“Sure it was still a mistake?” Seth asked quietly.
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe you should figure it out before what you’re picturing actually happens. Keaton’s a good guy, and unlike Max, he won’t see her like a sister.”
“There are things going on, I can’t talk about it. I don’t know what I want or what I think.”
“I’m here if you want to talk. Just realize that she’s not going to wait around forever for you to figure it out.”
I nodded, because he was right. Eventually she’d find someone who wasn’t as fucked up as me. She deserved that, but still the thought of someone else touching her was driving me crazy.
Chapter 24
Jules
I was already curled up with my sketchpad when the guys boarded the bus. Keaton and I had hung out, watching horror movies and eating popcorn. He was my kindred spirit. Both of us shared a love of adding snow caps to our warm butter popcorn. Having the popcorn melt the chocolate slightly so you end up with this heavenly combination of warm rich chocolate and salty popcorn. It was the perfect addition while watching old B rated horror flicks.
We parted ways before we fell asleep on the couch, him to his bus and me to mine. I had planned on curling up on my bunk and sleeping only once I got here, I didn’t make it past the first captain’s chair. I had an idea in my head, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I had it sketched out.
For Christmas, I had made these pick holders that hung from necklaces for Jaks, Seth, and Sam. I had an idea for something similar, only this time in ring form. I wanted to make it where it was removable so you could wear it on a ring but also have a magnet so you could attach it a mic stand.
I barely glanced up when I heard them come up the stairs. I’d hooked my iPod up to the bus’s stereo system and Framing Hanley’s Built for Sin was playing loudly. I grabbed the remote and turned up the volume trying to cover the noise they were making. Vulnerable by Secondhand Serenade came on and I started singing along while continuing to work. I just wanted to get this finished before I passed out from exhaustion.
As I was singing along, my eyes left the paper in front of me and landed on Sam. The lyrics to this song resonated in me at this particular moment. It reminded me too much of Sam, and my feelings for him. I brushed away the tear that had fallen, because somewhere between when I met him to this point, I had fallen in love with Sam. And I realized how stupid of a mistake that was. He would be a repeat of my past once again, I would give him my love, my heart, and he would leave. He didn’t want what I had to give any more than my mother or Beau did.
At some point my hope, my belief in fairy tales had been destroyed. I knew deep down that Sam would just reiterate that lesson. If not, when he realized what he held in his hands he would destroy it. He would tear down my castle walls; promise to be my prince charming. To save me from my dragons, only to let me down. Maybe that was my fault, I knew in my head that I had to be the one to slay my dragons. My heart though still yearned for someone to take care of me, to love me.
Once the song came to an end I turned off the stereo, flipped my sketchbook shut, and sat it down beside the chair. I got up and headed back to my bunk. I didn’t need anyone watch as my heart broke. Because I saw it in his eyes, I saw what he wasn’t willing to say clearly. He was sorry; he wished he could give me what I wanted. Only he wasn’t able. I smiled sadly at him as I passed, I couldn’t blame him. Why would he want me when my own mother had so easily cast me away.
“Jules,” he called.
“It’s fine, Sam,” I murmured then went and laid down on my bunk. I made sure the curtain was closed before I curled into a ball and cried softly. I cried until sleep found me.
Sam
I watched as Jules retreated into the bunk area, I wanted to go in there wrap around her and tell her I was sorry. I wanted to explain that I wanted nothing more than her. I wanted her too much to actually have her. I couldn’t do to her what my father did to my mother. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt her like that. Even though my mother didn’t know yet what my father had done. I know that when it comes out that it will destroy her. I care too much about Jules to take that risk.
“What was that?” X barked.
“Nothing,” I muttered.
“What is wrong with you?” he growled.
“You don’t understand.”
“Then make me understand?” He said quietly but I could hear the rage in his voice. “Make me understand why you just turned away the best thing that could have ever happened to you.”
“I can’t.”
I walked away from him, from everyone. I walked as far away as I could, which being on a tour bus, wasn’t that far. I would normally go to the back bedroom only to get there I would have to pass Jules bunk. And I knew if I did that, I would end up with her in my arms making promises I didn’t know if I could keep.
At this moment I hated my father more than ever; I hated him for laying this on my shoulders. I hated him for the decisions he made. I hated him because he was dying and planned to leave me the aftermath. Most of all I hated him because he destroyed an image I held, an image I had wanted in my life. The man I had once looked up to, had striven to emulate, the perfect family, the happy life. He destroyed it all with his selfish decisions.
I sat in the captain’s chair Jules had just vacated, spun it around, and grabbed the acoustic guitar I had sitting there. I turned on Bob Dylan’s Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door and started to play along. I focused on the simple chords losing myself in a story. I escaped, if not physically, emotionally and mentally from everyone around me and I played. I continued to play long after we had left Colorado Springs, after everyone else had gone to bed. I played until my fingers bled and I couldn’t play any longer. And I still couldn’t get far enough away.
