“I am sorry,” Hollow murmured. “I thought Miriam took sick. Honest. I didn’t think—”
“Hush, Hollow,” Miriam said as she rubbed her hand up and down Susie’s back. “You have no fault in this.”
Susie was inconsolable. She groaned from the very depths of her soul. “Don’t hate me. Don’t hate me, Miriam.”
Seth stepped off the porch as if there were no room for him. He and Hollow tried to look invisible. Miriam didn’t blame them. They must have felt like intruders.
Susie’s distress broke through Miriam’s already-weak defenses, and she let the tears flow right along with her sister’s. The only thing they had left was their mutual grief.
“I would have gone to Canada,” Susie cried. “If you wanted me to go, I would have gone.”
Hollow and Seth had disappeared. Miriam pulled Susie down to sit on the steps while keeping an arm around her. She brushed a finger against Susie’s chin and compelled her to meet her eyes. “Think about how sad you were to leave us. I couldn’t bear to ask you to go.”
“But you lost Ephraim because of me. You should not have been the one to make the sacrifice. I am the one who committed the sin, and you are paying for it.”
Miriam took a deep breath and found her composure. “We bear one another’s burdens. They belong to the entire family. Lord willing, this will work out to our good. ‘All things work together for good to them that love God.’”
“But it still hurts,” Susie said.
“Worse than anything.”
They sat clasped in each other’s arms until there were no more tears to shed.
Susie looked around. “Where did they go?”
Miriam sighed. “If they were smart, they hightailed it to Minnesota to get as far away as possible from two blubbering girls.”
Susie stood and smoothed her dress and apron. She pulled a hanky from her sleeve and dabbed her face for any errant tears. “Do you think Hollow gave up and left without me?”
“Let’s find out.”
They walked arm in arm to the front of the house, where Hollow and Seth stood talking in hushed voices. They turned their heads at the same time.
“Do not be alarmed,” Miriam said. “The Bontrager sisters are done bursting into tears for the rest of the day. Or, at least, we promise not to cry for the next hour.”
Hollow didn’t shed his troubled expression. “Don’t worry about coming to work today, Susie. It has been a bad few days for all of us. You need to rest.”
Susie lifted her chin and wiped her hand across her moist eyes. “I will be a mother soon, and I am going to stop acting like a baby right now. Let’s get to work.”
Hollow cracked a smile and motioned to the buggy. “Your ride is waiting.”
Susie stomped past him. “And I am perfectly able to walk to work from now on.”
“Oh no, you aren’t.”
They continued to contradict each other until Hollow helped Susie into the buggy, hopped in the other side, and guided the horse down the lane.
Miriam watched them down the road until, out of the corners of her eyes, she caught Seth staring at her.
She turned to him. “What?”
“I don’t know how I could have been so wrong about you, Miriam Bontrager. I wanted to believe that you were a certain type of person so I could tell myself you were not worth my time. The more I get to know you, the more I am ashamed of myself. You tried to shield your sister from what happened last night to protect her feelings. You are…”
Miriam’s breath caught. “What?”
Seth’s gaze met hers. “Astonishing.”
Miriam felt warmth pulse through her veins. After all the trouble today, the sensation was very pleasant indeed. “The terrible news needn’t hurt both of us.”
“I’ve never known someone as kind as you, except for maybe my mother.”
“Ach, Seth. I wish I were what you say. I have so many faults yet. As you said, I am a snob.”
“Nae, you are not.”
Miriam was ready to contradict Seth once again when Yost came out the front door. “Miriam, do you know where my pocketknife is?”
Miriam shook her head. “You are not allowed to have a pocketknife until probation is over.”
“That’s not true.”
“Jah, the officer told me.”
Yost scowled. “They won’t even let me use a pocketknife to whittle a stick? Who made that stupid rule?”
“I do not know who made it, but you must follow it.”
Yost stomped down the steps. “Where did you hide my pocketknife?”
