by Allie Faye
“Bad dream,” I say, breathing out, still feeling the aftershock of my nightmare.
“You ready to tell me why Holden carried you into the room last night and why I saw him kissing your forehead as he placed you on the bed?”
“No!” I snap, falling back on the mattress, and pulling the sheet over my head.
“Well, too fucking bad,” Bailey says, jumping on the bed, and pulling the sheet away. “Tell me everything you dirty bitch!”
“Go away,” I grumble.
“Not on your life. Seriously though, are you okay?”
“I’m…I don’t know what I am, Bails.” Images of Holden and the way he made me feel last night dance along the edges of my mind and I smile to myself. But then I remember Ezra and his proposal, both of them. His to me and his to Holden. What a bastard. I frown.
She touches her hand to mine as I scoot my back up the headboard. “Listen, if you aren’t ready to talk I get it, but I love you and worry about you, so whatever it is, no judgements.”
“I slept with Holden,” I confess.
Her eyes widen and a smirk spreads across her face. “Get out! No way. Was he any good?”
That is not the response I was expecting. “Who are you and where is my friend?”
“You know as much as I hate that man, I have always wondered what he’d be like in bed. He’s a dickhead, but I’m not blind, Conleigh. You know why I really hold a grudge against him?”
“Because he was a player?”
“Because deep down I knew he didn’t want to be with me. Deep down I was a jealous bitch because he never looked at me the way he looks at you and I’m sorry I never said anything.”
My mouth hangs open and I don’t know what to say. “What?”
She shrugs. “That man is crazy about you, and well…you seemed so happy with Ezra, so I thought not my circus not my monkeys, ya know? Holden doesn’t exactly have a great track record, but what about Ezra? You have been together a long time and not to mention they are friends, best friends and you live with both of them. Holy shit! What are you doing you crazy vixen?”
“I don’t know. I need coffee and then I will figure my shit out.”
“Coffee is an excellent start.” She grins.
“Why are you so happy?” I ask, as she goes to her side of the room. “It’s too early for this crap.”
“No, it’s almost noon and this is the most exciting thing to happen in my life.” She gets a weird expression on her face. “I can’t even get a date and you have two men in love with you. There is something wrong with this picture,” she teases.
I can’t believe she is being so cool about Holden. I was sure she would freak out and give me the tongue lashing I deserve. As bad as Ezra is, I am still a bigger asshole. I fucked his best friend and truth is, I want to do it again. I’m a horrible person.
After a trip to the bathroom and changing into one of my outfits Bailey borrowed months ago, we are both ready to head down the street to our favorite breakfast spot, King’s Diner. They have the best steak and eggs around. I don’t really have much of an appetite, but I will think better with some food in my stomach.
Right as we are walking of the building someone calls out my name. “Conleigh!” Ezra shouts from the parking lot.
“Oh boy,” Bailey squeals like an excited school girl.
“Shut it,” I hiss at her, and she gives me a who me look.
We stop in our tracks as he jogs over to us. He looks as shitty as I feel. Dark circles shadow his eyes as he runs a hand through his hair. He’s dressed in a pair of ball shorts and t-shirt, and I can’t for the life of me remember seeing him dressed so down in forever.
“Why didn’t you stay at the apartment last night?” He goes to grab my hand, and I jerk away from his touch.
“I don’t know, Ezra. Maybe because you have been fucking Judy behind my back for months.”
Bailey’s mouth pops open and snaps shut as I glare at her, warning her to keep quiet. Ezra doesn’t know about Holden and me and I plan to keep it that way.
“You lied to me.”
“Can we go somewhere and talk. Just the two of us. Please.” His green eyes do appear remorseful, and I suppose after being together for two years, I need to hear him out so we can both get some closure.
“Fine. Bailey, I will talk to you later.”
“Sure. We have lots to talk about.” She emphasizes the word lots. I nod, and she goes back in the building.
“Can we stop somewhere and get a coffee?” I ask him, as he follows me to his car like a lost puppy.
