by Amanda Dick
“Why don’t you go and ask them if they need refreshments?”
I hadn’t heard Gemma come up behind me. I held my arm close across my chest, all too aware that my prosthesis and the silicone liner were lying on the bed between us.
“What?”
“If you need an excuse to go and talk to him, I mean.”
I shook my head, keeping my back to her.
“Who?”
She stood there for a moment, and I wondered why she didn’t just leave. I wished she would.
“Is your arm still bothering you?”
I nodded. There was no point in lying about it.
“Do you need to see the doctor?”
“No.”
“Okay,” she said gently. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
I shook my head, and she sat down on my bed.
“You know you can talk to me, right? About anything, including your arm.”
Holding my arm close to my chest, I turned my head to see her holding my prosthesis. She glanced up at me, shrugging.
“It’s a lot lighter than I thought it’d be.”
She didn’t look in the least bit uncomfortable about holding it, or talking about it.
“It freaks Leo out,” I said, before I could stop myself. “I don’t think he’d like it if he saw you holding it like that.”
“I don’t think it’s that,” she sighed. “It just hurts him, to think about you being hurt like this.”
I sat down on the bed beside her, careful to tuck my arm into my side, away from her. She was probably right. If the situation had been reversed, it would’ve hurt me to see him like this.
“Want me to take a look?”
I looked over at her. She wasn’t Aria. She would see this through an adult’s eyes, not a child’s.
“No, thanks. It’ll be fine.”
On the rare occasions I couldn’t wear my prosthesis while they were around, I always wore a cotton liner on my arm and made sure my sleeve was rolled all the way down. I wasn’t just going to shove my bare arm at her now, even if she wanted me to.
“Hey, I’m a mother,” she said, with a smile. “I’ve been puked on, peed on, changed dirty diapers, wiped snotty noses and had regurgitated food spat out into the palm of my hand. I think I can handle seeing your arm.”
I shook my head determinedly.
“It’s okay, really. But thanks.”
She nodded, but she didn’t look entirely convinced. She should be thanking me. I just saved her from a real-life horror show.
“Are you still taking the painkillers?” she asked.
“No. I just took them on Tuesday night, so I could sleep. I haven’t taken any since.”
“I don’t think you should leave it any longer than another day or two. If it’s no better, we’ll take you for a check-up.”
“We? I can go by myself.”
“I know, but I thought you might want some company? I don’t mind. In fact, I’d rather go with you, then I’ll know what to do, too.”
She and Leo were so different. She reached over and took my hand in hers, squeezing gently. I could barely stand to look at her, I felt so unworthy.
“Hey,” she said. “Don’t forget to stop and look back every now and then. You’ve come so far, even in the past few months. You should be proud of that. You’ve lost so much, I can’t even begin to imagine how that feels. Just do me a favour and go easy on yourself, okay?”
I stared at her hand, holding mine.
“I’m trying.”
“I know you are. We can both see that. I’m just worried that your expectations are too high for right now, y’know? It’s gonna take time. Some things are gonna get easier, I know it. You just have to be patient.”
That was easier said than done. It’d been a year and I still felt like I’d learnt nothing. What happened on Tuesday night proved it.
“Do you want to talk about Callum?” she asked.
I glanced over at her, frowning.
“Why would I want to talk about him?”
“Oh, I don’t know. I just thought you might want to, since you’ve been standing there watching him ever since he arrived.”
I pulled my hand out of hers and began picking imaginary lint off my thigh.
“Y’know it doesn’t suit you, playing coy,” she said. “I’ve seen you get up on stage in front of… “
She didn’t finish her sentence, but we both knew what she was going to say. A cold shiver crawled up my spine and I willed my body to stand firm as the shadow of my former life passed over us both.
“You know what I mean,” she finished quietly.
Yeah, I knew what she meant.
“It’s not that simple,” I mumbled.
“What’s not that simple? I’m just suggesting you talk to him, not move in with him.”
I frowned at her, frustrated because she seemed to be so smart sometimes, yet so dumb too.
“You’re kidding, right? Why the hell would he want anything to do with me, when he could have any woman he wanted? There are a tonne of them out there with two working hands, he could take his pick. I bet any one of them would be a lot less hassle than me.”
“Everyone’s got baggage, Sass. The older we get, the more we have. That’s just life, y’know?”
I huffed out a half-hearted laugh. This conversation was getting way too personal.
“Yeah. Baggage. That’s my specialty alright.”
“No one’s perfect. Remember that.”
Well, I was a hell of a long way from that, that’s for damn sure.
“Why is this so hard for you?”
I looked over at her. Where should I start?
“I mean, he’s interested, that’s pretty clear. And he seems really nice. He was your knight in shining armour the other night, by all accounts.”
“I don’t need a knight in shining armour,” I snapped.
She didn’t deserve that, and we both knew it. It wasn’t her I was angry with.
“I don’t do relationships,” I said, softening my tone in lieu of an apology. “I never have. I didn’t know how before, and I sure as hell don’t know how now.”
