Which Lie Did I Tell?: More Adventures in the Screen Trade

by William Goldman

Tough to be heartbreaking in six words. How did she do it? Here's another strange-looking poem, somehow just as heartbreaking. (My father drank.)

  I want to go on the wagon. Really

  I want to, but I like it,

  I like it, and I can't, really,

  I mean I can but

  I won't.

  Not all poems are heartbreaking, obviously, and obviously not all are short. (Peek at Dante if you want proof.) But all poems have one thing in common. Probably you've forgotten from your courses in Basic Lit.

  POETRY IS COMPRESSION.

  Long, short, doesn't matter, rhyming, not, the same. All the rest, the same. Except if you can tell me everything a poem says more briefly than the poem does, then it isn't much of a poem.

  This next is a poem by E. A. Robinson that had a devastating effect on me. I think I was probably ten or eleven when I came across it, and I didn't know poems could do this, y'see, tell a story I'd be interested in, because I was a sports nut then and only interested in games. You probably know "Richard Cory," but if you don't, let the last line surprise you, as it did me. If you want to read it out loud, that's not a bad idea.

  Whenever Richard Cory went down town We people on the pavement looked at him: He was a gentleman from sole to crown, Clean favored, and imperially slim.

  And he was always quietly arrayed, And he was always human when he talked; But still he fluttered pulses when he said, "Good morning," and he glittered while he walked.

  And he was rich--yes, richer than a king--

  And admirably schooled in every grace: In fine, we thought that he was everything To make us wish that we were in his place.

  So on we worked, and waited for the light, And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, Went home and put a bullet through his head.

  That last line, the suicide, is a big moment in my life. I was going along, reading the story about this Cory, and he was a rich guy, and I figured he lived in a big house near this town he walked in, but he wasn't some snob, he spoke to anybody and everybody he met along the way, and I liked that about him.

  I didn't know what "fine" meant when it says "in fine," but I didn't let that bother me. It was probably an assignment in school and I knew it couldn't take too long because I could see the end of the poem when I started reading it--still a huge plus for intellectual me.

  Anyway, I knew it was a bad time in the town, money scarce, but this Cory was such a terrific guy they didn't resent him. They wanted to be him, sure, but who wouldn't, this wonderful guy born to money but not conceited or anything, in a time of pain and suffering, who wouldn't want to be him? You could do what you wanted if you were him, you could leave your lights on all night long in every room of your house if you were him, you could eat the best of whatever the grocer or the butcher had to sell, not just bread and bread and more bread and--

  --and then the suicide.

  Whoa.

  I'm this kid, remember, and what I did was, I knew I had gotten it wrong somehow, missed his pain, so I went back up to the first line and I put my finger under the words and went verrrrry slowly, saying them out loud as my finger moved, and I read that first sentence and what it told me was that Cory was a very big deal when he took his walks. Everybody looked at him, he was so rich and so well dressed and so, well, gorgeous.

  So this great guy takes a walk. I had the first sentence nailed.

  Second sentence, more of the same, talked to people, a decent down-to-earth millionaire who was so special he glittered.

  Third sentence, we find out he wasn't just rich, he was richer than a king. And we know he's human and kind but by now I get it: he's perfect. No wonder we want to be that guy.

  I'm ten or eleven, remember, looking for where I goofed, and I start the last stanza--but now I knew the kicker--this Cory is going to blow his brains out. And first line, no clue, we're working and waiting for light; second line, it's worse, we're cursing our bread, which is what life has chosen for us, and then those last two lines, boom, end, and I thought, that's the most amazing story I ever heard, this wonderful fabulous guy who had everything, every-single-thing, and couldn't take it anymore.

  I don't think I knew I wanted to be a storyteller then--Irwin Shaw was the sea change for me a few years down the line. But later, when Shaw gave me the guts to think I might somehow possibly give it a try, one of the thoughts I had then was, Jesus, to be able to tell a story as great as Richard Cory's, what a thing that would be. I still think that. Hope you do too.

  Poems can also, thank God, make us laugh. Here's Nash's "Reflections on Ice Breaking." One of the famous short poems of the century.

  Candy But liquor

  Is dandy Is quicker.

