“Marian, I didn’t mean to—”
“What, Kate? What didn’t you mean to do?” She came toward her, the broom still in her hand. “You’ve done nothing more than ask my advice, and I’m trying to help you. If this man wants to find his mother, there’s nothing you or I can do to stop him, but you need to arm him. He has to understand his face might remind her of a past she’d rather forget. God knows, life is not full of roses and sunshine. You only have to look at half the folks in this town to know that.”
Kate bowed her head, her heart hurting to see such pain in Marian’s eyes. “I understand.”
“Do you?” Marian’s voice softened, and she touched Kate’s chin and lifted her face. A single tear slid down Marian’s cheek. “That woman might have wanted that child more than she wanted anything in the world, but something about him, something about his conception might have made that impossible. The man needs to be prepared to hear things he might not like. That’s all I’m saying.” Marian released Kate’s chin and smiled softly. “Now go. Get out of here before my George comes to pick me up and sees me all bent out of shape.” She smiled. “You know the man likes me straight-backed and happy, right?”
Kate forced a small smile. “Right.”
“Then off you go. I’ve told you all I can. What you tell this young man about his search is up to you. Good night, sweetheart.”
“Good night...” Kate blinked back her tears. “I love you, you know.”
Marian laughed and swiped her fingers under her eyes a second time. “Yeah, you and all the rest of this town. I love you, too. Now get out of here.”
Kate hesitated and then hugged her, Marian’s back pressed firmly to Kate’s chest. “I’d be lost without you, you know.”
Marian patted Kate’s hand. “I know.”
Kate released Marian and walked outside, grateful for the falling snow camouflaging her tears. Marian had mentioned difficult circumstances. Had something horrible happened to her friend?
Crossing the street, she walked to the promenade railing and stared out toward the dark ocean. How did she even begin to suggest to Mac what she suspected might have happened to Marian? Something heinous that no one in the Cove knew about. Something that maybe they should never know.
* * *
SITTING IN HIS room above the Coast, Mac leaned over his guitar toward the notebook on his bed. He whipped the pen from between his teeth, marked a few notes, stuck the pen back in his mouth and strummed through them again. Rubbish. Complete and utter rubbish. Laying the guitar on the bed, he picked up the notebook and flipped a page to the lyrics he’d written in a frenzied rush the night before.
They spoke of falling in love, heartache, risk, pain and the joyous rewards of finding that special someone. They also spoke of a man stripping himself bare in front of a woman. Laying his demons at her feet and praying she still loved him.
Uncertainty and fear rolled through his chest. No matter how much he wanted to explore a relationship with Kate, he couldn’t shake the irrational notion of something happening to her as it had to Jilly. He knew everyone worried about losing a loved one suddenly and senselessly, but for him, the terrifying nightmare had become his reality.
The tentative steps he’d made toward loving Kate scared the hell out of him.
He’d made love to her, held her, kissed her and adored her, but thinking past the physical into the emotional sent chills through him. It was neither right nor fair to Kate to keep anything back if they wanted to make a go of their relationship, but he had no idea how to destroy the imagined horrors that stopped him from risking his heart.
Glancing at the wall clock above the small corner desk, Mac took a deep breath.
Eight thirty.
If Kate had gone through with her plan to catch Marian as she closed the bakery, he would’ve expected to have heard from her by now. He’d contemplated calling her but decided it would be best for Kate to return to him in her own time.
Impatient to talk to her, he put his guitar on the bed and walked to the window. A light covering of snow had turned his view of Templeton into a wintery paradise, but that was an illusion. The Cove was full of the same hurts and disappointments as any other town. Except Templeton had caught him in a mystifying snare, and Mac was no longer sure he wanted to escape.
He swung away at a tentative knock.
Praying Kate stood on the other side, he opened the door. He relaxed his shoulders. “Hey.”
“Hey.” Kate held his gaze for a moment before brushing past him into the room.
Her complexion was paler than usual, her beautiful dark brown eyes shaded with misery. The light gray shadows under her eyes and the tightness of her lips showed all too clearly that whatever had happened at the bakery, it hadn’t been good.
She stopped dead center in the room, her arms crossed.
He cleared his throat. “You okay?”
She shook her head.
Unsure whether she wanted him to hold her, he made the choice to do so. Stepping toward her, Mac opened his arms. She exhaled and rushed toward him, her arms coming tightly around his waist, her head on his chest. “Oh, Mac.”
Oh, Mac? He swallowed. What did that mean? Had things gone that badly with Marian?
He pressed his lips to her hair and tightened his arms around her. “What happened?”
An oppressive silence filled the room as he stared toward the window. A coldness swept through him, and he mentally rebuilt the armor around his heart that Kate had helped eased away, plate by plate. Now, he sensed bad news was coming. Something he wouldn’t want to hear.
He lifted his chin and gently leaned back. “Tell me.”
Her eyes searched his before she moved from his embrace. She walked to the window and stared into the distance before abruptly turning. “Something happened to Marian to make her give your father up for adoption. Something I’m not sure we should make her relive. Not when she’s so happy with George. So happy in the Cove. It wouldn’t be right. I know she listed her name to be contacted by her son if he came looking for her, but that was years ago. Maybe she changed her mind and forgot to take her name off the register.”
