by Alison Ryan
But now she was gone. He couldn’t get her back this time.
Being with her, loving her again, just reminded him how beautiful it had all really been. Over the years he’d tried his best to diminish what they’d had together. He’d tell himself it wasn’t as intense and amazing as he remembered, that his memory was playing a trick on him. No one could exist as perfect as her.
But now he knew- it had been just as passionate and fiery as he’d recollected. Which made tonight’s ending that much harder for him to take.
Declan had never been one to have suicidal thoughts. But now he understood what true anguish felt like, and why people couldn’t live with it. There was nothing he wouldn’t have done to make this different.
But just as Charlotte wished she’d never met him, in a way he wished the same. Because, at least then, he would never know what he’d missed. He’d never have to know this kind of pain, the pain that went straight to the marrow of his bones. The kind of pain that touched every piece of his shattered heart.
********
Charlotte had struggled to walk back to her house. Her sobs and wails pierced the sky. She looked up to see a blanket of stars, and how she wished she could be among them and away from this place of constant hurt.
For just a moment, she’d made herself believe everything could be okay. His touch was just as she remembered. It brought her to her knees. His love was like nothing she’d ever experienced. She had a hard time believing anyone in the world had ever felt the kind of intense sexual chemistry she and Declan shared. His body made her feel like she was home again. She’d cried while he made love to her because she’d forgotten how much she needed it at one time, and how unbearable it had been all these years without it.
She was ruined for anyone else. And she almost hated him for that.
As she stumbled through the front door and finally made it to her bedroom, she collapsed on the bed, finally free to let out the emotion she’d been struggling to hold in on the walk back. Her wails had turned to screams now, screams of anger at the universe for cursing them in this way. Hadn’t God taken enough from her? Hadn’t she fought for happiness and peace enough? Yet she could never find it, not here, not in Nashville.
Even now, she still loved him. She wasn’t sure she knew him, but what she knew she loved with such a force that was outside of her own will. If it had been anything else, she could have taken it. But this secret… Now she understood. It hadn’t ever been about her. It had been about protecting someone else, even if he tried to use her as a scapegoat. He’d been protecting the DeGraff name. It came before everything, even justice.
How could she ever get beyond that?
Six Weeks Earlier…
Charlotte had been treating Melanie Hopp for all eight months of her pregnancy. Melanie was a young, soon-to-be first time mother- newly married when she found out she was pregnant. She had resisted finding out the sex of the baby at her 20-week anatomy scan, but Melanie Hopp couldn’t wait any longer. Now that she was 33 weeks, she was tired of waiting on the surprise. She had to know. When Charlotte had informed her the baby was a boy, Melanie had about jumped out of her skin with joy.
“Oh that makes me so happy!” Melanie drawled. Melanie was from the country, out near Franklin, and Charlotte found her to be completely charming. She was one of her favorite patients.
“You really wanted a boy?” Charlotte said, smiling.
“Yes! Well… I would have been happy with just a healthy baby. But my husband really had his heart set on a son. He didn’t say it, just a feeling I get. And now I get to tell him I’m giving him one!”
Charlotte nodded, “When will you get to talk to him?”
Melanie’s husband, Jason, was in the army and on deployment in the Middle East. He’d had to leave soon after Melanie found out she was pregnant and, unfortunately, he probably wouldn’t be back in time for the birth.
Yet Melanie never seemed to let that get her down. She was a cheerful soul, always one to look on the bright side of things. Charlotte couldn’t help but be in a good mood after her appointments with her. Melanie had a special kind of contagious energy that injected joy into everyone she spoke to.
“We’re going to Skype tonight!” Melanie squealed. “Naked Skyping. Sorry, you probably didn’t need to know that. But I like to keep it spicy. Remind him of what’s waiting for him back home, you know?”
Charlotte laughed, “Naked Skyping. That’s a new one.”
“Yeah, all us military wives do the naked Skyping. Skype Sex! Oh my goodness I’m sorry. I’m just so happy, it’s making me say embarrassing things!” Melanie giggled. “But I guess being that you’re an OB you have probably heard a couple things about sex.”
“Just a couple,” Charlotte winked at her. “You really love each other. It’s a beautiful thing.”
“Yep,” Melanie said, her voice going soft for a moment. “Sometimes I wonder if I love him too much. Like, I love him so much I can barely breathe. I want to burst out of my own self half the time. I keep waiting for something bad to happen to me, because how is something like this kind of love possible? You know?”
Charlotte did know. Hearing Melanie say it out loud suddenly made her think of Declan, something she tried to avoid at all costs. But the only reason she understood what Melanie meant was because of her short time with him.
“I actually do know,” Charlotte admitted. “But Melanie, that’s not how the world works. It’s not always checks and balances. Incredible happiness does not need to be balanced out by sorrow. You should enjoy this time and enjoy what you have. Not everyone gets it. You’re very lucky.” Charlotte smiled. “And this baby boy is very lucky to be brought into a world where he will be loved so much.”
Melanie had tears in her eyes now and suddenly her arms were around Charlotte’s shoulders, pulling her in for an embrace.
