by Jillian Dodd
Take my shirt off.
Attack me already. Please! I can’t take it anymore.
But I don’t say any of that. I just savor each and every slow, amazing, and tongue-free kiss.
Maybe he was born without a tongue, I think for a brief second, but then I realize that I am dumb because he wouldn’t be able to talk if he had been, now would he?
He stops kissing me and looks deep into my eyes. I seriously should have guzzled a few shots the second I got here.
But I had no idea he would be here!
The way he’s looking at me is sorta unnerving but, at the same time, like the kiss, it electrifies me. His face is close to mine, but not so much that he is, like, blurry to look at. I figure if he can stare at me, then I can stare back.
And I take in every curve and angle of his face.
The way his jawline is flexing slightly. How his eyelashes are a dark, dark brown and curl upward. How he has a sexy teeny freckle just to the side of his left cheek. How his textbook lips are the exact color of the pale pink roses Tommy gave Mom for their anniversary, and how the sides of his mouth are turning up, starting to smile at me. He blinks slowly. When his eyes open, I study the emerald green of his irises, how they have little flecks of blue in them and maybe even a little gold around the edges. I feel like time is standing still again.
He slides his hands up into my hair and leans in to kiss me again. My body is trying to be good, but I can’t stop it from leaning into him. Melding to his body. I could stay this way forever.
He stops kissing me, looks deeply into my eyes again, and tells me he loves me.
Oh, wait.
He didn’t say that.
I just thought that.
Well, I thought his eyes told me that.
Shut up! It’s what it felt like.
And what the hell is with the going so slow? Does he not want to make out with me? Is he gay?
Finally he says, “You should probably go back and check on your friend. Those guys will get her drunk and take advantage of her.”
“We didn’t drink before we came. She can’t be drunk yet, and you promised me a drink.”
“Also, I don’t want people to notice we’ve been gone very long. They’ll think we’re having sex. We don’t want to ruin your reputation on your second day.”
“I think maybe you just don’t want to be alone with me. I don’t understand. You act like you’re all into me, but then we barely kiss.”
I get irritated and frustrated by this, but no way am I going to be the one to move things along.
And I thought he was a player.
So why isn’t he trying to play me? To use me? To take advantage of me?
I shoulda pretended to be drunk, maybe?
He doesn’t really say anything to me, just shakes his head and says, “You just don’t get it, do you?”
And I’m thinking, no, I’m obviously not getting it tonight.
“Apparently not,” I say. Then I storm past him, across the hall, and back into the party.
But I don’t really feel like partying anymore. I want to go home and cry. And what the hell don’t I get?! I mean, besides a good make-out session with the God of all Hotties.
I look around for Katie, find her swigging whiskey straight from the bottle and sitting on Tyrese’s lap.
They start to make out.
Oh, sure.
Dawson gets up off his chair, practically knocking the girl that was sitting on his lap onto the floor, stalks over toward me, grabs me, and pulls me into a kiss. A big, sloppy, wet kiss. An all-sorts-of-tongue kiss. A kiss I was totally not prepared for and am not enjoying in the least.
I pull away from him and run out the door.
Then I sit out in the hall and start to cry a little.
What am I doing here? I just want to go home. But I can’t. Maybe not ever.
Aiden slides down next to me. “Why are you crying?”
“Because he ruined my lips.” Oh. Why did I say that?
“How so?”
And I can’t lie to this boy. “They don’t taste like you anymore. They taste like whiskey and cigarettes. He’s a horrible kisser.”
“He’s drunk and sloppy.”
“You’re not.”
“Let’s get your friend, and I’ll walk you both home.” He seems like such a gentleman.
Or does he want to get me back to my room? Sneak in with me? No. We were already alone. And he didn’t try anything. I don’t think he likes me.
He just wants me gone.
I guess he figured it out quick, like he said.
“You don’t have to do that. I can get us home. Plus, I get it. You already figured it out, right?”
“Figured what out?”
“You know. What you were saying about the one.”
“You’re so cute, and you’re making no sense. Come here.”
And I do. Straight to his lips. And get another long, slow, delicious kiss.
“Better?”
“Much better.”
Kissed so many boys.
4am
Katie is asleep and snoring lightly. I can’t sleep.
Every time I close my eyes, I keep reliving my kisses with Aiden.
I’m usually not this kind of girl. The kind of girl to think she’s in love with someone the second she meets them.
Yes, I know I say that I fell in love at first sight with Brooklyn but, the truth is, I was barely fifteen and didn’t know any better. What I had was a huge crush on him. The crush turned to love somewhere in the two years that we were friends. For someone that had traveled the world, my world got very small when I went to high school. Brooklyn always reminded me that there was more to life than the perfect outfit. He and Damian have always been very positive influences in my life.
And I know I told Cush that I loved him at my party. But he bought me boots! The. Perfect. Boots. And I maybe got a little caught up in the moment. Cush is sexy and sweet and it’s easy to let yourself get caught up in moments with him. I should know. I lost my virginity to him in one of those moments. And I miss him. I do.