  Here's another not so famous but for me, funnier. Dorothy Parker, bitching about life as only she could.

  A single flow'r he sent me, since we met.

  All tenderly his messenger he chose; Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet--

  One perfect rose.

  I knew the language of the floweret; "My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose."

  Love long has taken for his amulet One perfect rose.

  Why is it no one has ever sent me yet One perfect limousine, do you suppose?

  Ah no, it's always just my luck to get One perfect rose.

  You will be thrilled to know that poetry class is now over. But I have another favor to ask--glance back at them.

  Really take a minute and I think you'll be surprised again at the way they look on the page, how different from one another. But we're not afraid of them, we know they won't hurt us, they're just, well, these words put down in a particular way to have a particular effect.

  Well, so are screenplays.

  They won't hurt you either. Screenplays can make you laugh and cry, they can shock and soothe and frighten the shit out of you and make you ache for the love always just out of reach. Screenplays can make a studio head reach for his checkbook and spend a hundred million dollars. Screenplays can make directors and production designers erect entire cities. They can make stars say yes and thereby change forever the lives of the writers who made the story come alive.

  But too many of us are still way too wary. We were not read them as children trying to go to sleep. (And if your family did read them to you, I don't want to know about it.) Get ready now. Here comes the Zipper Scene from There's Something About Mary. Why did I rate Mary so highly? Because it's so funny, sure, but more than that, because it made me care more than anything else in '98. And these days, caring more is all I care about ...

  There's Something About Mary

  by Ed Decter & John J. Strauss and Peter Farrelly & Bobby Farrelly

  * * *

  We ended with a couple of funny poems, so we're starting with a couple of funny scenes. I wrote in a Premiere article that I thought There's Something About Mary was the best movie of 1998. The Academy, in its infinite wisdom, ignored it totally, partially because it has always ignored the two kinds of movies that are hardest to get right--comedies and adventure films.

  Peter and Bobby Farrelly are the youngest of the screenwriters in this section. Their credits, prior to this, were Kingpin and Dumb and Dumber and lots of TV they sold that was never shot. I have read their latest effort, Me Myself and Irene, which stars Jim Carrey as a cop with a split personality and Renee Zellwegger as a girl trying to deal with her boyfriend(s) problems. I don't make predictions, but if it is not a tremendous success it will mean the world will have ended.

  Brothers, early forties, the Farrellys live and work in Providence, about a mile from each other. Married with families, they meet five days a week around noon, work till six or later, alternate on who types.

  Ed Decter and John J. Strauss, TV writers and friends of theirs, had written the original screenplay of Mary, suffered through endless years in development hell. The earlier script began with a guy wondering what had happened to his high school love, then hiring a detective to find out
. The detective finds her, falls in love with her too, and lies that she is fat with many children. That notion was something to hang on to, the Farrellys felt.

  And they took it from there.

  When they were wondering what kind of tragic thing could happen to the guy who hires the detective, help came from an unexpected source. Years before, one of their sisters had given a party, and a cool guy who was there got his dick caught in his zipper. We are talking twelve-year-olds, remember, and after an hour or so, their father, who is a doctor, and their mother, a nurse, were aware that a guest had been in the upstairs bathroom for a very long time.

  They went in, the father freed him, and they drove the kid home, telling everyone he had taken sick.

  And never told anyone.

  Then, a couple of years ago, their father came clean, and they realized that someday they would have to try and work that into a movie.

  The character of Ted was Ben Stiller, playing seventeen, with braces Szell would have been proud of. Cameron Diaz--do I have to tell you Cameron Diaz played Mary?--well she did, also at seventeen. Ted has come to pick Mary up for the prom, there's been a scuffle with her brother, Warren, who is retarded. Mary needs a strap fixed so she heads upstairs with her mom. Ted has a bleeding lip that needs tending. So he makes the famous request to Mary's dad about using the bathroom.

  A few final explanations. Screenplays are written, like plays, in a kind of shorthand. Stage directions, that kind of stuff. We all tend to settle on our own particular stuff. The few you might not know are these:

  INT. means we are looking at something interior.

  EXT. means we are outside.

  POV. means point of view.

  (O.S.) means offscreen. You are hearing someone talk, but not seeing the speaker.

