by Amanda Dick
I sucked in a shaky breath. My body was on fire, and it had separated from my brain. One wanted him to come closer, it didn’t care what he said. The other wanted to push him away, because what he was suggesting was a step too far.
“Okay?” he asked again, his hand squeezing my hip gently.
God help me, I nodded.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
“Once I get onstage the tension explodes and I'm fine. I'm in another world - in a trance almost,
doing what I love best, expressing myself through guitar.”
– Jimmy Page
Callum
I couldn’t take my eyes off her. After what happened in the kitchen, it was like we were bound together somehow. Invisible chains dangled between us, like a silent promise. Like the one she’d made me in the kitchen.
I didn’t want her to lie to me anymore. I didn’t want her to shut me out. I wanted in, and I wanted in badly enough to make a move that risky, when I knew she wanted to take it slow. It had taken all the willpower I had in me to step away after that. I could sense her need for space. I could also sense that in making that promise to me, she was well outside her comfort zone. So was I.
Jesus, so was I.
I couldn’t make her promise to tell me the truth without being willing to do the same, and with the skeletons in my closet, that was a terrifying prospect. I got myself another beer and tried not to crowd her, even though I couldn’t bear for her to be out of my sight. I found myself watching every move she made.
I watched her with Aria, and I wondered if she had offered to put her to bed just to get away from me. I wondered if she’d wanted me to follow her. I wondered how she’d slept last night, because I hadn’t managed a wink. I wondered if she would tell me about the accident if I asked her. I wondered what her arm looked like, under the sock I’d seen over it that night at the bar. I wondered if she was ever going to trust me enough to show it to me.
“Right,” Leo said, sitting down with his guitar.
Gemma was lighting candles on the table and around the barbeque area, bathing the whole area in a soft, flickering golden glow.
“Any requests?”
“Give us some ideas,” Jack said.
I’d forgotten that he hadn’t been there to hear Leo play that night at the bar. He was in for a treat. We all were.
“He can pretty much play anything,” Gemma said proudly, sitting down again. “What about something old-school?”
Sass walked across the patio to sit down beside me.
“Did she go down okay?” Gemma asked, handing her a Coke.
“Yeah, she’s fine. She’s exhausted, so only one story tonight.”
She settled into her chair, only inches from mine. She crossed her legs, her foot touching my leg briefly, sending an electric shock right through me. I glanced over at her, but she seemed completely oblivious. Probably my imagination. I focussed my attention on Leo, and picked up my beer from the table.
“So, old-school,” Leo said, settling the guitar on his knee, scratching his chin. “Everyone okay with that?”
I didn’t give a shit what he played. He could play thrash metal tonight and it wouldn’t bother me as long as Sass stayed right where she was.
There was a round of murmured agreement, and he began to play. I recognised the cover almost immediately – it was Grateful Dead’s Friend of the Devil, a personal favourite of mine, although he had no way of knowing that.
Just like the first time I heard him play, I was drawn in immediately. His voice was so polished, it wasn’t hard to imagine him playing in front of an audience. Clearly, performing was in his blood. He shot the song full of soul, playing the entire thing either with his eyes closed or looking at no-one in particular. I wondered where he went when he played, because he really didn’t seem to be paying too much attention to us anymore.
I glanced over at Sass, but she was staring at Leo’s feet, as if she’d zoned out too. I took advantage, letting my gaze wander over her. Outwardly, she looked relaxed, but I wondered what was going on inside her head. It must take an extraordinary amount of strength to sit there and watch him play like that. I tore my gaze from her, taking another sip of beer. She had the kind of courage Ally had, the kind that comes from having survived something so devastating, most people can’t even imagine. They had a lot in common.
When he strummed the last chord, there was rousing applause from our small group.
“That was incredible!” Jack enthused, obviously awestruck. “I mean, I figured you must’ve been pretty into it when I saw your guitar collection, but… wow. Dude, that was amazing.”
“Thanks,” Leo smiled graciously.
“That goes double from me,” Ally said. “I haven’t heard that song for years. It always reminds me of that party of yours, remember?”
She turned to me, grinning.
“Was it your birthday? I don’t remember the exact details, but I know tequila was involved.”
“Hell yeah!” Jack joined in, grinning. “Yeah, I remember the one! I haven’t touched tequila since. That stuff is evil.”
“Ugh,” I shuddered, shaking my head. “Feels like a lifetime ago, doesn’t it?”
“Good memories,” Gemma smiled. “That’s what music does. It provides a background, like a reference point in time. You hear a song, and it takes you right back there again.”
There was general agreement on that.
“Okay then, what’s next?” Leo asked. “Give me some ideas.”
“Do you know Hold Back the River?” Ally asked.
“James Bay?”
“Yeah. Love that song.”
“Me too,” Gemma said.
As Leo launched into Hold Back the River, I couldn’t help stealing sidelong glances at Sass. She seemed closed off, as if she was only half there with us. I didn’t know where the other half of her was. Maybe one day she’d tell me.
