced as I arrived.
“Why fancy?”
“Why the hell not?” Vaughn said, nodding at me in the tough guy way that probably scared other men. “Are you here for meat?”
“Italian,” I said, gesturing at the restaurant two doors down from the deli.
Harlow glanced at me then her friends. I nearly expected her to devise a lame excuse to ditch me. Instead, she wrapped her arm through mine and smiled at Tawny and Raven.
“Have fun with your meat.”
The girls laughed while the men smirked. Accepting the locals enjoyed frat humor, I reminded myself to throw out plenty of fart jokes the next time I chat them up again.
Harlow kept hold of me until we sat down. I enjoyed the feel of her skin against mine. Her touch felt warm and inviting. Desire for Harlow never made me think of Mexico.
We looked over the menu silently. I wasn’t sure when I got so damn needy, but I was worried again. Was she only biding her time until I left town? Would she enjoy our time together then bail after the paintball games? The questions rolling around in my fucking head were making me tense. I finally asked her what I was thinking and put an end to the suspense.
“Did you talk to your sister about last night? Did you tell her how I lost control?”
Harlow shook her head, saying nothing. Still tense, I scratched at my neck. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
“I talked about how I didn’t want you to leave,” she said in a soft, almost sad voice.
Now understanding her quiet demeanor since talking with Winnie, I felt like an idiot. “Did you tell her when I leave that I want you to come with me?”
Harlow nodded. I swore she was fighting tears, yet her eyes remained dry.
Sighing, I stood up and changed seats. “I don’t like
being so far away from you.”
Smiling at this, Harlow watched me take the seat to her right. Fingers sliding over my forearm, making little circles, she held my gaze.
“I know you’re young,” I said, seeing such fear in her eyes. “I have a decade of experiences under my belt that you don't. I know you’re still living at home and your sister is your best friend. You felt like leaving this town will destroy you. I was scared as hell to leave home when I was your age. Of course, it turned out my leaving didn’t end well. That’s not the point though. My point is despite what I want, I'm aware you're young and I'm asking a lot.”
Harlow’s fingers linked with mine. “The thought of you leaving makes my chest hurt, but I might not be ready for what you need.”
“I said I’d stay in town for a while.”
“Maybe it won't be long enough.”
“No.”
“No what?” she asked.
“You’re not bailing on me because you’re scared. Not after your speech last night.”
“I’m messed up,” she whispered, leaning forward. “I’m not strong enough to be what you need.”
Waving off her worries, I caressed her hand in mine. “I might be about to turn thirty, but I’m like you when it comes to relationships. I’ve only had one girlfriend and we were never sexual.”
Harlow frowned as if I was lying. When she rolled her eyes, I couldn't help laughing.
“It’s true. Her name is Samantha and we met in junior high school. She was in my church group and I didn’t like her at all. She was a tattletale and always using alliteration to give people nicknames. Like Grumpy Gus and Laughing Lydia. Drove me crazy, so I avoided her as much as possible.”
“She sounds special,” Harlow said, distrusting my story.
Laughing at her expression, I continued, “Samantha mellowed out as she got older. So did I. By high school, we started dating and kept dating until we graduated. We even talked about getting married after our missionary work. Samantha traveled to Africa while I went to Mexico.”
“What happened?”
“It would sound perfectly to claim she broke my heart by falling in love with another man while I was locked away in prison. Oh, how I suffered to return and find her marrying a missionary she met in Africa. She ruined me, making me incapable of trusting another woman.”
“That would explain a lot actually.”
“Yeah, but it’d be a lie. I don’t know if I ever loved Samantha as much as a man can love a woman. I did love her though. She was my best friend and like a member of the family. I don’t think I loved her in a passionate way, if that makes sense. I certainly didn’t look at her the way her new guy did. Even if I had loved her that way, I was relieved to know she moved on while I was locked up. If she had waited, I’d have been the asshole who dumped her instead.”
“Because you changed.”
“Yeah. I was a naïve fuck when I went to Mexico. Being in prison woke up something dark and ugly in me. That part of me had no use for the life I planned with Samantha. I left home a man and returned a killer. She would never understand that part of me and I would never be able to show her my real face. Pretending to be a good man would have been a lie, but I might have wasted time trying to tell it. Instead, God brought her a man who loved her like I never would. She felt guilty, but I was relieved.”
“Do you know what happened to her? Like do you keep in touch?”
“My mom gives me updates. Samantha and her man have two little girls. They run a charity in Mississippi. All rainbows and fairytales.”
“You don’t want any of that kind of life.”
Sighing, I wasn't sure what the right answer might be. “My temporary retirements have become a joke with the Memphis guys, but I really do want to walk away from this job. I just don’t know what the hell to do with myself once I stop being Saint. I never feel like I belong anyway. On my vacations, I do charity work. Then I'll see assholes hurting people and I return to killing.”
Studying Harlow, I continued, “I need someone to keep me grounded. A woman who sees the bad in me, but encourages the good. If I found that woman, we could have a kid and get a home.”
Harlow closed her eyes. “I can’t picture you whipped.”
“Try harder,” I said, squeezing her hand. “Imagine me wearing one of those grilling aprons and mom jeans. Yeah, I’d make one hell of a domestic goddess.”
