“Mother, I doubt Tristan feels the need to go to the offices today,” Maxen said. “The business can handle itself for one evening, and Tristan needs to be with Bria.”
“Master Jadis?” Tristan said when his mother’s expression didn’t change. “Would it be a problem for us to have the room for a moment?”
“Not at all, sir. Take as much time as you need.” Jadis nodded to the other healer, and they departed the room swiftly, pulling the door shut behind them.
With some reluctance, Tristan handed Bria to Etan carefully, trying not to wake her. He held his breath as Etan settled her against his own shoulder, but her delicate eyelids remained closed. He hadn’t wanted to give up the warm weight of her against his shoulder, not after being uncertain he’d ever feel it again, but he needed to talk to his mother and sister, and he preferred to do it without Bria in his arms. “Mother, I’m not giving Bria to you. I can’t even believe you would ask, just as I can’t believe Selene would try to get the healers to let her leave with Bria without me. Have neither of you thought of how this ordeal began?”
“It wasn’t our fault that Selene was kidnapped when she went to get the baby,” Mother said.
“No, but it’s her fault she was kidnapping Bria before she was taken herself. Her fault and yours. You say she went to get Bria as if it was all planned out that she would take her to you for a visit. But you weren’t thinking of it as a visit, and I never said you could take her from me.” Tristan stared at both of them hard. He couldn’t keep the flood of words inside. “You had no right—no right—to try to steal my daughter away from me. I can barely imagine your thinking it would be acceptable to do so even though I know you did it. How could you possibly think I would allow you to do this? How could you possibly believe I wouldn’t take her back from you immediately?”
Mother’s expression turned pleading. “Don’t you see? Can’t you see? You need help with her. Daughters need mothers to raise them, guide them into becoming proper young ladies, as I’ve done for your sister, so they can become good wives and mothers in turn. If you won’t marry a woman who can do that for your daughter, then at least allow me to raise her properly.”
“You and I have different opinions on what it means to raise my daughter properly, and what you fail to realize is that my opinion is the one that matters. Maybe she won’t want to be what you call a proper wife and mother, or maybe she will. Maybe she’ll run the company someday. Maybe she’ll do both. It’ll be her choice, though.” He struggled to contain his frustration, his rage, but he wasn’t sure he could, not now, not today. How many times did he have to have this discussion with his mother before she would understand? He wanted her to understand what he was saying, because he wanted Bria to have a grandmother to dote upon her. But he doubted that would ever happen. “She doesn’t need a woman to raise her. She has a father, and if you hadn’t persisted in trying to steal her away, she would have had you and Selene in her life as well. A grandmother to love her, an aunt to look up to. But that isn’t going to happen now. For the last time, I will not marry a woman to provide Bria with a mother and me with more children. I will not marry a woman at all. If I ever marry again, I’ll marry a man, and the reason I marry will be love.”
He froze as the words came out of his mouth; he shouldn’t have said them with Etan beside him and their future far from settled, but there was no taking them back. He pushed on. “And I am not giving you Bria to raise. I will raise my own daughter—I am perfectly capable of doing so—and I will raise her as I see fit, which may not be the way you would. I think our definitions of what a proper young lady could or should do differ. If you persist in telling me I can’t raise my own child, you won’t be able to see her any longer.”
Both Mother and Selene gasped, but Maxen nodded. Etan said nothing, only stayed close. Tristan could almost feel the support and love radiating off him. Not that he needed either Maxen’s or Etan’s approval to make this decision. What he was doing was necessary. “And neither of you will be left alone with her until I can trust again that you won’t try to take her from me.”
“Tristan! You can’t!” Selene gripped Mother’s arm as they cried out together. Mother continued speaking. “She is my granddaughter. I am the only female influence she has in her life. You can’t keep me from her.”
“He can, Mother,” Maxen said quietly, drawing their mother’s dismay and outrage onto himself.
“I’m her father. I can keep her away from anyone I please, and it is my duty to keep her from anyone who could cause her harm. You took her from her home without a word to me or her nursemaid or anyone, with the intention of keeping her away from me. You were wrong to take her. But we’re finished discussing it.”
