He took a big swig and collapsed in my recliner with a loud ahhhh. “Oh good, you’ve got the game on.”
“Meemaw! Papaw!” Sophia came barreling out of her room at the speed of a freight train, like she hadn’t seen her grandparents in years as opposed to just a day or two.
Mom scooped her up and peppered her cheeks and neck with kisses that made her squeal happily before putting her back on the ground so my dad could do the same.
My gaze bounced back and forth between my folks. I picked up the remote and muted the commercial currently playing on the TV and I finally asked in a deadpan voice, “To what do I owe the pleasure?”
“I thought I’d take Sophia to spend the gift cards she got for her birthday.” Sophia shouted excitedly, throwing her fist in the air. “We can have a girls’ day,” Mom told her. “Shopping and lunch, no boys allowed.”
“Yeah! I’ll go put my shoes on! No boys allowed! No boys allowed!” she chanted as she headed back for her bedroom. I was just about to get up and get my own beer when the sound of Sophia singing from her bedroom froze every single cell in my body. I couldn’t breathe as those familiar words came echoing down the hallway. Hell, even my parents were still with shock.
Two minutes later she came back out wearing those ballet slippers that didn’t go with the outfit at all, not that she’d care.
“Hey, Angel?” I squatted down in front of Sophia and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Where’d you hear that song, baby?”
“That’s the song Ms. Lilly sang to me to chase my bad dream away,” she answered innocently. “Her daddy sang it to her when she was little and had bad dreams too.”
Christ, what were the odds that the special song Lilly sang for my daughter the night before just so happened to be my wife’s favorite, the very song she walked around singing all the time. Did coincidences like that really happen?
Mom gave me a look that told me no, coincidences like that certainly didn’t happen. She’d always been a firm believer that everything happened for a reason, and I knew she’d take this and run with it. I ignored her look and helped Soph put her jacket on.
Kisses were exchanged and the two of them left for their girls’ day, leaving me and my old man to relax in front of the TV without interruption for the rest of the day. At least I could count on some peace and quiet.
Or so I thought…
It was halftime in the game, Dad had just come back from the kitchen with his second beer, and my eyes were growing heavy as I leaned back on the couch, my feet propped on the coffee table. I had started contemplating a nap when Dad spoke up, effectively killing any hopes I had of catching some much-needed sleep.
“What’s going on with you and that pretty dance teacher?”
I’d just taken a swallow of my beer when he blurted that out, and I proceeded to choke on it. At least he wasn’t bringing up the song. Once I stopped sputtering and was able to breathe again, I managed to croak, “What?”
Dad gave me a knowing look. “Please, son. I’m old, not stupid. I’m also not blind.”
“Dad…” I shook my head, dropped my feet to the carpet and sat up. “It’s not like that.”
His face grew serious as he turned to face me fully, completely forgetting all about the game. “Not like what, exactly?”
I started to feel defensive for some insane reason. It was hard enough trying to battle my feelings. Having someone else reaffirm them only set me further on edge. I stood from the couch and began pacing. “There’s nothing between us,” I insisted, even though the lie left a sour taste on my tongue. There was something between us, something intense and frightening. I could deny it to myself all damn day, but putting a voice to that denial just felt… wrong. Almost as wrong as having those feelings in the first goddamned place.
Dad stood tall as well and stepped in front of me, forcing me to stop. “Quinn, do you even realize that Sophia’s birthday party was the first time any of us have heard you laugh in over three years?”
“That’s ridiculous,” I sneered, turning on my heels in the direction of the kitchen.
“It’s true!” Dad grabbed hold of my shoulder, thwarting my pathetic attempt to escape.
“Jesus, Dad. I laugh all the fucking time.”
“Not like that. Not genuinely. That laugh came from deep in your gut. So fucking unexpected it scared your mom and me.”
Tension coiled inside me so tightly I thought I might snap. “Stop,” I snarled, jerking from my father’s hold. But he wasn’t done.
