by Anne Martin
I’d kept the check stuck to my bulletin board for a long time. Davy Van-B could throw money away while I had to scratch for every nickel. Lucas got being broke. He got pulling together for family, at least that’s what I thought. He had girls around. Of course he did, which was fine because we weren’t like that. He never treated me like a girl until I went to him about the issue of how to deal with my breasts. I figured he’d help me like he’d done with my first period. He’d just stared at me for a long time before he took me bra shopping. He was four years older than me. I’d heard stories about my mother, but it seemed alien, her being some hot chick who dated a different guy every week until she met my dad. One day we were driving towards a race, and the next thing I knew, I was climbing on top of Lucas.
He pulled over on the shoulder and let me kiss him and touch him until I pulled away confused and nervous. That’s when he gave me a lecture about how I couldn’t be so careless with boys. Most of them wouldn’t respect my limits, that they’d want to go further than I was ready to go. I needed to slow down. I needed time to grow up and let my emotions catch up to my body.
It was a really great lecture, and I took it to heart. I talked to him about everything and he was a friend, my backup when I got in over my head at a bad race. I had a wreck, ended up busting my wrist and he took me to the hospital. I came out of the exam room and he was standing at the snacks machine hitting on a girl.
He looked at her like she was candy, and she looked at him like she wanted him to pet her. He’d touched her and she’d liked it. I watched them in that dim corridor until he looked up and saw me.
He blinked and gave me a nod then stepped away from the girl.
“How’s the wrist?” he asked, gesturing at the cast.
“I’ll probably miss Kansas City next weekend.”
“Pity. It would be a good one.”
“Is this your sister?” the pretty girl asked.
“Yeah,” Lucas said, grabbing me around the shoulder. He drove all the way home, all twelve hours. When we got back to Patty’s shop, the sun was coming up over the track.
“Thanks,” I said, getting out.
He grabbed my arm and pulled me back in. “What’s wrong, Trix? You haven’t said a word for a thousand miles.”
“I’m not your sister. I have four brothers.”
“I know. I think about your brothers a lot.”
“Why?”
“Why do you think?” He’d grinned at me. “You aren’t legal.”
I swallowed hard. “If I was?”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Your mother would still kill me.”
I put my hand on his knee. “You think I’m a girl?”
“Of course you’re a girl. You’ve been a very noticeable girl for a long time.”
I climbed on him and kissed him. It was different this time. He’d kissed me back and his hands went places no hands had ever dared go before.
Joey went with us on our next trip. Lucas asked him to come. He told me when we were alone behind a building, white-washed with flaking paint, that he didn’t trust himself then proceeded to show me why.
I wasn’t like my mom. I didn’t want anyone else, but him I needed. Racing and Lucas twined around my mind and heart in those years between sixteen and eighteen. With him it was always in the shadows, as frantic and heart-pounding as the races, but then when I was eighteen, legal, thinking about taking him out for a hamburger or something, I saw him on a pier with Charlie. They were holding hands.
It wasn’t very dramatic, it’s not like I caught him naked in the back of a car, but it was worse to watch him feed a girl fries and look at her like she was his world then kiss her, sweet and soft on her mouth. My heart broke. I went home and climbed in bed. My mom was worried about me and took me to the doctor. After running some tests, he announced that I’d never have kids.
I didn’t leave my room for a week. When I saw Lucas in Patty’s shop, he was worried about me. Everyone was. I’d thought I was numb after crying for a week, but seeing him made the pain fresh and terrible.
I told him that I wasn’t going to be able to have kids, that the doctor said my fighting and racing was too hard on my body. He’d pulled me into a hug, right there in the middle of the garage where anyone could have seen us. I almost hugged him back, but then I remembered the girl and I punched him in the kidneys instead.
My mom chatted on the drive back from Horse’s race, but I was distracted. My heart ached and I wasn’t sure why. When we got back to the hotel, she put on some tea and suggested that I go lay down.