Charlotte was usually coldly professional with her patients, so at first such demonstrative affection caught her off guard. But finally, she decided to just let it happen. Maybe it was time she did that more, after all.
Maybe it was time to start letting the world back in.
********
Charlotte met with her sister Vanessa later in the evening for drinks and conversation. Lately Charlotte had been so consumed with her practice and with work that the sisters hadn’t been able to spend much time together.
“So what’s new, sis?” Vanessa asked as Charlotte scooted into the booth at Piedmont Grill, their favorite hangout. “Long time, no see. You should call Dad, by the way. I am so tired of fielding his questions about you. I feel like the Sanders PR rep between you too.”
Charlotte sighed, “Phones work both ways. He can call me too.”
“He does. You don’t answer,” Vanessa said, taking a bite out of one of the complimentary tortilla chips. “And you barely answer when I call. We get that you’re doing well and you’re passionate about your work. But we miss you, Char. The last few years you’ve been so distant.”
“Years?” Charlotte replied. “Well, then maybe it’s just my personality. I’m not… Super communicative. I’m sorry about that. I’ll try my best to be better. And maybe in a few years I can settle down a bit, and work less. But right now I’m building my- “
“Yeah, yeah, I know. You’re building your brand, your business, your empire, your whatever,” Vanessa interjected. “But you don’t have to forget the people who love you while you do it. No one is so busy they can’t make a phone call once or twice a week.” Vanessa looked down at her lap. “We’re all we have, Charlotte. And sometimes I really miss you. I respect the hell out of you. But I kind of feel like you pour yourself into work to avoid things maybe you could be working on.”
“Such as?” Charlotte sat back and crossed her arms. “Please. Do tell me what I need to be working on.”
“Don’t take it like that,” Vanessa said. “It’s just, you’re beautiful and smart. And you have so much going for you, but you also have zero personal life. No
boyfriend, no friends, no hobbies. I just don’t want you to wake up one day and regret not developing that part of your life.”
Charlotte shook her head, “Vanessa, you always pride yourself on being such a feminist. And now you’re telling me I need a man to be happy.”
“That’s not what I’m telling you!” Vanessa said. “I wouldn’t care if it was a man, a woman, a fucking dog. But you need companionship, we all do. We need something outside of what we do for a living.”
Charlotte shrugged, “I really don’t. I’m happy with this life. I can definitely make more time for you and dad, but this is my dream I’m living. I don’t have to depend on anyone for anything.”
“Why is it so terrible to depend on people?” Vanessa asked. “Your patients depend on you. I depend on you. We all get a lot out of that. Why can’t you let someone in, Charlotte? What are you so afraid of?”
Charlotte didn’t say anything for a moment. There was so much she could say to that question. They didn’t have enough time for the list of the things she was afraid of. But it all boiled down to one word. One name.
Declan. She was afraid of that happening again.
But she wouldn’t burden Vanessa with that, and besides, her phone was buzzing.
“Hang on,” Charlotte said. “I have to answer this. It’s the office.”
Vanessa rolled her eyes, “Fine.”
Charlotte had never been so grateful for an interruption. She thumbed over the green answer button on her iPhone and held it to her ear.
“This is Dr. Sanders,” she said into the phone.
The voice on the other end had very bad news. Charlotte’s face turned pale.
“I’ll be right there,” she said. “I’m on my way now.”
********
Melanie Hopp had been in a car accident.
She was on her way home from her appointment with Charlotte when it happened. She’d started to move her car forward at a green light when another car came barreling down the street, running the red light. They’d t-boned Melanie’s car and then kept going. Hit and run.
It was a story all too familiar to Charlotte.
But she couldn’t think about her mother now. What mattered was making sure Melanie and the baby were okay. Melanie had been airlifted to the hospital where Charlotte worked, and she was being prepped for emergency surgery.
As Charlotte ran through the halls of Nashville Memorial Hospital, she was met by one of her colleagues from medical school, Dr. Erin Whitmer. They’d graduated together and had remained close. They’d yet to be in this kind of situation together.
“Is she stable?” Charlotte asked as she scrubbed in. “The baby?”
“Baby’s heart is still beating but we don’t know what damage has been done,” Dr. Whitmer said, as she scrubbed next to Charlotte. “She has extensive abdominal trauma. We won’t know the full extent until we get in.” Dr. Whitmer looked down at her hands. “It’s not looking good.”
Charlotte tried not to convey any emotion at this news. She was a doctor and this was part of the deal. Life and death were always on the line. She’d been trained to deal with these things. She’d lost patients, she’d had to tell mothers their babies had died, she’d had to ruin people’s lives with the news she gave them. It wasn’t her favorite part of the job, but it was a necessary part.
But Melanie Hopp was different. And this situation was too similar to her past. Charlotte looked at this as a way to make things right.
She would not let Melanie and her baby die.
When she and Dr. Whitmer got to the OR, it was already a hectic scene. Melanie’s heart had stopped beating. One of the paramedics was still on top of her with the defibrillator, trying his best to get her heart pumping again.
“She’s coding!” he said, stopping defibrillation. He was doing chest compressions now. “We need to get her prepped.”
