by Mia Ford
“The pill,” she repeated as understanding crossed her face. “You did it without a condom?” I widened my eyes and looked around the room, thankful that it was empty.
“On accident…the first time. I thought that I had it covered, but it turns out that there was a bad batch that came out.” I leaned back and closed my eyes, already exhausted.
“What did he say?” Ginger asked as I felt her rest her head on my chest.
“I haven’t told him. My phone broke, and I don’t know his number anyway, but I don’t want to tell him. It’s really early in the…you know. I have time to decide what to do.” I heard her inhale sharply as she took my hand.
“I can get his info, Elena. He deserves to know this.” Her voice was soft and chiding as I nodded.
“He doesn’t even know what we are. I don’t know what we are. Working towards something with a baby in the mix is going to be impossible. I can’t tell him.” I resigned myself to that from the moment they told me about the tiny person living in my body that survived the accident. “I am not going to see him anymore.”
“Oh, Elena. I know that this is hard, but you’ve looked happy lately. Are you sure?” Ginger asked. I nodded firmly. This was going to fade away, and I’d figure out my life while he was freed up to do the same. I didn’t know what I was going to do about the baby, but it was all on my shoulders. Not Liam’s. “When do you get to go home?”
“They want to keep me for another night since I live alone. I hit my head on the window pretty hard, and they keep checking on me,” I admitted as she turned her head, probably to look at me. I was tired now, and my eyes were closed, thinking of Liam and the last time that we were together.
I was going to miss him so much, but it was what I had to do.
Ginger stayed with me all day and night, offering to bring me back to her apartment so she could take care of me. She had a spare room, and I honestly wanted the company. Being alone in the small hospital room sounded so depressing. The doctor agreed, since I seemed to be recovering nicely and I dressed in the clothes that I came to the hospital in until we could swing by my place and pick up some more stuff.
I watched her park out front and gazed at my building. Someone was standing in front of it, and I searched around us for cars. This wasn’t a great part of town, to begin with, and I wasn’t willing to approach it in my weakened state.
I saw Liam’s car across the street and groaned. “He’s here, Ginger. What do I do?”
“Talk to him. He’s probably worried sick.” Her voice was stern, and I looked at her.
“Can you get my stuff? I can’t deal with this.” She sighed and leaned forward.
“Fine but if he wants to talk, open the window.” She took my keys in a huff and left the car as I pushed my dark glasses up the bridge of my nose. I was still battered and bruised and just wanted a bath and some sleep at Ginger’s. I wasn’t looking at my door directly, but I could see movement out of the corner of my eyes despite every attempt to ignore everything happening around me. When I was left alone for a moment, I glanced over to see Ginger in the doorway as she shrugged at me. Liam appeared, and she walked inside before he glared at the car, making me turn away.
Liam
I stared at Ginger’s car, both relieved and pissed off to see Elena huddled in the front seat. I had checked the apartment before letting Ginger in, hating how small and run down it was. I had a brief thought that she could move in with me and we could start a life together. Reality hit me like a fucking train, and I knew that it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.
I listened as Ginger packed some things into a bag, longing for Elena to come to my place and not Ginger’s. I’d been so damned worried about her and even called in today so I could drive by a few times. I needed to know something…anything. I found my feet moving forward, towards the new Lexus as Elena leaned her head back. She had big glasses over her eyes, but I could see small cuts and bruises on her face that made all my anger drain from my body.
I got to the window and tapped as she stared forward for a moment. She lowered the sparkling glass and looked at me as I leaned forward. “You shouldn’t be here,” Elena told me in a hoarse voice, as I raised an eyebrow.
“Why the fuck didn’t you call me? I’ve been worried sick since you left that night, Elena,” I heard my rage leave my lips as she winced and shuffled her hands in her lap.
“My phone is dead. I need to replace it.” That was her weak excuse? I knew that Robin stopped in and gave her my number the day after the accident.
“You were given my number. Remember?” I hissed as a tear slid down her cheek.
“You couldn’t come to see me anyway. I am sure that Robin told you that I was going to be okay.” Elena was right, but I still wanted to hear from her and have her tell me what was happening.
“No, I couldn’t, and I don’t know how many times I risked everything to do just that. I wanted to see your face and hold your hand. I hated the way we left things that night. I should have let you stay, baby. I’m sorry. You could have been killed.” I leaned in and reached for her shoulder, not wanting to hurt her face or neck. “Are you feeling better? Are you coming back to class soon?”
“I am sore, so I’m not sure. I just want to rest,” Elena told me in a soft voice as I imagined not seeing her sitting in the class anymore. “I have to call and see how that works.”
“Stay with me. I’ll take care of you,” I told Elena as she stared out of the window.
“I am going to stay with Ginger,” Elena said to me as my heart sank. “It’s better, for now, Liam.”
She was so shut off, so cold. I played back what I knew of the accident and couldn’t find a reason she’d be pushing me away. I knew she was in pain, but we’d made some headway over the last few days before the accident. I was giving her what I could. “Did I do something? You seem angry with me.” I waited after I spoke, not sure what she would say.