For now, I quietly moved my chair the extra couple of inches needed to close the gap between us. She glanced down as I took her hand in mine, lacing my fingers between her own and resting them on her thigh. Her hand was smooth and warm, and after a few moments she looked up at me. I smiled at her, and in the candlelight, she smiled back.
Chapter Thirty
“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage,
even if we have to dig a little to find it.”
– Tori Amos
Sass
The bar was busy on Monday night, and although I’d have much rather been hiding out at home, it was actually easier to be busy at work. At least I had company. It helped keep me sane.
If a reporter showed up, I was prepared. I glanced over at the end of the bar at Callum, who had been there since we opened and had refused to budge. He knew how freaked out I was, and like it or not, he was determined to play the knight-in-shining-armour role again. Strangely, knowing that didn’t piss me off as much as it had a few days ago. I wanted him there, and just admitting that to myself was a leap. The simple fact was, having him sitting at the end of the bar was comforting. With him at one end and Leo at the other, I felt safer.
I served customers, wiped the bar down, collected empties and did everything else I usually did, but I spent my time in between all those things with Callum. We talked. We even laughed, which a couple of days ago, I would not have believed possible. Leo was right. Playing it by ear was the right way to go. I didn’t want to think too far in advance. I’d promised to be honest with him. I just hoped he would leave the hard questions until we knew each other a little better.
The shift seemed to fly by and before I knew it, it was time to close up.
“I’m going to go check out the back, then I’ll come out and lock up. You’ll be okay?” Leo asked, pausing in the door to the hallway.
“Take your time,” Callum said.
I looked over at him as Leo disappeared.
“I can answer for myself, y’know.”
He shrugged, his blue eyes sparkling even in the dim light
ing. Then he got up and walked along the bar, towards me.
“What are you doing?”
He ignored me, walking along to the hatch, which he ducked under, popping up on my side of the bar.
“You’re not allowed back here,” I said jokingly, my heart racing.
“Sue me.”
He walked straight up to me and then stopped, right in front of me. I stared up at him, mesmerised. He had this incredible capacity to be joking one minute, and then utterly serious the next. The kind of serious that made my knees weak. His expression changed in tiny increments, the kind you’d miss if you weren’t paying attention. It was as if his intentions came out only in his eyes, and right now, they were focussed on me with mind-numbing intensity.
“Someone might come in,” I said feebly.
He reached down to tuck my hair behind my ear, tilting my face up towards him in the same movement.
“I don’t give a shit,” he murmured, our lips almost touching. “I’ve wanted to do this all night.”
His lips sank into mine and I closed my eyes. It wasn’t like I hadn’t kissed a guy before. I just had never been kissed before, not the way Callum kissed me. He was both gentle and rough, tender and forceful. He left me in no doubt that he wanted me – all of me – and he was going to wear me down until he could have me. I felt myself melting into his arm as it curled around my back, drawing me closer to him. My traitorous body, ignoring the road blocks my brain had put in place to avoid situations such as this, gave itself up to him. It was frightening, how quickly I was falling for him. I was Miss Independent. I didn’t routinely give myself to anybody, yet there was no mistaking the fact that he was bulldozing his way through my walls, one by one.
“Kia Martin?”
Callum and I separated so quickly, I got a crick in my neck.
There was a stranger standing on the other side of the bar, watching us. A smug stranger, younger than me, with scruffy blonde hair and the beginnings of a beard, casually holding a mobile phone in his hand.
“You are Kia Martin, aren’t you? Your hair’s different, but I can see it’s you.”
He glanced down at my left hand and I quickly tucked it behind my back. In a single moment, the last year disappeared and I was that woman again. The one with the broken dream and the missing hand, boozed out of my head and on the run from the paparazzi. I wanted to be sick.
“Get out.”
I could feel Callum bristle beside me as the words fired out of him.
The guy held his hands up.
“Hey, don’t panic. I just want to talk, that’s all. I’m a reporter – my name’s Mike Dawson. I’m with –“
“I don’t care who you’re with,” I snapped, recovering my voice. “I don’t want to talk to you. Get out of my bar.”
“Come on Kia, have a heart – I’ve been driving all day. How about a drink?”
“Are you deaf?” Callum warned. “She said get out.”
The guy’s attitude changed in an instant. His eyes narrowed and I wanted to take a step back, away from him. I grabbed Callum’s hand, silently warning him, as my heart began pounding in my ears. I knew what these guys were capable of, and I knew what Callum was capable of. The combination scared the hell out of me.
“And who are you, exactly?” the guy asked, turning his attention to Callum.
“None of your damn business.”
Callum shook his hand out of mine, striding back along the length of the bar and under the hatch, towards the guy. To his credit, the guy backed off, but not by much.
“Hey, I don’t want any trouble, okay dude? I’m just here to talk to Kia, that’s all.”
“Well, she’s made it pretty damn clear that she doesn’t want to talk to you.”
Callum walked right up to him and stopped, inches from his face. He stood there, and I saw his fists clench.
Oh God.
“Callum – no, please,” I said quickly.
