by Bec McMaster
Even if he didn't push her, as he'd promised. No, she was the one pushing herself, going over everything that had happened in Shadow Rock, as if to try and make sense of it all. Colton's manners remained perfectly polite.
Just distant.
And if she was being honest with herself, she didn't like the space between them.
She kind of missed the way he'd point things out in the distance, and tell her where they were. Or capture a lizard scuttling through the rocks to show her, opening her eyes to a new world she'd never truly noticed. For all the not talking they'd done in the first couple of days, she was starting to realize he'd always been at her side as if some strange force drew them together even when she'd been holding him at a distance.
He was patient as he helped her up the escarpment. Didn't offer her a hand—as per her no touching rule, he'd pointed out with a grin—but he stayed with her every step of the cursed journey, calling a water stop every time her body started flagging. The mess he left her mind in was a great distraction for the climb, except she was no closer to solving the problem by the time they'd reached the top.
Maybe you need to stop thinking about this like a mathematical equation that has a solution, said a snide little voice inside her head. You like him. You're attracted to him. And it scares the hell out of you.
"Nearly there," Johnny muttered, as she paused near the top of the escarpment.
"You keep saying that," she panted, bending over to rest her hands on her thighs. "And every time we climb the next cliff, there's another one behind it."
"Here, let me take your pack," he said, reaching for the straps.
"No. It's okay." Eden shot up ramrod straight, clinging to the straps. "I can do this."
"Fine, Miss Independence." He backed away, hands in the air, a frustrated look on his face. "Don't say I didn't offer."
She stared after him as he bounded up the next slope, leaving her behind. The tight line of his shoulders spoke volumes.
Eden sighed.
So far, nobody had killed each other, though they'd come close this morning when Arik and Johnny had a fricking death-staring match over who would go first up the escarpment.
Apparently alpha wargs had a natural hierarchy, worked out through pheromones, swagger, eye contact, and probably a hundred other little things she didn't even notice.
Apparently, Arik and Johnny hadn't yet managed to work out who was at the top of the food chain.
"Awkward," Lincoln said, bringing up the rear. "What's going on between you two?"
Despite the fact he'd forced Johnny into a death match, Lincoln was swiftly becoming the easygoing member of the group. Arik was his older brother, hence Arik was above him on the invisible chain of command; Johnny had kicked his ass in the ring, hence Johnny was above him.
He found it all highly amusing.
She was merely getting a headache from all the testosterone.
"Nothing," she grumbled, staggering after Johnny.
"Oh yeah, looks like a whole lot of nothing," he said. "Kind of like Arik and Nnedi this morning. That was a lot of nothing too."
Arik had given his wife a hard kiss on the mouth before they left, and while she hadn't pushed him away, Nnedi also hadn't been wearing his claw.
"That's completely different," Eden snapped. "Your brother and Nnedi are married."
Johnny and I are....
Still to be determined.
"Currently that definition's a little rocky," Lincoln replied, with a shrug. "My people have simple rules. If you take a man's claw, then you accept his suit. If you discard his claw, then you're a free woman. Hence why Arik has a bug up his ass today."
"You mean, he isn't normally this surly and dictatorial?"
"Ehh." Lincoln held his hand out flat, then wiggled it this way and that. "Okay, you've got me there. He's being his usual bossy self. But he's a little snappier than usual. Arik used to have a sense of humor, before...."
"Before?"
Lincoln winced. "Not really my place to say. Before the Confederacy got their hands on him. Let's just leave it at that."
She looked at him sharply.
He'd challenged Johnny to a death match. She was finding it really hard to hate him, however, because now they'd fought it was as though there'd never been an issue between them, in Lincoln's eyes.
They're not human, she told herself. Their culture and rules were completely alien to her.
"It doesn't help that you're an unattached female, who Colton's clearly trying to lay claim to. Arik's not interested, but he's being forced to yield to Colton on small matters, so it doesn't look like he's a threat. He's not used to yielding on anything."
"Really?" she drawled, a bite of acid in her voice. "This has all got to do with some Neanderthal-style chest-beating?"
Lincoln shot her a long look, then grinned. "I think I know why Nnedi likes you." The smile died. "It's not that simple. We've spent years trying to still the rage, and choke down the warg when it rises within us. There are rules we obey, as pack, which makes everything easier. Important rules. One warg is the Alpha. Every warg beneath him slots into a certain hierarchy. You either obey the ones above you, or you fight for the right to take their place. If you're interested in a female, then you lay claim. If she accepts you, then you mate. If she doesn't, then you walk away and you don't look back. This is the way of pack, so the madness and rage doesn't tear us apart. It's not just a set of rules we made for the fun of it, but a way of life, Eden. We're not human. We never will be. And we can't afford to give into our emotions."
He shot her a long slow look. "Colton and Arik are so equal, it's hard for me to see who fits where. And you're the one saying you're in charge, but you're not a warg. Arik's trying. Give him that. He's pigheaded and domineering, but he knows he messed up. He's trying to right wrongs. He's trying to yield to you and Colton, even as all his instincts are screaming at him to take over this little expedition. It's not as easy as you think it is. The full moon's out tonight too, which makes everything just that little bit harder. And not just for Arik."
