Oh, god. She killed me with those words.
She looked lost and sad. I pulled her back onto my lap and locked her tight in the circle of my arms. I rocked her a bit, kissing the top of her head. I knew something about blaming myself for things that were beyond my control.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that, Grace. You saw what he wanted you to see, and who knows, he probably had real feelings for you. I'm not sure how anyone couldn't. That's why you have lines of men wanting to date you."
It was time to go for broke. I pulled back to look her directly. "I know I got out of line, but I'm asking to cut back in. I want you, Grace. I heard what you said about not going into a relationship knowing it would be short term. I know you deserve someone better than me and my past. But for the first time, I want to go into a relationship wide open."
"Are you saying you want me?" Her eyes were shiny, I hoped with happiness.
"Yes, Grace, I am. That was never the question."
"And you're willing to try something different with me?"
"I'm saying I'm all in. I'm not sure I know how to be more for you, but..."
This time it was Grace who held my face in her hands. Her blue eyes bore into mine. "Then let me be more for you. "
In that moment, I saw everything in her eyes: fear, determination, hope, and most of all sincerity.
And just like that, with only a few words, any doubts I had were swept away. Much of my life had been about trying to be what someone else needed: trying to be the son that would make my dad proud, to be the boy who held my family together at any cost, then the young man who tried to bear his burdens and demons alone. The cost had been great, but I'd been willing to pay it. Maybe I'd even felt obligated in some way to do so.
Now there was this beautiful woman, who not only didn't ask anything of me other than to be myself but wanted to give herself to me. Me, the broken man that I am. Not because of my success or money. In fact, I couldn't think of any reason why she'd want me. But she did. And selfish bastard that I was wanted her more than anything I'd ever wanted before.
Something inside me cracked. Maybe it was the layers of assiness she said I have started to crumble. But it didn't matter because Grace filled those cracks, and for the first time in a very long time, I felt whole again.
22
Grace
He fell forward on the couch pinning me beneath him. Each of us continued to hold on to the other as if we were afraid we'd evaporate if we let go, taking our newfound relationship with it.
"God, Grace, you're amazing." He lay still, staring at me. And for once, I was made speechless by the look of wonder I saw reflecting back at me. I smiled and pulled his head to mine. This was unlike me, being bold and moving this fast. But nothing about our relationship had been like me, and truthfully, I liked it. I'd only known him about a month. We'd never even been on a date. Maybe we'd sorted through some of our issues early on. Maybe I just felt freer to be who I wanted with him. Regardless, I knew that being here with him felt right.
I shifted beneath him. The new space allowed his hand to slide under my shirt. His warm fingers slid upward until to the edge of my bra. His thumb glided over the satin material covering the underside of my breast, causing me to suck in a breath at the sensation his touch evoked.
"Is this okay?" he whispered, lifting his head.
Never taking my eyes from his, I lifted my shirt giving my full approval to continue. His eyes dipped to the satin covered skin and watched as I captured his hand and moved it until it fully covered my breast. I closed my eyes when he gave an experimental squeeze. My nipple tightened in response, and I arched closer, seeking more of his touch.
"Jax!" I half whimpered, half groaned.
I jerked slightly and opened my eyes when I felt his tongue skim my naval. Fascinated, I watched as his mouth started at my stomach and kissed its way to my sternum, veering so he could close his mouth around my other breast, nipping my skin through the thin material of my bra. I practically came off the couch. Instinctively, my fingers closed around his head, holding him close.
"You like that, don't you? Do you want more?" he mumbled against my flesh.
"Mmhmm."
He pulled the stretchy material of my bra down, freeing both breasts. Without any thought, I squirmed beneath him until he moved to the other side, teasing the aroused bud with his tongue, gliding it all around the taught skin before engulfing the entire peak in his mouth. I nearly went out of my mind with pleasure.
