by Leanne Davis
“Most people do.”
“Most people care about what you think of them. I don’t.” She smiled sweetly, swirling the ice in her drink, taking a sip and grabbing a chunk of ice with her teeth. Crunching into it, she munched and grinned at him. Of course, she was deliberately provoking him.
He nodded. “You’re right. Most people do. I don’t care about anyone either.”
“No, you like to shock people into not liking you. You’re epically easy to figure out.”
He scowled, obviously disbelieving that.
She lifted her glass. “Forget it. Let’s toast what you accomplished today with Zenith. You are now the official drummer for Zenith.”
“Temporarily.”
She waved a hand around dismissively. “No reason to make that distinction. As of today, you are the drummer for Zenith, and that’s huge.” Tilting her head, she waited for him to lift his glass and clink it with hers. “Now see? That wasn’t so hard.”
He gulped the alcohol and set the glass down, motioning the bartender for another one. Her gaze followed him. “Are you thrilled, excited, or even normally invested? I mean, as a drummer, didn’t you want this?”
“Yes, of course.”
“But you have no words to express your undying gratitude?”
His mouth twitched. “I know all the words. I just don’t feel like going on and on about it.”
“You were really great with Rob. Don’t think just anyone can sit down and play with him and Spencer and manage to keep up, let alone, to impress them both.”
“Isn’t that why I’m here?”
“Well, it certainly isn’t owing to your sophisticated charm and charisma.”
His drink came and he swallowed a gulp of it. Finally, she asked, “Are you going to show up? Will you make all the rehearsals and do all the recordings? Because it’s the only way to fly. Rob doesn’t tolerate slackers or being late, never mind, not showing up. If you do show up, better be stone cold sober and willing and ready to work. I’m warning you, he’ll kick your dumb ass to the curb if you give him half the shit you gave me. And since I’m the one trying to freaking build your career, that makes no sense. So, I have to wonder if that’s how you plan to approach him?”
“No. I’ll show up on time.”
“Why do it for him?”
“Because that’s the only thing I actually like to do.”
“So with me…why? Because you can? Because that’s how you treat females?”
He shrugged. “Force of habit. Not because you’re female. Though since you keep asking me that, I’m starting to realize how I come off; but I’m an ass across both sexes.” That amused him and he had the gall to smirk at her as he sipped his new drink.
She clicked her glass and finished. “Force of habit. That is so stupid.”
“You say that a lot.”
“All I see is a guy hell bent on shooting himself in the foot. My question is why? Why choose us? We, who literally brought you here to succeed. Why do you insist on punishing us for that?”
“Most things don’t work out. No matter how my attitude might be.”
She scoffed. “Perhaps it comes directly from your attitude.”
“Maybe,” he conceded as he downed his drink.
She sighed, feeling tired and done. “I think we’re done here. I’m tired and I have a lot of work tomorrow.”
“Don’t you do anything but work and be responsible?”
“So much more.” She rolled the ice around her tongue, oh, totally on purpose with a sharp, pointed look. “But you’ll never know the fun side of me.”
He snorted. “Really? You have a fun side?”
“I’m the life of all parties.”
“Well, I’m the buzz kill of all time. No wonder we don’t get along.”
She set her glass down and pushed it away, throwing more money down to tip the bartender. Sliding off the padded vinyl seat, she said, “We don’t get along because you are determined not to. I’m willing to try but it takes too much effort to get you to interact at all. Check yourself first.”
His smile was slight before it disappeared. “No one dicks around with you, do they?”
“No. Not often. I mean, they can, of course, and people do talk behind my back, because I’ve heard some of it, but long ago I made the decision not to care. I refuse to let that kind of toxicity enter my space. Exactly why I won’t let yours near me. You want me to ask questions and try to find out why you are so broken or whatever you pretend to be. I don’t use my energy to make someone else feel better. I refuse to do that. I’m not your mama or your girlfriend. And if I were, I’d never be your emotional pick-me-up.”
“I never…” His head swiveled the other way, and she couldn’t see his expression. “I never considered how I acted before. What are you saying? That I want you to soothe something radical inside me?”
“Soothe you? No. You want someone to mother you, and you see your mother in all females. You wish I would inquire why you’re so moody, or why you don’t respond, or probe your mind to know what’s wrong with you. Instead of manning up and just saying what your issue is, you tap around the other person like a blind man with a cane. You expect me to find out why you’re that way and do something to make you feel better. You know, like mothering.”
Something shuddered down his back and he hunched over his drink. He was doing that thing again where he wouldn’t answer, talk, or acknowledge her. She shot a glare at the back of his head. “Well… there you go again. So, I’ll see you.”
A moment later, he swung around… “Wait… maybe you’re onto something.”
Shocked to hear that, she stilled and waited a moment… Should she bother to respond to that? Not her problem. Or her issue. But she turned back and asked, “How so?”
Chapter 5
ROSS WASN’T SURE WHAT words to use.