Mac felt himself go rigid. “Something bad as in what?”
“I don’t know. She didn’t tell me, but that doesn’t mean I couldn’t read between the lines to know something’s there. Our conversation sent Marian into a tailspin. She paled right in front of me. Her words spilled from her mouth at ninety miles an hour.”
“What words?” He took her elbow, gently leading her to the bed. “Sit down and tell me what she said.”
She slowly lowered to the bed and curled her fingers over the edges, her knuckles white. “I’ve been grappling for an hour with how to tell you, and, now I’m here, I still don’t know.” Her eyes glinted with tears.
“Kate, I’m a big boy. Whatever it is, I’ll handle it.”
“Okay.” She exhaled a shaky breath. “I’m scared your dad might have been the product of a sexual assault.”
“What?” Mac sucked in a breath, his hands curling into fists as he stared at her. “Are you sure?”
A tear slipped over her lashes and she swiped at it. “I don’t know. If not that, then maybe Marian was in an abusive relationship that I’m guessing she wanted her baby to be no part of. She asked me what the son wanted from his mother. What he expected. Then it was as though a switch flipped inside her, and she started saying things about circumstances around a child’s conception. What if the son’s face reminds his mother of a time she doesn’t want to revisit? If Marian wasn’t abused, maybe her partner cheated on her. Or she was in love with a married man who refused to leave his wife. I don’t know, but I do know, I’ve never seen her so wretched before. Not ever.”
The breath left Mac’s lungs, and he sank down on the bed beside her as sickness gripped his stomach. She rubbed her hand over his back
as he leaned forward to rest his forearms on his thighs. He stared at the tattoos on his arms. The artwork served as a constant reminder of the dark and horrible places people were forced to go, to live in and, hopefully, survive. He’d commissioned these tattoos when he’d been angry, confused and uncertain of how to crawl out of his black hole after Jilly’s death.
Lately, the markings had become almost invisible to him. He knew they were there, but their symbolism meant survival and hope for a brighter future.
But now, the darkness was back.
He raised his head and met Kate’s concerned gaze. “If there’s a chance my dad was the product of abuse, I won’t bring that memory back to Marian, and I won’t bring that kind of burden into my family.”
“Of course not. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone. If it’s true, it won’t be fair to you, either.”
He shook his head, tears burning behind his eyes. “My mother asked me not to dig any deeper, said the same thing to my father as though she predicted something like this resurfacing. Why the hell didn’t I listen to her?” He stood and paced the room, his shock turning to anger. “I never should’ve come here. I never should’ve started all this. Mum was right. Dad’s search should’ve ended when Dad died, but I pursued it through my own selfish anger. To vent everything bad that had happened in my life. Not Dad’s. Not Marian’s.”
“Maybe, but it’s good that you tried to reconnect with your grandmother rather than sever all contact the way I did with Ali. Don’t you see your choices were so much braver than mine? You forged ahead, despite knowing things might turn out badly. I, on the other hand, turned my back and tried to forget Ali and Dean’s betrayal ever happened.” Her voice cracked. “I tried to forget my miscarriage. How is your way of dealing with things worse than mine? You said before that I taught you about intention. Well, you’ve taught me about courage. We’re even.”
“Even?” He huffed a laugh, not wanting her to comfort or protect him from himself. “We are not even, Kate. You’ve given me hope of a better future. I’ve given you nothing but worry and pain for a woman you’ve known for years. We’re not even.” He stalked to the door. “You should go. If Marian was hurt by whoever fathered her son...” He shook his head. “I will not call that son of a bitch my grandfather. I need to leave. I need to be far, far away from here where Marian never has to know me or Dana.”
“But that’s not fair to Marian.”
The hurt in her eyes slashed at his heart, but he hardened his resolve. “None of this is fair, but it’s how it is.”
“By leaving, by not speaking to Marian, you’re taking her choice away. You can’t look anything like your father’s father or she would’ve reacted to you way differently than she has. Maybe your father didn’t resemble him either. You’ve said yourself, you see your dad in Marian.”
He trembled as he opened the door. “Please, Kate. Let me go.”
He stared into the corridor, listening to the rustle and scrape of her gathering her purse and rising from the bed. Her footsteps came closer until she stopped beside him.
She touched his arm. “I’ll go, but I don’t agree with you not speaking with Marian. She deserves to know you and your family exist. I’ll have to tell her. How can I not?”
“I know, but it will be a lot kinder to her having it come from you and not forcing her to look at me, my father’s son.” His chest aching, he dropped his study to her mouth. “You’re an amazing woman. Don’t ever be with anyone who treats you as anything less than a queen.” He lifted his gaze. “Do you hear me?”
She nodded, her eyes shining. “Then you go on and be somebody’s king. For me.”
He turned away from her, unable to bear looking into her eyes for another moment and not surrender to the deep need to kiss her, hold her, make love to her one more time. She walked out the door, and Mac firmly closed it behind her, his chest burning with loss.