But.
Aiden.
Aiden is nothing like Brooklyn. Nothing like Cush.
I don’t even really know him.
Yet I feel like I’ve known him forever.
Part of me—probably the part of me that likes to cry at cheesy romance movies—hopes it’s true. Hopes it was love at first sight. That something so amazing could really happen to me.
Then there’s the other part of me. The cynic. She thinks that I must be having some sort of emotional crisis from almost getting kidnapped and that’s what is causing me to think irrationally about him.
I mean, I have to be a little bit scarred from all this, don’t I?
But then there’s the part of me that wants to bolt open my window and sing love songs with the birds chirping outside.
But I also feel like I’m in mourning. Mourning that I ended things with B and that I confused the issue even more by sleeping with him before I left. There’s part of me that’s mourning what could have been with Cush. And there’s another part of me in mourning because I miss my family. Because I don’t know when I’ll get to see them again. About how I’m here all alone.
But.
Aiden.
No matter what my brain is telling me, my heart knows.
I decide to text Mom, hoping she’s still awake.
Me: How did you get Tom to fall in love with you? You said you knew instantly. Did he?
Mom: He knew it too. I could feel it.
Me: How do I make the God of all Hotties fall in love with me?
Mom: Isn’t it a little fast? It’s been a day.
Me: Yes, it’s too fast. But I cannot help it. I am in LOVE with this boy. And all he will do is kiss me! And I’m talking a NO TONGUE KISS!!! Other boys make out with me, why won’t he?
Mom: Other boys?! Just how many boys have you kissed?
Me: Uh, like three.
Mom: !!!!!!!!
! You don’t want to get a bad reputation your first week! Why have you kissed so many boys? Did you get drunk? What kind of place did we send you to?
Me: Calm down. And no. I kissed this boy, Dallas, the first night. It was like fun, and he’s sweet, but it’s like a friend thing, a chill thing. Then the god kissed me on the cheek and gave me a four-leaf clover and it WORKED! I made Varsity soccer AND the dance team! Oh and this gorgeous guy kissed me too, but he was drunk and it was gross, so it really doesn’t count. So two, technically.
Mom: Dance team? Really? I’m so proud of you!
Me: I got to dance on stage tonight, Mom. I loved it. Loved being up there. Back to the hottie.
Mom: You belong on a stage. You always have. And the god sounds sweet.
Me: But that’s just it. He IS sweet. And he’s supposed to be a player. He had 8 gfs last year. He gets kinda flustered when he’s around me. Players don’t get flustered, do they? And the things he does to me!
Mom: Wait, I thought you said he wasn’t doing anything to you.
Me: I mean like I can barely breathe when he’s around. When he touches me, I feel like I’m getting shocked. And tonight, I was at this party and he took me to this empty dorm room. And he DIDN’T attack me! He just gave me these slow, amazing, tender and TONGUELESS kisses. He looked deep into my eyes and, I swear to God, he looked into my soul.
Mom: Wait. What time is it there? And what were you doing at a party? It’s your second night!
Me: Can we PLEASE stick to what is important here? HOW DO I MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH ME?
Mom: Maybe he already is.
Me: No! He’s not. He was a total gentleman. He doesn’t want me. Should I like sneak over to his room and just attack him?
Mom: Sex is not going to make him fall in love with you. It sounds like he likes you.
Me: OMG!!!!??? You think??!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Mom: Yeah. Go to bed! And make good decisions please. And call Garrett tomorrow when you’re free. He wants to talk to you.
Me: Okay. I love you. Kiss the girls for me.
Mom: I love you too. And I will.
Saturday, August 27th
You don’t have a bra on.
10:30am
Clearly missed breakfast. Can’t remember what is supposed to be going on today. Did we miss something already?
I grab my phone and read a few texts.
The love of my life <3: You up yet? Heard you had some fun at the party :)
Wait, that’s confusing. I have to change that. There, that’s better.
Dallas: You up yet? Heard you had some fun at the party :)
B<3: Miss you.
Peyton: You need to be in the dance locker room at 2:30 to get your uniform and get dressed. We have to be on the field a little before three.
Sex God: You kissed my brother?
Shit.
First things first.
Me: Your brother kissed me. He was drunk. It was horrible.
Sex God: You didn’t like kissing him?
Me: OMG! NO! It was AWFUL!
Sex God: Maybe I should come kiss you now. Can’t let him ruin the Johnson brothers’ reputation. BTW, what are you wearing?
Me: I’m told your reputation precedes you, so no kissing is necessary. And PJ shorts and tank top. Still in bed.
Sex God: Heard that’s what you wore to the party. White tank top with a leopard bra underneath. I was jealous at first, but I already saw that bra :)
Me: Yes, you saw my bra strap when I was holding up my dress. Gee, I’m such a slut.
Sex God: So you ready for the big scrimmage today? Ready to watch me kick some ass?
Me: I guess. I have to dance or something at it.
Sex God: Can I come over?