Gasping, I busied my hands with tugging at his shirt until it was free of his jeans. He paused long enough to pull it over his head, then covered my chest with his own. I reveled in the feel of skin on skin. He rolled to his side and pulled one of my legs so that it rested on his thigh, allowing his pelvis to settle against mine. He bucked gently.
"Oh, holy wow!"
I could feel his hardness straining against his pants as his hand cupped my backside and held me as he rocked against me. My blood rose to feverish heights as desire I'd never experienced surfaced. He continued to skillfully knead and rock me, building up such a need that I'd no choice but to yield to it when it came, quivering with satisfaction and awe. Vaguely, I heard him murmuring my name as his arms came around me, holding me tight, keeping me whole when I felt like I might have otherwise splintered apart.
Oh, holy crap! I didn't know it was possible for that to happen so easily. So quickly. So not naked.
I didn't have a lot of experience with sex, but enough to know it had always taken more effort to get me off if it happened at all. And with a few kisses and caresses with Jax, I was ready to go! Nor had I ever allowed kissing to go that far so fast. I buried my head into his chest, embarrassed beyond words over what had just happened. He'd told me his past relationships were mostly about sex, and I'm sure those women were far more practiced and in control than to let it happen that fast. Or that solo.
"Hey." He pulled my bra back into place and tugged my shirt down. I felt his fingers try to lift my chin, but I was too mortified to look at him. "Grace, look at me."
I shook my head. Like the little kid who thinks if they hide their head under the covers everything will disappear, I hoped he'd drop the issue.
He cradled me tighter. I could feel his chest rumble as he continued to talk. "I want you to listen to me." I felt him kiss the top of my head, and then his fingers stroked my hair. "Don't be embarrassed. I love that you're responsive to my touch. It's a real turn-on. I can't wait to see more of that."
My head shot up. "You're not upset?"
He looked truly puzzled. "Why would I be upset?"
My face felt firetruck red. I almost never talked about sex with anyone, much less the person I'd had sex with. Well, other than maybe exaggerating or outright lying about the experience, that is.
"Um, because you didn't get anything out of it? I'm so sorry, Jax. That was so not like me. I mean, I'm not a virgin, but I don't usually have that reaction. It usually takes more to...oh, my god...I can't believe I told you that. It's just this...you're used to...I know I'm different..."
Strong but gentle hands pulled mine away from my face, and he looked me right in the eyes. "You're right. You are different. If you were the same, I'd be pounding you into the couch right now, then thinking of ways to show you the door and get you to leave. Instead, I'm thinking of all the excuses I can to get you to stay." He grinned a little wickedly. "And all the ways I want to get you to come. In the future, that is. Remember, this is new for me, too. I want to take it slow."
I tilted my head to look at him. "I practically mauled you like a bear."
He chuckled. "If that's how a bear mauls, I should spend more time camping in the mountains."
I smacked playfully against his chest, then dropped my eyes downward. "Are you okay down there? Maybe I could—"
He smiled ruefully. "If you don't look at it or talk about it, I'll recover."
I couldn't believe he was turning down an opportunity for relief.
; He must have known what I was thinking because he shook his head. "It's my greatest desire we get there, Grace. Hopefully, soon. But if we go any further tonight, it won't mean more, at least not to me."
He shrugged, and I knew he was trying to say: he wanted to treat me differently from other women, that I was more to him than just a warm place to bury his dick. I think I might have fallen even further for him at that moment.
I still worried about this sudden shift for us. Earlier today he was scowling or ignoring me, and I was determined to get him out of my mind. By nightfall, he'd changed his mind about us, gotten into a fight over me, and given me an orgasm on his couch.
And I'd let him.
I believed him when he said he wanted more. But if he was inspired to change based on fear, what would it be that spooked him to give up on us just as quick? I wasn't naive enough to believe we were ready to pledge a happily ever after to each other, but I was scared that this would be short-lived, and my heart would be the collateral damage.
He shifted me from him but kept me by his side. I looked at him, and he was smiling down on me with a different look than I'd seen in his eyes before. I'd seen intensity, anger, humor. But this was different, more like contentment mixed with bewilderment.
