by Amy DuBoff
“Wow, that’s—”
Saera shook her head. “Oh, just wait. So, my mom kept the pregnancy to herself, and raised me on her own at first. But when I was four, she decided that she was done with me, and she dumped me off on my dad. Naturally, his wife didn’t take too kindly to this. Here I was, proof of his infidelity, and I had to go live with them. They eventually reconciled somewhat, and had another baby after I’d lived with them for a year. The two older kids hated me for the rift I’d caused in the family. To top it off, I was precocious and had a knack for stealing the spotlight without meaning to. It made me an outcast among my own family.”
Bomax. I know all about being a precocious kid. “That must have been difficult.”
“It gets much worse,” Saera said through a pained laugh. “They skipped me two grades, but even then nothing at school was challenging for me. None of the girls wanted to be friends with me. In time, the guys around me became interested in only one very specific thing, but I was still too young to be noticed by most.”
You’re beautiful and smart. Many find that intimidating.
“Eventually, I lost control. I guess it started when I was eleven. My older brother had this friend who often slept over at our house. One night, the friend snuck into my room and got in bed with me. He made me feel wanted in a way I never had been in all my life, and before I really knew what was happening we were having sex. I felt completely ashamed afterward, like I’d given away a part of myself with no meaning at all. I didn’t tell anyone about what had happened.”
“Saera…” That’s so young… And to feel so alone.
Saera shook her head, tears forming in her eyes. “But, part of me felt like I deserved that kind of violation—after the mess I’d caused in my own family.”
“None of that was your fault. Your father—”
“I know that now.” Saera sniffed back tears. “But I didn’t see it that way then. So every time my brother’s friend came over and wandered into my bedroom, I gave in. As I got older, others began looking at me in that same way. I came to think of it as a way to get acceptance where I’d never been able to find any before—I was pretty, I knew it, and I used it get the wrong kind of attention. And, of course, once you freely give away something enough, others will start to take it through coercion or force. I lost all respect for myself, if I ever had any. Over the next four years, only one guy ever looked at me as a real person. I think he had admired me from a distance for some time, but to me he was just a pity-fuck. I realize in retrospect that I was a miserable, bitter person who felt unworthy of anything good in my life.”
Wil looked down, unsure what to say. I can’t believe that’s the same person who’s sitting here with me. Is that what happens when someone is pushed to the limits of their endurance? Will I one day break, too?
“So, when I got the invitation from the TSS, I at last saw an opportunity to start over. I threw myself into studying, and I swore off men.” She swallowed. “But then you came along. Now...”
She’s expecting rejection, I can see it in her eyes. But what we have together… Wil felt completely heartbroken for Saera, that she’d been to such a dark place she’d given up hope. But Wil thought of himself—how he’d spent the last year so preoccupied with his future facing the Bakzen that he’d tried to shut out everyone who cared. If things were a little different, I’d be in that dark place, too. As much as he resented how his own life had been planned out for him, he never doubted the love from his parents or the support from his extended TSS family. I can’t imagine feeling like I had to give myself away just to gain others’ affection. Wil looked Saera straight in the eye and gently touched the side of her face. For very different reasons, we need each other. Nothing in our pasts could change what we can have in a future together. “You can leave all that behind.” Now you have me.
“Still, I need to live with that past for the rest of my life. I’m disgusted with myself.” Saera looked away, her eyes glistening. “You’re probably repulsed by me now, too.”
“No.” It’s not something I expected, but we all have regrets. If anything, being able to overcome that history makes me respect her even more. “Your past only has as much hold over you as you let it have. It doesn’t change anything for me. I promise you, this really is a fresh start.”
Saera’s lip trembled. “With you, or here with the TSS?”
“Both.”
Saera sniffed back tears. “Please don’t give me false hope.”
“What?”
Saera jumped to her feet. “It’s really late, I should go. I never should have come here.”
Shite. Wil followed Saera toward the door. “Saera, what’s wrong?”
Saera wiped her eyes. “I thought I could, but I can’t do this.” She took an unsteady breath. “I already care about you way too much. Even if you accept my history, I know who you are, and that you’d never stay with a nobody like me. You’ll end up breaking my heart. I may as well just save us both the trouble and leave now.”
I guess it’s time for that talk… “Do you think I’ve been leading you on?”
“I don’t know. Or maybe it’s all been in my head.”
“No, Saera. I do care about you. There’s something between us that’s deeper than where we’re from or what we’ve been through.”
Saera looked at him, her eyes searching for understanding. “If it’s not my past or that I’m from Earth, then why are you still holding back?”
The truth I don’t want to face… “Because whatever self-loathing you may have experienced, mine for myself runs far deeper. Not for anything I’ve done in the past, but for what I will do.” Wil paused, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. “Saera, I have a duty to do terrible, terrible things. I can’t imagine bringing anyone I love into that. I don’t want anyone to see what that will do to me.” How it will destroy me until I can’t live with myself anymore.
Saera caught herself, processing. “That’s not for you to decide,” she said at last, taking Wil’s hands. “You need to let others in if they want to be there with you.”