“You will get it back when probation is over.”
Seth stepped forward and placed a brotherly hand on Yost’s shoulder. “Hello, Yost. How are you doing?”
Miriam knew Yost liked Seth okay, but he was in a surly mood. “How would you be doing if you were forced to sit in the house all day and listen to your little brothers whine and your sisters boss you around?”
“Miriam says you have done really well, even being cooped up.”
“I feel like I am going crazy,” Yost said.
Seth glanced at Miriam. “I have a group that meets every Tuesday night at my stable—just people who are going through hard times. We get together to talk about our problems and what we can do to solve them. You are invited to come, if you want.”
“Oh, that’s great,” said Yost, shrugging Seth’s hand off his shoulder. “Now you think I am crazy too.”
“Nae, not at all. We just talk.”
“The last thing I need is your pity.” Yost bounded up the steps in two long strides, escaped into the house, and slammed the door so hard, it made Miriam jump.
Seth stuffed his hands into his pockets. “I shouldn’t have said anything. He’s not ready. How could I be so deerich? I made things worse.”
“They can’t get any worse,” Miriam said. “It will take time with Yost. He is so angry yet.”
“I am sorry I interfered. I really came over today to deliver a message from Laura. She has picked the fabric she wants for her quilt, if you still feel up to helping her with it.”
“Of course. I want to help.”
“I am sorry about what happened last night. It upset me to see you so distressed.”
“I did not thank you properly for taking me away from there. I wouldn’t have been able to take a step on my own.”
“You are welcome. If there is anything I can do—”
“Will you take me to see the horses?”
“Jah, of course.”
Miriam took a deep breath. “But since the wedding is off, maybe neither of them is mine anymore.”
“Your dat made a down payment on a horse. He didn’t say you must marry to own it. Besides, two years is a long time.” He cleared his throat. “Maybe you will find someone else.”
Realization sucked all the wind out of Miriam’s lungs. “I won’t marry. How could I ever?” With that, she broke her recent promise, covered her face in her hands, and wept.
Chapter 18
Seth watched Miriam as she stood in the middle of the pasture and ran her fingers up and down the colt’s long nose. She had her other arm wrapped around the colt’s neck while she whispered and cooed at him. “You’re such a pretty, pretty boy.”
His silky chestnut ear twitched as if he understood every word.
It had been three weeks since Ephraim had made the biggest mistake Seth had ever seen in the history of mistakes by settling for Sarah Schwartz when he could have had Miriam Bontrager. But even though Ephraim had wounded Miriam deeply, Seth couldn’t be sad that Ephraim and Miriam were no longer together. Ephraim didn’t deserve her.
Funny how he used to think that Ephraim and Miriam were perfectly suited for each other.
She had come to see the foals almost every day after work since then except Sundays. She seemed better today. Or maybe Seth was wishing she seemed better today and his wishes made it so. He might be imagining that there was more color to her cheeks or
that the corners of her mouth didn’t constantly turn down into a frown.
Not that any of it marred her beauty. She was still as pretty as ever, with her lavender-blue eyes and hair the color of wheat fields in the glow of sunset. Seth could have stared at her all the day long and never grown tired. He felt his face get hot, quickly averted his eyes, and turned off the hose before it filled his boots with water. He mustn’t ever let his mind wander in that direction. That kind of foolish daydreaming would only get him into trouble. He tried not to look in her direction as he wound the hose onto the large spool hanging on the wall of his stable.
She came to see the horses. He was just the stable boy.
Before he knew she was coming, she stood by him. He couldn’t resist the urge to breathe in her scent. She smelled of vanilla and honey.
“The foals are growing so fast,” she said.
“They look forward to your visit every day.”
“I think I might choose the colt. He’s feisty, and he seems to like me.”
“Jah, he does.”
Miriam took her canvas bag off a hook on the side of the stable. “I am off to your house to help Laura finish her quilt top.”
