“Lilly? Is someone at the door?”
We both turned in time to see her mother heading our way. I’d only met her parents once, after the Winter Showcase, and it hadn’t been a very good first impression on my part. I’d been struggling with my growing feelings for Lilly, and meeting her parents was too much for me to handle at the time. I’d reverted back to what was familiar to me and acted like a dick.
“Mom.” Lilly took a big step back from me as she offered a stilted introduction. “You remember Quinn from the Showcase. He just stopped by to offer his condolences.”
I gave her a quick look, understanding exactly what she was up to, it spoke volumes, stating that she wasn’t getting rid of me that easily. Extending my hand for her to shake, I squeezed gently and offered, “Mrs. Mathewson. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you.” She smiled politely while her tired eyes shown with the tears she was battling. “And please call me Elizabeth. It was nice of you to come. Would you like to come in? We have plenty of food if you’re hungry. The neighbors have been quite generous.”
“I wouldn’t want to impose—”
“Nonsense.” She waved me off. “You wouldn’t be imposing at all. The house is full of people anyway, and there’s no way I’ll ever be able to eat everything in the kitchen. You’d be doing me a favor. I can’t let you drive back to Pembrooke on an empty stomach.”
I dropped Elizabeth’s hand and gave Lilly side-eyes as I said, “I’m actually not going back for a few days. My folks are watching my daughter for me. I rented a room at the Holiday Inn a few miles away. I wanted to be here for Lilly if she needed me.”
From the corner of my eye, I could see Lilly’s face growing red as Elizabeth pulled in a breath and clasped her hands in front of her. “Oh how sweet! Isn’t that sweet, honey?”
Lilly looked like she’d just bitten into a lemon while she ground out, “Yeah. So sweet.” It was an inappropriate thought, considering the circumstances, but I couldn’t help but want to gloat, knowing I’d just won that round.
“You should stay here,” Elizabeth continued. “We have plenty of room. No reason for you to have to pay for a hotel.”
“Mom,” Lilly cut in. “I’m sure Quinn would feel more comfortable in his own space.” She shot me a quick, murderous glare and the knot in my stomach unfurled a bit, seeing that familiar fire in her eyes after how blank they were when I’d first arrived.
“I insist!” Elizabeth kindly patted my shoulder. “Go get your bags, Quinn. Lilly can show you to the guest room upstairs.”
“B-but…” she sputtered as I tried to keep from grinning triumphantly. “What about Eliza? That was supposed to be her room. Where’s she supposed to sleep?”
“She can sleep with you, honey. It’ll be just like old times when you were kids.”
Another wave of sorrow washed over Lilly’s face, and I understood exactly what she was thinking. Just like old times, with the exception of one very important person being present. “I’ll just go get my stuff,” I said in an attempt to pull her from her sad memories.
“I’ll help,” she offered softly before leading me out the front door.
Once we got outside, I noticed all she had to ward off the cold in the air was a cardigan that she had pulled closed tightly around her. “You shouldn’t be out here without a jacket,” I started, as I followed her to my truck in the driveway. “It’s supposed to start snowing any time now.”
“Why are you here?” she asked, ignoring what I just said. “Seriously, Quinn. Don’t you think I’m struggling enough already? You have to go and make it harder after—” Her voice broke as another bout of grief worked to consume her. I tried to go to her, but she took a step away, holding one hand out to stop me. In that moment I felt helpless, and it was a feeling I absolutely hated. She was struggling and there was nothing I could do to help her through it. She wouldn’t let me.
“I can’t do this with you right now,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around her waist as if holding herself together. “I need to be here for my mom. I can’t afford to lose it.”
“And what about you?” I asked, my voice hard. “Who’s supposed to be here for you? You can’t take all the weight for your mother and not mourn yourself. It’s not healthy.”