“And all it took was a few words from that girl to get you to let go and laugh. That means something, son.”
“Stop!”
“You deserve happiness. You’ve been walking around, half a man since Addy died. Watching you with Lilly, I saw flashes of the man my son used to be. I miss that man.”
“I said stop!” I roared, so loud Dad took a step back.
His voice lowered, his expression grew pained. “What are you so scared of?”
With that one simple question, asked by the man I respected most in the entire world, that coil inside me broke. “It’s wrong!” I shouted, unable to hold it in anymore. “It’s fucking wrong! I don’t deserve that, no matter what you or Mom think. It’s my fault Addy died. Mine. If it wasn’t for me, she’d still be alive. I had happiness once, and I fucking killed it, okay? So just drop it! It doesn’t matter what you think you saw between me and Lilly, because nothing’s ever going to come of it. The man I was, the man you miss, died with Addy in that car. Just let it go, Dad. Let it fucking go.”
In all my life, I’d only seen my father cry two times. The first time was when I woke up in the hospital room after the accident. The second time was during my wife’s funeral. He’d never really been the type to cry. He was the strongest man I’d ever met. But as he stood there, watching me unravel again, his eyes grew glassy.
“Oh, son,” he whispered, his voice ravaged with heartache that only made my own that much worse. “That’s not true.”
“It is!” I demanded, raking my hands threw my hair in agony. “It is. I killed her, Dad. It was my fault.”
His expression grew fierce as he charged me, grabbing hold of my shoulders and giving them a rough shake. “It was an accident. You hear me? An accident. You aren’t to blame for Addy’s death.”
“If I’d been paying attention—”
He cut me off. “The events of that night were a tragedy, but it was not your fault. You can spend the rest of your life analyzing every single second, wondering how you could have reacted differently, but there is no way you could guarantee the outcome would have been any different. You can’t walk around blaming yourself for something that was beyond your control, Quinn. That’s no way to live.”
“Dad…” my voice was like gravel. It physically hurt to force the words from my throat. “You don’t understand…”
“You’re right,” he whispered. “I don’t. And it kills me a little more every single day to see you suffering this way. I wish I could undo it all. I wish I could take this pain for you, but I can’t, and I pray to God you never have to experience what it’s like to feel so goddamned helpless when it comes to your own child. If I could carry this burden for you, I would, in a heartbeat.” He gave me another shake as he repeated, “That accident was not your fault. You can’t spend the rest of your life punishing yourself.”
“That’s not what I’m doing,” I insisted, even though each day felt like a test to see how miserable I could make myself feel. I kept myself mired in the past for that very reason. Even my memories were part of my penance for what I’d done.
“For a brief moment that day, I got a glimpse of my son while he wasn’t crippled with grief. You looked at that girl and for just a second, you forgot to blame yourself for everything. Hold on to that, son. I’m begging you, for your sake and Sophia’s, hold on to that. If that girl can give you an ounce of peace, you hold on to that. No matter what you believe, you deserve some peace.”
He was so adamant with every
thing he said that I knew in my heart that he truly believed them.
The problem was… I wasn’t sure that I did.
16
Lilly
I’d been sitting at my desk, staring at my calendar for so long my eyes were starting to cross. After my fight with Quinn I’d left his house with an uncomfortable knot in my stomach that refused to go away. I thought that maybe a trip to Denver might have been a good idea, a change of scenery for a weekend to clear my head. But the brightly-colored boxes on my computer screen were mocking me, telling me a mini-vacation was out of the question.
A knock at my office door startled me and made me jump. My head jerked up to see Kyle standing in the doorway, smirking at me. “Jeez. You scared the shit out of me.”
“Well, if you weren’t so focused on trying to blow your computer up with your mind, maybe you’d have noticed me sooner.”
I scowled. “Funny. I wasn’t trying to blow it up. I was just…” I banged the computer mouse a few times to let off some steam. “Trying to get my calendar to do what I want, but the asshole refuses to cooperate.”