“Whatever you want,” he says, his voice hoarse. “Can you drive? I have a wicked hangover.” He grimaces as the sun shines in his eyes.
“Sure.” I take the keys from his hand, careful not to touch him. I’m too raw and part of me doesn’t want to erase Holden’s touch from my body. I don’t want Ezra to touch me now where Holden has been.
For someone who wanted to talk so damn bad, Ezra is quiet until after I go through the drive thru at Starbucks.
After I get back on the road, I ask, “Do you want to go to the park to talk?” I can’t go back to the apartment yet. I can’t face Holden yet. I know what I asked of him is wrong, and I could see the anguish on his face when he left me early this morning. He wasn’t happy with my decision, but I won’t be responsible for ripping apart his friendship with Ezra if I haven’t already.
“Sounds good.” His head is laying against the passenger side window and he winces when I turn the radio on. He must have really tied one on last night.
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” He never misses work, ever.
“I think the old man understands after last night went so wrong,” he says.
I nod and pull into the first empty spot by the fishing docks at the lake. Taking a sip of my coffee, I go to get out of the car when Ezra stops me. He grabs a hold of my arm and grips me so tight I am afraid I will bruise.
“Thank you for coming with me. I know I fucked up, but I love you.”
I nod unsure of what to say to him. “Let’s go sit in the shade under the picnic shelter.”
He lets go and I want to rub away his touch where his fingerprints mark my wrist, but I don’t.
We get out of the car and I take a seat across the picnic table from him. “I’m listening, so talk.”
“You have to forgive me. I fucked up and I know that.”
“You more than fucked up.” I shake my head. “But we both know we weren’t working, and I should’ve said no when you asked me to move in. It was a mistake.”
“Nothing about us was a mistake, Con. Don’t say that.” He goes to grab my hand across the table, and I shrink back, putting my hands in my lap. “Why can’t I touch you?” His voice is heated.
“Because, the hands that were supposed to love me have been on another woman. That’s why. The thought of you touching me after being with her makes my skin crawl. I can’t stand the thought, Ezra. It makes me sick. When was the last time you fucked her? Did you fuck her and come home to me last week? Is she why you haven’t been sleeping with me? Is she why you were working so late? Is she?”
He looks at me with defeat, and I know I am right. I know the answer to all my questions is yes.
He gets up and comes to sit next to me. I want to move away from him, but I don’t. He grabs my hand again, and this time, I let him. He brushes his fingers over my knuckles and brings them to his mouth for a kiss. The gesture makes me shudder in disgust.
“She meant nothing to me. I fired her after I dropped you off. I went to her apartment and told her to find a new job and to never contact me again. I’m sorry, Snookems. I’m so sorry. You have to forgive me. I can’t live without you. If you leave me, I’ll kill you and then myself. I can’t live in a world where you aren’t mine.”
What the serious fuck? “Don’t be so dramatic, Ezra. You don’t mean that.”
“I do, Conleigh. I swear to you, I will slit your damn throat in your sleep and then I will b
low my brains out. I can’t stand to think of you with another man. The thought of you being with any guy who isn’t me, it makes me crazy mad.”
“Ezra, you’re scaring me,” I cry, afraid of what he will say next.
“You can’t leave me, Snookems. We are perfect together. Just give me chance. That’s all I am asking, Con. Give me two weeks to show you that I can make you happy.”
He hugs me into his side and for the first time in my life I am afraid of Ezra as he pulls a gun from the waistband of his shorts and holds it to my temple.
“If you don’t, they will find you at the bottom of the lake.”
I swallow, afraid to move, afraid to speak.
“Ezra, please…don’t do this. You don’t mean it. You’d never hurt me.”
“Say you’re mine,” he growls.
“I’m…”
“Say it!!” He cocks the gun and I can’t breathe. My chest feels as though it is about to collapse.
A shot rings out as he fires the gun in the air.
“Stop, just stop. I’ll do anything you want.”
“Conleigh. Conleigh!” Someone screams my name.
