by Ann Rinaldi
February 10
THE HOUSE is all in order and the cooking and baking have begun. Opal has an army of people under her in the kitchen, including Mama and me. Heppi is nowhere to be seen. She is up in her room, dreaming of the great day. I chopped nuts all morning for one of Opal's cakes. Heppi dreamed of a gray horse last night, and Opal says that means an upcoming happy marriage.
February 11
THERE IS NO time to think of anything but the wedding. Josh's family arrived in Charleston and we all met in Beaufort. Daddy arranged it. We had supper at the hotel in their famous dining room. Josh's parents are nice, and he has a sister my age named Alice. They are all very proud of Josh. His father looks like a captain of industry, which he is. He owns many coal mines. Josh refused to go into the business and went into studying music instead. His brother, Jeff, is in business with their father. Rene was not there. The hotel had an orchestra and I danced with Jeff. He asked me about the Gullah people, and I explained to him how we are still under Reconstruction here in Beaufort. "We're different from the rest of the South," I told him. "Reconstruction here is still going on because most of the people who lived here before the war are gone. And the blacks own a lot of the land. And we have a lot of newcomers. There are a few old planters, like my father."
With the next dance he told me about the Amish in Pennsylvania, and I was fascinated. And a feeling came over me that there are so many different kinds of people in this world whom I shall never know. And they are interesting and good and I will never get to meet them. And I felt small and useless.
We came home this night and didn't stay at the hotel.
6
February 13
OPAL THINKS it awful of us that we are not having Heppi's wedding in church. She calls it a "praise house." She told me how her people were converted to Christianity after the war, by missionaries, although they kind of mix Gullah traditions and songs in with it.
She says she has the praise-making spirit. I explained to her how, while we are good Episcopalians now, our ancestors were Huguenots who came here in 1685 when Huguenots came from all parts of France, and we came because we were persecuted. And that's why we are free of spirit.
We had a rehearsal for the wedding and a grand supper. Heppi put up my hair so I will have proper curls tomorrow. While she was doing it, I asked her how it felt to be going away with a man on a wedding trip.
"I trust Josh and I love him and that's all that is needed," she said. "And it will serve you right to remember that when your time comes."
February 14
WELL, HEPPI GOT married. She is now Mrs. Denning. Oh, the wedding was so beautiful. Heppi and I had made an arch of paper flowers, red and white, under which she and Josh stood. She looked so lovely in her gown. I cried when she said the words. To think that you say a few words and your life is changed forever!
We ate a sumptuous wedding supper. Opal really outdid herself, bringing dish after dish to the table. And Mama made the same wedding cake that she and Daddy had had. Later we danced in the front parlor, which had been cleared of furniture. I danced with Rene, and he said I looked wonderful in my blue silk dress. Somehow I felt that I did when he said it.
Heppi and Josh are on their wedding trip to Savannah. I can't believe it. My sister isn't my sister anymore. She belongs to someone else now. Opal sprinkled dust at her when they left, for good luck. I hope it wasn't goofer dust, because that comes from the graveyard.
February 15
SOMETHING has happened. Something changed. I felt it when I came in from riding this morning. The slant of light itself was changed inside the house.
Then Mama told me that Rene was in the library with Daddy last night after the wedding. The door was closed a long time after Heppi and Josh left. I had gone to bed and thought nothing of it until today.
At lunch today, with one daughter scarce gone and still surrounded by the Chinese lanterns strung for the wedding, and all the other furbelows, Daddy told me that Rene has asked for my hand in marriage.
I could not speak. My jaw fell open. And yet I know, deep down, I had been expecting this. I knew something was about to happen. Still, it came as a shock.
Daddy smiled. "I think the spirit of the wedding seized him," he said.
Opal was standing over me, about to pour my coffee. "He be a good man," she said. "I have many a talk with that young man." Which was true. Rene had made friends of her. She had served him many a cup of coffee when they were alone in the kitchen.