In his room, I curled up in Horse’s bed and stared at the framed twenty. There was something written on it. I got up and leaned close until I bumped the glass with my nose.
The neat handwriting read, ‘Some things can’t be bought. The important things must be earned.’
I stared at the twenty that was still wrinkled and creased. That’s how I folded up my money when I shoved it into my pocket. I flopped down on the bed, staring at the twenty while I shook my head. It wasn’t possible.
I’d focused on racing and mechanics in Patty’s shop after that last hug from Lucas. He tried to talk to me, to tell me that I was still a woman even if I couldn’t have kids, but I was done. I was so done, all the way until I got drunk with my girlfriends and went on my first rampage. I’d gone home roaring drunk and my mother had sent me to bed.
I’d been very public, and Lucas was after me in the shop, telling me how irresponsible and idiotic I’d been. I’d ignored him because I didn’t need that. In the front, where we had customers, a guy came in, tall, well-put together, muscled, handsome, with some change in his pocket.
I noticed him, but instead of him giving me the once-over I’d gotten ever since I started wearing girl’s clothes, he’d glanced away. Playing hard to get? Lucas was watching us, his eyes telling me that this guy was trouble.
Lucas didn’t get it. Trouble is what I wanted. When Trouble looked at me like that when I got out of my dirt racer, I saw Lucas’s frown, arms crossed over his chest as he communicated his warning. I’d kissed the stranger, dragged him into the garage and told him I’d been using him, that he was nothing. They’d been hard words, but I knew from experience that I needed to be firm. His reaction was unexpected. He’d gotten as hard and angry as I felt. He didn’t like being used, but he could twist it and use me in return. He kissed me angry and hungry, his hands impatient and demanding. I almost forgot about everything, but the sound of Lucas’s voice brought it all back. I slipped the twenty into the stranger’s pants like he was a stripper.
I rubbed my temples and grabbed my phone. After a few minutes on hold, I had an appointment the next morning with a therapist. This whole thing was too messed up for me to deal with by myself.
The therapist was a woman who kept crossing and uncrossing her legs beneath her short skirt.
“Why is your skirt so short?” I asked after she shifted for the sixth time.
She blinked at me. She had big blue eyes and blond hair. She looked like Lucas’s type. I got up and left without another word because I was more messed up than I’d thought. I walked down the strip, ignoring my phone as I stood there, staring at the fountain.
After I got home, I went into Horse’s snobby bedroom and called up Patty with my heart pounding and twisting.
“To what do I owe the pleasure of your voice?” my uncle asked.
I swallowed. “Is Lucas around?”
“What do you want him for?”
I ran my hand through my hair. “Assault tires.”
“Assault tires? Lucas knows something about that?”
I sighed. “I just need to clear up my issues. He really messed me up and I’m trying to get straight.”
“Sure thing, Trix. Lucas, phone for you!”
I winced at the loudness as he hollered at Lucas right next to the phone. In a few seconds I heard Lucas’s voice, warm, professional, confident. It was his client voice.
“How can I h
elp you?”
“Why wasn’t I good enough for you to be with me in public?”
He was quiet for a long time. “Trix?”
“How many girls were you secretly with? I saw you with Charlie on the pier. You know I hated her. She was so mean to me. You guys were on a date. A date. Do you know how many dates I’ve gone on? None. Do you know why? Because I was busy in the back of a racecar with you, but you still had time for dates. I know; I should be over it. I’m all grown up. But I’m not over it. You broke my heart, and the next day I found out that my ovaries were broken. It’s like you broke all of my insides, but I only felt my heart shatter.”
He exhaled really long. “Take a deep breath, Trix.”
“Screw you. I’ll hyperventilate if I want to.”
He laughed, he actually laughed. “I’m sorry, Trix. I was too old for you. I felt so guilty all the time. I tried dating so I could be healthy, you know?”
I shook my head, not like he could see. “I was eighteen.”
“I know. I should have waited until you were eighteen to touch you.”
“Why? Didn’t you like me?”
