by Leanne Davis
“Are you worried?”
“Yes,” Joelle replied bluntly. “But it’s just a fact of our lives now. My concern is mainly for him. It’s an issue that you two will have to work out. If you can be honest and real about it, then you’ll make it. In many ways, it’s like a trial by fire in your feelings for each other.”
“Kind of like you and Dad? After you were married to Rob?”
“Different from that because I controlled the event and the outcome. You don’t have a lot of control here. It’s a virus. With no cure or vaccine. It’s very real and we have to find a way to live with it. But it does add more stress and constraints.”
“Would you advise me to move on?”
Her mom reached over and brushed her hair. “No. I just want you to be honest and careful and if you need anything, never be afraid to come to us.”
“I won’t be here though.” Jody blinked and her tears fell as she said it. Sniffling, she shook her head. “I thought I was always so independent and liberated. But I’m struggling now with the prospect of leaving you guys and JayJay for such an unspecified length of time.”
“London had a start and an end. I agree that this feels more significant. And I’m struggling with that too. But you… are your father’s daughter. You might look like me but you are his clone. That’s why you butt heads often. He’s as stubborn and righteous and sure as you are. Look how far it took him in life. You will be amazing too. And I don’t think you would be content with a young marriage and having kids. I never thought so. I think this will be amazing.”
“I wondered because of the things you used to say.”
“My circumstances were very different from yours. I raised you to be strong, sure, and confident, didn’t I? I succeeded so you’ll succeed and command and dominate. You will always prevail with heart and care and grace. So no, I’m not worried about that part. Just you. And your absence. I’ll miss you most of all.”
She squeezed her mom’s hand, leaning forward and resting her forehead on her mom’s slim shoulder. Joelle set her arms loosely around Jody’s shoulders and kissed her head. After a good cry, Jody lifted her head with a chagrined smile. “I didn’t know I was still such a little girl. Guess I needed that.”
“And you’ll always get it from us. I love you, Jody. You and JayJay. Every single dream I could ever want for my life came true when I had both of you. How individual and different you are. Your dreams and capabilities will take you around the whole, damn world. While JayJay’s… well, we will always be able to provide for his. But I couldn’t be prouder of either of you or love you more than I do.”
Jody’s breath was strained. “I know. I just… oh, I’ll miss that lug. He won’t understand…”
“He’ll get used to it, like he always does. And as soon as Ross and he get online with that game they play, which he probably does more often than he talks to you, he’ll feel like he’s right there in the room with both of you.”
They grinned at each other.
Her mom took Jody’s chin in her hand. “If you need anything from us, even to talk about sex or HIV, you’ll call me, right? I will never mind and I know I can help you. This won’t go away, but neither does it have to end anything. It’s okay to be scared and also love him and want to be with him in all the ways that love demands.”
Bolstered, Jody straightened her back at her mom’s supportive words. “I needed that, a mom-talk.”
Her mom laughed. “Good. I needed it too.”
They shared a long, poignant look and Jody knew the permission and understanding she required for Ross was inexplicably absorbed into her.
“Should we go out and save Ross from having to endure your father’s scowl?”
“We should, but let’s wait a few minutes. Would you like to know what we learned so far about having safe sex? I know it must be strange for you. But I think it would help me to talk about it.”
Her mom sat back down. “Then, of course, and it’s not strange. It’s part of mothering. What did you learn?”
She told her mother everything she learned at Ross’s first doctor appointment. She explained how using PrEP (Pre Exposure Prophylaxis), an anti-HIV medication, works to keep infections from establishing in the body. It was a pill Jody took daily, like Ross took his HIV medication daily.
“Are there any side effects?”
“Mild ones. Nausea, vomiting, fatigue. I haven’t experienced any.”
“You’re taking it?”
“Yes, for now. I might stop once we become fully accustomed to our new reality. Proper use of condoms and making sure Ross takes all of his medications should reduce the chances of transmitting it to me to almost zero. Once his viral loads are undetectable, that is. Honestly, this is important because someday, we might try to have a baby.”
“Wow.”
“Yes. But that conversation is reserved for a day far from now.”
“But… you both hope for that? Someday?”
“Yes. It surprised me too. Using PrEP can reduce the transmission rate by ninety-nine percent. We have a lot of hope in how we approach this. But it is a serious disease so it’s not easy. Manageable, of course, in the long run, but still an ordeal for now.”
“And you’re willing to accept that?”
“Of course, I am. We love each other. He’d do the same for me. Well, when I first met Ross, he wouldn’t have, but now that he’s trying to improve himself, he would.”
Her mom smiled and gripped her hand. “I trust you. I love how you get all the information before you act on it. I have no doubts you’ll both manage this professionally and successfully as needed.”
“Closely caring about our health will allow us to have the life we want.”
“Yes. And what about traveling with a band? He’ll still make his doctor appointments and take his medication daily?”