“You think I don’t know that?!” she shouted. I could see those whiskey-colored eyes of hers shining with tears before she squeezed them closed and ran both her hands through her hair in agitation. “I can’t…” She swallowed convulsively. “I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this, Quinn. Everything hurts. I miss my dad. I want him back. I want him to come back, but he’s never going to.” She sobbed. “And then you show up, and it just hurts to look at you. I can’t handle all of this. I need to be strong for Mom, but I feel like I’m drowning!”
I couldn’t stay away from her any longer. The distance between us when she was so heartbroken gutted me. Closing the space in two short strides, I wrapped her in my arms and pressed my face against the top of her head.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I’m so goddamned sorry. I wish everything could be different. I wish you weren’t suffering, but please, please let me be here for you. You need someone who’s looking out for you while you look out for your mom. I know you don’t want that person to be me, and I know I hurt you, but please let me do this. I can’t stand the thought of you dealing with all this shit on your own.”
“I have Eliza—” she started to argue, but I broke in before she could finish pushing me away.
“And you’ll have me too. Please, Lilly,” I begged.
After a few seconds, she sniffled; the muscles in her body loosened and I knew it was time to let her go. She wouldn’t allow me to hold her any longer. Dropping my arms, I moved to my truck and grabbed my bag from the back seat.
“You can stay,” she said, her voice flat. “You’re here, and my mom invited you, so you can stay. You’re right. I need all the help I can get to make it through the next few days.” I breathed a sigh of relief, but it was short-lived as she continued. “But nothing’s changed. You’re still the guy who broke my heart a month ago. We aren’t friends, Quinn. You’re here because I need someone, but that’s it. Once we get back to Pembrooke, things go back to the way they’ve been. Don’t try and be a part of my life. Don’t try and be my friend. If you can’t do that, then you should leave now. Understand?”
It killed me that I couldn’t protest, because she was right. Nothing had changed. She’d told me she loved me, and in return, I’d ended our relationship. I still couldn’t give her what she needed, what she deserved. I’d had that once already and destroyed it. I didn’t deserve it again. The guilt was still there, eating away at my insides, leaving me empty. No matter how much I wanted Lilly, how much she meant to me, I couldn’t give her that.
“I understand.” I nodded and hooked the strap of my bag over my shoulder, and if it was even possible, her expression grew even sadder. As I followed her up the path to the front door, I couldn’t help but think that me being here was only making everything worse on her.
But I couldn’t make myself stay away.
To say Lilly wasn’t coping would have been an understatement. I’d kept a close eye on her the past two days, always at the distance she kept me at. She watched her mother like a hawk, so much so that she was able to anticipate Elizabeth’s needs before the words were even spoken. She cleaned, she played gracious hostess to all of her family, and held her mother whenever things got too hard and the poor woman couldn’t hold back the tears. Eliza and I accompanied the two of them as they went to make the funeral arrangements, and even then, Lilly put on a brave face, only shedding a handful of tears as she talked to the funeral director.
She was carrying the weight of her own loss and everyone else’s on her own shoulders, trying her best to take the burden off of an entire family. I kept my mouth closed, but with every minute that ticked by, my worry for her continued to grow. If she kept up at the rate she was going
, there was no doubt in my mind that she would eventually have a meltdown.
I knew by the sadness and concern in Eliza’s eyes that she saw it too, and felt just as helpless as I did. “She’s going to lose it,” she whispered to me at one point yesterday.
“Yeah,” was all I could say in response.
“I’m afraid she’ll do it once I’m back in Denver, that I won’t be here to help her.”
My gaze traveled down to where her hand rested on the noticeable swell of her belly. “I know she’s your best friend, but you can’t take on too much stress,” I warned, tipping my chin at her baby bump. “Not with that little one cooking inside there.”
Eliza smiled and turned her attention from Lilly to me, and my head jerked back in shock at what she said next. “I don’t like you very much right now.” It wasn’t the words that threw me off as much as the tone of her voice. She sounded downright conversational as she told me she didn’t like me, not the slightest bit angry. Women — especially pregnant ones — needed to come with a goddamn manual. “I know what was going on with you two,” she admitted. “It took a hell of a lot of pushing, but I finally got her to tell me, and I think you’re a real asshole.”