“Of course I liked you. I loved you. You were my best friend. But, I took advantage of you.”
“Because you didn’t like me like that, you just got horny because of my huge breasts?”
“I can’t believe you’re talking like this. You haven’t matured at all since you were eighteen.”
“That’s what I’m saying. I’m emotionally stuck at that point. I tried to go to a therapist, but she reminded me of Charlie, blond and pretty but totally evil. If you were going to choose someone over me, at least she could be cool, like Armageddon the street fighter, or Cass, the mechanic.”
“She wasn’t that bad, she was just jealous of you. Sorry for dating other girls, but it was necessary. Look, Trix, you know your mom’s family is kind of scary. Joey told me that your mom was investigating who paid off the mortgage. If she saw where the money came from, and found out how many times and for how many years I was arranging races for you, she’d kill me. I didn’t want cement shoes.”
I blinked at the ceiling. “My mom is the reason you dated Charlie?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because, I knew that I needed to give you space, let you grow up, look around, figure out what you wanted. Trix, you’ve been in love with me since you were twelve. That’s not healthy. It was fine when you had a crush and I could be the good friend, but you started looking at me differently. You were fourteen when you almost made me crash the car when we were driving to the race. Trix, do you know how close I came to popping your cherry on the passenger’s seat? Fourteen. I was eighteen. That’s not right.”
I started feeling sweaty and clammy. “You shouldn’t lie about my mom. Just admit that you liked Charlie more than me.”
He sighed. “I liked her okay, but you, Trix, are phenomenal. You always have been. You’ve got fire, loyalty, and heart, all wrapped up in that incredibly tempting body. Your husband is one lucky man.”
I sobbed and covered my mouth with my hand.
“Trix, I’m sorry. Do you want to talk more? I’m up to my elbows in engine grease.”
I shook my head and blinked at the blurry ceiling. “Did he hurt you?”
“He did. It’ll be worth it if he makes you happy. Call me again after you’ve thought about it. Please don’t talk to your mom. She’s the most terrifying person on the planet.”
I smiled slightly. “She’s in the next room. That’s exactly what I’m going to do.”
I heard him protest but I hung up on him and dropped the phone. I took a deep breath and wiped the tears out of my eyes.
I got up and wrapped the ratty quilt around my shoulders and walked into the living room where my mother was sitting, talking on the phone in rapid Italian.
She said loud goodbyes and then gave me a warm smile. I went over to the couch and lay down, putting my head on her lap. She threaded through my curls, fingers careful. I had her hair.
“Mom, did you think about putting Lucas in cement?”
“I would never do that to somebody.”
“Mom!” I sat up and glared at her. She would have said no, not gone all defensive if the answer was actually negative.
She stared at me then gave a small shrug. “I thought one of the uncles was paying off the mortgage. I wasn’t going to let that go. When we got things straight, I investigated. You and your races with Lucas…” She slapped my forehead. “Stupid! Throwing away your future on pheromones and adrenaline. I was so angry, and that boy was an easy target. I might have talked to a few people. Nothing would have come of it, even if Joey hadn’t convinced me that Lucas wasn’t messing around with you, that he’d been the chaperone, like he’s respectable enough for that.”
“Mom! You can’t threaten to kill people that I like. What’s wrong with you?” I started sobbing and she pulled me into her arms, holding me tight.
“Shhh. Don’t cry so hard. It’s ugly and it will make your uterus too tight. Shh. Deep breaths. Think of your nice husband. He’s much better than Lucas. He’s a fighter, a good one. Mick says so, one of the best he’s trained. And he’s rich. You can’t find a lot of men as handsome and rich as he is.”
I pushed away from her. “What do you mean, rich? How do you know he’s rich?”
“VanBuren, the boy from the check. Do you think I didn’t have that family investigated after the boy sent the check? I suspected something perverted, you know how rich boys are, but he was such a sad, lonely thing. I set up his first street fight.”
I stared at her. “You did what?”