“I think you’ve discussed it more than enough,” Maxen said. Tristan wasn’t sure if he was trying to lend his support or calm the situation down but let him speak anyway. “Bria is his daughter, and Tristan will decide how she’s raised and who can see her. I’m sure he won’t keep her from you, Mother, once you show him you’re content to leave her in her home.”
Mother glared at Maxen. “You’re not the head of this family. It’s not for you to make pronouncements.”
“No, I’m the head of this family,” Tristan said. “And I already told you how everything would be. Maxen kindly repeated it for you. I will decide how to raise Bria, and I will decide who sees her and who can remove her from my house. Enough of this, Mother.”
He’d kept his voice even the whole time, not because he didn’t want to yell and rage, but because he didn’t want to risk waking Bria. Nevertheless, his words finally seemed to have made some sort of impression on his mother. She lapsed into a silence that he wanted to believe was thoughtful, but he wasn’t that hopeful anymore, not when it came to his mother’s actions. He still couldn’t quite believe she and Selene had tried to take Bria in the first place, but he would never allow it to happen again. He’d taken long enough to realize that Bria’s place was with him, that he could be her father. Too long. He would never give her up.
“You haven’t even let me hold her,” Mother said quietly after a moment. “She was missing, and I was terrified. You’ve kept her to yourself and Lord Etan when all I want to do is hold my granddaughter and make sure she’s all right.”
“Maybe because I’m a little afraid you’ll try to run away with her.” He wished he was joking, but his words were the simple truth. “I know Etan won’t. He cares about her, and he’s been with me the entire time she was missing. He can hold her because I love him and I want him holding her.”
“You love him?” Mother’s voice was faint with surprise.
“I do.” He couldn’t tell how his mother felt about Tristan’s announcement of his feelings, but he didn’t honestly care; he didn’t know how Etan felt either, but that was something to think about at another time. “Now it’s time for you to leave.”
Before she could say anything else, Tristan turned to Maxen. “Will you escort Mother and Selene home?”
“Of course. I’ll come by later or in the morning to see you and Bria.” Maxen went to Mother and Selene and began to urge them gently to leave the room. “Let’s get you both home. I’m sure Selene is hungry and tired and dying for a bath.”
“I would like to rest, Mother,” Selene said when Mother resisted Maxen’s efforts. She glanced at Tristan and Bria in Etan’s arms, but she said nothing.
“Yes, of course you would. We’ll take you home and get you settled.” Mother shot one more unfathomable look at Tristan and then put an arm around Selene, the first time she’d touched her daughter since she arrived, probably because she was so focused on wresting Bria from his grasp. Mother left the room with Selene, Maxen following behind after he flashed a smile at Tristan.
Tristan sagged where he stood as exhaustion crashed into him. An argument with his mother on top of everything that happened over the last day—was it only a day?—was too much.
He jumped when a hand came to rest on his back
and then relaxed into Etan’s touch. Etan pressed a kiss to the side of his neck, and Tristan smiled.
“I think it’s time we get you and Bria home too,” Etan said, and Tristan could only nod. He was ready to go home, to take Bria home and get her settled there again. And sleep, he was ready for sleep. He thought he could sleep right here, but he wasn’t quite ready to take his eyes off Bria.
“Yes.”
He let Etan sweep them along, arranging for a carriage and leaving messages for Amory and Philip and Captain Loriot to inform them that Etan and Tristan were leaving. He let himself be bundled up into the carriage, Bria handed back to him so he could hold her during the trip and Etan could hold both of them. Etan said nothing of Tristan’s profession of love and mention of marriage, but he didn’t treat Tristan with anything except care either so Tristan assumed Etan wasn’t upset about what Tristan said. And anyway Tristan was too tired to worry. If Etan said something, he would deal with it.
