“I just have a headache,” I say and keep my eyes closed until the car stops. I wonder if she knows something is bothering me. I wonder if she feels me pull away from her. We walk up the walkway to the house beside each other, the only sound is the clicking of her heels. I don’t hold her hand, and I wonder if she noticed.
“You are quiet. Why are you so quiet?” she asks. I try to act as natural as possible, but my heart and my head have been spinning and reeling. I unlock the door and walk into the living room, seeing Bernadette watching television.
She looks over at us, getting up. “You look so beautiful, Candace,” she says to her, smiling, and I have to agree with her. She is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever met.
“How was tonight?” I ask, putting my hands in my pockets and ignoring the look that Candace is giving me.
“It was fine. She was fussy a bit at bedtime. I had to read the story to her five times, but then she went straight to bed.” She smiles at me.
“I’m going to go check on her,” I say, walking out of the room and getting away from them. I step into the dark room and walk straight to the crib. Ari is lying on her side, and her soft snores fill the room. “It’s you and me, baby girl,” I say softly, putting my hands on the railing of the crib. I take a deep breath, and I ignore the pain I have in the middle of my chest. A pain that I’ve never ever felt before. I watch her hanging my head. “I’m so sorry,” I say, turning and walking out of the room.
When I walk back into the kitchen, I see Candace standing by the counter. “Bernadette just left,” she says, and I force a smile at her. “What’s wrong with you?” she finally asks me, and I shake my head.
“I’m fine.” I walk to the fridge, avoiding looking at her. “I’m just tired.”
“You’re lying to me,” she says the words softly, and I make the mistake of looking at her. Her face is like a fucking angel. She is perfect in every meaning of the word.
“I’m not lying.” I brush it off, and I want to finish and avoid this conversation so hard. “I’m tired.”
“Rule number six or I don’t know seven.” She puts her hands on the counter in front of her. Her hair falls over her bare shoulder when she looks down at her hands and then looks up. The worry is written all over her face, and I want nothing more than to go to her, take her in my arms, and hold her. Kiss her lips and tuck her hair away from her face. But my feet are stuck to the floor like there is glue under them. “Whatever number we are up to. You don’t lie to me. If something is bothering one of us, we talk about it.” Her voice goes low.
“Nothing is bothering me; I’m just . . .” I start to say, and I look at her. If anything, she deserves the truth from me. “I heard you talking to the other women, and I don’t know, it . . .”
“What did you hear?” she asks with a confused look on her face.
“You want children.” I say three words that stab me in the heart.
“Of course I want children,” she says to me, and I look at her, and at that moment, I know that I have to let her go. “I’m not saying that I want them now.” She throws up her hands. “But eventually, I want to have children.”
“I didn’t . . .” I start to say as my heart starts to pound, and my neck starts to tingle. I feel the room spinning, and I can hear her words over and over in my head. I loosen the tie around my neck.
“I did not keep this a secret from you,” she says, and I shake my head. How is this happening right now? Tonight was amazing laughing, dancing, holding her hand; it was fucking perfect and then hearing her gush to the other women about kids. My heart sank, my stomach sank, and I knew I should have just made an excuse and left her there. “Ralph.” She calls my name. “You’re an amazing father. Why would you not have more children?”
I snap and slam my hand down on the counter, the rage ripping through me, and I roar out, “Dammit, Cassie, I’m not having anymore kids!”
Chapter 31
Candace
I knew the minute we sat in the car that something was off, and now here it is. “Dammit, Cassie, I’m not having anymore kids!” he roars. I take a step back, and it feels like he just slapped me in the face. But nothing could hurt more than my heart being shattered in my chest.
“Candace,” I say my name. “My name is Candace, not Cassie.” He looks at me, and I shake my head. I don’t say anything to him. I just turn and walk out of the room.
“Candace,” he says. I feel his hand wrap around my arm and yank it away from him.