Chapter 25
Jules
When I woke up, I rolled off my bunk right into Ian’s feet. He looked down at me and glared so I flipped him off. I watched from the floor of dirty clothes as he stomped away and I felt no remorse. Honestly, I didn’t feel much of anything. I laid there and looked up at the ceiling for a few minutes before I finally found the motivation to push myself up.
I went to the bathroom and washed my face, not that it did much good. My eyes were puffy and blood shot, it wasn’t difficult to tell that I had cried myself to sleep. I shrugged it off, I’m sure everyone realized what happened last night. I went into the galley and sighed in relief when I found a pot of coffee already made.
“Morning,” Seth called from the table.
I grunted and fixed a cup of coffee. Then plodded over to where Seth was sitting in front of his laptop.
“Skyping with Devi?”
“Yep,” he said.
“Can I talk to her?”
He looked over at me and smiled sadly. “Sure,” then looked back at the screen. “Babe, Jules wants to talk to you.”
She spun the laptop around and so it was facing me.
“Hey honey,” Devi said softly.
“Is the offer of renting your old house still on the table?” I asked ignoring her pitying looks.
She blinked. “Of course it is.”
“I want it.”
“It still needs some work, after what asshat did to it when Mags was living there.”
I shrugged. “It’s fine, I don’t mind fixing it up.”
“I can get someone.”
“No really, I want to do it. You know make it my own.”
“Yeah, I get it,” she said softly.
“How are you feeling?”
“Better,” she said smiling, “though the morning sickness is still kicking my ass.”
She looked me over. “How are you?”
“Eh, I’ve had worse.”
She flinched and I felt bad for saying that. “Really, I’m okay.”
She sighed. “No, you’re not.”
“How are the kids?” I asked ignoring that statement. No use digging into
what I am or wasn’t. It wouldn’t change anything.
“Jaks,” she sighed, “I am in so much trouble with that boy. He’s already scamming girls.”
“What did he do?”
She rolled her eyes. “So I went to pick him up from school and this adorable little girl in his class came up to him all giggly. She whispered something in his ear and he looked at her, shrugged, gave her Seth’s fucking smirk, then walked off. She followed Jaks every move like a puppy.”
“Sounds like his daddy.”
“Don’t remind me, I remember Seth in high school. I am well and truly fucked.”
“It’ll be okay, he has X to learn from,” I said giggling, she sat there her mouth gaping like a fish. I waved bye and handed Seth back his laptop.
We were in Albuquerque for tonight’s show, before we headed to Tucson where there was a three-day break. Though at this point I really didn’t care. I just wanted off that bus and away from the looks I was getting. So I went over to Warped Morality’s bus to see if Keaton was up and about yet.
Lana was the one to open the door when I knocked, it felt strange to knock on the door of a bus, but I wasn’t sure of the proper protocol. The idea of just pushing the button to open the doors and walking on seemed wrong.
She eyed me up and down. “What do you want?”
“Keaton around?”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Why?”
“Uh, because I want to talk to him.”
Thatcher stepped up behind Lana and grinned. “Jules, what are you doing here?”
“Came to talk to Keaton.”
“Come on, he’s in here,” he said waving me on all while ignoring the death glare Lana was giving him.
“Thanks,” I murmured stepping on the bus and around Lana. She huffed and stomped off the bus.
“She really does not like you.”
I shrugged. “Not my problem.”
He chuckled. “She’s got a thing for Seth.”
I snorted. “She’s either brave or stupid.”
He cocked his head to the side. “He wouldn’t be the first married guy to fall to her charms.”
I shook my head. “He won’t fall, and if she continues, she’ll have to deal with a pissed off, pregnant Devi. And trust me, no one wants to do that.”
He looked at me in shock. “Seth’s wife is pregnant.”
“Yep.”
“Huh, haven’t seen that on TMZ yet.”
“Stop watching that shit, it’ll rot your brain,” I told him then went in search of Keaton.
Sam
I was up early and out the door before anyone else was awake. I knew I was being a prick today, but I didn’t really care. More and more of the roadies were giving me a wide berth. The last one that came up to me, turned and sprinted the other direction when I snarled at him. I hadn’t slept well, the closer we got to Tucson the worse my mood was getting.
My phone rang and I had the urge to fling it across the parking lot as far as I could but I knew that would cause more issues than solve.
“What?” I growled.
“What the fuck is your problem?” An equally pissed off Devi seethed.
“Don’t have time for your shit today, Devlin.”
“And I could give a flying fuck, Samuel.”
“I’d be nice, Sam,” Mags chirped. “She’s ready to fly out there and light your ass on fire.”
“Shut up, Mags,” both Devi and I yelled at the same time.
“I sent her out there so you guys could keep her safe, not so she could be hurt further,” Devi growled.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and reminded myself to breathe instead of yell at the pregnant lady.
“I never meant to hurt her.”
“But you did,” Ash said softly.
“Jeez, what the hell is this, the women in my life staging an intervention?”
“Close,” Mags answered.
“What do you want me to do, Devi?”
“Make it right.”
“How?” I snapped back.
“Stop being a coward and do something about the fact that you have feelings for her. We all know you do, we’ve watched you watch her for a fucking year now,” Devi yelled.
