I lifted the picture over my head, ready to smash it on the floor. Break it! Just break it and get it over with! Do you really want her to haunt you for the rest of your life? She’s bound to leave once Kent comes for her. I stood still for the longest time. I couldn’t move. I wanted to break it. I wanted to let go of her and be free. But how free could I possibly be when she lived here? Memories of her penetrated every room in the house.
Despite my best effort, I gently placed the picture in the top drawer of my dresser and started to cry. It didn’t help that I could hear her crying in the next room. Why did we have to be miserable tonight? I should go in there and hold her. I wanted to make love to her. But she might not belong to me. What if she decided to go back to Kent? I could hardly breathe now. She’d completely destroy me if I enjoyed physical intimacy with her and she ran off with Kent.
I threw on a sweater before I headed down the stairs. I picked my coat off the floor, grabbed my gloves and hat and raced to the barn. I had everything on by the time I got to the horses. I quickly set the saddle on Lightning, since I knew he ran the fastest, and hopped up on him. The other two horses barely moved as I urged the horse forward. They were probably glad I didn’t pick either of them. They knew when I was angry.
I rode him through every acre of land I owned. Even out in the fields I loved so much, I couldn’t escape her. I recalled the day when she went for a walk out here and fell asleep. I was scared that something bad happened to her, and now I was scared she was going to walk out of my life. A wave of intense sorrow mingled with a wave of rage. I loved her and hated her at the same time. I remember asking her why she wasn’t mad at Kent when he announced his engagement to Rebecca. I couldn’t understand why she could still love him even when he was part of the reason for her heartache. Now I knew. She was mad at him while she loved him. It seemed like a cruel paradox. But the hardest lesson I had to face was the knowledge I brought all of this on myself when I agreed to take her with me. I knew it was wrong but I wanted her so badly I didn’t care. In the end, I had to admit I was to blame for the way things turned out. And I’d pay for that decision for the rest of my life.
I wished I could go back and do it all over again. This time, I wouldn’t even tell her I was going to leave Virginia. I would simply wait until the day after graduation and slip out of sight. She wouldn’t have missed me. I would’ve missed her, but at least she never would have gotten as close as she did. What was I going to do?
I knew the answer. I’d have to let her go if she wanted to go.
I slowed the horse to a trot and headed back to the barn. I noticed two coyotes sniffing around in the fields. I sighed as I rode the horse into the barn and shut the door. I took the rifle from the shelf above the stack of piled firewood in case the coyotes had followed me, but they didn’t.
I entered the kitchen and set the gun next to the back door. I hung my coat and set the gloves and hat near it. I slowly took off my shoes and sighed as I walked up the stairs.
I picked up some firewood from the guest bedroom and started the fire in the box stove in my room. I could hear Ann crying. Was it possible that she did love me? I recalled how affectionate she had been before Agnes arrived. She seemed to genuinely care for me. She shared everything with Agnes, and Agnes told me she loved me. I shook my head. I didn’t know what to do or what to think.
Should I go to her? Ask her what she wanted to do about Kent? She said she didn’t plan to go with him when he came, but would she be able to resist him? I couldn’t resist her.
My steps were silent as I made my way to her bedroom. My hands pressed firmly on the cool, closed door. Did she want me to come back? I hesitated to knock on it. What if she was crying because she wanted to leave me and felt obligated to stay? That would be worse than if she left with him. I didn’t want to take second place in her life anymore. I wanted to be her first choice. I pressed my forehead against the door in defeat. The only way I would know what she wanted was after she saw Kent. I would have to wait and see what happened.
Please choose me, Ann. I need you.
My shoulders slumped in defeat, I slowly walked to my room, which seemed as empty and miserable as ever. I quietly sat on my bed with my head in my hands and listened to her as she cried through the night.
Chapter Seventeen
Ann’s Point of View
The next morning arrived, and I was exhausted. I didn’t want to get out of bed, but I knew if I didn’t, then I wouldn’t be able to go to town. I desperately wanted to go to the Coley’s store and help them today, even though I didn’t usually come in on Wednesdays. I needed to take my mind off the previous night’s events. I put on my well-worn but comfortable light blue dress and brushed my hair back into a braid. I glanced at my bed and sighed. Nothing went as planned last night. Agnes was gone and Todd suddenly felt like a stranger to me. I left my bedroom and went to the kitchen.
To my surprise, Todd was drinking a cup of coffee at the table. He looked worse than I did.
“Would you like something to eat?” I asked.
I braced myself for whatever he might say, but nothing prepared me for the sad look in his eyes.
“I owe you an apology,” he softly stated.
I stared at him, unsure of how to respond.
He stood up and set his cup in the sink. “I had no right to be harsh with you. I married you knowing the situation between you and Kent. I hoped that you would learn to love me.” He shook his head. “I brought this on myself.”
“Todd, I do love you.”
He came over to me and gently placed his hands on my arms. The simple action shocked me. I dared to look at him. He really loved me. He didn’t need to say it. I could tell by the way he looked at me.