“I have had a lot of time to think,” Elena told me slowly as she shrank away from my hand. “I don’t want this, Liam. I want to complete school and not worry about what this relationship might do to my life. It wouldn’t last anyway.”
“Why? We haven’t given it a real shot yet,” I argued as she took a slow, deep breath with a pained expression.
“I don’t want to. I want to finish school, graduate and see what happens then. I can’t be in a messy relationship like this and do all of that. You have your job to think about.” I heard her words, but she seemed to be rambling on. “I am okay, Liam. I just need some healing time, but I am going to be fine. You can move on with your life now.”
“I don’t want that. I want you,” I told Elena, reaching for her hand as she froze. I held it against her stomach and gripped her tightly. “I will work harder, Elena. I have never felt like this about a woman before. I don’t want it to end.”
“I do. Just leave me alone.” Elena looked at me, but I couldn’t see her face behind those lenses. I reached forward to pull them off, seeing her bruised face and the tears in her eyes. “It’s over, Liam.” She pushed my hand away in the same movement that she used to jerk away from me and placed the glasses on her face again. I heard footsteps behind us and glanced to the left to see Ginger loading some bags into the trunk. She gave me a helpless shrug as I ran a hand through my hair and stared at Elena.
There was something else going on here, but I didn’t know what. I couldn’t force Elena to tell me. I could only do what she asked, and I stepped back from the car. I knew better than to fight her on this.
Ginger told me little as well, but I could see on her face that something was wrong. She got into the car and started the engine as Elena rolled the window up. I watched them drive away and felt a pain in my heart that was stronger than anything before this. Was I falling for her? I told myself that I wouldn’t, but the more time that we spent together, the more I knew I wanted Elena in my life. I was fucked and now alone.
As I walked to my car, I realized that Elena m
ight be dropping the semester due to her accident. We could pursue something slowly in that case, but she didn’t even want to try. I slid inside of the seat, starting the engine to head home. I had hoped that Elena would come with me so I could take care of her and just spend some time with her. I knew that she wasn’t calling me, but I never expected her to end things with us.
Marie called when I was walking to my door, and I relayed what went down at Elena’s apartment. “Did something happen that was more serious than you originally thought?” Marie asked me as I walked to the back deck and sat down with a cold beer.
“Not that I remember. It was a little sad when Elena left that night since we knew we had to hold back, but we didn’t end anything. Something happened from the accident. I just don’t know what.” I popped the lid and took a sip. “I should have made her stay. We would’ve had dinner as planned and everything would be different.”
“Maybe and maybe not. You don’t know what is going on,” Marie told me as I stared out over the trees.
“The thing about it is she might not be coming back to class. I didn’t get details of her injuries from Elena, but she was pretty bruised up and said that she was sore.” I shook my head. “It might have worked out that way.”
“Give her time, Liam. She might just need some space. To me, it seemed like you two were good together,” Marie told me before bringing up dinner the following weekend. I agreed since it was tradition and I needed to hold onto something right now.
I drank a few too many beers and woke up in the morning on the couch. My head was throbbing, and I groaned as I pushed myself up and went to the bathroom. I glanced at the messy bed that I hadn’t slept in for the last two nights and damn it if it didn’t smell like Elena in here. I had class today at noon and showered before pulling on some worn jeans and a clean button up from the closet. I looked a little worse for wear, but I knew Economics better than anything else so I could teach it in my sleep.
I sipped strong coffee as I drove to the campus, finding a close parking space. I got out and slipped my messenger bag over my shoulder as I looked around at the students clustered together under a rare sunny sky. I didn’t see Elena, but I didn’t expect to. She was probably in bed at Ginger’s on some heavy pain meds, not thinking about school at all.
Was she thinking about me as I was her?
I straightened as I entered the class and jumped right into the lecture, my voice steady as I spoke. I looked tired and felt every bit of that, but I had a great schedule and would be out of here after some office time.
I knew that I was a little slow today, but kept going with the lecture, trying not to subject the students to the mood that I was in. I breathed a sigh of relief when I was finished, and they started packing their bags. I knew the girls were looking at me as I straightened my papers, staring down so I wouldn’t see the looks on their faces. The hungry gazes hadn’t stopped since I was seeing Elena. In fact, it seemed like the attention grew and I didn’t want any temptation right now. I was feeling vulnerable, but deep down I knew that no woman would feel like Elena did.
The room emptied, and I gathered my things to go to the office. I met up with Sarah a couple times a week to go over stuff, and she was waiting there as expected. She looked at me with a concerned expression for a moment as I walked forward to unlock the door. “Are you okay?”
“Tired. Late night,” I told her as I led the way inside of the small room, the memories of Elena hitting me with an intensity that almost made me stop breathing. “Jesus.” I realized that I wasn’t alone and set my bag on the desk before sitting down. “So, I owe you notes from the lecture to prepare worksheets. I made you some copies, and they’re in my bag.”
I found the stack and handed them to her as Sarah raised an eyebrow at the pile. It was sloppy since I was distracted this weekend and got to it later than normal. “Are you sure that you’re all right?” She asked again as I nodded. I couldn’t tell her what was going on. I couldn’t tell anyone, but Marie and I didn’t want to dump this on her every time an emotion hit me.