She glanced ahead, to where Colton strode up the switchback.
"His woman just rejected his help," Lincoln added, a little quieter. "We can all sense it, and it's igniting the tension. Maybe if you don't want him, then you should tell him. Make it clear to him there is nothing between you and never will be."
The words gave her a queasy feeling deep inside.
"I said... no kissing," she muttered. "Or anything else."
"Ah," he breathed. "You told him you had no feelings for him, and there was nothing between you, and he should move on?"
"I said...." Her voice trailed off.
I said... I didn't know.
And he said we'd talk.
Ahead of them, Colton paused at the top, looking back at them. For a second their eyes met, and her stupid heart started beating a little faster. Then his gaze shifted to Lincoln, his lips thinned, and he turned away from them, vanishing over the lip of the horizon.
"I know this isn't my place to say this," Lincoln said softly, "but you should be clear about your intentions. He has hope, Eden. Hope that something might be forming between the two of you. I can see it every time he looks at you as if you're his whole world."
"He looks at me like I'm his world?" she blurted.
"We have a saying in Shadow Rock," he said. "'When you know she's the one, not even the moon can tear your eyes from her.' So yes. He looks at you like you are the moon in the sky, and that is saying something, for a warg."
"It's complicated."
"Do you want him or not?"
He didn't understand. "There's so much about us you don't know."
"Do you want him or not?" Lincoln repeated.
"I don't want to be hurt," she snapped.
"None of us want to be hurt. It's a risk, to be sure. But what's your other option? Bury your heart until you can pretend it doesn't exist? What's waiting for you back home? Apart from the people you want to sav
e?"
She nearly missed her next step.
Because the answer was clear.
Not a damned thing.
Reaching the top of the escarpment left them standing in a foreign world. A forest of bleached white timbers stretched out before them for miles, looking like the crucified remains of twisted skeletons. The wood was rotting and nothing grew there. Ghost forests, Arik told them, before warning them to keep an eye out for mutos.
Eden's calves ached from the mountain of switchbacks they'd just climbed, but she resolutely set her pack and sucked in a deep breath. She could do this.
They weren't quite in a Dead Zone, where the radiation poisoned the ground, but close enough to come into contact with those poor souls whose bodies had been warped and twisted, the mutations handed down genetically from when the nuclear reactors burned down during the Darkening. The Confederacy enforcers hunted mutos down when they saw them and put them out of their misery, but there were enough of them around to make passing through the forest dangerous, according to Arik.
Wasn't much to eat here, after all, apart from unwary travelers.
"Lincoln and I will scout ahead," Arik shot over his shoulder, as the pair of wargs slipped into the trees.
"You do that," Johnny muttered.
And suddenly she realized she was alone with him, with Lincoln's earlier words echoing in her ears.
Johnny hauled out his battered flask. He'd managed to refill it in Shadow Rock. "You need a rest?" he asked, in a gruff voice.
She could read the tension in him now as if Lincoln's words opened her eyes to an entirely new world. Johnny didn't look at her. Just tipped the flask to his lips.
"I'm okay," she said quietly, dumping her pack off her back and reaching for her water flask. Sweat wet her back where the pack had rested, and she suddenly felt so weightless she suspected she could almost float away.
A part of her wished she could just float away.
"What were you and Lincoln talking about?" he asked, as she drank.
She almost spilt water all over herself. "What?"
He repacked his flask as if it suddenly held all his attention. "He seemed to have a lot to say."
"He was just... explaining a few things about warg life."
Dark eyes flickered up.
"About Arik trying to rein in his dominant side, and you and Arik being on a par on the hierarchy, and how that's causing problems here."
Johnny scowled. "It's not going to be a problem. Arik knows the terrain, so he can lead. It makes sense."
She eyed him. "And you're okay with that?"
He shot her a frustrated look. "It's only going to be a few days. Then life goes back to normal. No more Arik. No more Confederacy. No more—"
Me.
He didn't say it.
"What do you plan to do once this is all over?" she asked softly, screwing the lid back on her flask.
"Plan?"
"When we get our cure?"
Eden watched him search for the answer, her heart clenching a little when she saw he didn't have one. It was the first time she'd thought of where she'd found him, and what he'd been doing at the time. Bounty hunting. Buried in a bar. Alone.
"I don't know," he said finally. "Thought I could linger in Shadow Rock for a bit, but I can't see myself settling in under Arik. Continue hunting monsters, I guess."
She felt breathless. "Does it make you happy?"
No. She saw it in his eyes. Saw the weight of debt and guilt.
"It's the only thing I'm good at," he replied, as he stood and slung his arms back through the straps of his pack. "And it's not like I have a variety of options."
"That's not true. I've seen you with CJ. He said you've been helping him sort through some of his emotions about his transformation, and how to deal with keeping his inner warg under check. You're good with him." The second she said the words, she realized it was true. Johnny had a teacher's soul.
All along she'd been thinking of him as the dangerous man who helped tear her life apart, but was that merely a response to what he'd become under Bartholomew Cane?