I gasp for air.
“Wake up, Conleigh. I think you’re having a bad dream?”
Glancing around, feeling bewildered, my eyes begin to focus, landing on Bailey.
I gasp, sucking in another breath. Cold sweat slides down my back
“What’s going on with you?”
A feeling of Deja vu sweeps through me as Bailey studies me. It was a dream. All of it. A dream within a dream…or maybe I am just crazy.
“Why was Holden here in bed with you when I got in?” She grins.
Everything comes rushing back at me. Guilt, betrayal, desire, lust...Holden—his hands on my body. The way I felt so whole in his arms.
“I fucked him,” I blurt out, harshly.
Her blue eyes widen, and she gapes at me. “You did what?”
“You heard me,” I say on a groan, stretching my aching legs. “Apparently, Ezra has been diddling his assistant, Judy. For months.”
“And you thought fucking Holden of all people would make the situation better?”
I scrub my palms over my eyes. “No, but it sure made me feel amazing. Are you mad at me?”
“Why would I be mad at you? For fucking Holden? Puh-a-lease. He was never my boyfriend. I’m just surprised. I thought you hated Holden.” She scrunches her nose and I pull my legs up, giving her room to sit on the bed. “So…what now? Are you moving back in, because I just moved my extra shit to your wardrobe and I am not stuffing it back under my bed,” she teases.
I shove her shoulder playfully.
“You know I am kidding. You know you are always welcome back. It’s not like you were gone that long anyway.” She shrugs.
“Yeah, I don’t know what I am doing. I’m a mess.”
“That you are. A beautiful mess my friend. Get up. I need coffee and food. Let’s go to King’s Diner.”
I get an uneasy feeling in my stomach but nod in agreement.
I need a shower. Since all my crap is at the apartment Bailey loans me an outfit and her toiletries. It isn’t like we haven’t shared since we have lived together anyway.
In the shower, I can’t stop thinking about Holden and the way he looked at me. I can still feel his breath on my neck as he held me while I cried, flushing my guilt out of my system through my tears. He was so damn sweet to me. I don’t want to hurt him, but I need to get my life together. I need to meet with my advisor and do something about Ezra.
A knot forms in my throat thinking about him. I can’t believe he cheated on me. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. Most men do it. I know Ronald has a mistress. The bitch is a nurse in his office. My mother doesn’t mind it though. Says he can do as he pleases as long as he provides for her. It’s sickening but it’s the hard reality I grew up in.
I finish up quickly, deciding not to wash my hair. I can do it later. Toweling off, I proceed to wipe the steam from the mirror. I stare at my reflection, wondering who in the hell this stranger is looking back at me. A hickey shines like a beacon on my collarbone. I rub my fingers over the red and purple mark, remembering Holden’s lips and teeth tasting and teasing me.
The old me never would have given into the temptation. Part of me feels disgusted with myself, but the rest of me wants more…better. The part of me that has hungered for Holden James is growing stronger. I know I should just go get my shit and move back to the dorm. Close that chapter of my life and let both Ezra and Holden go, but I don’t want to. I don’t think I can.
I get dressed in a newfound determination. Maybe I want to play Ezra’s game. Maybe I want to give him a taste of his own bitter fruit.
When I get out of the bathroom, Bailey is on my phone. She peers up at me and I can see the sneakiness in her eyes. She is up to something.
“What are you doing?”
She grins. “I was updating your relationship status online. You’re welcome.”
“You’re awful,” I tell her.
“I know.” She beams, handing me my cell phone.
I glance at the screen and it reads: It’s Complicated. Isn’t that the truth. I shake my head. “Let’s go eat.” Slipping my shoes on, I grab my purse and follow Bailey out the door.
The moment my shoes hit the sidewalk, Ezra starts calling me. I start to hit ignore but think better of it.
“Hello.”
“Why are you posting it’s complicated on your social media as a relationship status?”
“Are you seriously asking me this right now?” I shriek.
“I need to see you. Can we talk after work?” I can hear the stress in his voice.