“He needed some encouragement. I knew that you’d never look at him twice unless he had a little more steel and fire in him. Now, he’s perfect for my crazy girl.”
I stared at her. “You really are the mob.”
“Oh no, dear. The mob doesn’t have enough vision.”
I licked my lips. “I’ve always wondered, what happened to the guy who ran off with dad’s money?”
She pursed her lips. “Bad things, Trix. The same kind of bad things that would have happened to Lucas if he’d pimped you out as more than his racer. He never took a cut. He really was doing it out of love. Still, it’s a good thing your husband hurt him.”
“Good thing. Otherwise you’d have to put him in cement shoes.”
She pinched my nose. “You need to go to bed.”
“Watch the race with me.”
She smiled and turned it on. She made popcorn and I fell asleep with my head on her lap. I woke up under the soft throw with Horse’s pillow under my head. She must have gone into his room while I’d been sleeping.
I went into the kitchen, groggy and feeling weird, but a weight was off my chest. “Mom? What are you making?”
“Omelets. Without the yolk. It’s such a sin to throw away all that happy vitamin D, but doctor’s orders. Sit down.”
I sat at the table and watched her make love to Horse’s gourmet stove. It was a beautiful thing. She adjusted the heat and stirred a pan while she hummed under her breath.
“Mom, what are you doing here?”
“You needed me.”
“Of course, but how did you know?” I smiled, because her confidence was absurdly sweet. Also frustrating, but that was strangely muted this morning.
“I saw the footage of you on the motorcycle in the fur coat.”
I blinked at her and felt hot and ill. “Oh. You were worried I’d crash?”
“Yes. Not the bike, your life. You have a baby, a wonderful husband, there was no reason for you to be operating under desperation unless…”
I forced a smile. “We’re fine.”
“Of course you are. That’s why none of your clothes are in his closet.”
“You shouldn’t go snooping around, mom!”
“Why not? You don’t ever talk about what’s wrong.”
“Because you put people in cement.”
<
br /> She scowled at me. “Don’t hold my upbringing against me. Honey, tell me about it. Is it Lucas? Are you still in love with him?”
I stared at her. Was I? I rubbed the table with my finger as I remembered Lucas, the times I’d been with him, racing, other things, but it seemed far away and not as painful as usual.
“I don’t think so.”
“Good. He’s all right, but you’d be bored with him. He’d always be supporting you while you shone so bright, but he’d only have your reflected light. Horse shines.” She sighed dreamily and I rolled my eyes.
“Thanks, mom. You can admire dad, okay? No sighing over my husband.”
“It’s not for me, it’s for you. The way the two of you look at each other, holding hands, I see the future so bright and brilliant, ripe with promise and potential, it’s…” She started sniffling and dabbing at her eyes. “So beautiful!” She broke out in loud sobs.
I got up and hugged her, patting her back as she wept very loudly and very demonstrably. It ended abruptly like it always did, and she went back to cooking.
I smiled as I watched her. It just felt like a good morning, and my mom and her spatula, there wasn’t anything more beautiful than that. I watched the races and wrote down how I felt about Lucas and Horse, getting the words down to capture the feelings and the thoughts that I’d always tried to avoid instead of facing.
Horse raced beautifully. He was giving it everything. Even when he pulled ahead of Nix, he kept going, taking out the worst of the desert traps and fighting out of the ambushes.
Horse fought so hard when he didn’t have to. He had money. He didn’t have to spill his blood in the desert for a team of reprobates who relied on him to pull them together.
He’d said he loved me. He’d said that I was worth loving in public. Did he mean it? He’d better have, because I wasn’t going to waste any more time being afraid, holding back, not loving him with every bit and piece of me.
Chapter 18
Horse Demon a.k.a. Nathaniel David VanBuren
I finished first.
I was in shock, partly from the win, but mostly because Trix was standing on the running board of her jeep wearing head-to-toe black leather. She looked good, also like she’d come to kill someone. Would she finish me off? She’d better hurry up with it before I passed out on my face at her feet.