He couldn’t begin to describe any of it. His entire day was surreal. Life-changing. And now he wondered what to do with it. He was hired by Zenith? Temporarily or not, it was so unexpected, he didn’t know how to process it. Disbelieving his good luck, he waited for Jody or Rob or someone to pull out a camera and say psych, this is a prank and commence to broadcasting his gullibility and stupidity. It took a few moments to let it sink in. Not reacting at all felt the safest.
Nothing like this ever happened to him. Nothing so great. Yes, it was so great. Zenith? Hiring him? It was totally unbelievable.
Temporarily didn’t matter. Even one day would have been great.
Naturally, Ross didn’t expect it to work out. Something would change. The band would change their mind. Jody would fuck up the paperwork she was so worried about. Something would go wrong. It always did.
For now, he’d been chosen to play the drums for freaking Zenith. He found it hard not to be interested, which he identified as the source of the percolating feelings in his gut. It had been so long since he felt such things. Or anything at all, to be honest. He lived most of his life in a numb condition, trying to forget the anger that so easily emanated from his brain when he thought too long about his family, or more specifically, his brother.
His brother would have gotten such a fucking kick out of this. Zenith! Ross met Rob and Spencer. He jammed with them. It was incredible. He couldn’t find the words to describe what it felt like. No expressions could encapsulate it. Yeah, it was weird, because he never felt so much at a loss in his effort to describe it.
Jody was truly shocked at hearing Rob’s offer to Ross. She didn’t know he was auditioning for them. Luckily, he didn’t know either or he most likely wouldn’t have shown up. Pressure and high expectations usually rattled his nerves and triggered his commitment phobia. He preferred not to try rather than risk the chance of being rejected.
God damn. He was such a wimp. His phobias disabled him; no, to be more accurate, they made him unwilling to take any risks. Reaching out for something big from his experience resulted in him having his fucking hand cut off. So he never reached
out for anything. He pulled back, turned and ran. He either physically removed himself or he retreated emotionally into silence, sarcasm, and downright nastiness.
Jody nailed him from the start, easily spotting his problem and calling him out on it. Everything she said eerily applied to him. He never heard it put more accurately because maybe no one ever wanted to bother with him. Beyond his physical appeal, there truly wasn’t much about him to enjoy or appreciate in his personality.
Damn. He had to give the girl credit. She didn’t back down and went toe-to-toe with him and won, exceeding his expectations far more than any other person he’d ever met.
She won their faceoff. He knew it. She knew it. But he still pretended otherwise. He couldn’t end a lifetime habit of being a bastard so swiftly.
Her analysis that he was crying out for her mothering blew him away. Damn. How did she know? No one ever suggested such an accurate evaluation. He recalled pissing off more than a few women in his past. Deservedly. Most just called him filthy names as they ranted, raved and even threw things at him. Again, because he deserved it. But having his insecurities, which he instinctively tried to cover up, so blatantly exposed to the sunlight was totally unexpected. Wow, she was potent.
His first reaction was to turn forward, chug his drink and spend the next four hours getting so drunk he could not remember their entire conversation. He’d stumble out… and go where? That’s what stopped him. He was somewhere in Seattle, but he didn’t know where exactly. Stupid city. He had no idea how to get back to his place, or anywhere else for that matter. He failed to memorize the address. He needed Jody and she was leaving.
He swung around. “Wait… maybe you’re onto something.”
She faced him fiercely, her hands fisting at her sides, and her eyebrows arched in challenge as her jaw ticked back and forth. “How so?”
“It’s a long story. But my mother hates me and has for ten years. I’m not welcome in her house. So maybe that comes out with the women I meet. I’m not a woman hater though. I honestly don’t treat men any differently. I’m antisocial with both sexes. I’m equally rude to everyone.”
“What a terrible fucking excuse.”
He finished his drink and rose to his feet as he nodded. “It’s pathetic. I hear that. But it’s all I got.”
“Except you actually want a woman to work at cuddling up to you?”
“I don’t know if that’s how I’d word it. But when your mom hates you, maybe it makes you think of things that aren’t very nice.”
Her mouth twitched. “Did you treat her like you treat everyone else? Which came first? Your attitude and behavior or her hatred of you? I mean, it’s like the chicken and the egg kind of question. On the one hand I could forgive you for being the way you are because you had to endure your mom’s hatred, and yeah, that’s a valid reason for insecurities, but if you brought it on…”
“That’s an interesting question. I might have been the cause of her disgust. But one thing ended any chance of ever having a relationship for us.”
“And that was?”
“Killing my brother.”
They were standing near the end of the crowded bar and people moved and jostled around them. They spoke directly to each other, having to keep their eye contact sharp just to make out what was being said. She tilted her head, blinking and opening her mouth before shutting it. What could snarky, sharp-tongued Jody find to say to that? “Why? Why did you kill your brother?”
Startled, he fought the urge to flee when she stepped closer to him. He towered over her, and technically exhibited all the power and strength, but hell, any idiot could see that she ran the show completely. “Why? That’s a weird thing to ask.”
“No. It’s not. Did you murder him? Or was it just an accident?”
Ross didn’t know how to reply, or how to describe what happened. Again, it was a conversation he never had before.