“About what? Your plans with Judy,” I snap, continuing to walk to the diner, ignoring Bailey tugging on my free hand, mouthing for me to hang up.
“I fired her first thing this morning. It’s over. I swear to you, Snookems. I never meant for it to happen. Where did you sleep last night?”
“Not that it is any of your business, but I stayed with Bailey.”
“You need time…I know…I just I need to see you.”
“I’ll be at the apartment tonight. We can talk then.” I hang up on him before he can say more.
“Please don’t tell me you are going back to him after knowing what you know and doing what you did.” Bailey attempts to talk some sense into me.
“I don’t know.” I shrug as she opens the door to King’s Diner.
Stepping inside, a wave of cool air washes over me. The smell of grease instantly takes over, but their breakfast is the best in the city. Our usual booth is occupied so we take a seat at the counter, hoping it will be open soon. Bailey and I always people watch through the large picturesque window.
After we’ve placed our orders and had a cup of coffee our booth frees up. We eagerly grab our favorite seats before anyone else can.
Bailey keeps staring at me expectantly.
“What? Why are you staring at me like that for?”
She slaps her hand down on the table, exasperated. Her lips screw up as she says, “Are we gonna discuss Holden?”
“What about Holden?”
She rolls her baby blues and leans across the table. “You can’t just drop an I fucked my boyfriend’s best friend bomb on me and not dish.”
“It feels…I don’t know. Awkward. You sorta liked him once upon a time.”
“Holden never even had me on his radar. That’s so two years ago anyway. Besides, you haven’t said if it was good or not. He was good, wasn’t he?” She grins.
Before I can answer the waitress brings our food.
Chapter 17
Conleigh
I don’t know what I’m doing here. I take a deep breath as I stare at the door to The Grill. The outside is a bit rough. The sign needs updated; it creaks above my head, ready to rust off the hinges any day now. It reads Big Mike’s Grill in old English style lettering. Who in the hell is Mike anyway? Was he the previous owne
r? The white vinyl siding could use a good power wash and the parking lot needs swept and repaved. There’s a lot of potential here, but I doubt the place makes enough money to cover the repairs it truly needs to improve its curb appeal. I don’t know why I care, but I do.
I guess it’s because I care about Holden and want him to succeed. My life is one giant clusterfuck. When did Holden manage to get under my skin so deeply?
I had Bailey drop me off here against her better judgment. I know she worries about me, but I need to sort my shit out myself. Only I can fix my life. I only wish I had a real plan. I do need a job and there is the perk of working for Holden, even though I am not entirely sure I am ready to see him yet. I scan the parking lot realizing his truck isn’t here. That’s good. I start to go in three times before I finally get over my nerves. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He isn’t even here, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. I walk in and scan the place. Everything appears so different in the daylight. The floor is clean of peanut shells and only two customers are seated at the bar.
The bartender from the other night is on duty as well as that skank, Cheryl. Her nose turns up when she sees me and my stomach sours knowing she has fooled around with Holden. I don’t know if I can stomach working next to her. I have no reason to hate her, but I do. I think I will hate every woman who has ever felt his touch before I did.
“You the new girl?” Waylon questions as I step up to the counter. I remember him from last time I came in. He’s cute enough. I bet he makes good tips. He has piercing blue eyes that almost appear to be contacts because they are deep indigo.
“Yeah.” I smile at him trying to dial down my jealousy toward the hussy.
“Cool. Holden said he wasn’t sure if you’d show.” He smiles. Warm. Friendly.
“Well, here I am. Do I need to fill out paperwork or anything?”
“Nah, today you’ll work for cash and if you can hang, then Holden will handle hiring you.”
“Okay, where do I start?”
“You can start by taking your prissy ass somewhere else,” Cheryl sneers at me and blows her freshly painted finger nails. There’s a bottle of red nail polish sitting on the bar. Her roots need touched up and she has lipstick on her teeth. She moves to light up a cigarette and rolls her eyes at me when I scrunch up my nose.