“She’s been working every spare hour on that thing.”
“It is going to be beautiful. I didn’t know whether the green and pink would go well together, but they complement each other perfectly. I am glad she will have something from home at college.”
“Thank you for helping her.”
“No thanks necessary. Working on Laura’s quilt has helped me take my mind off my own troubles.”
Seth gave her a half smile. “I’m glad. I wish there was something more I could do.”
Miriam placed a hand on his arm.
He ignored his surging heartbeat.
“You listen to me even when I whine. And you don’t scold or tell me what I’m doing wrong. You are a true friend—one of the few I have.”
Seth tried not to burst with happiness. “You don’t whine.”
“Only a true friend would say that.”
Seth returned her grin. “Cum, I will walk with you to the road before I leave for my shift at the mill.”
Seth pointed to a spot near the main road close to the entrance to his property. “I am going to build a house right there, under the trees.”
“When?”
“As soon as I do the last summer cut of alfalfa, I will pour the foundation. There is a man in Madison who can give me a gute price, and Junior Herschberger says his work is quality. But I do not know how big to build it.”
“You will want room enough for a family. Even though it would be extra money, in a few years, you will be glad you spent it.”
Seth’s entire midsection did somersaults when Miriam talked about a family. He couldn’t help but think of the joy of having a family with a beautiful wife by his side.
Sunflowers and black-eyed Susans bloomed up against the fence that separated the alfalfa fields from the lane. Some sunflowers stretched almost six feet high. Seth reached up, snipped a large blossom from one of the stems, and handed it to Miriam. Her eyes danced, and she twirled the flower in her hand as they strolled down the path.
“I wish I could spend all day with the horses. They don’t have any problems that need fixing,” Miriam said.
“Trouble at home?”
Miriam threw back her head and growled. “Ach, Susie frets over what to do with her baby, and Yost can’t find a kind word for anybody. I thought that once house arrest ended he would cheer up—that things would go back to the way they were—but he is angrier than ever. What do you think I should do? I am at my wits’ end, and so are Mamm and Dat.”
She gave him that look of confidence that Seth always found unnerving. It boggled his mind that she trusted his judgment, when he didn’t feel like he knew anything about anything. He kept up a steady pace so she wouldn’t guess that his thoughts were a jumble.
Miriam failed to mention the thing that caused her the deepest personal pain, but Ephraim Neuenschwander was probably never far from her mind.
Seth stuffed his hands into his pockets. “You take care of so many other people. I hope you take care of yourself.”
She didn’t even have to think about that. “I come to see the horses every day when I should be tending to things at home. I am plenty selfish.”
“It doesn’t count if you feel guilty about it.”
“But I should feel guilty. I ought to spend more time with Yost. I ought to sit with Susie and help her decide what to do.”
“Does Yost want you to spend more time with him?”
Miriam breathed out a long sigh. “No.”
“It hurts when someone pushes you away. Yost must feel very unlovable.”
“When you train a horse, you don’t run at him to gain his trust,” Miriam said. “I try to hold back, to let him come to me. And I feed him good food. But I’m sure I am doing everything wrong.”
“Not likely.” Seth caught himself staring, redirected his eyes down the lane, and cleared his throat. Why did her skin have to be so flawless? “You are doing more good than you know. Like as not, Yost will have a rough time of it yet. Is he still friends with Joe Bieler?”
“Nae. The officer at the detention center said they could not see each other anymore, and Mamm and Dat talked to Joe’s parents about it. They all agreed it would be better to keep them apart. Dat keeps Yost closer to home now, although he still spends time with a few boys after work. I hope he finds new friends in the district, although I don’t know who would let their son associate with him. It is impossible to force anyone to be friends with him.”
“It doesn’t mean you love him more if you give yourself an ulcer worrying about him. Anxiety is not the same as love.”