“You must understand why I didn’t consummate our marriage last night,” he began. “You may not belong to me. I don’t know what you’ll want when Kent comes to see you. Maybe you’ll discover that the love you have for me is not enough. I only want you to stay with me if that is what you want. Please, don’t stay with me because you feel obligated to. Since we haven’t been intimate, we can annul our marriage.”
“I don’t want that.” I knew he was trying to do what was best for me, but his words were breaking my heart. “I want to be here.”
“Until you see Kent, how can you or I know for sure? After all, you did love him when you married me.”
I couldn’t look at him anymore. I wanted to kiss him and assure him that I would stay with him, but would he believe me?
“I have to go into town today to order some seeds for next spring. Would you like to come with me? You could help out the Coley’s or do whatever it is women do in town.”
“So you’re not mad about my working there?”
“Of course not. I don’t know why you wanted to keep it a secret.”
“I was afraid you would be upset. I didn’t want you to give up on farming because we were having financial problems.”
He gave me a light kiss. “You have no idea how wonderful you are.” He cleared his throat and retrieved his hat and coat. “You should eat. I won’t leave until I feed the horses.”
“Yes, I suppose I should. Are you going to eat anything?”
“I ate early this morning. I will be back soon. I want to make sure the wagon is ready.”
I nodded as he went out the back door. I decided on scrambled eggs because it was quick and easy. I felt much better now that we had worked things out, at least as much as we could at this point.
When he had the horses hooked up to the wagon, I came out to join him. I carried the blankets.
“You should let me bring those out,” he said. He ran over and took them from me.
“I thought I would help this time.”
“Don’t do too much to help. I like taking care of you.”
I nodded and let him help me get into the wagon. I wrapped two blankets around my shoulders. There was a light blanket of snow on the ground, so our trip into town would still be smooth.
“I usually go to town with Barbara,” I told him. “It’s nice to be going with you for a change.”
He clicked the reins so the horses moved forward.
“Do you think Agnes will be in trouble when she gets home?” I asked.
“I’m sure she will be fine. Besides, it’s not her that my father’s really mad at.”
We rode in silence the rest of the way. The clouds were gathering. I wondered if we were due for more snow. Our path was straight and level, so the ride was easy. I looked forward to Christmas when my parents could see the landscape. It was so different from Virginia.
By the time we reached town, I was sitting so close to Todd that our shoulders touched. I had moved by him for additional comfort but found the closeness exciting as well. I hoped we would soon get a chance to continue what we began the night before but worried how Kent’s impending arrival would affect the situation. I was beginning to dread his arrival. Up to that point, I hadn’t considered the reality of it. For the first time, I wished that he was still with Rebecca. Then Todd and I would be enjoying each other as a married couple should be.
I nudged Todd gently in the side as he stopped in front of the mercantile. “There’s Barbara at her mother’s. I didn’t realize she was coming in today.”
He urged the horses to trot over to Barbara’s carryall.
“How are you this morning?” Barbara greeted when she saw us.
“Good.” I smiled, glad to see her.
“I need to get going but I’ll come by the store to pick you up around noon,” Todd told me. After he helped me down from the wagon, he said, “I hope you two have a pleasant visit.” He tipped his hat to Barbara. “It’s good to see you.”
Once he left, she took my hand in hers. “Something is wrong.”
“Is your mother ill?” I asked, suddenly alarmed by her concern.
“No. She is fine. She’s playing with the children. I am on my way to the mercantile to pick up some items for her. You are troubled. I can see it.”
“You can?”
“There is something about your expression that doesn’t seem right.”
“You’re right. Is there a place we can talk in private?” I didn’t wish to stand out in the cold.
She nodded and led me into her mother’s house in the kitchen. “My mother’s entertaining the children in the parlor. What is it, Ann?”
I didn’t know where to begin. I did not wish to upset Todd by revealing too much of our personal information so I tried to stick to the main points. “When Todd and I left Virginia, I was being courted by another man. His name was Kent Ashton. He decided he should court another lady instead of me, so when Todd told me he was heading out West, I insisted that he marry me and take me with him. I knew Todd loved me so I figured he wouldn’t deny my request, and I was right. It was probably selfish of me. But we married and came out here. We are husband and wife in name only, though I thought that was going to change last night. Last night Todd’s parents came by and demanded that Agnes go back to Virginia. Before they left, his father informed him that Kent was coming here for me.”
She took a moment to absorb everything I had told her. Finally, she asked, “What will you do?”
“I love Todd. I won’t leave him.”
She squeezed my hand. “Then stay firm when you see Kent. Todd does love you. I can see it when he looks at you.”
I nodded. “He’s a good husband.”
“Yes, he is. Will you come with me to the mercantile?”
“I was planning to go there,” I replied.
As we walked to the store, our talk ranged from her future child to our plans for Christmas. “My mother and cousins and their families will be coming out to my house this year. Will you and Todd join us as well? I figured since you and Todd are far from Virginia, it would be nice to be around your friends.”
“Oh, my parents are coming.”
“They are invited too. Of course, if you’d rather have your own get together, that is fine. I just wanted to make sure you know you are welcome to our place.”