It wasn't so different than how I was feeling. Together, hopefully, we'd figure this out.
Deciding to go with wherever this took us and to enjoy our new peace, I curled into Jax's side. We decided to watch a movie together, both of us opting for a recently released popular action and suspense movie. I was grateful to avoid anything with romantic elements; I knew it would only take another kiss like the last one, and I'd fall right back to where we'd started.
It was a loud movie, full of explosions, cursing, and a lot of shouting. I snuggled into Jax's warmth, tired from the events of the day—physically, mentally, and emotionally. Despite the noise, I felt my eyes grow heavy. On screen, I heard a man called out as if his life depended on it. "No! Don't! Stop!" The man's cries sounded more like begging.
I felt a sudden jerk under my cheek, and my eyes flew open. The movie was over. At some point, Jax must have turned off the tv, and he and I had fallen asleep on his couch.
He twitched beneath me, moaning. “Stop! Please!”
"Jax?" He stilled for a few seconds, then cried out again. "Jax, honey, wake up." I stroked his face, trying to ease him into wakefulness.
His hand caught mine and jerked it away from his face. "Get the fuck off," he roared. He threw his weight sideways, dumping me onto the floor. I cringed as the coffee table caught my elbow and the side of my face.
I laid there, stunned. "Jax?"
Suddenly he sat up, blinking repeatedly. His chest heaved as he looked around with a confused expression. When his eyes landed on me on the floor, his mouth dropped open. "Grace? What happened?"
I struggled to my knees. "You were having a nightmare. You were calling out in your sleep, and I had a tough time waking you."
He rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his hands over his face. He blew out a long breath, then looked at me more carefully, his eyes widening as he stared at me. "How did that happen?" His fingers brushed across my cheekbone.
I couldn't keep from flinching from the ache. "I fell off the couch and bumped my head."
He stared hard at me. "You didn't fall, did you?"
I hated the look of despair in his eyes. I caught his fingers in mine.
"We must have fallen asleep. You must have had a nightmare from the yelling that was happening in the movie. You were jerking around a lot, and I slid to the floor."
"I forced you, you mean. I remember pushing at someone in my dream."
I couldn't deny it, so I kept my eyes on his chest.
"Oh, god, baby! I'm so sorry. You know I'd never hurt you intentionally, right?" He pulled me onto his lap and kissed the tender spot on my cheek. "I'm so sorry."
I turned my head, so our lips met. "I'm fine. Must have been some dream, though."
"Mm. Must have been the movie."
He kissed me again so sweetly I thought I'd melt.
"I guess we ended up spending the night together after all. Really, Ms. Hart, I'm not sure what kind of guy you think I am."
I giggled and savored a few more of his kisses. "What time is it, anyway?" I finally asked.
He glanced at his watch and seemed surprised. "A little after seven." He beamed at me. "I never sleep this late. You're either very good or very bad for me."
"Seven!" I scrambled to my feet and started searching for my shoes and purse. "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! I can't believe I stayed the whole night. I need to get going soon. I have to be at church in a couple of hours."
"I'll take you home in a few minutes. But first come here."
I came to stand within the circle of his arms. He pulled me close and peered down at me. "I'm glad you were here with me last night. Thank you for giving me a chance. I'm sorry you had such a violent wakeup call.”
I lifted up on my toes to kiss him.
"You can't help what you dream, right? But I'm glad you found me last night."
He scowled. "When I saw that asshole with his hands on you, being so disrespectful, I saw red. He's lucky I only hit him once."
"You do realize the irony of that, don't you? You kissed me without knowing my name, not to mention how you spoke to me the first time in your office?" I stated wryly.
He smirked. "Totally different. In that case, I was the asshole, and I'd wanted to put my hands all over you since I saw you float down the aisle at Derek's wedding."
"Oh," I answered smugly. "That's totally different."
He tapped me on the nose. "Glad you agree."