“I am,” I replied, feeling the weight of that admission on my chest. I hated that I hurt Lilly, that I couldn’t be the man she deserved. And in the month since I’d ended it, I went to bed most nights wishing things could have been different.
Turning her body in my direction, giving me her full attention, the lightness in Eliza’s tone disappeared. “You hurt her, in a way I’ve never seen Lilly hurt before. And now, when she’s struggling with the most painful thing she’s ever dealt with, you’re standing right here. Why?”
“I…” Taken back by her question, I had to stop and think about my answer, and despite how pathetic it was, the only reply I could come up with was, “I couldn’t not be here. As soon as I found out, I just got in my truck and started driving.”
She nodded like she understood completely. “Well, I might not like you, but I appreciate you looking out for my best friend.”
“You’re welcome.”
Her voice dropped to a low whisper as she added, “But when this is over, you need to leave her alone.” At that, I stopped breathing. “You’ve already made it clear that the two of you aren’t going anywhere, so let her go. She’s been through enough. She survived you once, but with everything that’s happened…” She gave a small wave to encompass Elizabeth’s living room and all the people in it. “…don’t make her try and survive you a second time. Just… leave her alone.”
I knew she was right. I knew that the selfless thing to do would have been to keep my distance and let Lilly move on. There was only one problem.
I wasn’t sure that I could.
31
Quinn
The service hadn’t officially started yet, so I stood in the chapel as a few family members and close friends milled about, waiting for the doors to open. I kept my gaze firmly on Lilly as she stood at the front of the vestibule, her focus centered on the blown-up pictures of her father that sat on easels between multiple large sprays of flowers. She hadn’t moved for several minutes, hadn’t said more than a handful of words since waking up that morning.
I felt helpless, wanting nothing more than to take her pain away, but knowing it wasn’t my place. I’d given up that right when I ruined us.
“Sweetheart.” I turned my head at the sound of my mother’s voice and was surprised to see her walking up the aisle, hand-in-hand with Sophia.
“Mom? What are you two doing here?”
She stopped next to me and placed a kiss on my cheek at the same time Sophia wrapped her arms around my waist in a brief, but tight hug. “Soph wanted to come and make sure Ms. Lilly was all right. She wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
I ruffled my daughter’s hair, noticing for the first time that she was quiet, not her usual hyper self. She looked sad as her eyes traveled to where Lilly stood. “Angel, I’m not sure if now’s a really good time.”
Her sparkling blue eyes came back to me. “Please, Daddy. She’s prolly really sad right now. I can make her feel better. I promise I can.”
I opened my mouth to argue, even though my daughter’s determination warmed my heart, but Mom’s hand on my arm stopped me. “Just let her have a few minutes,” she said quietly. I nodded and we followed after Sophia, stopping a few feet back as she reached up and gave Lilly’s hand a small tug.
“Hi, Ms. Lilly.”
Lilly’s smile was forced, but she still bent and hugged her. “Well, hey there, Little Miss.”
My daughter spoke then. “I’m really sorry about your daddy.”
“Thank you. That means a lot to me.”
“You know that song you sang to me to chase away my bad dreams?” Lilly’s body went visibly stiff as she nodded, and the urge to get to her side and offer comfort shot threw me, but Mom linked her arm through mine and held me back. “Do you… do you think it would work to chase the sad away, too?” Sophia asked, and that one simple question slayed me, slicing to the very core.
Lilly’s voice was rough with emotion as she answered, “I don’t know, honey.”
“Well, Meemaw downloaded it for me so I could learn all the words. I’m really good at it now. Do you maybe want me to sing it to you to see if it helps?”
I heard a soft inhale of breath to my right and turned my head to see Lilly’s mom standing there, watching with tears streaming down her cheeks as Eliza held on to her.