“It wasn’t murder, but it was not an accident either.”
Her eyebrows waggled higher on her forehead. “That’s the weirdest explanation I’ve ever heard.”
“It wasn’t intentional, but I should have foreseen it.”
“Oh… okay. That must be very hard to live with.”
“Yeah. Not great.”
“And your mother?”
“She fully believes I murdered him.”
“Okay. That is… somewhat illuminating.”
Turning, she headed out of the establishment. Ross was puzzled by her reaction, overwrought almost as he followed her out. Dazed and slightly dizzy with the small, but potent conversation, he trailed her. Only after she dropped into her car seat and they pulled out onto the street did she speak again. “I don’t claim to get it. You refuse to share anything, so this is probably a huge revelation for you to divulge, but you have to remember that whatever you had to endure in the past is severely souring and tainting the way you treat others. People can only react to your words and behavior toward them. If you want this chance with Zenith to work out, you need to advance beyond the obvious distress you experienced regarding whatever happened and learn to stow it away. I hate to see you lose such a vital chance as this.”
Not what he expected. Turning, he watched how the night lights played over her profile. Her jaw was locked, so there was not a lot of sympathy. He told his clipped version of Roland’s death to a few people, but they just felt sorry for him. In some ways, it became an inadvertent way for him to manipulate others. When people felt sorry for you, their expectations for you diminished and they no longer reacted or seemed surprised if you then mistreated them.
Jody? She might as well have said to him, Sorry, but you need to pull up your big-boy panties and deal with it. Show up and show some progress in your social graces or you’ll lose it all.
She was right. He saw that clearly now. He glanced out the window, and his doubts ripped through him. Could he do that? His dark moods came without warning and clouded over everything. The thoughts were menacing and made his limbs hurt to move, and his brain froze with inertia. When angry words spewed out, even if they were not intentional, he grew short-tempered and was loath to calm down.
“Did you know that angry white men who feel alone all the time are more likely to become the perpetrators of mass shootings in the US?”
Startled from his morose thoughts, right out of his shoes almost, he fully turned to her. “What? Are you really suggesting I could become a mass shooter?”
“No. I quite carefully said no such thing. What I’m saying is that your anger is a palpable part of you. Not only does it make you ferocious, annoying, and off-putting, but it’s the type of thing that can only lead to unparalleled problems. Perhaps you should find a way to work through it. Not by covering it with a Band-Aid in the form of excess alcohol and promiscuous sex with anonymous women. I’m surmising that’s what you do from what you’ve said so far. Perhaps there are better ways for you to seek healing. You have to move past the root cause of your anger and your attitude that comes from it. If you fail to get a grip on it, you will be literally shooting yourself in the foot metaphorically which I hope never leads to shooting crowds of people literally.”
“Dear God, I don’t even own a gun.”
“That’s actually a nice thing to know.”
“Jody, I’m not a fucking mass shooter in search of a reason to pull the trigger. I’m just an asshole. That’s a far cry from what you’re suggesting.” Disdain and real anger charged his words. Damn. He reacted to her. His tone was harsh, brimming with the very anger she accused him of harboring, which she claimed was now poisoning him and making him a threat to society.
She nodded. “That’s a fucking relief, right there.”
Startled, he cocked his head. “Relief? I didn’t control my anger; I was only proving your point.”
“No.” Her tone was completely reasonable, calm, and almost content as she pulled into the parking garage. He glanced behind and sure enough, the security was still right there, but he always forgo
t about them. Getting out, she waited until they were walking towards the stairs to continue their conversation. “You released healthy, real emotion towards something you found offensive and incorrect that I was accusing you of. That is more genuine than any freaking conversation or statement you’ve said to me since I met you. Granted, it was only a short time ago, but damn, you have to struggle to be totally apathetic. I see the current of your uncontrolled anger. You give reasons for it. That indicates an awareness of how you come off, and that you do this on purpose.” Using her back to push the door open, she faced him for a second before she continued her assessment outside. “Perhaps you could benefit by exhibiting a dash of healthy emotions rather than stuffing down whatever ails you emotionally until you become the very stereotype of an angry, white male. It’s not unusual. Just annoying. And seeking a woman you can use and abuse to coddle your bad temper and make you feel better, while destroying her self-esteem and confidence, isn’t right. You need to work on yourself. Don’t push others into doing it for you. It never succeeds anyway.”
He stopped short on the sidewalk, blinking in utter surprise at her. “Are you somehow protecting women from me now?”
“Yes. And men. I gathered from your discussions you aren’t gay or bisexual. But if you are, then I mean any partner you might choose to be with.”
She waited for his reaction, clearly baiting him. He could see the gleam in her eye. He finally conceded she was amazing and smiled at her. She blinked her response and guessed he’d never done so on purpose before. “You’re testing me to see if I turn into a shithole because you wondered if I might be gay or anything besides straight. You are predicting that I will respond by showing you what a cocky, horrible, alpha asshole I am.”
She nodded and smiled. “Considering how you spoke of your past women, it might have set you off.”