She exhaled slowly, shrugging.
“That’s funny. I remember Leo saying that to me once, too.”
That was different. She was a whole person – beautiful, loving, confident. Of course Leo fell in love with her. Who wouldn’t?
“It’s not a secret club, y’know,” she said gently. “You just have to find someone you want to be with, who wants to be with you. Once you find that, you work out the rest as you go. You can’t pre-plan these things, they just happen. They take on a life of their own. When I think of all the crap Leo and I have been through over the years, I’m not quite sure how we managed to make it through but I thank God every day that we have. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am now without him.”
I wasn’t sure I had any more incarnations left in me. I still wasn’t reconciled with this one. I turned back to the window.
“There’s no shame in it, y’know. It gets hard, carrying the load on your own. When you have someone to share it with, it’s so much easier. We all need a knight in shining armour sometimes.”
From deep down in my core, I rebelled against the idea of being rescued. I wanted to believe that I didn’t need it, that I could handle anything, but those days were long gone and the more time that passed, the more I knew it was true. It left me feeling empty, like everything I’d ever seen or felt or learned had been ripped away from me. Where I once had life experiences to draw on, now it felt like all I had was sand, slipping through my fingers.
“Please don’t turn your back on the possibility,” she said gently. “Sometimes, the best things happen when you’re not looking for them.”
In my experience, the complete opposite was true.
Chapter Twenty-One
“People have the strength to overcome their bodies.
Their beauty is in their minds.”
; – Peter Gabriel
Callum
“I think that’s about all we can fit on this thing,” Jack said, hefting the last box onto the trailer and closing the tailgate.
I wiped my grimy hands on my jeans and turned back to the garage.
“Another week, and then it’s all yours,” Jack said to Leo, echoing my thoughts. “We’ll come back next weekend and get the rest of it.”
“No hurry, we still have to go get the last of our stuff out of storage back home and bring it over, anyway. The longer I can delay that trip from hell, the better.”
“Well, if you need a hand with that, let me know. I’m happy to repay the favour.”
“Same goes for me,” I said.
Leo waved us off graciously.
“I don’t even want to think about it until Gemma starts bugging me – so far, so good,” he said. “Feels like beer o’clock. What do you say?”
“I’m in,” I said, without hesitation.
“Sure, why not.”
We followed him into the house, and I found myself looking for Sass. Her car was outside, so I assumed she was here.
“All done?” Gemma smiled, as we trudged into the house through the back door.
“For now, yeah.”
Leo went straight to the fridge and pulled out three beers, handing Jack and I one each and gesturing into the living room.
It was weird, being in Tom’s place again. As long as this house was standing it’d be Tom’s place, I could feel it in my bones. Even when Jack came back for his funeral, it took some time to get used to the fact that he was living here, not Tom. Now, there was a whole other family here. It was the end of an era. I was standing still, yet the world was turning around me. It was disconcerting, to say the least.
I took a long pull on my beer and had what I hoped was a casual look around. I spotted the piano right away, situated where the old radiogram used to be. Tom’s collection of vintage vinyl had also gone, a guitar in a glossy black stand in its place. Jack and Ally had stripped the personal items from the house, so the familiar photos and pictures were gone from the wall, but it still felt enough like Tom’s place to be uncomfortable. It was going to take some getting used to. I glanced over at Jack, and wondered if he felt the same way.
I tried to put myself in Sass’s shoes, in her life. It was clear that music was a big part of this family. A piano, a guitar collection, a history – both her and Leo – as professional musicians. She had lived a life that a lot of people never got to experience, and it had all been ripped away from her. I remembered the way she looked in the bar that night, watching Leo play with the band. No wonder she had looked so wistful. She was surrounded by memories everywhere she went, home and work. I had a newfound respect for her, and the way she seemed to be handling everything. It must’ve been hell.
There were a few kids toys lying around, but nothing like what I was expecting. I thought the place would be wall-to-wall with toys and assorted kid paraphernalia, but Gemma obviously ran a tight ship. Leo and Jack were engaged in conversation, and Gemma had disappeared into the kitchen, so I took the opportunity to check out some of the pictures hanging on the wall. Most of them were music-related. Some were gig posters, along the same vein as the ones in the bar. More memories.
I could hear the pitter-patter of little feet running through the hallway, followed by a shrill squeal. I turned around in time to see a rocket with blonde curls hurling into Leo’s legs, burying her face between his knees and giggling madly.
“Whoa!” Leo laughed, putting his beer down on the mantle behind him and leaning down to grab her by the waist. “Did you have giggle-juice for lunch again?”
This just made her giggle even more. Leo deftly flipped her upside down, then right side up as he settled her into his arms.
“No, Daddy!” she chortled, grabbing his nose and giving it a squeeze as he swatted her away.
“Do you remember Jack? He came by to see us when we moved in.”
She glanced over at Jack and nodded coyly.
“Hi,” Jack said.