  SNAP FOCUS. I never used it but I assume it means when something vague suddenly goes to a very sharp image.

  The rest you can figure out for yourself.

  The Zipper Scene

  TED

  (to Mary's Dad)

  May I use your bathroom?

  INT. BATHROOM--TWILIGHT

  TED dabs his head with a tissue, then moves to the toilet. As he TAKES A LEAK he glances out the window to his left.

  TED's POV--two LOVEBIRDS are perched in a branch,

  Ted smiles...

  ...at the SOUND of these beautiful tweeties singing their love song for themselves, for the spring, for Ted and Mary, and suddenly they fly away and we...

  SNAP FOCUS...

  ...to reveal MARY in the bedroom window DIRECTLY BEHIND WHERE THE BIRDS WERE, in just a bra and panties, and just then her mother glances TED's way and MAKES EYE CONTACT with what she can only presume to be a leering Peeping Tom.

  ON TED...

  ...loses the smile and ducks his head back into the bathroom, HORRIFIED.

  PANICKING NOW, he hastily zips up his fly and

  TED

  YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

  TED GETS HIS DICK STUCK IN THE ZIPPER!

  CUT TO:

  EXT. BATHROOM DOOR--NIGHT

  A concerned MARY, her MOM, DAD, and WARREN are huddled outside the bathroom.

  MARY

  (knocking gently)

  Ted, are you okay?

  TED (O.S.)

  (pained)

  Just a minute.

  MARY'S MOM

  He's been in there over half an hour.

  (whispering)

  Charlie, I think he's masturbating.

  MARY

  Mom!

  MARY'S MOM

  Well, he was watching you undress with a silly grin on his face.

  TED (O.S.)

  (pained)

  I was watching the birds.

  They all look at each other.

  MARY'S MOM

  Charlie, do something.

  MARY'S DAD

  All right, kid, that's it, I'm coming in.

  INT. BATHROOM--CONTINUOUS

  A whimpering TED huddles in the corner as MARY'S DAD enters.

  MARY'S DAD

  What seems to be the situation here? You shit yourself or something?

  TED

  I wish.

  TED motions for him to close the door and MARY'S DAD obliges.

  TED (CONT'D)

  I, uh ... I got stuck.

  MARY'S DAD

  You got what stuck?

  TED

  It.

  MARY'S DAD

  It?

  (beat)

  Oh it. All right, these things happen, let me have a look, it's not the end of the world.

  MARY'S DAD moves closer and puts his reading glasses on.

  EXT. BATHROOM DOOR--CONTINUOUS

  As MARY, her MOM, and WARREN listen in.

  MARY'S DAD (O.S.)

  OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

  TED (O.S.)

  Shhhhhh!

  INT. BATHROOM--CONTINUOUS

  MARY'S DAD

  (calls out)

  Shirley, get in here! You gotta see this!

  TED

  What?! No please, sir--

  MARY'S DAD

  She's a dental hygienist. She'll know what to do.

  MARY'S MOM comes in and closes the door behind her.

  MARY'S MOM

  Teddy, hon, are you okay?

  (moving closer, seeing the situation)

  OH HEAVENS TO PETE!

  TED

  Would you shhh! Mary's going to hear us.

  MARY'S MOM

  Just relax, dear. Now, um ... what exactly are we looking at here?

  TED

  (dizzy)

  What do you mean?

  MARY'S MOM

  (delicate)

  I mean is it ... is it ...?

  MARY'S DAD

  (gruff)

  Is it the franks or the beans?

  TED

  I think a little of both.

  Suddenly we hear WARREN from outside the door:

  WARREN (O.S.)

  Franks and beans!

  Ted hangs his head.

  EXT. BATHROOM DOOR--CONTINUOUS

  MARY and WARREN are huddled outside the door.

  MARY

  (to WARREN)

  Shhhh.

  MARY'S DAD (O.S.)

  What the hell's that bubble?

  MARY reacts to this.

  INT. BATHROOM--CONTINUOUS

  TED

  One guess.

  MARY'S DAD

  How the hell'd you get the beans all the way up top like that?

  TED

  I don't know, it's not like it was a well thought-out plan.

  MARY'S MOM

  Oh my, there sure is a lot of skin coming through there.