Who would he have been if Cane hadn't swept into his life?
She barely knew what Cane had done to him, but she could guess enough.
Her lungs unlocked, and Eden released the breath she'd been holding, as her mind put those crucial puzzle pieces together. Johnny wasn't a killer, not at heart. No, he was ridiculously patient, a man with a surprisingly nurturing side he hadn't been able to put to use.
A lone wolf hungering for a pack.
"There could be a place for you at Haven," she said slowly. "Luc Wade made a home for himself there with Riley, and Adam's begun repairing a house from the damage the reivers did to it a few years ago. A couple of humans live there, but it's rapidly becoming a home for those wargs who can keep their humanity."
"You think there's a place for me at Haven?" Incredulousness underscored his expression. "You think your brother would ever let me live beside him?"
"Yes, I think he would. Adam said he'd forgiven you for what happened after Rust City. And.... Maybe you could help him deal with his warg side? He's always rejected it. Always hated it."
But what if there was a chance Johnny could help Adam come to complete terms with who he now was?
Maybe it would never heal all the damage, but what if it could soften her brother's scars?
"That was before he realizes I'm sleeping—"
"With his sister?"
Johnny shut his mouth, but Eden pushed on, feeling a little breathless now. It could work. "Losing a loved one to the monsters is the one thing every Wastelander fears. There aren't enough of the amulets to go around to save everyone who gets scratched up. But what if you could teach them to control it? What if you could use your omega side to stop wargs from giving into the monster within? You could be the one person who could bring my community back together. They wouldn't have to fear your kind anymore. Humans could live side-by-side with those afflicted with the warg nanotech."
A healer, just like her.
"You want me to teach your brother—and others—how to control and accept themselves?"
"Yes!" she cried. "You can't tell me you were happy roaming the Rim by yourself. I saw the way you looked at the Shadow Rock pack. You want what they could give you. A home. A sense of belonging. And I know a part of you needs to atone for the past." Moving slowly, she rested her hand on his arm. "You could have all of that at Haven."
A breathless laugh escaped him. "Eden—"
"Please. Please consider it."
"Fine. Let's play this game of pretend. What happens if I return with you to Haven, angel?"
She blinked. "What do you mean?"
"You've skipped over one crucial element. You. Me. Your life is in Absolution, not Haven. How do we work in this little dream you have going? Are we over? Do you pat me on the back and send me on my way, grateful you managed to rescue me from a life of nothingness? Do you give in every now and then, when that itch is back? Am I the dirty little secret your brother doesn't need to know about? Or...."
She swallowed. "Or?"
"You tell me what the alternative is," he challenged.
Eden looked away, staring blindly through the bleached bones of the ghost forest. She hadn't had a chance to think about the future. "Everything's been happening so quickly...."
Johnny pushed away from her. "Yeah, I thought so." He gave her a faintly self-mocking smile. "It's a nice thought, Eden. Thank you for offering me a place to live. But I've been many things in my life, all of them forced upon me by another, and you know what? I'm done. I'm done feeling shame and hating myself. I'm done pretending to be something I'm not. If there's one thing I refuse to be it's your dirty little secret. It's not good enough. So if that's all you have to offer me, then I'll see you to Cortez City, and I'll see you home, but I won't be staying in Haven. I won't be someone you can use for sex whenever you get the urge. Because that would break whatever's left of me, and I refuse to le
t you do that."
"That wasn't what I meant—"
But he was walking away, his shoulders broad in the wretched sunlight. Eden scrambled after him.
"Wait! Don't just walk away!" she called. "Talk to me. Please. I know you're afraid—"
Johnny froze. His head turned, the broad rim of his black hat shielding his face. "I'm afraid? Right back at you, darlin'. You want to talk about the future? Well, you just let me know when you've made your damned mind up."
Then he vanished between the forlorn carcasses of the trees.
There was a horrible taste in her mouth. She knew it well. She'd been stewing herself in it for years.
Good enough to fuck, came those damning words again.
She wanted Johnny to have a chance to find a place for himself, to be happy, but was she prepared to let him in enough to do that at his side?
Instinct said no.
The part of her that said ouch, hot plate, also said, ouch, broken heart.
He'd hurt her once before.
She'd always thought herself remarkably well adapted, considering what she'd been through. She'd fashioned a safe life for herself. A routine, a job, a home, a brother, a family, people she loved. Everyone in Absolution came to her for advice. She had a surrogate niece and nephew. She had everything she ever needed. Maybe her home felt a little empty at night, but she was useful. Maybe her heart tugged every time she cuddled baby Tommy and reminded herself she was getting on in years now, but it wasn't her fault there were no men who lit a fire within her. She'd told herself for years it sucked that her love life was as barren as the Wastelands around her, but at least the rest of her life was perfect.
But was that the truth?
Or had she merely walled her heart away so she'd never get hurt again? Plenty of men had asked her on dates in the past. She couldn't entirely blame Adam for her lack of a love life. He'd been gone two years, and she'd still been as celibate as a nun.
No men? Ha.
There was a man standing here right now—one who destroyed the careful fabric of her world and made her question everything—demanding to know where he fit in her life.