“And this is Callum,” Leo continued.
Aria turned her big blue eyes on me and smiled. What a charmer. She had Gemma’s eyes, and she kinda looked like Leo when she smiled.
“Hi again,” I said. “We met in town earlier in the week. You were on your way to the park, remember?”
She gave me the once-over, much to everyone’s amusement. It was pretty obvious she remembered.
“You’re all clean!” she grinned.
Jack chuckled and Leo looked a little confused.
“I was on my lunch break,” I said quickly. “I was pretty filthy, and she was worried that I was gonna get in trouble with my Mom.”
“Sounds about right,” he said. “She’s a clean freak, this one.”
He put her down, and she immediately bolted from the room, yelling “Sassy!”
We heard her barrelling down the hallway, as Gemma re-appeared from the kitchen.
“Where’d she go?”
“She’s looking for Sass.”
Gemma rolled her eyes and disappeared again, calling out to Aria.
“Sorry,” Leo shrugged. “Place is like a mad-house most of the time, but you get used to it. Feel free to have a seat while the chaos continues around us.”
We sat, Jack and I swapping a look as Gemma finally found Aria, judging by the squeals coming from the other end of the house. As Jack was asking Leo how things were going at the bar, Gemma and Aria re-appeared. This time, though, the little girl was holding Sass’s hand.
“She found you, I see,” Leo said.
Sass smiled tightly, hanging back.
“I promised her I’d take her to the park,” she said.
My heart sank. She’d given me no more than a cursory glance, and now she was going to bolt, just like Aria had. I was hoping we were past all that.
“I’ll take her,” Gemma said, scooping Aria up into her arms. “You chill out for a bit. I need some fresh air and she needs to burn off some of that excess energy. What do you say, Doodlebug? Shall we go to the park?”
For a brief moment, I saw desperation flash across Sass’s face, but it was gone just as quickly.
“Yay!” Aria squealed, throwing her arms around her mother’s neck.
Gemma laughed, said her goodbyes and then the two of them were gone, leaving Sass standing in the doorway, looking even more uncomfortable than before.
“Do you want a drink?” Leo asked, standing up and heading for the kitchen without waiting for an answer.
“I can get it.”
“No need, I’m already up. Coke?”
“Thanks.”
She walked into the living room and sat down in the armchair beside the one Leo had just vacated.
“Hi,” I smiled, hoping to break the ice.
“Hi.”
She gave me the briefest of glances, then Leo came back into the room and handed her a Coke, falling into the armchair next to her. The contrast between the two of them was obvious. He was relaxed, comfortable. She couldn’t have been more tightly-wound.
“I hear you had a bit of trouble at the bar the other night,” Jack said, addressing Sass.
“Yeah,” she said.
“Callum to the rescue,” Leo said, raising his beer at me. “Luckily.”
“Right place, right time,” I said casually. “It was the least I could do.”
Sass seemed to fold in on herself. Leo was right, her confidence had really taken a knock.
“Sorry,” Leo said, addressing Jack. “We got interrupted before, but yeah, apart from that one little hiccup, things are going well at the bar. We’re juggling the shifts between the three of us, and so far it’s working okay. Tomorrow night we have more live music, a different band this time. Red Venom – heard of them?”
Jack shook his head and I was just as vague.
“They’re pretty good. Kinda soft rock, really. If you liked the band from opening night, you’ll probably like th
ese guys.”
“Sounds good,” I said, determined to keep things light, even though I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Sass was trying her best to disappear into the armchair.
“I think we have similar taste in music,” Jack said, indicating a framed poster on the opposite wall.
I hadn’t noticed that one before, but I gave it my full attention. It was a Pearl Jam concert poster. I looked closer, noticing the date. It was from the gig Jack, Ally and I had attended together six years ago.
On the night of the accident.
Seeing it there, on the wall in Tom’s house, was one of the weirdest feelings I’d ever had. Like we were crossing a line somewhere, like the past and the present were merging and we were treading water somewhere in the middle.
“We were at that one,” Jack said, standing up and going over to take a closer look. “Me, Ally and Callum.”
I wondered if he was going to say any more, but he didn’t.
“Really? So were we – Gem and I.”
“Man, that’s so weird,” Jack said, turning back to him. “Where were you guys? Mosh pit or seated?”
I glanced over at Sass, but her attention was on Leo and Jack as they continued to discuss that night.
“Were you there, too?” I asked, hoping to get her to at least look at me.
She turned back to me, shaking her head.
“No.”
I smiled, hoping to bring her out of herself a little more.
“That’s a shame. It really was epic. My first PJ gig – waited all those years, and it was totally worth it.”
She nodded, giving me a cursory smile.
“Are you a fan?” I asked, grasping at straws.
“Of Pearl Jam? Yeah, I am. I was just… I was working that night.”
“It was Sass who got us tickets,” Leo said, as he and Jack tuned into our conversation. “It was sold out by the time we realised, but she had some, uh, industry contacts, I guess you’d call them.”