Wil’s eyes stung. She doesn’t know what it would mean for her. That she’d be left alone to inherit my responsibilities. “That’s what scares me the most—knowing that others would give up the pure part of themselves just to stand by me. To be tainted by all those awful things I must do. It feels selfish to accept such a gift.”
“Well, I’m far from pure.” Saera slid her hands to Wil’s hips and looked him in the eye. “There’s a lot of bad out there. Embrace the gifts when they’re given.”
“And if you can’t accept me? Once you know who I really am.” That I’m really a weapon waiting to be unleashed.
“I’ll find a way.”
Wil shook his head. “It’s not that easy. I— I never thought I’d find someone who could look at me the way you do. I couldn’t take it to see you ever look at me any differently, but I know that that day would come eventually. Yet, at the same time, I’ve seen a glimpse of what it could be like to be with you. Now I don’t know if I can face a future alone.”
In one motion, Saera rose up and locked her lips on his, drawing him toward her. Without thinking, he kissed her back, relishing the taste and feeling of her soft lips. It was tender, but there was an electrifying spark with the contact. They drew closer to each other, feeling a surge of energy release—fully activating the resonance connection that had been kept at bay since their first meeting. For that moment, Wil felt completely at peace. He had found a part of himself he hadn’t even known he was missing, and he never wanted to return to the way things were before.
Breathless, Saera pulled back. “What was that?”
“Confirmation of everything we haven’t wanted to admit.”
Saera bit her lip. “How would this even this work? You’re graduating soon, and—”
Wil looked her in the eye and cupped her face in his hand. “It won’t be easy, Saera, but I can’t ignore what we have.” We each carry burdens
, but perhaps we can bear them more easily together.
She nodded. “Me either.”
“I need you to think about this. Once we go down this path, there’s no turning back.”
She held him close. “I’ve wanted this since the day we met. I just didn’t realize how much until now.”
Wil touched her mind as they embraced—feeling her thoughts and intentions. She really means it. “There’s still so much you don’t know about me.”
Saera looked up at him. “The way you look at me, that’s all I need to know.”
Will I be able to look at her that way after I’ve annihilated an entire race? “Just think on it. Let it settle. I wish we could just date like normal people, but being with me at all is a life-long deal.”
Saera smiled and was about to reply, but she was stopped by the seriousness in Wil’s gaze. “I’ll think about it.”
“Okay. Now, you should probably get back. I’ve kept you out far later than I intended.”
Saera took a step toward the door. “When will I see you again? The midterm secondary exams are in three days when we would normally have freefall training.”
Shite, the exams! I never should have invited her here tonight. “Saera, do you want to pursue the Command track?”
She thought for a moment. “Yes.”
“Then I can’t talk to you until after the exams.”
“Why?”
He looked at the clock: it was already 23:07. Stars, this is cutting it so close. I need to check the details. “I can make sure you get a good recommendation, but you need to go right now.” He gave her a quick kiss.
Saera held his hand for a moment longer before opening the door. “I won’t let you down.” She slipped into the hallway and Wil closed the door behind her.
Wil felt an emptiness as soon as she was gone. I don’t know what I’ll do if she changes her mind… Regardless, there were more immediate concerns. He sat back down on the couch. “CACI, bring up the TSS rulebook.”
CHAPTER 14
Saera observed the alien world around her. At first glance, the surrounding landscape could have passed for the Sierra Nevada mountains in California back on Earth, but there were subtle differences in the plants and the small animals running through the tall grass. She caught a glimpse of a creature that resembled a rabbit, but the wispy shape of the ears was unlike anything she’d ever seen.
The TSS contingent was gathered in an expansive clearing at the base of a tree-covered hill. Transport shuttles were lined up on the far side of the meadow, and the hundred Trainees were facing the tree line, organized by training group. Just over a hundred Junior Agents faced the Trainees. There was only a single Agent present, whom Saera recognized as Agent Wincowski from the orientation six months earlier. She searched the faces of the Junior Agents, and while some looked familiar, none were the one she wanted to see.
While her roommates had spent the last three days studying for the written portion of the secondary exams that had concluded the previous afternoon, Saera had found her mind mostly wandering to thoughts of Wil. The more times she replayed their last night together in her mind, the more convinced she became that she would do anything for him. Hopefully all the earlier tutoring with Wil paid off and I didn’t fail the exams. Her heart skipped a beat thinking about him. Gah! Get control of yourself.
“Attention!”
The shout was as much in her mind as it was heard by her ears. She wasn’t used to feeling the unrestricted use of telekinesis and telepathy allowed outside Headquarters.
The Trainees all straightened and clasped their hands behind their backs.
“We will begin shortly,” Agent Wincowski announced. He looked around at the Junior Agents then checked his handheld. “At ease.” He kept glancing in the direction of the shuttles.
Some of the Junior Agents looked annoyed. It was approaching mid-morning, and the sun was warming up the field. Everyone was dressed in long-sleeves and pants, and some began to shift in the heat. They had all been given a backpack when they filed onto the transport shuttles, and many Trainees began rummaging for water bottles. What are we waiting for?