Kyle plopped down in the chair across from me and propped his feet on my desk. “What are you trying to get it to do?”
I let out a frustrated huff and collapsed back into my chair, spinning it around in circles as I spoke. “I was hoping to get away for a few days, maybe go to Denver, but I’ve got too much on my plate right now. It’s not possible.” Kyle gave me a look that I couldn’t quite decipher. “What? What’s that look about?”
“It’s about the fact that you have me and Samantha to handle your classes for you for two or three days so you can get out of here and take a load off for a while.”
It was an argument I’d heard several times over the few years he and Samantha had worked for me. Any time Kyle thought I was over-extending myself, he’d say he and Sam could carry more of the weight. It was his way of looking out for me. Being his boss made it a little hard to consider Kyle a true friend since the fact I paid him sometimes blurred the lines, but I had to give him credit, he never stopped trying. His insistence made me wonder if it was just my own insecurities that were the real issue.
“I don’t know,” I hesitated. “You each have your classes, plus we’re gearing up for the Winter Showcase. I just don’t think it’s the right time.”
He rolled his eyes dramatically. “It’s never the right time, as far as you’re concerned. What’s the worst that could happen, huh? We burn the place down?”
That certainly didn’t make me feel any better. “Yes. That. Exactly that.”
“Please,” he scoffed. “Just admit it. You’re a total control freak. That’s why you have so much trouble letting go.”
“Am not!” I objected, even though it was the truth. I was a complete control freak.
He gave me a serious look and sat forward in the chair. “Come on, Lil. It’s just a few days. Trust me, Sam and I can handle that. Besides, whether you want to talk about what you’ve been dealing with the past several weeks or not, we aren’t blind. We know it’s heavy. You need a break, admit it.”
I suddenly felt bad for keeping such a tight hold on everything. I hired both Kyle and Samantha because they were talented and capable. And he was right. I definitely needed a break. “Is it that obvious?”
“That you’ve got some serious heavy in your life right now? Uh, yeah, babe. It’s pretty damn obvious. Look, I’m not telling you to sit here and pour your heart out if that’s not what you want to do, but if taking a little vacation will help you deal with whatever it is that’s going on in your world, then let us help.”
For the first time since this morning, I was actually able to take a deep breath. Kyle couldn’t possibly know it, but his concern for my wellbeing eased some of the weight that had been sitting on my chest for weeks.
I smiled my first real smile since Quinn’s blowup earlier that morning. “Thank you.”
“Anything, honeybun.” Kyle stood and headed for the door, but stopped long enough to look over his shoulder and offer, “I know you’re a private person and all that, but if you ever need to talk… about anything, I’m here. I just want you to know that.”
Maybe I needed to start reevaluating my relationship with Kyle.
“You’re here!” Eliza squeaked as soon as she opened the door to her and Ethan’s loft.
“Oh my God!” I screeched at the sight of her little baby bump. She moved in for a hug just as I ducked down and reached for her belly. It wasn’t until I laid eyes on her belly that I realized how real it was. “You’re going to be a mommy!”
We both let out a tiny scream and jumped in place, embracing each other tightly in celebration.
“Dear Lord,” Ethan’s deep voice echoed around us. “I forgot you two reach ear-bleeding decibels when you’re around each other.”
I laughed and disengaged from Eliza in order to hug Ethan. “And you’re going to be a daddy!”
He squeezed tightly and lifted my feet off the ground for a few seconds. “We’re so glad you’re here,” he told me once he put me back down. “Eliza’s been going crazy up here without her partner in crime.”
“Aw,” I pinched his cheek playfully. “I’ve missed you too.”
He swatted at my hands playfully and stepped back so Eliza could come up beside me and loop her arm across my shoulders. “It’s true. We have missed you. And I can’t wait to take you to the game tomorrow, you’re gong to have so much fun!”
That was exactly what I was counting on. Fun. The perfect thing to keep my mind off the fact my world seemed to be spiraling out of control.