“Don’t touch me,” I hiss. “Don’t ever fucking touch me.” I can’t stop the tears even if I wanted to. This night was so perfect with us as a couple. No one really said anything, but we got looks. I held his hand softly and danced with him, and I could not be happier.
“I . . .” he starts to say. “I—”
“You nothing,” I say. “I don’t want to know, and I definitely don’t want to hear it.” I look around one last time, knowing I will never come back here. “I think it’s fitting,” I say, taking all the courage and strength that I have in me, and there isn’t much. “I fell in love with you in this room while you cooked,” I say finally. I have wanted to tell him I love him every single day, but I stopped myself. Thinking we had time. “It’s only fitting that I fall out of love with you in the same room.” I look down at my hands that are shaking, and I try to stop them from shaking. “Goodbye, Ralph.”
“Candace.” His voice is broken, but I don’t turn back. Instead, I grab his car keys from the table and walk out of the house. “Candace, please listen to me,” he says, following me.
“I’ll have your car returned to you tomorrow,” I say, getting in and turning on the car. I close the door and lock it just in case he swings it open.
“No,” he says. “Please listen. I made—” I pull out of the driveway, and the tears fall down one after another. I don’t know how I make it home, but when I do, I pull out my phone, seeing that I have forty-five missed calls from Ralph. I walk into the house, not turning on the lights, and I pick up the phone, not even sure what time it is.
He answers after one ring, and just the sound of his voice makes me sob. “I need help,” I say, and I can hear the rustling of covers.
“Where are you?”
“Home,” I say. “I’m home.”
“Zara, call Matthew.” I hear Evan say. “Cand.”
“It hurts, Evan,” I say, rubbing the pain in my chest. “It hurts so much.”
“Are you hurt?” he asks, frantic, and I hear Zara in the background telling him that it’s going to be okay.
“I can’t be here. I have to leave,” I say, looking around the bedroom.
“I’m coming to get you,” he says, and then Zara gets on the phone.
“Candace,” she says my name softly, and I shake. My body is shaking.
“I’m . . .” I start to say. “I love him.” My teeth clatter. “He called me Cassie.”
“Oh my God,” she says. “Listen, Matthew is getting the plane, and we are taking off in thirty minutes.”
“I can’t stay here.” I look around. “I don’t want to see him.”
“Okay, listen, you need to go pack a bag and meet us at the small airport,” she says, and I want to answer her, but I can’t.
“I can’t stop shaking,” I say. “I’m . . .”
“I’m going to fucking kill him.” I hear Evan in the background. “Listen to me,” he says, grabbing the phone from Zara. “We are going to be there in four hours,” he says to me. “I’m sending you a car that is going to pick you up in an hour.”
“Okay,” I say, lying on the bed. I’m looking out, replaying the whole scene in the kitchen. His eyes were so guarded, and then he was so angry. I’ve never seen him that way, and never has he raised his voice to me. The phone falls from my hand as I lie here shaking, the tears soaking through my pillow. I force myself to get off the bed and slip out of the dress. I take off the special bra and panties that I wore, thinking this night would end up so much mor
e different. I throw them in the trash and pack my bags. I ignore the buzzing from my phone, and I ignore the pain in my whole body. It’s almost like I’m on autopilot except everywhere I look, I see him in my space. I go to get my laptop, and there on top is the blanket that Ari likes to be wrapped in when she lays on the couch. I walk to it and pick it up, bringing it to my nose and smelling her.
In my whole life, I have never ever felt this pain. I cry into the blanket and fold it. Gently putting it down, I ignore the fact that I didn’t even get to kiss her goodbye. I didn’t even get a chance to hug her one more time. The doorbell rings, and I stand here in the middle of my kitchen, scared that it’s Ralph. I walk quietly to the door and peek out of the hole, seeing a man dressed in a black suit. I open the door, and he smiles. “I’m here to pick up Candace Richards.”
“Yeah,” I say, wiping my eyes. “I’ll be out in a couple of minutes.”