Me: Why?
Sex God: Maybe I need a cuddle.
Me: I just woke up. I’m sure I look like shit.
Sex God: Doubtful. Go brush your teeth. I will be there in like 2 minutes.
Me: No!
Sex God: I have coffee and muffins.
Me: Awww, that’s really nice.
Sex God: Oh, I’m gonna be very nice...
Me: <3 and no.
I’m not sure what to say to Brooklyn. And for some reason, I can’t seem to bring myself to delete the heart by his name. I wonder if he was right about fate. That if we were meant to be together, then fate would help us find a way. Of course, fate would also need to teach him to appreciate my love of shoes and discos before that would ever work. I sigh. Try not to list all the mistakes I’ve made lately in my head, and just reply with, Miss you too.
Now I want to find out what Dallas heard.
Me: What’d you hear?
Dallas: Dawson kissed you. Dumped a girl off his lap, walked across the room, and attacked you.
Me: Yeah, it was awful. I stopped it as quickly as I could.
Dallas: And what about Aiden?
Me: How do you know all this shit?
Dallas: I also know Riley is buying you coffee and muffins as we speak :)
Me: You’re scaring me. What do you know about Aiden?
Dallas: Heard you kissed. Heard you got mad at him. Heard you were crying in the hall.
Me: He told you??
Dallas: Can’t give up my sources
.
Me: DID HE TELL YOU?? YES OR NO??!!!!
Dallas: No.
Me: He did kiss me, but he decided he doesn’t really like me.
Dallas: You sure about that?
Me: Yes. He kissed me. It was amazing. But that’s all he did. No hands, no tongues, just a kiss. Well a couple kisses.
Dallas: Hmmm. Maybe he wants to take it slow.
Me: Only people who don’t like you want to take it that slow. But I’m glad I know now. So I won’t get my heart broken.
I get up, run to the bathroom, pee, brush my teeth, run my hands through my hair, and remove the mascara smudges from underneath my eyes. I’m just finishing when Riley knocks gently on the door. Katie is still asleep, so I run over to the door quickly and open it.
And there is Riley. Looking hot in a bright orange Polo rugby shirt and khaki cargo shorts.
“I think I’m a little underdressed,” I say.
He hands me a tray of coffees and holds up a bag of muffins. I walk over and set them on my nightstand.
I hear Katie’s sleepy voice groan, “Please say one of those coffees is for me.”
Riley nods, gets a blueberry muffin and a coffee, and hands them to her.
“Hey, I’m gonna shower and get ready. I’ll be in the bathroom for probably at least a half hour,” she says with a smirk on her face. Like I’m gonna have sex with Riley the second she leaves. “Thanks for the muffin, Riley.”
The minute she walks out of our room, Riley grabs me and throws me on the bed.
“Hey, I need sustenance.”
He rolls on top of me, pins my arms above my head, and says, “I need something to sustain me too. God. You don’t have a bra on.”
“Oh, shit. I forgot. I’m sorry.”
He breaks out into a wide grin. “Oh, no. No apologies necessary.”
“So you have a muffin for me too?”
“Yeah, you want me to butter your muffin?”
I know he’s just playing around. Teasing me. But his teasing and pinning me to the bed remind me so much of Cush. I start to get tears in my eyes. Then my mind flashes to Vincent holding my wrists. I start to shake and my breathing speeds up.
Riley’s face scrunches up. Then his eyes narrow. “What? Why?” He jumps off me. “Did you think I was going to hurt you? Like hold you down? I wouldn’t do that. Ever. I was just messing around.”
I nod. I can’t even say that I know. I just put my hands over my face and start crying.
Riley gathers me up into his arms. “Did that happen to you before?” he asks quietly. “Is that why you’re so upset?”
I shake my head no and start sobbing on his shoulder. He’s holding me like Damian did the night I almost got kidnapped.
Which makes me cry harder.
I have a complete breakdown.
I must have emotional jet lag.
Like, it just all hit me.
Right now.
At the most inopportune time.
I’ve been so good at holding it in. Pretending to act like it didn’t affect me. That I’d be fine going away by myself. Being on my own. But I don’t want to be on my own. I miss my family. I miss the girls. I miss Cush. Sweet, sexy Cush. I thought I could come here and start over, but I can’t. This isn’t my life.
He pats me on the back. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I suck in a big breath and shudder. Calm myself down. “I’m sorry. I just, like, when you did that. It reminded me of someone. Someone I miss. Someone I had to leave when I came here.”
“The surfer guy?”
I lean my back up against the headboard while I wipe under my eyes. “No. It’s a long, complicated story. I don’t want to bore you with it. Let’s just say my coming here was not exactly by choice.”
“Tell me about the guy.” He laughs. “Or should I say guys?”
“Guys, I guess. You really want to hear about it?”
He hands me a coffee and says, “I’ve got all morning.”
Now I have to figure out what to say. What can I say that is close to the truth? What I end up with is a weird combination of truths.
“I sort of got sent here because of a guy.”