Their carriage had an escort of royal guardsmen, and the trip through the winding streets of Jumelle went quickly. Tristan barely noticed the passage of time or anything outside the carriage windows. He relaxed into Etan’s hold and never took his eyes off Bria’s face. The all-consuming relief at her safe return to his arms had been pushed aside with his need to handle the situation with his mother, but it all rushed back now, leaving him wrung out and exhausted.
Etan helped him down from the carriage and supported him up the steps and into the house with an arm around his waist. Tristan would have rather kept Bria in his arms for the foreseeable future, but Etan convinced him to hand her over to her nursemaid to be bathed and fed. Once Sanna had taken Bria away, Etan ushered Tristan to his bedroom, ordering a bath be drawn for him and food be prepared as they went. On another day, Tristan might have objected. It was his house and his servants, his life even, and he didn’t need anyone to order it for him. Except maybe tonight, and only tonight, he did.
The bath worked tension out of his muscles that he hadn’t realized was there. Somehow he’d thought that as soon as he had Bria back in his arms, all his fear and worry would evaporate and take with it the physical reactions it caused. That hadn’t quite been what happened.
He didn’t think he could eat, but when Etan bundled him up in his dressing gown and sat him in front of a bowl of soup and crusty bread, he was suddenly hungry. He ate everything in front of him while Etan watched him from across the table and slowly ate his own meal. After he ate, Tristan insisted on going to see Bria, but he pushed Etan to take a bath of his own and relax. Etan agreed after a few moments of protest that he wouldn’t be a bother and would rather be with Tristan. But Etan had seen him through the worst day of his life and deserved a little relaxation. He should have told Etan to go home and get some rest himself, because he knew Etan hadn’t slept any more than he had last night, but he was too selfish. He wanted Etan with him tonight.
He dressed in comfortable clothes and left some for Etan to wear as well before leaving his bedchamber and walking down the hall to the nursery. Sanna was rocking Bria when he arrived, but she tensed up when the door opened, turning to put her body between him and the baby. When she realized Tristan was coming into the room, she turned bright red and stammered out an apology.
Tristan reassured her that she didn’t need to fret over her reaction and sent her off to pull herself together while he took over rocking Bria to sleep. She handed over Bria reluctantly and slowly left the room, looking back over her shoulder twice at the baby in his arms. He’d seen Sanna’s hands shaking, and while he didn’t blame her for her reaction, he knew it could be a problem. He also knew the reaction was inevitable.
Chapter 18
WHEN ETAN let himself into the nursery a while later, Bria was asleep and Tristan stood over her crib. He forced himself to relax the grip he’d taken on the crib rail when he heard the door open. He was just as nervous as Bria’s nursemaid. Etan stepped up next to him, close enough that their shoulders brushed.
“She’s all right?” Etan asked in a whisper.
He nodded. “Fine. Ate and went to sleep with no trouble.”
“That’s good.”
They fell silent and watched Bria sleep. Tristan’s gaze traced each of her features—the pale wings of her eyebrows, the little button of her nose, the perfect rosebud of her mouth, the tiny fingers gripping her stuffed puppy—reminding himself of them, though he never could have forgotten one detail of her face.
“I didn’t want to put her down.” Tristan didn’t realize he spoke the thought out loud until Etan put his arm around Tristan’s shoulders. He sighed and leaned into Etan. “I rocked her to sleep, but it took me far too long to put her down after. I wanted to keep holding her, because if I’m holding her, if I’m watching her, nothing bad can happen to her. She can’t disappear again.”
“It’s perfectly understandable that you feel that way. You’ve only just gotten her back. It’s going to take a while before you stop feeling scared of leaving her in someone else’s care.”
“Especially since my sister was the one who took her from the house.”
“But she didn’t have anything to do with the kidnapping. If your sister had succeeded, you would have gone to your mother’s house, had it out with them then, and taken Bria back.”
“She had nothing to do with the second kidnapping, you mean.” He shook his head. He’d argued with his mother and sister for long enough today. He didn’t want to retread the whole thing with Etan. “I’m tempted to have her sleep in my bedchamber tonight, or to sleep in the nursery with her. I don’t know if I’m ever going to feel comfortable leaving her. I can’t imagine a time when I will.”