Charlotte knew what that meant. It was time for her to deliver the baby. In case Melanie wasn’t going to make it.
Everything was moving in slow motion. She was trying her best to keep her head clear, to remember what needed to be done and not think about who she was cutting into. They were fortunate- the baby was 33-34 weeks gestated, so if they could deliver him, chances were good he would make it. But they had no idea how much oxygen he’d lost or for how long.
It was a scary time. Charlotte had to keep it together.
She went through the motions, concentrating on the task as chaos happened around her. It was becoming much clearer that Melanie was probably not going to make it. Charlotte had to be quick to save her baby. If there was anything she could do to make this have some sort of silver lining, it was really up to her to make it happen.
Fortunately, the trauma to Melanie had not impacted her uterus, and when Charlotte pulled the tiny baby boy out of Melanie’s dying body, the OR was suddenly filled with the sound of his high-pitched screams as cold oxygen hit his body for the first time. It was the best of signs, it meant he had probably not been without oxygen long enough for any damage to have been done, but being that he was still premature, he needed to get to the NICU, stat.
As much as Charlotte wanted to stay and be with Melanie, it was her job to take care of the one thing Melanie loved more than anything in the world.
It was time to save the only one that could be saved.
********
Melanie Hopp had lived long enough for her child to be rescued, but she passed away soon after the emergency C-section. She never got to hold her baby, or kiss him goodbye. Her tiny child would never have a single memory of the mother who had been so excited to be his.
Charlotte stayed overnight with him. His lungs were still underdeveloped and he was on a ventilator for now, but all signs pointed to him being okay. It was a miracle, and the staff at the hospital were giving Charlotte a lot of accolades for saving him.
But she’d never been so miserable. She’d laid in the bathroom and cried for almost 20 minutes, thinking about the injustice of what had happened today.
It made her question the point of life, when all it seemed to bring was painful moment after painful moment. Why did anyone even have children? Knowing the risks and knowing that life could be flimsy and unsteady, why did people do this to themselves? Having a child meant being scared forever. It meant possibly leaving them behind, even when you weren’t ready.
After the day Melanie died, Charlotte couldn’t put her heart into her work. She’d show up at the office late, she’d leave early. All she wanted to do was go back in time and save Melanie. Save her mother. Save herself.
Charlotte was on the very edge of a mental break. And she knew that wasn’t a safe place for a doctor to be. People depended on her to keep it together and be in the right frame of mind to make the hardest decisions.
But Charlotte couldn’t do it anymore. After years of being strong, she had nothing left. Not after seeing it happen again. A life lost for no good reason at all. And justice would never be served, more than likely. Just like it would never be served for her mother.
Charlotte decided she needed a sabbatical. She needed to get away from Nashville and return to her other home.
And that is how Charlotte Sanders ended up back in Charleston.
Chapter Fifteen
Declan had told his father’s nurse that he’d be coming by in the morning to check on him.
“He isn’t doing well,” the woman warned him over the phone. “He’s in a great deal of pain. It’s important you spend as much time with him as you can.”
“Does he ask for me?” Declan said, running his hands through his hair.
“He doesn’t need to,” the nurse said flatly. “You’re all he has.”
Declan sighed. She was right.
“I’m on my way,” Declan said. “Just make him as comfortable as you can.”
As Declan walked outside into a perfect Charleston day, he glanced over at Charlotte’s house. Her car was still in the driveway.
She hasn’t left yet
, he thought. Is it ridiculous to hope she’ll stay?
He shook away the thought. There was probably no way in hell he’d ever see or speak to her again. Not after what she knew. Before she’d run away, he’d wanted to tell her he knew he’d made the wrong decision. That it had eaten him alive ever since, that he’d never been able to find any sort of contentment with the secrets he held. If he could go back in time, he’d do it all different. Especially, since despite keeping his mother’s secrets, she’d still taken her own life anyway.
He couldn’t think about that right now. It was time to focus on what was at hand. His father.
It was the one relationship he had left. He couldn’t let that one fall apart, too. Not when there was so much still yet to be said.
********
“Where the hell have you been?”
Henry DeGraff sat propped up in a hospital bed that had been set up in the DeGraff living room. Henry couldn’t climb stairs anymore, so it made it easier for him to be on the first floor, where everything was more easily accessible.
“Well, good morning to you too, Dad,” Declan said as he sat down in the silk upholstered chair next to his father.
Henry DeGraff’s appearance was alarming. He’d once been a man with a large presence. He was well over six feet tall with a broad chest and shoulders. He’d been incredibly handsome his entire life, a man who could charm women and intimidate men. But now he was a mere shell of his former, robust self. Henry was shriveled up and pruned. His legs were thin, his shoulders bony. His skin was papery thin and pale. He’d lost 50 pounds in the past 4 months.
Declan found it hard to look at him. It broke his heart.
“I thought you’d be around more,” Henry sniffed. “I’m dying here and you’re still partying away. Probably drinking and fucking and- “
“Jesus,” Declan interrupted. “Can you stop? I’m here now. I’m not going anywhere. Just… Don’t.”