"But I'm only fifteen," was the first thing that came to my mind.
"Your mother was fifteen when we wed," Daddy said.
Mama looked so happy, still beaming from the spirit of the wedding, that I hated to ruin it for her. "Mama?" I said.
She smiled at me. "Follow your heart, Rose," she told me. "Just don't let fear into it. There's nothing to be afraid of."
"But where would we live?"
And there was the trick. They both said Brooklyn. I asked, "Where is this Brooklyn?" And they told me it is in New York. So far away! Why, it would mean leaving here, leaving Mama and Daddy and little Benjamin. He'd grow up without me.
Then Mama said, "You like Rene, don't you, Rose? I've seen how you look at him."
"Yes," I answered lamely, "but not as a husband. I mean, I'm not in love with him."
"That will come later," Mama answered, "like it did with your father and me. He was sixteen years older than me. And we made a good marriage."
I could not believe we were discussing this so calmly. But we were.
I felt a roaring in my ears. I didn't love Rene. Did he love me? I know girls marry for reasons other than love. But I always said I wouldn't do that.
"I think I want to go back to my riding," I said. And that's exactly what I did. I went to the stable, to where there were animals and people and things that I know and can trust. I had Jimmy saddle Tom Jones again, and we went out to the sand dunes, riding. Then I took him down to the water's edge and talked to him. "Brooklyn," I told him. "Can you imagine? I've heard of Brooklyn. They have a place called Coney Island that is absolutely exciting! But I won't go. And you know what, Tom? If I have to go, I'm taking you with me. I won't leave you. Not ever."
Back at the house, I lay on my bed and I cried. Because somehow I had the feeling that time had ahold of me by the back of my neck, like our cats hold their kittens, and was shaking me and wouldn't let me go.
I thought of Rene, of the nice things about him. He was refined. A real gentleman. He'd always been gentle and respectful to me. And I thought of his blue eyes.
That afternoon the buggy from the local florist came by with a bouquet of roses. I looked out the window and saw the man carry them in. Too late for the wedding, I thought. And then Mama called up the stairs. "Rose, Rose, come down. Someone just delivered flowers for you."
They were from Rene. The card read, "From an admirer, Rene."
He is coming tonight, and I sit here writing. Oh, what time is it? I must fix my hair and get dressed. I must look right. I wish Heppi were here to help me.
7
February 16
DADDY HAS FIFTEEN acres all in March corn. And today he is out riding around to see to his fencing with one of the hands. Mama is paying calls. And I? I did not sleep all night. I have a strange sort of headache. Mama has given me some laudanum, and I am supposed to be resting, but I am writing instead.
Last evening Rene asked me to marry him. We had supper and nothing was said. Indeed, conversation seemed to be only between Daddy and Rene. It was about the production of cotton. "Isn't it funny," Rene said, "that I deal in silk and you deal in cotton?"
Then, sensing that Mama and I were left out, he started to tell us about New York and the places you could go. He told us about the Keith Hippodrome, soon to open, where he hoped to see Harry Houdini, and Hammerstein's Roof Garden. "I've been to most places," he told us, "but the place I've never been is to the salt marshes and sand dunes at the end of our trolley line. I've always wanted to take a pi
cnic lunch there with someone."
After supper Mama and Daddy left us alone in the parlor.
"You know, I've asked your father for your hand," he said to me.
I said yes, I knew.
"I know I'm twice your age, Rose. But a lot of marriages are like that. I know in many ways you are still a child, yet in so many others you are an enchanting young lady. If you marry me, I promise to honor both those qualities in you."
I didn't want to look into his blue eyes. For I knew I would be lost if I did.
"I know you don't love me. I don't expect you to in the beginning. I hope to earn that love. I know I must."
I said nothing.
"But I love you. You should know that. I want to give you time, of course. I know you need more time."
He had thrown me a lifeline! "Yes, please, give me some time to think on it. It's all so new to me."