“Actually, there is a message for you from Evan. He said to call him right away,” he says, turning and walking back to the car. I walk to my room and see the missed calls and ignore the way my heart feels when I see Ralph’s name.
I click Evan’s name, and he picks up right away. “Candace,” he says my name. “Change of plans, there is a plane waiting to bring you here.”
“What?” I ask him, and I hear voices in the background.
“Matthew called Nico, and he has a plane for you,” Evan says, and I sit on the bed. “He promised Matthew he would not say a word.”
“Okay,” I say. “I’m walking out the door in two minutes,” I say, getting up and grabbing my small carry-on bag. “Thank you.” I sniffle and wipe away the tears.
“We are going to be there to pick you up,” he says, and I can’t talk anymore, so I just nod. “I’ll see you soon.” I hang up the phone and walk out of my house without looking back.
The plane is waiting for me, and when I look at the time, I see that it’s after one a.m. I walk over to the bed that is set up for me and slide on it, though I never fall asleep. I play the whole thing over and over in my head, and when the wheels touch down in New York, it hurts to get up. My body feels like it got run over by a truck, front and back.
The door opens, and I step out, seeing Evan with his black truck standing there with Zara by his side. His face is filled with worry and fear, and when I see him, I start to shake. He runs to me right before I can fall to the ground. “I have you,” he says to me. “I got you.” The sob rips through me as I feel myself being carried. “It’s okay, Cand,” he says over and over as he puts me in the truck, and I want to tell him I’m okay. I want to tell him that I have it, but I don’t.
“He broke my heart,” I say and see the tears in his eyes. “I lost them.” It comes out in a whisper. “Both of them. I lost them, and I didn’t even know,” I say. “I just.”
“It’s okay,” he says, grabbing my face. “It’s going to be okay.” I just nod at him. He gets out of the truck, and Zara slides in next to me.
“I love him,” I say. “I didn’t even tell him I loved him before all this. I didn’t even know until I knew I would never see him again.”
She puts her arm around me and brings me to her. “I’m so sorry, Candace.”
“He was everything.” I close my eyes, and all I can see is his smiling face. “He . . .” I close my eyes. “He’s my everything.” That’s the last thing I say before I let the darkness suck me away where the pain doesn’t hurt. Where I’m happy again, where he hugs me and kisses me, and I’m whole once more.
Chapter 32
Ralph
“All the tests came back normal,” the doctor says. I get up from the examination table, putting my shirt back on. “If your symptoms change.” He starts to talk, and I zone him out as I fold my tie and put it in my jacket. I’ve been at the hospital for the past three hours, thinking I was having a heart attack. Now I’m just itching to leave and to go find Candace.
“Thank you,” I say, opening up the door and walking out. Grabbing my phone, I dial Candace, and it goes straight to voice mail. “Baby,” I say, rushing out. “Please call me.” I wipe the tear away. “Baby, please.”
I hang up and call Becca. She answers right away. “Ralph,” she whispers, “are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just left. I’m fine,” I say, getting into the waiting car that Becca arranged. “I’m on my way.”
“Okay, Ari woke up twice already, and she’s not in the best mood,” she says, and I hang up.
The second I said Cassie, I knew I had fucked up beyond anything that I could ever do. I saw Candace’s face, and I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to erase it, but I couldn’t, so when I reached out and she shoved my hand off, I was in shock. It was all happening so fast, and then she said the words I was planning on saying that night.
I loved her; I loved everything about her. I loved her smile, I loved her laugh, and I loved the way she made everything okay. I loved the way she loved with her whole heart. I loved the way she hugged me and the way she held my hand. The way she would slide into bed with me at night and roll into me, kissing my neck. I fucking loved her, and I hurt her. Who does that?
When she drove away from me, I dropped to my knees. The pain in my chest shot through me, and I thought I was having a heart attack. I tried to call her back, but nothing and then the pain got worse. So much worse I couldn’t breathe, so I called 911.