“Yes. He has to monitor it to make sure none of the drugs become ineffective from resistance. If he won’t commit to it, then I refuse to be with him. It’s not fair to me if he can’t or won’t take care of himself. That would be all his fault. We’ve already had a lot of talks about this.”
Her mom’s lips twitched and she replied, “I can imagine.”
Later on, Jody went back to her condo. She dimmed the lights and lit some candles in the bedroom. Fresh flowers sat on the dresser and sweetened the air. Ross and Jody never bothered or cared to take the time to do romantic things like this before. The soft ambience they created was appreciated by both when they shared a bottle of champagne and toasted each other with caring eyes, saying together, “I love you.”
Setting aside their glasses, they stood before the bed, staring at each other.
Jody gulped before she said, “We should take our clothes off.”
“Yes,” Ross agreed and began removing his shirt. She did the same. After neatly placing each article of clothing in a tidy pile with exaggerated care, they were fully naked. Turning to each other, only a few inches of space separated them. The soft glow of flickering candlelight cast soft shadows and imbued their skin with golden hues. Ross smiled as he looked down at her. “You are so lovely.”
“You never took a moment to notice that before.”
“I did too. Often. Even when we were not as romantic as now.”
“That’s nice,” she replied softly.
He nodded as her gaze slid down his body, taking in all of him, slowly and thoroughly. “You are just as gorgeous as I feared when I first saw you.”
“Why did you say feared?”
“Oh, your attitude. But was I attracted all the same? I sensed even then I could never resist you and here we are.”
“Yes, here we are,” he repeated. His hand touched her arm and he rubbed her bicep up and down. “I’m nervous.”
“Me too. But we’ve done this before. We’re true champions at this.”
“We didn’t know though before.”
“Right,” Jody agreed as she glanced at her feet.
“Does it ch
ange anything? How you look at me? Does it change me somehow? Be honest.”
She slid her gaze up to his legs, jutting penis, six-pack abdomen and wide, strong chest and shoulders. “Yes,” she whispered softly. “But not like you mean. I am fully conscious that we can’t exchange body fluids. But I also want to do this more than before because now I know that I love you too.”
“I feel tarnished,” Ross admitted softly as if he were addressing his feet.
She lifted her hand to his. “No, never. Not with me. You can never be tarnished with me.”
He squeezed her hand in his and raised it to his mouth before kissing her softly. “If I could go back and undo my history, knowing I would meet you someday, I would have never had sex with anyone else. I’d have waited however long it took for you. It would be so worth it to not think about risking your life every time we have sex.”
“I still don’t blame you. You know that. My own sexual history has its flaws. The chances are slim as long as we know what to do and we do it. It will be okay. Your life will be as healthy and as long as mine.” She squeezed his hand.
“I wish I loved you enough to leave you so you could find someone else.”
“So you couldn’t give HIV to me, I assume?”
“Yes, that’s the only reason I would give you up.”
She scoffed. “Except I don’t want to find anyone else. Ever. So it’s up to you and me to be careful and take care of ourselves. It’s an us issue, okay? Not just you anymore. And again, I’d expect the same from you.”
“I would do anything for you.”
“I know. But this isn’t such a horrible burden. I love to have sex with you.”
He smiled and the hope she saw in his face made her heart lurch. “I love to have sex with you too. Saying that you still feel that way? You are beyond incredible.”
“I’m your girlfriend and therefore, the one you have sex with.”
“Usually. But these are unusual circumstances.”
She reached up and gripped both his forearms, tugging him toward her. “They are for us, Ross. From now on, this is our reality. So we will figure it out until it becomes normal and then it won’t be scary. We just know something that we didn’t before. We were always safe. Always.”
“Because of your insistence. You were protecting yourself, not me.”
“You can protect me now. From now forward.”
He let out a shuddering breath. “From now forward.”
“For all things.”
“All things.”
“Including sex. So please… why don’t we start with a long, wonderful kiss that will remind you, Ross Karahan, that you already know exactly how to do it.” She grinned and he finally responded as his mouth descended and touched hers, instantly banishing all the doubts, fears and worries until they were just being themselves again.
Touching. Loving. Kissing. Ross and Jody. Their souls and their bodies bared. His hands came up with a soft, gentle touch on her shoulders. It was almost chaste. She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his back, pushing him deep inside her fully and hard.
As their kiss grew more arduous and fuller, their tongues dipped and tangoed until he suddenly shifted. He lifted her, tucking his arms under her knees and supporting her neck. Seconds later, he delicately placed her on the bed like the most dainty, precious sculpture of feathers that could not be jostled or harmed. As he stared down from above, his gaze was loving, reverent and piercing before his lips touched her mouth. He kissed her neck and slid downwards and she combed her fingers through his hair, smiling as all her fears dissolved.
It was Ross.
Ross was preparing to make love to her. Always Ross.
In case Ross didn’t remember exactly how to do that, she whispered into his ear as she licked the outer shell. He was buried deep inside her body, and with a gentle and reverent tone, Jody said, “Fuck me, Ross. Hard. Please…”
Jerking his head back, Ross laughed. Nodding, he knew exactly how to do this.