“You will. I don’t know how long it will take, but you will. Don’t rush yourself.” Etan kissed his temple. “It’s been a very difficult couple of days. Take the time you need to realize she’s home and she’s all right. The rest will come.”
Tristan nodded. Etan made sense. The time Bria was missing felt like weeks, and he had a hard time convincing himself it hadn’t been that long. “I’ll try.”
They both jumped and turned at the soft knock to the nursery door. Tristan shook his head. “I doubt anyone coming to steal her away would knock.”
“Probably not.” Etan went to the door and opened it, revealing a maid who bobbed a curtsy.
“My lord, sir, Captain Loriot is here to see you.”
“Thank you,” Tristan said. “We’ll be down in a moment. Please have refreshments brought to the captain.”
Etan turned back to him when the maid left. “I asked him to come here to talk to you. I want to hear what happened, and I know you do, but you needed to be home.”
He’d thought he’d feel better at home, but he didn’t. He looked down at Bria, sleeping peacefully in her crib, unaware of her father’s turmoil.
Etan stepped close again and took Tristan’s hand. “I can talk to him by myself if you’d rather stay up here. I’ll tell you everything he says.”
Etan would, with no complaint, because he did understand how Tristan felt and he wanted to make everything easier for Tristan. But Tristan needed to hear what Captain Loriot said, needed to make sure the captain told him everything he knew. “No, I’m being ridiculous. I’ll come down with you.”
“I don’t think Captain Loriot would blame you. I wouldn’t.”
Tristan squeezed Etan’s hand. “Thank you, but I’ll come down. I have to leave her sometime, and leaving her asleep in her nursery with her nursemaid in the next room seems to be a safe time.”
“The dog is guarding her too.” Etan gestured to Indigo lying half-under the crib.
“He is, but he’s going to do it from outside while she’s sleeping.” Tristan urged the dog up and out of the nursery door. Etan followed them out and closed the door. Indigo immediately curled up in front of it. “He isn’t even growling at you.”
“He must be very worried about her too.”
“At least she’ll have a vigilant guard.�
�� Tristan pushed aside the dog’s puzzling behavior toward Etan to think about another day, and walked with him down the corridor to the stairs. Etan didn’t take his hand again, but they walked close together so Tristan couldn’t miss the physical connection. Captain Loriot waited for them in the parlor. He was sitting but stood as they entered the room. A tray of fruit, cheese, and bread sat on the table, but he hadn’t touched it.
“Good evening, Captain.”
“Good evening, Master Tristan, my lord.” Captain Loriot bowed.
“I’m sure you have much to tell us, but please, help yourself to something to eat first.” Tristan wanted to demand answers and information, but Captain Loriot had probably gotten less sleep and food in the last day than he had—the dark circles under the man’s eyes attested to that—and the presence of Bria safe in her bed allowed Tristan to gather the scraps of his patience and have compassion for Captain Loriot.
“I couldn’t.”
“Please do. Sit, eat. You must be tired, and it’s the least I can do. You found my daughter and brought her home,” Tristan said. Etan was already pouring wine for the three of them.
Captain Loriot gave in and made a plate for himself as Etan and Tristan sat on the couch. The captain sat in a chair across from them and balanced his plate on his knee. Tristan sipped his wine as he allowed Captain Loriot to begin eating.
“Jadis said your daughter and sister are both fine,” Captain Loriot said, breaking the silence.
“Yes, they are. Thanks to you and Master Savarin.”
“And Lord Etan’s friend.” Captain Loriot looked at Etan. “Savarin wants to speak with him. He’s, uh, intrigued by the magic he performed.”
Captain Loriot put an odd inflection on intrigued, but Tristan could understand why. From the short experience he’d had with Savarin, he could see the man was zealous when it came to magic.
“Corentin is a visiting scholar at the university. I’m sure he would speak to Savarin, if only to satisfy another scholar’s curiosity,” Etan said.
The Scholar's Heart (Chronicles of Tournai Book 3) Page 30