Then I called the only other person I could. I called Becca and told her that I was waiting for the ambulance. She got there the same time that the ambulance did.
“Excuse me,” I say to the driver. “Can you make a pit stop?” I ask him, giving him Candace’s address. He stops, and I see that my car is not even there. I get out, running to the door and ringing the doorbell. “Baby,” I say softly, touching the door and then going to the garage and putting in her code. The door opens slowly, and I walk in, calling her name. “Candace?” I call her name, and I’m expecting her to be there. I walk in, and the house is eerily quiet. All the lights are off. I walk into her room, and the pain fills my chest again. Her dress is in the middle of the room, but her bed is still made. I smell her all around, and there in the middle of the bed lies Ari’s blanket. I pick it up and feel the wetness to it.
I get up and walk out of the garage, closing the door and getting back in the car, watching the outside while I’m driven back to my house. My car is parked in the driveway, and my heart speeds up. She came back; I don’t even wait for the car to come to a complete stop before I jump out of the car and run inside. “Candace,” I say, running to the living room and see Becca jump up from the couch. “Is she here?” I ask her, looking around, and she just shakes her head.
“No one is here. Someone dropped off your car keys an hour ago.” The stinging of tears fight to come out. “Oh my God.” She gasps. “You look like shit.”
“Good,” I say, taking off my jacket and tossing it aside. “I feel worse than I look.”
“What the fuck happened?” she asks, sitting down now.
I rub my face with my hand. My whole body hurts, and then when I say the words, my chest hurts again. “I fucked up.” I look over at her. “Like really fucked up.”
“Oh, dear, how did you really fuck up?” She waits for it.
“I called her Cassie,” I say, and her mouth opens hanging open. “Yeah, that’s about the extent of it.”
“There will be no turning back from that,” she says. “Like lying about an orgasm is one thing. Pretending to like her cooking is another.” She points at me. “But calling a woman by another woman’s name? A dead one who you have a child with is . . .” She puts her hand on top of her head. “Is all the way fucked up.” I rub my chest. “Wait a second,” she says. “When did this pain in your chest start?”
“It started the minute we started having the conversation about her having children,” I say, and she just listens. “Then I called her Cassie.” I don’t tell her about her admitting that she loved me and hated me all in one sentence. “
I followed her out, and when she drove away is when my heart started to hurt.”
She gets up now and chuckles. “You weren’t having a heart attack, you jackass. It’s called a broken heart.”
I look at her. “What?”
“The pain in your chest.” She grabs her jacket and puts it on. “It’s your heart breaking.”
“Please.” I shake my head. “Thank you,” I say, and she bends and kisses my cheek.
“You’re welcome,” she says, and then she turns to walk out, stopping. “Do you love her?”
I nod my head. “Can you live without her?” I roll my eyes, the pain in my chest starting up again. “Think about it,” she says. “Don’t answer me, but think about it. Cassie isn’t here, and you moved on. If Candace wasn’t here, how would you be?” I don’t answer her. I also try not to think of it. I don’t want to ever think of that. I take my phone and dial her number again, and it goes straight to voice mail.
“You’ve reached Candace. I’m away from my phone right now but leave a message, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.” Her voice makes me smile. I wait for the beep, but instead, it tells me that voice mail is full. I bring up her text and text her.
Me: Please call me. Please. I just want to make sure you’re okay.
I put the phone down and stare at it, hoping the bubble comes up. I just need to speak to her. I just need to make sure she’s okay. I just need her. The tears come now, not one but a whole fucking ocean comes as I think of the hurt I made her feel. The hurt that I’m putting her through. Who does that?
I sit here on the couch as the night becomes day. Ari gets up, and I prepare her bottle and play with her. My mind is never there as I call Candace over and over again. The voice mail is always full; my chest starts to hurt more and more as the minutes turn into hours, and then at ten, I put Ari in the truck and go back to Candace’s house. I ring the doorbell, but she never opens the door. I go back home, and the day drags on.
Only One Kiss (Only One Series) Page 19