“It was a long weekend, Sarah. That’s all,” I assured her as she quickly flipped through the papers before straightening them. She made her way back out to the campus so she could catch a class, and I ran a hand through my hair. I was a fucking mess today, and I needed some coffee or a long nap.
Elena
I rested on the couch as a talk show played through the apartment, thinking about school. I was still very sore and had a lot of trouble just moving in general, so I was still resting. I’d called the school, and they told me that they made exceptions for illness and things like accidents, so I could take a break and come back next semester if I chose to. I couldn’t miss too many classes and hope to have a chance at catching up, and the idea of walking around alone made me ache deep inside.
Or was it because I was missing Liam?
I hated saying those words to him at my apartment. I wanted him to bring me back to his place just to be in his arms, but I’d never be able to hold back about the baby that way. I needed time away from him. I needed to think. Ginger kept asking me if I was sure about my decision and I assured her that I was.
She went to school but was otherwise home to take care of me. She cooked every meal and made sure that I took my medicine and slept properly. I played along though I didn’t always sleep that well. I was sore, and I kept dreaming about Liam.
The dreams varied. In some, we were in Liam’s bed making love the way I never had before and likely never would again. I missed the way that he touched me and I’d wake up in tears some nights before I remembered why we were apart. I would slide my hand down over my stomach, still flat. I knew that there was a little life in there, though. I’d been to the doctor, and it was verified that I was only about one and a half months along. I was starting to feel a bit of the all-day sickness that came along with the first trimester, and Ginger kept the apartment stocked up on things to ease the discomfort. She was reading books about what to expect, making me want to cry as I watched her sometimes.
I still wasn’t completely sure that I was going to keep the baby, but knew that I could not terminate the pregnancy. This was a life, and I hated the idea of pushing another part of Liam away. I spent a lot of time trying to fit a baby into my life with school and working, something that had fallen to the wayside since the accident. I couldn’t sit up long enough to get too much work done and was thankful that my clients were so understanding about things.
Sometimes the idea of being a single mother made me cry myself to sleep. Liam was a wonderful man, and he’d make a great father with a woman that wasn’t forbidden. He’d love them both with all that he had, but Liam wouldn’t want it with a student that he was just sleeping with. We had no idea where this was going to go, and a baby would make it end that much faster. It was then that I’d convince myself just to give the baby to a family that was ready and to move on with my life.
I was so conflicted.
Ginger was a great listener, and we sat up watching movies a lot and eating the things that I craved. Since I knew I was going to carry the baby to term, there was no reason not to give in to every part of the pregnancy. She convinced me to move into the apartment since I wasn’t working too much and there was room for me, for both of us if I decided to keep the baby.
I was better within a couple of weeks, but I’d withdrawn from school by that time. I hated doing that, but it made sense. I could figure all of this out and move forward next semester.
It was after I was better that Ginger took me out one evening to get a new phone and some dinner. I missed being outside and breathed in the cooling October air as we walked into a pizza place for some dinner. I looked around as we approached the counter to order, pausing when I saw Liam with Marie and another guy and girl in the back. He was drinking beer, and a couple of pies were in front of them as he laughed at something the blonde beside him said. “Elena?” Ginger asked as she turned to look at me, following my gaze to the back
of the room. “Oh, sweetie. Do you want to leave?”
“No. We live in the same city, and this is going to happen. I’m craving this pizza too much to leave.” I was only about three months now and not showing at all, so there was nothing to worry about. We walked to the counter and ordered before Ginger took her beer to a table that was away from Liam as I followed with my water. I took one more look back his way, seeing his eyes on me before I looked down and hurried to the booth. Hopefully, he’d stay back there and leave this alone.
He looked so damn good, and my thighs ached as I sipped the ice water. Yes, I was feeling that part of pregnancy as well, even though I’d never sleep with a random guy to ease the ache. I had a hand for that, and soon there would be toys. I felt that this was just going to get worse.
We tried to talk about something lighthearted as we waited for the pizza and garlic bread sticks but my mind was on Liam. Since I didn’t have a phone this entire time on purpose, not wanting to be the one to refuse calls, I had been free of him. I jumped as someone moved into the booth beside me and stared at Liam with wide eyes. “What are you doing?”
“I wanted to see how you’re doing. Your phone wasn’t working,” Liam said as I looked carefully around the restaurant. “We’re not in class together. Jesus, Elena. I want to see how you are.”
“I’m better. The soreness is going away finally, and I am getting around again. I’m not in school anymore, but I’ll pick it back up next semester.” I looked down at the table as I felt him take my hand, feeling my willpower fade as he squeezed me. “Liam. Stop.”
“I fucking miss you,” he told me in a low voice as I closed my eyes. “I’ve been so worried, Elena.”
“I'm all right.” I wanted him to leave because the heat from our joined hands was climbing up my arm. My body was responding in kind, and I pulled my hand away.
“What happened to giving it a chance when we could, Elena? You wanted that as much as I did,” Liam spoke close to my ear as I closed my eyes. He slid out and left me as my mouth dropped open, trying to catch my breath.