I could see this turning to shit in a heartbeat. It would be all over the internet. He could get in real trouble – the paparazzi weren’t known for backing down and from what I’d seen, neither was Callum.
“Callum?” the guy said, seizing on his name. “Is that your first or last name?”
Callum pushed the guy, just once, with the heel of his hand. The guy took a quick step backwards, shaking his head and smiling tightly as if this was all part of some masterplan. Maybe it was.
“Callum, don’t! This is what he wants!”
“Then this is what he’s gonna get.”
The guy stood calmly in the face of such hostility like he was used to it. Reporters. They were a breed apart. They didn’t care who they hurt to get what they needed, and I’d seen Callum’s temper. He thought he was protecting me, but he was probably going to make things worse unless I could stop him.
I turned my back for a moment – just a moment – and yelled down the hallway.
“Leo!”
The guy seemed amused, and not at all worried about his personal safety.
“Is your brother here? Fantastic. Maybe I can get a few minutes with the two of you?”
Callum took a step forward and shoved him again, forcing him to stumble backwards this time.
“Dude, what the hell? She doesn’t want to talk to you,” he growled. “No one here wants to talk to you, so why don’t you do yourself a huge favour and get the hell out of here while you can still walk?”
Leo came up behind me.
“He’s a reporter!” I hissed desperately.
That was all Leo needed to hear. He left me to follow Callum around the other side of the bar.
“I tend to agree with Callum,” he said calmly, but with a deadly serious expression that left little room for misunderstanding. “You need to get out of my bar before I call the cops.”
The guy put his hands up in a calming gesture.
“My name’s Mike Dawson. I work for –“
“I couldn’t care less who you work for, get out of my bar. Now.”
Leo and Callum stood side by side, a united front. Leo folded his arms across his chest, and even though he had his back to me, I could tell he was seething.
“I just want a few minutes with Kia – that’s all,” the guy went on, completely unperturbed. “She has fans, and they want to know how she’s doing.”
Before anyone could answer, he turned his attention to me.
“What are you up to – apart from running this place – now that you’re obviously out of the music business?”
My heart began pounding, as if it was going to leap right out of my chest. I shrank back against the door frame, but he didn’t stop. They never did.
“Do you miss playing? Do you keep in contact with Jason’s family? Have you forgiven him for what happened that –“
Leo grabbed the guy by his shirt, turned him around and frog-marched him to the door. Words were exchanged, but I couldn’t hear them over the rush of blood to my head.
I was falling.
Five things… five things!
I hit the floor, my stomach knotted up so tight that it refused to allow my heart to beat. I could feel it, my heart, deflating like a popped balloon. It happened so fast, with such brutality, that I couldn’t catch my breath.
Chapter Thirty-One
“I think the highest and lowest points are the
important ones. Anything else is just...in between.”
― Jim Morrison
Callum
For all his bluster, the guy let Leo drag him out the door. Good riddance. I watched them for a moment, fighting the urge to follow them and smack the guy as he left, just to make myself feel better.
What an asshole! Reporters – such bullshitters. Nothing they said had a speck of truth to it, so why the hell did they bother? It seemed to me as if they got their kicks feeding off the misery of everyone around them. Sass was right about that.
I held my ground. Leo had the situation under control. I’d never seen him angry. Usually, he w
as like the Zen master, but tonight he was raging. It was only barely contained but it was there, just beneath the surface. I silently hoped he found an outlet for that rage. That reporter prick sure as hell deserved it.
I turned around to see how Sass was doing, but she was gone. It took a second to register, but then I heard her. She was on the floor behind the bar, gasping for breath. I ran around the bar and saw her, huddled on the floor on her knees in a kind of crouched foetal position. She couldn’t breathe.
Asthma attack.
It took a moment for the information to make it from my brain to my body as I fell to my knees beside her. I took hold of her shoulders, unsure of what to do.
“Sit up, Sass. Can you sit up?”
Her body was shaking – not trembling, shaking, as if she was packed in ice. She didn’t respond, her breath coming in raspy wisps. Panic exploded through me.
“Leo! Quick!”
Leo’s footsteps pounded across the floor and a moment later, he was right beside us.
“She’s… I don’t know…” I said, desperation lacing my words as I glanced up at him.
He didn’t even hesitate. He took her by the shoulders, just as I had done, and he eased her upright until she was sitting back against the bar.
“Come on, Sass. Just breathe. You can do this, it’s okay.”
If she was pale before, she was now transparent. Every trace of colour had drained from her face. Even her lips were white, as though every last breath of oxygen had been removed from her body. I’d never been so scared in my life.
“I’ll call 911,” I said, scrambling to my feet.
“No,” Leo barked. “No, it’s okay. She’s gonna be okay, aren’t you Sass? Just breathe for me – one breath at a time, in then out. Come on, you can do it.”
She stared at him, her body trembling so violently I thought she was going to shake herself into a million pieces. He held on to her shoulders tightly, staring at her as if they had some kind of psychic connection that meant he could breathe for her.