He held my hand the entire trip to my apartment. And once we got there, he came around to meet me as soon as I got out of the car to walk me to my door. I wished it wasn't Sunday morning, or that no one would notice if I didn't show up at church. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him.
"Would you like to come in? I could make some coffee?"
Jax shook his head. "As much as I'd like to, I'd better not. I'm afraid you'd end up late, and I doubt your dad would be happy about that. Can I see you later, though?"
As if on cue, my phone rang. Jax cringed as he recognized the ringtone. "How does he do that?" He shook his head while I answered.
"Hi, Daddy." I did my best to make my voice sound casual and not the breathless way I was feeling standing here with Jax. We spoke only a couple of minutes before I ended the call.
"A couple of Sunday School teachers called out. He needs me to fill in, so I have to go early." I held back asking him to come along. I didn't want to appear clingy, and I knew Jax well enough by now that if he wanted to come, he would have already said so.
"Go. Earn your halo." He grinned and kissed me again. It was sweet and tame, but neither of us seemed to be the one who wanted to pull away first.
"Well, well. Isn't this interesting!"
We both jumped at the intrusion and turned toward the voice that came from behind Jax.
"Jade! What are you doing here?" My friend stood a few feet away dressed in a black and white checked rockabilly dress and pearls. She might have looked a little like June Cleaver if it wasn't for the combat-style boots she had on and the tattoos that were barely visible beneath the sleeves. I knew if I tried to pull off that look, I'd look like a thrift store nightmare, but somehow, she managed it.
Her green eyes flashed with mischievousness. "I thought I'd check on you and make sure you were okay after last night. Plus, your dad called and asked if I would mind filling in at the piano. Apparently, the organist is sick. Seems there's something going around that comes quickly. I thought we could grab breakfast before you went to church, but it appears you've already had something to eat." There was nothing discreet the way she ran her eyes over Jax's impressive stature.
I rolled my eyes and turned my head toward Jax. "Believe it or not, despite her appearance and behavior, she's a classically trained pianist."
/>
"Those horrible choir robes will make me conform, don't worry." Jade stepped closer and leaned in toward me. "Guess things are working out." She raked her eyes over Jax. "Damn, I should have gone to his office myself. You really owe me," she mumbled. I acknowledged her comment with a not so gentle elbow nudge.
She twirled her finger in a circle between Jax and me. "So, are you two dating now?"
Jax put his arm around my shoulder. "Yes."
She cocked her head at Jax. "Nice fist action you had last night." She ignored Jax's frown. "You know, you remind me of a pilot I once knew. You look like someone who would know his way around a cockpit."
Jax looked confused, but answered simply, "Sorry, no."
"Well, maybe sometime you could join us for some cocktails." She lifted her foot and stomped it on the ground. "Oh, sorry, thought I saw a cockroach."
"Damn it, Jade," I growled, catching on to her little game.
Jax burst out laughing. "Touché," he answered, still chuckling. "I was wondering where this cockamamie conversation was going."
Jade grew serious. She poked her finger into Jax's chest. "Then let me inform you where it's going. This girl is amazing. And while I might find your little office interview amusing, she deserves more respect than that. And if you hurt her, that cock you're so proud of won't be hanging to the right or the left in your pants if you get my drift."
Oh, crap! I was about to apologize for her bluntness when Jax squeezed my shoulder.
"Oh, she's already more than earned my respect. But while we're on the topic, let's get something else straight." Jax glared at her. "You don't put her or yourself in any more situations like last night. And while I can't bear the idea of someone hurting her, I'm sure it would devastate her just as much if she had to visit you in the hospital or claim your body in a morgue because you got caught up with the wrong type of guys."
Total silence fell between all three of us. For a change, I wasn't sure what to say. I agreed with Jax about Jade's reckless choices. And I appreciated her protectiveness as well. But it was going to be problematic if the two of them couldn't get along.
Against the Rules (Harts of Passion Book 1) Page 19