He had taken my hand and now he re-leased it and tucked my hair on the left side behind my ear. "I fell in love with you the first time I saw you, Rose."
He was breaking my heart, the way he spoke, surely. I smiled at him. Is it possible to be so attracted to a man and not love him? Is that what love is? Attraction? No, I think it goes deeper than that, but how, I don't know yet.
He smiled at me, and something inside me fell. And then he sat down to play the piano, and my mother and father came into the room. He played Chopin and some popular songs.
How is one supposed to know? Oh, I wish Heppi were here. She would tell me.
February 19
BACK IN SCHOOL. I couldn't concentrate today and I felt Amelia's eyes on me constantly, as if she knew something. And as it turned out, she does.
Oh, now I am more confused. Now I really need advice.
At lunchtime Amelia took me aside, grinning snidely. "Did he ask you yet?" she prodded.
Oh, this girl! Is there anything she doesn't know? Do her parents let her hear everything? And how did they know Rene asked for my hand?
"Yes," I breathed miserably.
"And what are you going to do?"
"Say no."
"No? You can't say no. Haven't your parents told you anything?"
More here than meets the eyes. I asked her what she meant. And she told me. Oh, how I wish she hadn't told me.
"Your father's financial affairs are in a terrible state. That's what my father says. Rene has money, lots of it, and he wants to help. So he now holds the mortgage on your father's whole plantation."
Well, I didn't know whether to spit in her face or hug her for letting me in on things. But the world swam in front of my eyes. So that is why Daddy and Mama want me to marry him. Because he owns them, lock, stock, and barrel.
Right then and there I threw up in the corner of the school yard. I must say, Amelia played the part of a good friend. She held my forehead as I leaned over, she gave me her good handkerchief to wipe my mouth, and she advised me. For once I was glad of her sharpness and her daring.
"What are you going to do?" she asked again.
"I don't know."
"Well, let me tell you one thing. Don't let all this business talk interfere with your decision. He's a good catch. And if you love him in the least little bit, you should say yes. But if you do—and this is important—if you do, don't let him know you know he holds all your father's financial interests. And don't let your father know you know, either. If you can't do that, you should say no to him."
She is right, of course. Oh, why can't I think like her? She was nodding her head at me. "Just say yes, if you want, and go along for the ride," she said. "If you think you can love him. Don't let this men's nonsense ruin things for you. My father sees this kind of nonsense all the time. Men always sort it out, and we women shouldn't be concerned."
Oh, if only I could be as hard as she is. But every time I think of Rene, now, I think of him owning my daddy. How could I love him with anything like that in mind?
We walked back to the school door. Amelia held my arm. "Think of it this way," she said, "maybe it's a good thing he owns your daddy's interests rather than somebody else who could decide at any minute to foreclose on the mortgage and leave you all with nothing. Did you ever think of that?"
No, I hadn't. But, then, what about this? If I say no, will Rene foreclose on the mortgage? Is that why Mama and Daddy want me to marry him? Oh, I can't bear the thought of it. Am I just a bargaining chip, then, in their lives?
Rene has asked me to make up my mind within the month. He must return to New York soon, he says. Oh, I wish I had never been born!
***
AT SUPPER neither Mama nor Daddy spoke of the matter at all. All Daddy spoke of is that President McKinley has announced that he is going to run again. And that this Saturday he and Rene are finally going to take their hunting trip. I blushed at the sound of Rene's name and hoped they didn't see it. It is difficult being the only one at the supper table with them. If Heppi were here she would at least make conversation.
February 24
OH, THE MOST horrible thing has happened this day. Daddy and Rene almost drowned! They were going, by sailboat, to Rose Island on Broad River when a squall came up of a sudden. They were between Archers Creek and Rose Island. Before they could get down the foremast, the boat went bottom up and the two of them, along with two Negro helpers, were in the water. It was the most terrible storm, and they fought and fought to get the boat righted. It turned over twenty times on them, Daddy said, and when they had just about given up hope, it righted itself and Monday, who works for Daddy, got in and bailed out the water with his hat. When the storm abated, the others got in, cold and near drowned.