I looked back just as Lilly crouched low, resting on her knees in front of Sophia. “I’d like that very much,” she whispered. Then Sophia’s little voice filled the room as she began to sing “Landslide.” Wet hit my eyes just as Lilly’s voice joined in on the second chorus. What I was witnessing was so beautiful, so raw. I’d never seen anything like it in my life.
When they finally finished the song, Lilly moved in and held my daughter in the tightest embrace. Sophia just stood there, returning the hug like she knew exactly what Lilly needed in that very moment. It was almost too much to witness. I had to turn away, and when I did, my gaze landed on Elizabeth once again.
Through her tears she smiled and mouthed thank you. And once again, I was cut to my core.
Lilly
I couldn’t see the purpose of funerals.
It wasn’t that I didn’t understand allowing people their chance to grieve the loss of someone they cared about, but if I had it my way, there would be a separate service for family, and another for friends, co-workers, and the like. That way they’d have a chance to say their final good-byes without the immediate family having to deal with countless people saying such banal things as ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ Yeah, not as sorry as I am. Or ‘Time heals all wounds.’ Well can you find me a fucking time machine so I can shoot myself to the point in time where the crushing weight in my chest doesn’t hurt so goddamned much? Then, my personal favorite, ‘He’s in a better place.’ I lost count of how many times I wanted to shout in someone’s face, asking, “Yeah? How the fuck would you know? You been there?”
Surprisingly enough, Quinn had stayed true to his word. He hadn’t left my side the entire day. I might have been walking around in a constant fog, but at least I had him and Eliza to guide my way for me.
“If I have to paste on a fake smile for one more person, I might just lose my mind,” I mumbled under my breath once there was a brief lull in the crowd. “My face actually hurts right now.” Trying to ease the ache, I opened my mouth wide and worked my jaw around.
“You want us to get you out of here?” Eliza asked, her arm looped through mine as we stood near the front pews of the church. “We can sneak you through the side so you don’t have to talk to anyone else. The service is over anyway.”
She was right, the only reason we were still hanging around was so everyone in the church could offer their condolences. Since my father requested to be cremated and to have his ashes scattered in the mountai
ns in a place he and my mother had already selected, there wouldn’t be a graveside service.
Technically, I could leave if I wanted to, and I really wanted to, but as I looked down the length of the pew where my mother stood, talking to the group of people milling about, I knew I needed to stay, if for no other reason than to be there for her.
“I can’t leave my mom,” I stated, as I plastered another smile on my face when one of my parents’ neighbors stepped up in front of me and took my hand.
“It’s a sad, sad day. But he’s in a better place.”
Fuck off! I screamed in my head as my mouth replied, “Thank you, Mr. Whitman.”
I’d been teetering on the edge of losing it the entire day, walking a fine rope that seemed to fray with every step I took, and Mr. Whitman’s words — despite the well-meaning behind them — threatened to push me over. There suddenly wasn’t enough air. I was suffocating, the walls beginning to close in around me, and no one appeared to notice. Well, almost no one.
“We’re going,” Quinn stated in a firm tone that left no room for argument.
“I can’t—” I began to protest, even as a cold sweat broke out on my forehead and my body started to tremble. My heart was beating so hard I was scared it would break through my ribs.
He cut me off. “Eliza can stay with your mother for a bit, make sure she’s okay, and explain to her where you’ve gone. You need fresh air. I’m taking you outside for a bit.”
I wanted to cry in relief at the idea of stepping outside the confining room. Feeling just seconds from fainting, I didn’t argue as Quinn took me by the elbow and led me from the sanctuary through a side door that led us out of the church completely. The typical frigid winter temperature of Wyoming came as a blessing, and once we got a yard or so away from the building, I bent in half, hands propped on my knees, and pulled the much needed air into my deflated lungs.
Welcome to Pembrooke: The Complete Pembrooke Series Page 60