Laughing, Harlow opened her eyes. “Would you be a stay at home dad while your wife worked?”
“Sure, why not? I’ve seen more horrifying things than anything a baby can put in a diaper.”
Based on Harlow's smile, she was thinking about her and me and baby made three. Women always thought about that stuff and I was handing her the ammunition to dream.
“Samantha and I were waiting until marriage. That might sound like madness, but I never wanted to touch her like I want to touch you.”
Harlow’s expression shifted ever so slightly. “We’re not so different. Our first sexual experiences were ugly, so we can't imagine it being any different. What happens on your birthday though?”
Anger boiling up inside me at remembering, I nodded. “I hire an escort and fuck like a mean bastard. I still hate being that kind of man, but the girl gets paid and knows what'll happen. With you, I can learn to be different. I'm already different in just the last few days. That’s why I'll wait for you.”
Harlow glanced around the restaurant then back at me. “I wish I was strong the way you are.”
“You will be. Give it time.”
“Will I be smart like you too?” she said, clearly teasing me. “Wise and patient.”
Leaning forward, I held her gaze. “With me, you can be any damn thing you want.”
“But not without you?”
“No. It’s a package deal.”
Harlow grinned. “Then it’s not much of a choice, is it?”
“No, it really isn’t,” I said, losing my grin. “I don’t know if it’s ever been much of a choice with you. Not even when I thought I was completely in control.”
Harlow nodded. “I’ve done things that make no sense, but I do them because it’s you.”
“I never really believed I'd find a woman able to handle my degree of fucked up. That was before you attacked me in the woods. Now a lot of things seem possible.”
Grinning, Harlow sat back in her chair. “Man, I really thought I was going to kick your ass that day. Seems so stupid now, but the whole world feels different since then.”
“We’re messed up, Harlow,” I said, caressing her cheek. “In here and here,” I added, pressing her hand against my head and chest. “We’re twisted, but unbroken. We’re still standing and fighting. There’s no reason we can’t make this thing between us work. People far more fucked up than us have found happiness. I’ve seen them and I always figured they were fooling themselves. I was so damn jaded before you, but I need to dream now.”
“What if we crash and burn?”
“At least we’ll know. Doing this takes more courage than kicking someone’s ass in a fight. If we fail, it’ll hurt a hell of a lot more too. We have to try though or the rest of our lives will be ruined with wondering what if.”
Harlow didn’t immediately agree. Even wanting to hate her for not jumping into the unknown with me, I understood her hesitancy. She feared a broken heart more than a life alone. Harlow had family and friends. She might say goodbye to me without regretting the choice for a long time.
I knew though. Without Harlow, I would never leave this life of death. If she turned her back on me, no other woman could mend my heart. The darkness I struggled against would finally overwhelm me. Harlow was my only path to happiness.
Chapter Twenty Nine ~ Harlow
Saint remained in an optimistic mood through dinner. He told me his favorite movie was Armageddon, yet he felt no shame in loving a crappy movie. He was allergic to chocolate, but never had much of a sweet tooth. He liked salty foods better. Saint asked me easy
questions about food and movies. Nothing I might hesitate answering. Nothing that might lead me to asking questions he couldn’t answer.
Yet by dessert, Saint was tense. He tapped his fingers a lot and glanced around as if we were under threat. I wanted to soothe him, but I didn’t know how to promise anything without lying. Ellsberg was my home and it could never be his.
Back at the apartment, we watched TV with the distance of the couch between us. With such an oppressive silence, we were having our first fight. Would this argument also be our last?
“I’m sorry,” I said, resting in bed later.
Saint rolled on his side, facing away from me. “Life does what it does while we make the best of it.”
“I don’t know what that means.”
“Neither do I, but it sounds good. Let’s get some sleep.”
“Okay,” I whispered, staring at his back.
Against my better judgment, I reached out and ran my fingers down his spine. He tensed at my touch, but didn’t ask me to stop. Removing my hand, I turned over on my side facing away from him. I stayed that way for a long time, thinking about losing Saint. I also tried to imagine leaving Ellsberg. Neither option felt right.
When trapped with Playboy, I thought to run. I even considered going to the police and ratting him out. I'd imagined my brother and sister stuck in foster care. Would the club put me in a grave to keep me from causing more trouble? Even when I thought to run away, I realized I’d end up turning tricks to survive. One hell or another, I refused to choose. Eventually, Playboy made the choice.
Would things have turned out better if I hadn’t been too afraid to choose? I’d never know the answer. With Saint, either I decided or he’d leave and decide for me. I might again make the coward’s choice. Of course, I could leave with him and end up miserable anyway.
Dozing off, I imagined a life where Saint was happy in Ellsberg. I could remain surrounded by family and friends while keeping this amazing man. In my fantasy, everything was easy. I hoped my thoughts turned into dreaming of us together.
Instead, I suffered through a feverish dream about shoe shopping. I hated shopping especially for shoes. Waking up, I found Saint sleeping soundly next to me. We’d changed positions in the last few hours and were now facing each other. Remembering how we’d gone to sleep tense, I decided to leave him to rest.