They had to paddle for two hours against wind and tide before reaching shore. At home here, with the onset of the storm, Mama was in a state of pure anxiety, I can put down here, thinking something like this had happened. Opal and I tried to becalm her, but she would have none of it and kept watching at the window, peering through the terrible gusting wind and lightning toward the dock at the end of our property.
When finally she saw their little boat approaching, she near exploded. I just about got a coat around her shoulders when she ran out to greet them, with blankets in hand. I took up another blanket and ran out, too, for I thought that I had lost Rene and my father both. What would we do? I agonized. Would the bank foreclose on our house? What would Mama and little Benjamin and I do?
It was in those terrible moments of watching at the front windows that I knew that I did not want to lose Rene. If he had been lost, something would have gone out of my life. Some chance, some challenge that had been given to me to help Mama and Daddy and little Benjamin. And I am, after all, fifteen years old. I am a woman. A child no longer. Rene has seen that in me. Why can't I see it in myself?
I will marry him. He has brought something into my life in the short time I've known him. Being on the same level as him and treated as an equal by him has done much for me. I like it.
I ran to him, on the dock, and he opened his arms to me and I allowed him, wet as he was, to hold me. I put the blanket around him, and all four of us walked back to the house.
Daddy says that without Rene they surely would have perished. "He knew what to do every minute of the time. He was fearless," Daddy said. "He took charge. He personally hauled me out of the water and into the boat. I couldn't make it on my own."
I owe Rene a great debt. He saved Daddy. But that isn't why I shall marry him. This incident has made me see another side to him that I hadn't seen before. And I like it.
8
February 25
THIS MORNING, with the harsh light of sun, I have doubts again. What makes us love somebody? Guilt? Necessity? Is there a love that is just pure love for the sake of one's heart? Mama says I should not dwell on such questions, they are too large for a girl my age. We talked quietly at breakfast while Daddy and Rene slept. For Rene, of course, stayed over the night, coddled and cosseted by Mama as if he were her own.
We are all terribly shaken by wha
t happened. Daddy personally gave thanks to God for saving him and Rene from a watery grave. And when they slept in this morning, it gave me a chance to think.
"If I wed Rene, suppose he is mean to me?" I asked Mama. She said we all take that chance, that nothing is guaranteed. "But what if I never come back here again?" I asked.
She said I should come back for the birth of my first child. For the birth of every child, and then in between. I blushed, thinking of children.
I then asked, "Do you think he's right for me?
And Mama smiled. "He is definitely not wrong," she said. "And even if the answer lies somewhere in between, you will do well."
"I think I shall wed him," I told Mama calmly.
And she smiled back and said, "Good."
***
MAMA HAS the answer to all my questions, but her answers don't mean anything. I am thinking that is what love is. Always having questions but never having the answer, and just keeping on trying to get it.
***
RENE WAS the first up. He came downstairs, crisply attired in the whitest of shirts, his face freshly shaven, smelling of rose water and soap. Opal agreed to stay out of the kitchen so I could make him breakfast. The dining room table was set with a lace cloth and our good crystal and chinaware and candles.
As I set down his cup of coffee and lit the candles, he asked, "What's all this for?"
"In celebration of life," I told him.
He looked across the table at me and I at him. Then he held out his hand and I went around to him and took it.
"You've made your decision," he said.
I said yes, I had, and I was going to marry him.
"I had to nearly drown in order to get you to say yes," he teased. Then, without rising, he took me in his arms and I leaned down to kiss him. In the background I heard noises from the house, Opal and Mama talking, Benjamin chatting away somewhere, but I paid mind to none of it. It was as if the world had gone away. My first kiss. And he was so gentle it was like the touch of a butterfly's wing. I felt stirrings inside me that I had never felt before.