Several minutes passed, and Wincowski left his post by the stack of handhelds on a maglev cart to talk with a Junior Agents. Saera couldn’t hear what he said, but she saw the Junior Agents shrug in response. Wincowski sighed and returned to his previous position. He again looked toward the line of shuttles. Eventually, he straightened and again called everyone to attention.
Saera glanced over her shoulder to see what the Agent had been waiting for, and she was surprised to see Wil making his way across the field. Why is he here so late?
Everyone stayed at attention until Wil fell into line with the other Junior Agents.
“Thank you for joining us,” Wincowski said to Wil as he passed, just loud enough for the Trainees to know it was a reprimand.
“Sorry,” Wil muttered.
That isn’t like him. Saera tried to catch his eye, but he avoided her gaze.
“As promised,” Wincowski went on, “this is the field portion of your midterm examinations, which will determine your training track within the TSS. The top-scoring Trainee will also get to attend our annual party in three days, in case you needed any more incentive.” He smiled. “You will be paired up with a Junior Agent, who will perform a one-on-one evaluation of your capabilities and submit a recommendation. Use any resources at your disposal. Your packs contain supplies for two days, but the exam is designed to be completed before nightfall. You may ask any questions you like, but your tester is not allowed to give any direct answers. The entire evaluation will be recorded, but you may request to speak to your tester ‘off the record’ for up to five minutes during the evaluation, but may do so no more than four times. Even during those times, the tester is not allowed to divulge any privileged information about the exam. A committee of Agents will review the recording, the written recommendation, an assessment from your Agent trainer, and your class grades to make a final decision about your placement.” Wincowski glanced at the Junior Agents. “Each Junior Agent has had time to review the Trainee files and select an individual to score. The selection will be made in the order of Junior Agent standing. When your name has been called by your assigned Junior Agent, take your backpack and meet them by the tree line.” He paused while the Junior Agents gathered their own backpacks. “As the top-ranked Junior Agent, you’re up first, Sights.”
Saera’s heart fluttered as Wil stepped forward from the line of Junior Agents.
“Given that standing, it’s only fitting that I take the Trainee with the highest score on the written evaluation,” Wil stated. “For that reason, I selected Saera Alexander.”
I scored the highest? Though caught off-guard, she was relieved that Wil had picked her. She grabbed her backpack and jogged forward. As she made her way toward Wil, she sensed everyone’s eyes on her. Do they know about us? She felt better as Junior Agents began calling out other Trainees by name, but she still felt exposed.
Wil was waiting casually as Saera approached him. “Shall we begin?” he asked her.
“I’m ready.”
Two Junior Agents were standing behind Wincowski next to the cart with the handhelds. One of them picked up a handheld from the stack and made an entry before handing it to Wil. “Good luck.”
Wil took the handheld and led Saera up the hill into the trees. He made a few entries of his own on the handheld before handing it to Saera. “This will record the evaluation,” Wil explained. “A set of coordinates has been loaded onto the map. There is no direct path to the destination, and it is up to you to determine how to best meet the objective. Each scenario has its trade-offs. There is no one ‘right’ answer—do what you feel is most appropriate. Are the parameters of the examination understood?”
Saera nodded.
“Verbal confirmation, please.”
“Yes, understood,” Saera stated.
“The assessment is now underway. Please proceed.”
He handed the handheld to Saera.
She took the device from him, feeling awkward with the formal interaction. Remember, this is a test. He’s evaluating you.
Saera took a moment to clear her mind, then brought up the holographic projection of the map on the handheld to survey their surroundings. The marked destination was on the other side of the hill, approximately eleven kilometers away. It was on the other side of a river, and several areas were marked in red on the map. A key indicated that the red denoted a hostile territory, and there were several red stars in the nearby neutral territories. There appeared to be no route to the destination that would avoid all the hostile territories, and the river would need to be crossed. “What are those red stars?”
“Weapons caches.”
Saera frowned. “Is that really necessary?”
“That’s up to you,” Wil replied.
“I guess I could check it out.” Saera oriented herself on the map and set out toward the nearest red star. It was only half a kilometer away, so it seemed like a worthwhile detour.
Their path took them up the hill and then off to the side down a shallow ravine. Saera kept her eye on the map as they progressed, making sure they were on course. Along the back wall of the ravine she spotted an arrangement of rock slabs that didn’t appear natural; its location aligned with the red star indicated on the handheld.
“That must be it,” she said, stepping over to the rocks.
On the far side of the formation, a slit was left open to allow access into a cave. Saera activated a light on the handheld and flashed it inside. Nothing was visible beyond the smooth gray stone. Cautiously, she stepped inside with Wil following a pace behind.
The walls curved to the side, directing her into an alcove. A sliver of light shone through a crack in the surrounding rock slabs, illuminating a two-meter-tall rack filled with an assortment of weapons.
Saera inspected the rack more closely using the light on her handheld. “I don’t even know what some of these do.” The pulse rifles and handheld blasters were familiar from her intro tactical classes, but some black spheres on the bottom rack were a complete mystery.