What ensued was hard and satisfying and long and wonderful. All the delightful and most pleasurable acts of sex were just like they were supposed to be. For both of them. Their love, however, made the sex better than it ever was.
Epilogue
ROSS KARAHAN ESTABLISHED HIMSELF in his own musical genre. Most of the figureheads in bands were the singer and lead guitarist, but Ross did create a name for himself. His band, Kill Monkey, featured two lead female singers and one was also a guitarist, a male bass player and a female keyboard player. They started playing in the clubs around New York, and the next year, they toured the east coast. Their songs started to resonate with the whole population, young and old. After two years, they popped up on all the music charts. In three years, they toured most of the US before going all over the world.
The time they spent on tour allowed them to learn and adjust to each other, which was exactly what they both needed. Traveling on the tour bus required lots of stops, motels and take-out food. For a few months, they stayed at home in their new city, occupying a one-bedroom apartment that became a place of joy and love. Fighting turned out to be fun. Since neither ever participated in an intimate relationship before, they had to learn how to compromise. And neither accepted that lesson too readily. But as always, they wove their way through their disagreements and always managed to find each other again. Their mutual respect, love and honesty blended into a winning combination.
They vowed to only travel together. Jody continued to manage Ross’s career while also working remotely for Zenith’s Promise. Karlee remained the lead contact from Seattle. They visited home as often as they could. Ross and JayJay video-gamed online together almost every night.
The rest of their time was spent at the doctor’s office and the hospital for testing and monitoring. It soon became the routine, and Ross was grateful for telemedicine appointments and mail-in testing. Ross took his medication unfailingly and they were just as cautious when it came to sex. Once, Ross had a blip, which was an unexpected occurrence that meant his HIV viral loads rose substantially from being totally undetected. Nonetheless, they comforted and supported each other through the crisis although they never learned what caused it. Eventually, Ross’s viral load returned to being undetected. Accepting the fact that HIV would be a non-negotiable part of their lives always, was not easy for either at first.
When Ross occasionally got sick with common colds or flus, Jody naturally worried more than usual. She nursed him back to health, fussing over him and reminding him that he had an underlying condition and virus housed in his body. She knew she would always worry more than the average partner. Ross understood completely.
It didn’t stop them from living their lives as fully as any other couple. They both enjoyed excitement and probably felt more gratitude than the average person because of their knowledge of their mortality. But that reality was understood, managed and tolerated by both of them. Jody compared Ross’s condition to a Type One diabetic, who had to be professional about the administration of their insulin and symptoms of their illness.
They also got to travel the world for several years. The rush and joy of doing live performances in faraway places like Madrid, London, Sydney, and Tokyo never got old. The cheering, undulating crowds who roared for him along with the rest of the band never ceased to thrill Ross. The band members got along well because the trajectory of their songs was an instantaneous sell. Jody kept busy by soothing hot tempers and bruised egos, which soon landed her the role of band manager. All the members of the band quickly grew to trust her, and none of them resented her.
A few years later, after his fame around the world made his name and face instantly recognizable, Ross asked Jody to marry him. They were standing on the balcony of a hotel room in Paris, staring at the Eiffel Tower as the sun slowly descended.
Then came the ugly rumor: Ross had HIV. Despite how well he managed it and his good health otherwise, the media ate it up. He and Jody agreed to face the truth head on.
After publicly admitting he was HIV positive, Ross soon became a spokesperson for survivors of HIV, which included many other celebrities. He participated in a video to teach kids in middle and high school health classes all the latest updates about HIV and AIDS. One of four celebrities who openly discussed HIV and its effects on their lives and relationships, Ross and the other volunteers gave HIV a human face and erased the stigma.
Ross soon embraced it as part of his destiny. By giving it a voice and sense of humanity, he wanted anyone who contracted the virus to know that they could survive and thrive if they took care of themselves. Ross was lucky to have Jody by his side, and he hoped his stature as a rock star and famous drummer, could help someone else find the hope he found.
That decision earned him a pretty big smile from his proud wife.
When they were thirty-two and thirty-three, they decided to slow down the tours and establish a household in downtown Seattle, very near her family. Years of performing in big cities all over the world gave Ross a new appreciation for them and he now loved city-living. The discussion of having a child and if so, when, arose and HIV once again became an issue.
But their entire relationship depended on honesty so they both said what they really thought about it.
Using PrEP and extreme caution and monitoring, the doctors encouraged Jody and Ross to have a baby the natural way.
But Ross couldn’t do it. Every time he pictured Jody getting HIV, despite all the medical assurances that the chances of transmission were zero as long as his viral loads remained undetected, he froze. Jody took PrEP. All the signs that predicted a healthy pregnancy were evident in Jody and the medical staff assured her she would be a strong and vibrant mother. Many women without HIV managed to do it safely.
Ross was unable to perform, however, whenever the thought of her getting HIV from him flashed into his mind.