“I’ll ask Todd and see what he thinks.”
She nodded.
We entered the mercantile. I was relieved to be back in a warm place. The walk from Barbara’s mother’s house seemed long in the cold weather.
“Good morning, Ann and Barbara,” Mrs. Coley greeted warmly. “What brings you into town today?”
“I came for a few food items for my mother,” Barbara replied. “She sprained her ankle and the doctor ordered her to stay off of it for the next month.”
I removed my bonnet. “I hope you will let me help you today. I came in with Todd and he won’t be leaving for three hours.”
She smiled. “I can always use your help.”
I went to the back of the store to work on the bookkeeping while Mrs. Coley helped Barbara gather some food. The smells and sounds of the store took my mind off of Kent and Todd. I enjoyed being here. It had become a second home to me. After some time, Mrs. Coley stuck her head in the doorway of the backroom.
I glanced up from the desk, startled. “Did Barbara leave?”
“She’s been gone for fifteen minutes. I have taken care of two other customers since then.”
“But I didn’t hear the bell on the door.”
“That’s because the bell fell and broke last night. Mr. Coley is getting a new one later today.”
“Oh, that explains it.” I grinned. “I lose track of the time back here.”
“I find it a peaceful place too. Whenever something is troubling me, I like to come back here and take inventory of the supplies.”
“Mrs. Coley? Are you here?”
I grimaced. I recognized Mrs. Carson’s shrill voice.
Mrs. Coley chuckled. “You won’t believe this. I don’t know what happened but she’s actually quite pleasant now. I’ll be right back.” She left to take care of her customer.
She was right. I didn’t believe it. It was hard to imagine that someone whose favorite past time was gossiping could be pleasant. I kept my thoughts to myself and returned to work. I finished the bookkeeping and turned to the inventory list. Good. She hadn’t filled it out yet. I picked up the paper and began scanning the items on the shelves.
Mrs. Coley returned. “Mr. Randolph fell on some ice and broke his hip, and Mr. Grant’s assistant isn’t back from a home visit yet. Would you mind taking care of the mercantile so that I can help the doctor?”
“I would be happy to help.” I followed her to the front of the store.
“I shouldn’t be gone for longer than thirty minutes. Thank you, Ann.”
I was familiar with what she did to help her customers since I observed her many times in the past. I stood at the counter for five minutes, waiting for someone to enter the store but no one did. I walked to the window and peered at the people who strolled by. I tapped my fingers on the table holding jars of candy. I grinned. Children naturally gravitated to this area of the store.
I looked up as a man with white hair pulled a wagon to the front of the store and stopped it. I went back to the cash register and waited for him to enter. To my surprise, he brought in a basket of eggs.
“I don’t recognize you,” he said.
“I’m Mrs. Brothers. I’m filling in for Mrs. Coley while she’s helping the doctor.”
“Oh yes. She mentioned you. Mighty proud of the work you do. You save her hours of work.”
I blushed, pleased by his comment. “She has been gracious to me.”
“Tell her that Mr. Whitman stopped by with the eggs. She can pay me next week.”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good day.”
I nodded as he left. I took the basket to the backroom. I thought it was very kind of Mrs. Coley to say positive things about me to other people. I smiled, grateful she worked here. Who knew if anyone else would have offered me free food for helping in this store? I went to the shelf where Mrs. Coley usually put her eggs.
“My goodness,
Ann. You’re just as beautiful as I remember.”
I paused. I recognized that voice. My hands trembled as I finished putting the basket down before I turned to him. Why now? Why here?
Kent’s smile widened. He was dressed in his best suit. He looked as handsome and charming as I remembered. But he wasn’t Todd. And in that instant, I knew that I really did love Todd more than I had ever loved Kent.
“I believe I caught you by surprise,” he smoothly stated. “I admit we parted under dire circumstances. I made an error in judgment. I am no longer engaged to Rebecca. She was a mistake. I came to apologize and ask if I can court you again.”
“I’m married.” I glanced around the room. He was standing in the doorway. An uneasy feeling crept up my spine.
“I know why you married Todd Brothers. You were distressed over my brief encounter with Rebecca. It is understandable that you ran to the first person who offered you comfort. This is my fault.”
“But that doesn’t change the fact that I am married. I belong to someone else now.”
He laughed. “I’m sure we can find a way to get you ‘unmarried’. Really, we can work through it.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “I vowed to be with him for the rest of our lives.”
“Vows are made to be broken.”
“I’m not leaving him.”
“Hmm... I suppose you’re expecting then?”
I was shaken by the fact he would ask such a personal question. I shook my head. What was I doing? What time was it? Would Todd come by earlier than expected?
“Then there’s nothing to fear. This marriage can easily be dissolved.”
“No.”
It struck me as odd that I would say that so clearly when my hands shook. There was something in his eyes and in the way he stood that I didn’t like. Why hadn’t I noticed it before?
He sighed, as if with deep regret. “I hurt you more than I realized. I promise that I will never hurt you again. There is no other love in my life. You will always be the one.”
Falling In Love With Her Husband Page 14