Miriam slowed her step. “I suppose I think that if I worry myself to death, I can prove how much I love my family. I wish I were smart like you.”
“You are much smarter than me. Some days, I sleep in a barn.”
Smiling weakly, Miriam shook her head. “Ach, here I am, whining to you again. Have you grown tired of me yet?”
“I do not think that is possible.”
Out of the corners of his eyes, Seth saw three boys, two Amish and one Englisch, jump his fence at one end of the pasture and trample his alfalfa as they tromped through the field. His heart sank. He knew exactly who those boys were, and Miriam would be very unhappy if she caught sight of them. Seth didn’t mind people taking shortcuts across his land, but when they purposefully leveled his crops on more than one occasion, he knew they were doing more than looking for the shortest distance between two places.
Miriam didn’t notice them until she heard their loud laughter as they made their way across Seth’s field. She looked up and furrowed her brow. Seth couldn’t do anything to divert her attention. The damage had been done. She frowned as recognition registered on her face. “Is that Yost? Who…who is that Englisch boy?”
Seth remained mute and let her draw her own conclusions. Hopefully her assumptions wouldn’t be as unpleasant as the truth.
“Yost!” she called, but the boys either didn’t hear her or ignored her. She stared after them, her frown deepening as they stomped away. “That is Yost,” she murmured, “and Jonas, Mary Shetler’s boy.” Seth saw the distress grow on her expression as she watched them hop over the far fence and disappear into the Millers’ orchard.
She stood like a statue, her eyes riveted to the spot where Yost had passed through the trees. “They shouldn’t step through the alfalfa like that. They’ll damage your crop. Why would they want to damage your crop?”
Without warning, Miriam threw her arms around Seth’s neck and dissolved into a flood of tears. Tentatively, he wrapped his hands around her waist, his only thought to comfort her.
Ephraim Neuenschwander and Bishop Schwartz and even Miriam’s fater might have considered their touch improper, but when Miriam needed a shoulder so desperately, Seth couldn’t bring himself to pull away.
“No bark! Pookie, stop that barking!”
Pookie barked and barked at the door until Laura opened it and shooed the dog back. He gave up the fight when faced with opposition and padded his little feet to the kitchen before Miriam even stepped over the threshold.
Miriam smiled to herself. There were so few certainties in life, but she could always count on Pookie to bark at her no matter how many times she had been to the Lambright house. She felt honored, actually. Pookie still barked at Seth, and he had been a member of the family longer then Pookie had.
Laura’s smile faded as she studied Miriam’s face. “Oh Miriam. If this is a bad day, we can do it another time.”
Miriam couldn’t do anything about the red, puffy eyes that proclaimed she had been crying, but she forced the corners of her lips to curve up. “Nae, this is a gute time. You leave in a month, and we are so close.”
“You’ve been very kind to help me with this quilt, and I’ve been selfish,” Laura said. “I know how unhappy you are.”
Miriam took a deep breath and pushed the pain deeper into her heart. She didn’t need a reminder of the shambles that was her miserable life, and she wished Laura didn’t think that talking about Ephraim made her feel better.
Because it didn’t.
It poured salt into an open, festering wound.
“My mind is carefree when I’m quilting,” Miriam said, adding extra lilt to her voice so Laura would believe her sincerity. “You are helping me.”
That answer satisfied Laura. “Cum, I have a surprise for you.”
Ellie appeared in the front hall, tying her black bonnet under her chin. “Miriam, welcome to our home. I am sorry the floors are a mess, but Laura promised to mop later.”
Miriam smiled to herself. In all her visits to Lambrights’ home, she had never seen so much as a pin out of place. The sofa in the front room was brushed every time, and the propane lamps shone with a spit-shine polish.
The only room that seemed lived-in at all was Laura’s. Occasionally untidy but homey and comfortable, it felt like a haven in a sea of order, where Miriam could rest a hand on the table without worrying about leaving a smudge.
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