The game was insane… in a very good way. I’d never seen Eliza as out of control as she was watching her husband on the field. Maybe it was all the extra hormones from the pregnancy, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her scream at Ethan to ‘Kill him!’; ‘Stomp him into the ground!’ before. Watching the other players’ wives and girlfriends shy away from my bestie had been the icing on the cake. They seriously thought she was demented. It was great.
After the game, we headed over to a dive bar a few minutes from the stadium where the guys liked to go and decompress. Luckily they’d won, so no one would be drinking their sorrows away. I was on my third IPA, Eliza on her second Shirley Temple, when she dropped the bomb.
“Don’t be mad at me.”
I swallowed my beer and gave her a curious look. “Why would I be mad?” I looked around the bar. Sure, it was weathered and had probably hit its heyday back in the seventies, but it was clean and bug free. “This place isn’t that bad.”
“No. Not about the bar.” I followed her gaze through the dingy window and spotted Ethan on the sidewalk just outside. And he wasn’t alone. That was when it dawned on me.
“What did you do?”
Just then, Ethan’s loud, boisterous laughter rang out, resonating through the semi-empty bar.
Eliza’s voice lowered to a whisper and she began talking at a fast clip. “I know you said you weren’t up for any blind dates, but he’s a really nice guy, I swear. His name is Alex Sanders, he’s twenty-seven, single, never been married, no arrest record, and a Defensive End for the team. And I never would have done this, but he saw a picture of you and found out you were here for the weekend. He asked Ethan about setting him up.”
“Shit,” I hissed out, picking up my draft glass and downing the rest of the contents, then waving at the bartender for another. “I should be pissed, but I can’t when you’re carrying my niece or nephew.” I gave her a fake glare as she burst out into laughter. “I came here to relax,” I admitted quietly. “I needed to get away and de-stress for a few days, Eliza. This doesn’t really help me with that.”
Her eyes grew concerned and she tipped her head to the side to study me, however, Ethan and his friend reached us before she could say a word.
“Ladies.” I turned around and pasted a smile on my face as Ethan introduced me to his teammate.
Alex took the barstool on my left, put
ting me between him and Eliza. “Can I order you another drink?” he asked just as the bartender set my fourth beer in front of me.
“Sorry.” I gave him an apologetic smile. “But I’ll let you get the next one?
He laughed and I noticed then that he was actually pretty cute. Tall, really flipping tall, built, light brown hair and eyes, but that spark I probably would have felt from looking at him a few months ago just wasn’t there.
“I’ll take you up on that.” He ordered a Bud Light from the bartender and turned back to me, holding out his hand for me to shake. His entire hand engulfed mine and I almost giggled thinking of all the women who probably compared the size of his hands to the size of his penis. Okay, so maybe I was a little buzzed. “It’s nice to meet you. Eliza and Ethan talk about you all the time.”
“It’s nice to meet you too.”
Alex was a pretty laid back guy, and the longer we all hung out at the bar, the more I enjoyed his company… in a strictly platonic way. After beer number five, my cellphone vibrated in my purse. I knew I needed to switch to water when I pulled my phone out and had to close one eye in order to read the text.
They were two simple words that came two days too late. But they still hit me right in the chest.
Quinn: I’m sorry.
So much for leaving my stress back in Pembrooke. With a large sigh, I hit the button to make the screen go black and shoved the phone back into my purse.
“Everything okay?” Alex asked, his expression one of curiosity.
I tried to smile but knew it felt short. “Yeah. It’s all good.” My phone vibrated again, and like the masochist I was, I pulled it out and read it.
Quinn: And I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to apologize. Can I come over so we can talk?
Well shit.
“Boyfriend?”
Alex’s voice startled me back into reality. “What? Oh, no. No boyfriend.” I exited out of my texts and sat the phone down on the bar top.
“So, if there’s no boyfriend…” I really didn’t like the way he trailed off and smiled. “Maybe you’d be willing to go to dinner with me tomorrow night?”
Welcome to Pembrooke: The Complete Pembrooke Series Page 51