Chapter Nineteen
KATE TOOK A bite of her seafood linguini and, instead of groaning in satisfaction as she usually did at the Seascape, she had to force the food down. Lowering her knife and fork, she picked up her water and looked at Izzy, who sat across the table. “It’s no good. I can’t go on like this.”
“Can’t go on like what?”
“Keeping what I know from Marian. Wondering if Mac is going to show up again. My nerves are shot to pieces.”
“So, what are you going to do? Mac’s been gone for a week now, and you’ve heard nothing from him.” Izzy’s gaze was sympathetic. “I hate to say it, but I think you’re going to have to accept you’re unlikely to see him again.”
Kate’s chest ached with sadness. “You’re probably right, but I won’t keep his existence from Marian. I can’t even go into the bakery. I feel as though one look at me and she’ll know the last time I was in there talking about a supposedly hypothetical adoption case I was actually talking about hers.”
“Don’t you think she might’ve guessed that already, seeing as you’re usually in the bakery on a daily basis?”
“Probably.” Kate jabbed her fork into her food and pushed it around her plate. “I need to say something to her, Iz. This secrecy is eating me up.”
“Then tell her. I know I’d have to.”
Kate sighed. “I’ll have to tell her everything. That Mac was in town looking for his biological grandmother. That he already knew she lived in Templeton, but had no idea how to broach the subject with her, or even if he should.” She took a deep breath and exhaled. “Then he decided it was better to leave things be, but as I knew what was going on, I wasn’t comfortable keeping it from her. There, simple.”
Izzy shook her head, took a bite of her pizza and swallowed. “Nothing about this is simple. Nothing about Marian is simple. If your theory that something horrendous happened to her is correct, you have to be prepared for the fallout.”
“This is so damn hard.” Kate swapped her water for her wine and took a strengthening gulp. “The pain in Mac’s and Marian’s eyes is haunting me. I have to do something to bring closure for both of them. I could tell when I spoke to her that Marian is far from over what happened to her. I’m not even sure she’s come to terms with giving up her baby. She loves everyone. Will do anything for everyone. How hard must it have been for her to give up her child?” Tears clogged her throat and Kate swallowed. “It isn’t right that there’s a family out there she knows nothing about. She’s already lost the chance to ever know her son.” Kate looked at her watch. “She’ll be closing up now. It’s past six thirty.” She met Izzy’s gaze. “There’s no time like the present, right?”
“And what about Mac?”
“What about him?” Kate grabbed her wallet out of her purse. “He’s gone. It’s over. I have to do right by Marian now.”
“And if Mac comes back? What then?”
Kate’s heart beat faster as she put her wallet on the table. “Then nothing. I made it clear I wouldn’t keep this from Marian. If he hates me for telling her?” She shrugged. “So be it. I told him how much Marian means to me. God, I told him how much he means to me.” She pulled back her shoulders. “And he walked away anyway.”
Izzy stared at her, her expression inscrutable.
Kate frowned. “What?”
“I’m just worried, that’s all.”
“I know you are. So am I.”
“Don’t you think Mac’s reasons for keeping this new information from his family are valid? I’m not sure I wouldn’t do the same, considering all the time that’s passed.”
“So you think telling Marian that Mac is her grandson is the wrong thing to do?”
“I didn’t say that. You have to tell her. It’s just going to be incredibly hard, and I think afterward, things are going to be even harder. At least, for a while.”
Kate shook her head, tears in her eyes. “I really thought I was starting to get things in order.” She picked u
p her glass of wine and drained it. “I’m talking to Ali again. I’m even going to help with her wedding arrangements.”
The concern left Izzy’s eyes, and she smiled. “Well, that’s fantastic. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I’ve had all this going on with Mac. I’ll be going to see Ali in the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, when we’re together, we can finally both move on.”
Izzy picked up her water. “That’s great.”
Kate slipped a twenty on to the table. “Do you mind settling the bill? Now I’ve built up the courage to speak to Marian, I need to see her before I change my mind.”
“Sure.”
Kate stood. “She deserves to know she has a family out there. What she does about that is up to her, but my conscience will be clear.” Kate held Izzy’s doubtful gaze. “What now?”
“Nothing. I just care about you. I don’t want Marian or Mac to hold you culpable for whatever happens next.”
“Everything will be okay.” Kate pulled on her coat and smiled softly. “Thanks for being here for me, Iz.” Kate squeezed her friend’s shoulder. “I’ll call you later.”
“Make sure you do. I won’t be able to sleep until I know how it went.”
Kate nodded before heading for the restaurant door.
Outside, snow fell softly, a light wind making Kate step up her pace. Nerves jumped in her stomach and her mouth felt as though it were full of sand from Cowden beach, but she had to go through with talking to Marian.
In the week since Mac had left the Cove, her work had suffered, her appetite and her sleep drastically reduced. She missed him with a depth that was ridiculous considering the time they’d known one another. But her emptiness only served to emphasize her belief in what they could’ve had. She had been so independent, so unconcerned about men and relationships since Dean’s betrayal, but Mac had made her want to take a risk again...to feel again.
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