“It’s not that easy,” I yelled back.
“Yes it is, you pussy.”
“Devi,” Ash murmured, “calm down.”
“Ash, leave her alone, I want to watch her kick the oaf’s ass,” Mags cackled.
“Both you bitches shut up,” Devi shouted. “Sam, she had better be happy when she gets back here or so help me, you will pay.”
With that, she was gone along with the other bickering, nosey women. All that was missing was a phone call from my mom to tell me what a failure of a son I was for leaving at a time my family needs me. She didn’t mind me paying for my father’s medical expenses the insurance didn’t cover. Oh no, she expected that from me. Only she failed to realize that those checks are funded by me leaving and going on tour, or as she said partying away the night with a bunch of loose women.
Nothing I did was ever good enough for anyone in my life.
A roadie walked over to me and cleared his throat. “Uhm, Sam, there’s a problem.”
I closed my eyes and counted to ten, and quickly realized that wasn’t going to be long enough.
“Then fucking fix it,” I growled before turning and heading for the bus. Only to realize the last place I wanted to be was the bus where Jules was.
Chapter 26
Jules
I found Keaton on the sofa in their lounge reading a book; he looked up and smiled at me. I wished for a moment that that smile gave me butterflies. That I looked at him and saw something other than a new friend. Unfortunately, for me that didn’t happen, so I flopped down beside him and sighed.
“What’s up, Jules?”
“I needed to get away.”
“Trouble in paradise?”
“Something like that.”
Thatcher clapped his hand then rubbed them together. “Let’s get out of here; I’m tired of staring at parking lots.”
I tilted my head to the side. “Didn’t you go out last night?”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t much fun, I had to babysit Lana.”
“We were going on a food run,” Keaton said. “Want to join?”
“Sounds better than staying around here and having everyone stare at me.”
He arched an eyebrow at me but I just shook my head. I didn’t want explain what happened last night to him. Hell I didn’t know what happened last night other than Sam making it clear he didn’t want me.
“Alright, let’s go,” Keaton said standing up and reaching for me. I clasped his hand and let him pull me up.
“I need to let someone know I’m leaving,” I said like a petulant teenager.
Keaton nodded.
We all filed off the bus and headed back to the bus that held My Misery Muse.
I walked up the stairs to find X sitting on the couch watching TV and scratching his balls.
“Hey I’m leaving for a while.”
His eyes snapped to mine. “What do you mean leaving?”
“Keaton and Thatcher are going out to buy food, so I’m going with.”
“Ah to go back to the days I could walk into a grocery store on tour without being harassed.”
“Poor baby,” I said sticking my bottom lip out.
Thatcher walked up behind me, he and X did that whole manly fist bump thing.
“We’re heading to Walmart, anything you guys need?” Thatcher asked.
“Walmart?” X’s eyes lit up and I groaned.
“Yep.”
“I’m coming,” X said jumping up and running towards the back.
“Damn,” I muttered.
After both Xavier and Eli were ready to go, we headed out to the SUV the band had brought along with them. We climbed in with one of the security guards as the driver and headed off to Walmart.
“Do you really think that’s going to work?
” I asked eyeing X.
“Always has in the past,” he said smirking.
I looked him over and shook my head. He’d gone ‘incognito’ with a ball cap and sunglasses. How he thought that would keep him from being spotted, I didn’t have a clue.
“People see what they want to see,” X said looking over at me. “No one expects to see me walking around a Walmart, so they won’t.”
“If we get chased around Walmart because you and Eli are with us,” I said looking him in the eye. “I will trip you to get out before I’m crushed.”
“Thanks for that,” he murmured, “great to have friends like you.”
“Nothing against you, but you’ve got to take care of number one.”
“I should probably be happy you weren’t able to bring your gun with you, hmm?”
“It would have been a flesh wound.”
“Remind me to keep her around for the Zombie apocalypse,” Thatcher said from the seat behind us.
“She’d shoot you in the leg and leave you behind first,” Keaton replied.
He scoffed. “No way, I have skills.”
“What skills?” I asked intrigued.
“Uhm, well you’ll need someone to have babies with.”
“Oh damn, you are not smart,” Eli said quietly.
“So I’d be a broodmare?”
“Well not, uhm,” Thatcher stumbled.
X closed his eyes and sighed. “Really lucky she didn’t bring her gun.”
I was turning in my seat to give Thatcher a piece of my mind when we pulled into the parking lot.
“Thatcher, you’d die the first day, but me and mine would survive. Why? Because we have a group of strong women who would make damn sure we survived at all costs. Do not ever get between a woman and her family. Mama bear is not a myth.”
“Amen,” Eli groaned, “you girls scare the piss out of me.”
“Smart man,” X retorted.
“They can’t be that bad.” Thatcher eyed both X and Eli as we climbed out of the SUV.
“You’ve never met Devi, have you?” Eli asked.
Thatcher shook his head.
“Yeah, I’d keep your opinions to yourself, or there is a chance you won’t be having kids,” X warned.
Believed (My Misery Muse) Page 14