  MARY'S DAD

  I'm guessing that's what the soprano shriek was about, pumpkin.

  MARY'S MOM

  I'm going to get some Bactine.

  TED

  No, please!

  Suddenly a POLICE OFFICER sticks his head in the bathroom window.

  POLICE OFFICER

  Ho there.

  TED

  (humiliated)

  Oh God.

  POLICE OFFICER

  Everything okay here? Neighbors said they heard a lady scream.

  MARY'S DAD

  You're looking at him. C'mere and take a look at this beauty.

  TED

  No. That's really unneces--

  But the OFFICER's already climbing in the window. Once inside, he turns his flashlight on TED and WHISTLES.

  POLICE OFFICER

  Now I've seen it all. What the hell were you thinking?

  TED

  (frustrated)

  I wasn't trying--

  POLICE OFFICER

  Is that bubble what I think it is?

  MARY'S PARENTS nod.

  POLICE OFFICER (CONT'D)

  But ... how ... how'd you get the zipper all the way to the top?

  MARY'S DAD

  Let's just say the kid's limber.

  The POLICE OFFICER makes a face
, then rolls up his sleeves.

  POLICE OFFICER

  Well, there's only one thing to do.

  TED

  No, no, no, I'll be fine. I'll just hang my shirttail out and work on it in the morning.

  POLICE OFFICER

  Look, son, this will only hurt for a second.

  The OFFICER reaches down and takes hold of the zipper.

  TED

  No, no, please!

  MARY'S MOM

  Teddy, be brave.

  WARREN (O.S.)

  Beans and franks!

  MARY (O.S.)

  Warren, shhh.

  Defeated, TED holds his breath and braces for the worst.

  POLICE OFFICER

  It's just like pulling off a Band-Aid. A-one and a-two and...

  CUT TO:

  PARAMEDIC

  We got a bleeder!

  EXT.--MARY'S HOUSE--NIGHT

  TWO PARAMEDICS rush TED out the front door on a stretcher. MARY runs alongside him, holding a towel on his crotch, while a THIRD PARAMEDIC dabs at his crotch with a towel. MARY'S MOM and DAD are out front along with two FIRE TRUCKS, four POLICE CARS, and a crowd of about thirty NEIGHBORS.

  PARAMEDIC

  (To MARY)

  Keep pressure on it!

  MARY does as she's told.

  MARY

  (running along)

  Ted, I'm so sorry. Are you going to be okay?

  TED

  (irrational cockiness)

  You betcha!

  He gives her two thumbs up as they slide him into the ambulance.

  INT. AMBULANCE--CONTINUOUS

  The doors SLAM shut and as the ambulance pulls away, TED starts to WHIMPER and we can see MARY fade into the night...

  A great comedy scene.

  Let me ask you something--what's your favorite moment? Here are three of mine. This for openers:

  TED

  YEEEOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

  And this:

  MARY'S MOM

  I'm going to get some Bactine.

  She's a dental hygienist, right, of course she'd head for the Bactine. Do you know how much that would hurt?

  And:

  TED

  I don't know, it's not like it was a well thought-out plan.

  I just love the character for being able to come up with, in that situation, a line of that quality.

  I think this is the scene that makes the movie.

  Look, there is, as we all know, no "best" anything. Never forget that in the eighteenth century, the leading literary critics felt the greatest writers of all time were Homer, Sophocles, and Richardson.

  This movie hits me as hard as it does because I am--as so many of us are--Ben Stiller. Taller, sure, and I never wore braces, but my high school days involved living with a deaf mother who told me I caused her deafness, only releasing the truth, that I had nothing to do with it, when she was dying, and a drunken father who stayed in his second-floor room for four years, only venturing out to pledge sobriety, a ruse for his driving to the liquor store for another long supply. And you get through that fine, you tell yourself you're lucky, a lot of people have it worse. And, boy, do they. I had a nice house, there was Minnie who worked for my family and cared if I survived, and how many people get to go to Bears games or camp in the summertime? But I couldn't bring friends home, not with that secret on the second floor, and I didn't date, because who would go out with me, and my schoolwork went to shit and I stayed home a year faking sickness and as I lay there what I thought of was how beautiful she was going to be, and how good our life together.